# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 413
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2026, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8252 "2026-09-22T01:48:52Z")
> [@smithsb](#): > > Pokemon cards on Antiques Roadshow. Feeling old now? I have to know… Did this actually happen? ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2026, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8253 "2026-09-22T02:08:40Z")
> [@smithsb](#): > > This morning I coughed up a bishop, a pawn, and a rook. I think I have a chess infection. It was a rough knight. Sounds like you need a doctor to give you a check, mate. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2026, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8254 "2026-09-22T03:31:29Z")
Yas, a quick search showed a 1999 set of 1st edition cards and specials worth $5 to 10k. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2026, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8255 "2026-09-22T12:30:36Z")
You’ll know I’ve won the lottery when you notice me no longer making the effort with difficult-to-open pistachio nuts. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2026, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8256 "2026-09-22T14:52:26Z")
No joke here, just a pro tip: for those difficult-to-open pistachio nuts, if they have even the smallest of openings, just take the half shell from a previously consumed nut, insert and twist until difficult shell pops open. Easy peasy, no need to find a hammer or pliers! ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2026, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8257 "2026-09-22T15:35:33Z")
> [@smithsb](#): > > Laughter is the best medicine unless … > You have broken ribs or explosive diarrhea. At the risk of TMI: a few weeks ago I was out sick for the day with “digestive upset” AND a high pollen count gave me sneezing fits all day. DO NOT RECOMMEND (although I did manage to, um, keep everything in). ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2026, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8258 "2026-09-22T20:19:08Z")
> [@solost](#): > > if they have even the smallest of openings The Laconic IF. I’ve has the occasional one with a perfectly intact exterior. Hammer time! ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2026, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8259 "2026-09-22T20:32:18Z")
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices. Weird. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist. Me: My new girlfriend told me she used to date a circus clown. Friend: How do you feel about that? Me: A bit concerned, those are big shoes to fill. Me. Why am I hungover? Friend. Did you drink water? Me. Yes. F. From a glass? Me. Yes. F. Was it frozen? Me. Yes. F. Was it surrounded by whisky? Me. It’s like you know me. Teacher. Johnny, can you use the word gruesome in a sentence? Johnny. Yes ma’am, I used to be short but then I grew some. They said a banana a day cleans your colon … then I learned you’re supposed to eat them. What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller. (groan) Ate my last piece of cheese yesterday. Today it’s raining. Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone. (oof) ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2026, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8260 "2026-09-22T23:07:09Z")
> [@DesertDog](#): > > The Laconic IF. I’ve has the occasional one with a perfectly intact exterior. > > Hammer time! I have a small C-clamp I use for that purpose. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2026, 7:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8261 "2026-09-23T07:16:28Z")
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes humourous. Now, that’s (laughing) stock. ---
**Author:** ![fedman1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e495f1/32.png) [@fedman1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fedman1)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2026, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8262 "2026-09-23T12:39:18Z")
what do lawyers wear in court? a lawsuit ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2026, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8263 "2026-09-23T15:54:45Z")
### My girl is cheating on me with a baseball player. I know he’s either a first baseman or a third baseman. Who? I don’t know. * * * ### Why does Ed Sheeran have to open canned food with a knife? All of his openers quit on him. * * * ### I took a job on Old Macdonald’s farm. I worked my way up, and now I’m the CIEIO. * * * ### I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I realized it the moment she walked through the door. * * * ### My wife told me I own a copy of every board game ever made except for one. Honestly, I had no clue. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2026, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8264 "2026-09-23T23:27:25Z")
Gas prices are so high I went to the dealership and test drove three cars to run my errands. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2026, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8265 "2026-09-24T00:31:43Z")
### Oedipus walks into a bar. He points to his dad and says, “I’ll have what he’s having.” ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2026, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8266 "2026-09-24T01:58:49Z")
Superman flies to the crime scene. Wonderwoman flies to the scene. Flash is there already. Batman is filling up while cursing gas prices. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2026, 11:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8267 "2026-09-24T11:22:27Z")
“Not bad, counselor. Not….bad.” — Tom Hanks character in _Philadelphia_ ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2026, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8268 "2026-09-24T21:38:02Z")
> [@DesertDog](#): > > The Laconic IF. I’ve has the occasional one with a perfectly intact exterior. > > Hammer time! Pliers work better. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2026, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8269 "2026-09-24T22:00:38Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### My girl is cheating on me with a baseball player. > > I know he’s either a first baseman or a third baseman. > > Who? I don’t know You’re off base about the actual player your girl is seeing, but what you don’t know won’t hurt you. ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2026, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8270 "2026-09-25T00:00:59Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > > [@DesertDog](#): > > > > Hammer time! > > Pliers work better. But a hammer is more satisfying. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2026, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8271 "2026-09-25T16:35:49Z")
### A black cat and a white cat sat by the river. The white cat fell in. What did the black cat say? “Meow.” * * * ### Science is when you search for a black cat in a dark room. Philosophy is when you search for a black cat in a dark room even though the room contains no cat. Religion is when you search for a black cat in a dark room even though the room contains no cat – and then you suddenly exclaim "I’ve found the cat!“ * * * ### Lawyer: Someone who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a “brief.” * * * ### What do you call graveyard shenanigans? Tombfoolery. * * * ### Sin City was a nickname given to Las Vegas because of all of its shenanigans, but do you know about Den City? It’s the degree of compactness of a substance. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=412) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=414)