# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 46
**Author:** ![Bonum\_Legatum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bonum_legatum/32/6183_2.png) [@Bonum\_Legatum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bonum_Legatum)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2021, 9:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/911 "2021-10-22T09:45:40Z")
I believe that is a joke due to the two ways it can be read. Here is the statement recast to emphasize the two ways: “Confucius Say” jokes are racist. Don’t do them. Confucius _ **says** _ jokes are racist. Don’t do them. ---
**Author:** ![Hatchie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hatchie/32/3983_2.png) [@Hatchie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hatchie)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2021, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/912 "2021-10-22T14:41:00Z")
I meant it the first way; pardon the ambiguity. ---
**Author:** ![Bonum\_Legatum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bonum_legatum/32/6183_2.png) [@Bonum\_Legatum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bonum_Legatum)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2021, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/914 "2021-10-22T21:21:53Z")
> [@Hatchie](#): > > I meant it the first way; pardon the ambiguity. Serendipity: The ambiguity made a new joke! ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2021, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/915 "2021-10-23T16:30:03Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Two lumberjacks are having a conversation. > > One of them says “You know, I can cut wood just by looking at it!” > > The other replies “That’s not possible! I don’t believe you!” > > The first says “I know, that it’s hard to believe, but I’m telling you! I saw it with my two eyes!” ### Have you heard about the blind carpenter? He picked up his hammer and saw. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2021, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/916 "2021-10-23T17:01:53Z")
### Why does 10 have PTSD? Because it was in the middle of 9 11. * * * ### Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier. He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran. * * * ### An ego and a superego walk into a bar The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see some id” ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2021, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/917 "2021-10-23T17:31:02Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### An ego and a superego walk into a bar > > The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see some id” Excellent example of “Joke that works in print but can’t be told verbally.” One of my favorites is like that: _ **There are 10 kinds of people in the world…** _ _ **Those who understand binary and those who don’t.** _ Great t-shirt, horrible joke (whatcha gonna do? The second you say ‘Ten’ it’s not binary. If you say One-Zero? Then you sound weird…) ---
**Author:** ![a6ka97](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c2a13f/32.png) [@a6ka97](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/a6ka97)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2021, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/918 "2021-10-23T18:10:02Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > ### Have you heard about the blind carpenter? > > He picked up his hammer and saw. I always heard it as “I see” said the blind carpenter, to his deaf wife, as he picked up his hammer and saw. ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2021, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/919 "2021-10-24T11:21:18Z")
I went swimming with my banker, and soon I was able to float alone. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2021, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/920 "2021-10-25T12:12:48Z")
That reminded me of one… Heisenberg and Oppenheimer go on a road trip together. Heisenberg is driving down the freeway. Oppenheimer glances over at the speedometer and says, “hey slow down, you’re going 90 mph”. Heisenberg says “great, thanks a lot, dumbkopf! Now I have no idea where I am”. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2021, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/921 "2021-10-25T14:19:57Z")
Heisenberg and Schrödinger go on a road trip together. They were speeding and were pulled over. The cop says, 'Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg says, ‘No, but I know what direction I was going.’ Finding the answer odd, the cop decides he’d better search the car. When he looks in the trunk he finds a box with a dead cat in it. He says, ‘Do you know there’s a dead cat in a box in your trunk?’ Schrödinger says, 'I do now!😡 ’ ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2021, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/922 "2021-10-25T14:37:10Z")
I haven’t found it on youtube but as I recall, Jeffrey Ross’s bit went something like this. "I’d like to read you a poem I wrote titled, ‘Sometimes I Miss Her.’ I ran into my ex-girlfriend last night. So I dropped it in reverse and ran into her again. Sometimes I miss her." ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2021, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/923 "2021-10-25T14:43:11Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > I haven’t found it on youtube but as I recall, Jeffrey Ross’s bit went something like this. It’s the showstopper [here](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gnMosvpGyY4). ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2021, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/924 "2021-10-25T22:49:06Z")
### "The Stately Progress of the Drinker The stately modern measurement of inebriation is the _Ose_ system. This has been considerably developed over the years, but the common medical consensus currently has _jocose, verbose, morose, bellicose, lachrymose, comatose, adios._ from _The Horologicon_ by Mark Forsyth ---
**Author:** ![CardboardBoxx](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardboardboxx/32/7079_2.png) [@CardboardBoxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CardboardBoxx)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2021, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/925 "2021-10-25T22:54:05Z")
Mrs Schrodinger comes home, takes a look around and marches up to her husband. “Erwin, what the hell have you been doing to this cat? It looks half dead.” ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2021, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/926 "2021-10-25T22:55:47Z")
**Bad taste warning** : What’s the difference between camphor and Rophynol? Vic’s Vapo-rub vs prick’s rapo drug. ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2021, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/927 "2021-10-25T23:04:04Z")
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Depends. How many can you afford? What’s the difference between a lawyer and sperm? Sperm has a shot at becoming a human being one day. [This one is my favorite] What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller. Why don’t sharks bite lawyers? Professional courtesy. Why do they bury lawyers 8 feet deep? Because deep down, they’re decent people. ---
**Author:** ![abcdefghij](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/43a26b/32.png) [@abcdefghij](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/abcdefghij)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2021, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/928 "2021-10-26T00:47:46Z")
Why have they started using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments? - there are more lawyers than rats - some people actually like rats - there are some things that a rat just won’t do ---
**Author:** ![De\_La\_Rue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@De\_La\_Rue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/De_La_Rue)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2021, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/929 "2021-10-26T02:39:32Z")
What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? There are [skid marks](https://books.google.com/books/about/Skid_Marks.html?id=YGXWkQEACAAJ) in front of the skunk. ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2021, 10:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/930 "2021-10-26T10:11:31Z")
Why are optometrists so bad in bed? Because they’re constantly going “Is it better like this, or better like this? 1…or 2?” ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2021, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/931 "2021-10-26T12:41:44Z")
Why does New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps and New York have the most lawyers? New Jersey got first pick. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=45) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=47)