# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 47
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2021, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/932 "2021-10-27T13:24:51Z")
### My fiance left me at the altar… Turns out she wasn’t as into human sacrifice as I was. * * * ### Why can’t you use “beef stew” as a password? Because it’s not stroganoff * * * ### My doctor diagnosed me with leprosy. LMAO ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2021, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/933 "2021-10-27T14:05:44Z")
Customer: I’d like to open up a joint account. Bank Teller: I can help you. With who? Customer: Whoever has the most money. * * * Customer: I wanna open up a fucking account. Teller: I can help you but please watch your language. Customer (louder): Just open a fucking account for me! Teller: Sir, please, we do not allow obscenities here. (manager walks over) Manager: Is there a problem here? Customer: Yeah, I just won $5 million in the lottery and I want to open a fucking account. Manager: And this bitch is giving you a hard time? ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2021, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/934 "2021-10-27T18:20:02Z")
A friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese. It’s the Wurst Käse scenario! ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2021, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/935 "2021-10-27T22:51:43Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Why can’t you use “beef stew” as a password? > > Because it’s not stroganoff > > ### My doctor diagnosed me with leprosy. > > LMAO What do you call a guy with leprosy in a hot tub? Stu. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2021, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/936 "2021-10-28T13:34:45Z")
### The Pessimist sees a dark tunnel. The Optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel. The Realist sees the approaching freight train. The Train Driver sees 3 idiots about to get run over… * * * ### What do you get when you cross a church with a laser tag arena? Pew! Pew! Pew! * * * ### Knock, Knock. Who’s there? No, Who’s on first. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2021, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/937 "2021-10-29T01:27:27Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### The Pessimist sees a dark tunnel. > > The Optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel. > > The Realist sees the approaching freight train. > > The Train Driver sees 3 idiots about to get run over… Nice! ---
**Author:** ![jaycat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaycat/32/3015_2.png) [@jaycat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jaycat)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2021, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/938 "2021-10-29T02:34:55Z")
Knock knock Who’s there? Fortification. Fortification who? Fortification, I’m going to Florida. (apologies to Don Redman). ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2021, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/939 "2021-10-29T17:54:25Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### What do you get when you cross a church with a laser tag arena? > > Pew! Pew! Pew! This is my favorite new joke. ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2021, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/940 "2021-10-29T22:04:10Z")
A couple have been married for 50 years, and in all that time they’ve been madly in love. They bought a house, raised two great kids, shared everything - except, for as long as they were together, he insisted she never open his top dresser drawer. And for 50 years, she’s respected his wishes. It’s been a great life; if he wants this quirk, let him have it. But, it’s been nagging her. And finally, after all this time, she can’t help herself. She walks into the bedroom and opens the secret drawer she’s avoided all these years. Inside are 2 golf balls and $7,000 cash. What is this, she thinks? All this time, and this is what I find? Why the secrecy? Why the golf balls and cash? So, she confronts him. And he lowers his head when she does. Finally, after a deep sigh, he speaks. “My love. Fine: I’ll confess. In all our years together, whenever I was unfaithful, I put a golf ball in that drawer.” At first, she’s shocked. But, 50 years has been a long time. He worked a lot when the kids were first born. Things do happen. “Okay, okay,” she says. “I can see my way to forgive you. But, honey, why was there also $7,000 in there?” With that, he looks up and smiles. “Oh, that. Well, every time I got a dozen golf balls, I sold ‘em!” ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2021, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/941 "2021-10-29T23:42:11Z")
> [@Texas dopers, do you remember a contest / game held by HEB back in the 1980s?](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texas-dopers-do-you-remember-a-contest-game-held-by-heb-back-in-the-1980s/951952/13): > > > HEB founder=Howard Edward Butt. > > I worked at HEB in Austin when I was in High School and college from about 1988 - 1992… I don’t remember that game but if it was the early 80’s that may have been before my time. > > I do remember a joke around the breakroom that HEB was going to merge with Whole Foods and become Butt-Whole Foods… Alas a merger that has yet to occur. > - Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: **Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace** > - Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: **Poly, Warner Cracker**. > - 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: **MMM-Good** A few more here: > **[Language Jokes \* Funny Merger Names](https://www.alphadictionary.com/fun/mergers.html)** > > The Ultimate Language Resource on the Web. ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2021, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/942 "2021-10-30T06:05:49Z")
_Attending to Your Master’s Requests_ by [Mahatma Kane Jeeves](https://classicfilmreview.com/mahatma-kane-jeeves/) ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2021, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/943 "2021-10-30T12:30:16Z")
> [@jaycat](#): > > Knock knock > > Who’s there? > > Fortification. > > Fortification who? > > Fortification, I’m going to Florida. > > (apologies to Don Redman). Reminds me of an old classic: “My wife and I took separate vacations this year. I went to Vegas, and she went to an island in the Caribbean.” “Jamaica?” “No, she wanted to go.” ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2021, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/944 "2021-10-30T12:34:33Z")
A married couple have been having problems. One day, she comes home and starts furiously packing her bags. “Where are you going?” he asks. “I’m finally leaving you. I’m heading to Las Vegas. I just learned that you can make $1,000 for a night of sex in Vegas. Im going to live the high life.” At that point, he grabs his suitcase and starts packing his clothes, too. “What are you doing?!” she asks. “I’m going to Vegas, too,” he says “Because I want to see how you’re going to live the high life on 3 grand a year.” ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2021, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/945 "2021-10-30T13:04:59Z")
So classic, it became the title of a Led Zeppelin song (their one, rather misguided foray into reggae). ---
**Author:** ![Limmin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f04885/32.png) [@Limmin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Limmin)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2021, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/946 "2021-10-30T15:21:43Z")
That reminds me of one…not a merger but another Texas company joke. Nieman Marcus is often referred to as “Needless Markups” ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2021, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/947 "2021-10-30T15:26:21Z")
> [@Limmin](#): > > Nieman Marcus is often referred to as “Needless Markups” There was a pricey convenience store near my brother…Country Market. Everybody called it Country Markup. There was a newspaper called “The Beacon News” that we referred to as the “Be Confused.” Las Vegas is of course Lost Wages. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2021, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/948 "2021-10-30T15:41:31Z")
### I was in the hospital and asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said “suture self”. * * * ### Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 100? When she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat. * * * ### I have an inferiority complex But it’s not a very good one ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2021, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/949 "2021-10-31T05:40:43Z")
I finally got around to throwing my vacuum cleaner out - after all, it was just gathering dust. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2021, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/950 "2021-10-31T17:35:38Z")
There is a hockey team called the Toronto Make Believes. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2021, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/951 "2021-10-31T20:17:59Z")
### Q: What’s a skeleton’s favorite board game? A: Tibial Pursuit. * * * ### Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? A: No, they like to eat the fingers separately. * * * ### Q: What do you call six witches in a jacuzzi? A: A self cleaning coven. * * * ### Q: Why don’t you ever have an unexpected pregnancy when dating a vampire? A: Because they can’t come inside without asking permission. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=46) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=48)