# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 65
**Author:** ![Tatterdemalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/43a26b/32.png) [@Tatterdemalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tatterdemalion)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2022, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1292 "2022-01-22T15:49:31Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > Old joke, you can plug any musician’s name into it. > > Meat Loaf awoke in an all-white recording studio, surrounded by instruments. > > Jimi Hendrix and Duane Allman were tuning their guitars. John Lennon was seated at the piano. Janis Joplin and Buddy Holly were warming up. > > As he stepped up to the microphone, an awestruck Meat Loaf murmured, “Wow! There really is a rock ‘n’ roll heaven!” Alternative punch line, Elvis Presley says, “There’s just one problem, God’s got this girlfriend who sings…” ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2022, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1293 "2022-01-22T16:01:02Z")
[![](https://i.stack.imgur.com/U0hRY.jpg) ](https://i.stack.imgur.com/U0hRY.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2022, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1294 "2022-01-22T19:48:54Z")
Heard on Quirks and Quarks this afternoon: Why are there pyramids in Egypt? Because they are too big to fit in the British museum. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2022, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1295 "2022-01-22T20:08:40Z")
### A man awakens from a coma. His wife, changing out her black clothes, snarks “I can’t depend on you for anything, can I?” * * * ### Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you’re prepared to deal with the Reaper cushions! * * * ### A man walks into an enchanted forest and starts to cut down a tree. “Wait!” says the tree, “I’m a talking tree! You can’t cut ME down!” “Sorry,” says the man, “you may be a talking tree, but you’ll dialogue.” ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2022, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1296 "2022-01-22T23:21:19Z")
What do you call a pig on a leash? Pulled pork! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2022, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1297 "2022-01-23T14:28:13Z")
### Patient: “Doctor! Doctor! Help me – I cannot feel my legs!” Doctor: “Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!” * * * ### What animal has five legs? A pitbull returning from a playground. * * * ### Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far! Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter! ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2022, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1298 "2022-01-23T15:01:13Z")
I had to throw out a whole box of animal crackers. When I opened the box, I found that the seal was broken. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2022, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1299 "2022-01-23T22:45:42Z")
The inventor of auto-correct has died. His funnel is tomato. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2022, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1300 "2022-01-24T04:39:17Z")
Why did the Mexican shoot his wife? tequila. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2022, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1301 "2022-01-24T17:37:13Z")
### Just found out that the Oscars is a big ol’ lie all the way along - Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors! * * * ### 85%of people in America don’t know basic math. Thanks God I’m from the other 25% * * * ### Why is suicide illegal in China? Destruction of government property ---
**Author:** ![DeadTreasSecretaries](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/deadtreassecretaries/32/4817_2.png) [@DeadTreasSecretaries](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadTreasSecretaries)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2022, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1302 "2022-01-25T01:22:46Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Why is suicide illegal in China? > > Destruction of government property Marines are not allowed to die without the approval of their commanding officers! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2022, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1303 "2022-01-25T01:40:18Z")
> [@DeadTreasSecretaries](#): > > Marines are not allowed to die without the approval of their commanding officers! Navy: Shut up and die like an aviator! ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2022, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1304 "2022-01-25T05:31:49Z")
Back in the days before cars, horses were often the fastest way to get from A to B. In an emergency, time was critical and sometimes they even had to ride at night. But in the dark, it’s hard to see so someone devised a way to hang lanterns from the horses so that riders could see the road and carry out their mission. That’s how saddle light navigation was invented. A classic from yesteryear…he autoreplaced some f\*\*\* with “love,” f\*\*\*ing with “loving,” but some may still be in there. Nicely written. “Oh, the beemanity!” > **[Oh dear lord! Bees! - The Something Awful Forums](https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2243176)** > > Oh dear lord! Bees! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2022, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1305 "2022-01-25T16:17:11Z")
That’s a ‘joke’? 😡 ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2022, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1306 "2022-01-25T16:21:22Z")
Yeah, that bee thing _really_ hasn’t aged well. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2022, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1307 "2022-01-25T18:24:49Z")
### Congratulations on your 65th birthday! At last you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents! * * * ### What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler? Just the Rottweiler. * * * ### It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds. An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle. ---
**Author:** ![Jim\_B](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jim_b/32/4338_2.png) [@Jim\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_B)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2022, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1308 "2022-01-26T14:43:03Z")
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2022, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1309 "2022-01-26T14:48:56Z")
### I think it’s a mistake to call childbirth delivery. It should be called takeout instead. * * * ### Have you tried blindfolded archery? You don’t know what you’re missing. * * * ### So I was digging in the garden and found a chest of gold. I ran inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2022, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1310 "2022-01-26T15:18:44Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### I think it’s a mistake to call childbirth delivery. > > It should be called takeout instead. It depends on your point of view. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2022, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1311 "2022-01-26T16:12:40Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > Why is six afraid of seven? > > Because seven ate nine. Alternate answer posted by **Prof.Pepperwinkle** earlier this month: Because seven is a registered six offender. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=64) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=66)