# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 49
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2021, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/972 "2021-11-05T17:23:46Z")
### Here comes a joke about patience Wait for it… * * * ### There are two things we’re sure of: death and taxes. Now, if only we could get them in that order. * * * ### Two old guys wonder if there’s baseball in heaven, and promise each other that the first to die will somehow let the other one know. A week later, one of them dies. And a week after that, his friend recognizes his voice coming down from the clouds. “Joe, I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” the disembodied voice reports. “The good news is that there is a baseball team in heaven. The bad news is that you’re pitching on Friday." ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2021, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/973 "2021-11-06T00:31:20Z")
What does the Pillsbury Doughboy have behind his apron? Doughnuts What do you get if you tug on Santa’s sack? A white Christmas How are model trains like women’s breasts? They’re intended for children but grown men spend hours playing with them If a threesome is sex for three people, shouldn’t masturbation be handsome? Why don’t [ethnics] breastfeed their babies? It hurts too much to boil the nipples. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2021, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/974 "2021-11-06T01:37:27Z")
How come Barbie never got pregnant? Because Ken always came in another box. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2021, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/975 "2021-11-06T15:37:55Z")
What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? They both have a black box. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2021, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/976 "2021-11-06T19:20:57Z")
### I reckon I could have won something at the youth olympics If it wasn’t for all those medalling kids * * * ### "Doctor, I have problems with my eyesight.” “Damn straight you do. This is a hot dog stand." * * * ### Which fruit is most like a number? … nine, ten, a lemon, twelve, … ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2021, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/977 "2021-11-07T12:25:25Z")
Superman goes to a bar on Halloween. One guy is dresses as Bitcoin, another dressed as Ethereum, another dressed as Cardano, and another guy dressed as Dogecoin. Superman started getting sick and had to leave. He didn’t know that it was Crypto Night. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2021, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/978 "2021-11-07T15:23:18Z")
Reminds me of one. A traveling businessman is visiting Chicago, having a drink in the bar on top of the Hancock building. A guy at the bar next to him strikes up a conversation. “This your first time in Chicago? You know why it’s called the Windy City? The wind blows off Lake Michigan and is channeled between the tall buildings in such a way that you could actually jump off the balcony here, and the wind will blow you right back safely onto the balcony again.” The businessman says no way, impossible. So the man says “here, I’ll prove it”. He takes a running leap off the balcony. The businessman watches him start to fall, then slow down and loop back up, finishing in a graceful touchdown back on the balcony. The businessman says that’s amazing! His new friend says, give it a try, it works every time! So the businessman jumps, and plummets to his death. The bartender looks at the guy and says “y’know, you’re a real dick when you’ve been drinking, Superman”. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2021, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/979 "2021-11-07T16:03:19Z")
I re-watched **Capricorn One** the other night: This fellow hasn’t taken a vacation in years, so he treats himself to a lavish one. Mid-way through, he’s feeling great, seen the sights, eaten the food. He calls home to check up on things, talking to his slightly dim brother. “So what’s new?” “Your cat died.” “Cripes! You could soften the blow a little!” “Whatd’ya mean?” “Well, you could say, ‘The cat crawled out onto the roof and wouldn’t come down. We had to call the fire department to rescue it, but the cat ran up the nearest tree and when the fireman finally got the ladder re-positioned and got the cat in his hands, it wriggled out of his grip and dropped fifty feet to the pavement. So, we took it to the vet, but it was too late and now Kitty has gone to the Rainbow Bridge.’ You see? Ease into it.” “OK, gotcha.” “So, how’s Mom?” “Well, Mom crawled out onto the roof and wouldn’t come down… .” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2021, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/980 "2021-11-07T18:03:06Z")
### “The Government” is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I’m going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much. My clocks, my choice. * * * ### As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the best choice. * * * ### Why does Indiana Jones have such a hard time getting a girlfriend? Bad dates. ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2021, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/981 "2021-11-08T12:10:48Z")
Overheard at the cosmetics counter: “Did you hear about Helena Rubinstein?” “No.” “Max Factor.” ---
**Author:** ![CardboardBoxx](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardboardboxx/32/7079_2.png) [@CardboardBoxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CardboardBoxx)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2021, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/982 "2021-11-08T12:18:02Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Why does Indiana Jones have such a hard time getting a girlfriend? > > Bad dates. I don’t get this one. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2021, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/983 "2021-11-08T12:39:22Z")
“Bad dates” is a comic line from “Raider of the Lost Ark”. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2021, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/984 "2021-11-08T13:31:15Z")
Yes. Indy’s friend saves him from eating a date with poison on it. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2021, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/985 "2021-11-08T16:01:08Z")
I really miss my uncle. He died recently from an accident-- he lost too much blood and the hospital couldn’t figure out his blood type in time. He was just so optimistic and upbeat-- in fact, his very last words were “be positive”. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2021, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/986 "2021-11-08T19:33:46Z")
# Putin It was in the news recently that Putin was visiting a school in Moscow to promote the nations power on the world wide stage. The children were allowed to ask questions before lunch. Little Alina speaks up and says to Putin… “I have two questions” “Why did Russia take Crimea?” “And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?” Putin responds “Good questions” but before he can say anything else the bell goes and the kids go for lunch. When they come back to the classroom, there is room for more questions. Natasha speaks up to Putin, “I have four questions” “Why did Russia take Crimea?” “Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?” “Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?” “And where is Alina?” ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2021, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/987 "2021-11-09T00:36:38Z")
Video of El Arroyo signs. [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/H3rKJgiUZu8/maxresdefault.jpg "Funny Signs By The Legendary Tex-Mex Restaurant, El Arroyo | Memes Time") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3rKJgiUZu8) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2021, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/988 "2021-11-09T19:22:06Z")
### The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?” And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.” That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode. * * * ### My sex life is like COVID-19. I don’t have COVID-19. * * * ### I dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween. It wasn’t the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads. ---
**Author:** ![Karen\_Lingel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karen_lingel/32/18649_2.png) [@Karen\_Lingel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karen_Lingel)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2021, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/989 "2021-11-09T22:14:36Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode. LOL! LOLLOLLOL. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2021, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/990 "2021-11-10T01:19:31Z")
Aaron Rodgers took ivermectin for covid and is now demanding to be traded to the Colts or Broncos. ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2021, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/991 "2021-11-10T12:33:50Z")
A duck and a frog walk into a library. Duck: “Book, book, BOOOOK?” Frog: “Reddit, reddit, reddit.” [sounds better spoken.] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=48) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=50)