# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 72
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2022, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1432 "2022-02-09T15:55:57Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. I don’t remember the person who said this (Ellen Degeneres? Joan Rivers?): ‘Gloria Vanderbilt? One more facelift, and she’ll have a goatee!’ ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2022, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1433 "2022-02-09T16:09:13Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them No joke. That seems to be the rule rather than the exception here in La Crosse, Wisconsin, I was surprised to find when I moved here seven years ago. Lots of families with both parents working outside the home, and grandparents living in the neighborhood to take care of the kids. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2022, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1434 "2022-02-09T18:00:06Z")
I remember Joan Rivers describing a woman: “She’s had so many face lifts when she sits down her mouth flies opens.” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2022, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1435 "2022-02-09T23:35:46Z")
I still remember a Letterman line about Zsa Zsa Gabor (who was know to have a bit of face work done). This was after Gabor’s limo had been rear ended: “You should have seen the face Zsa Zsa wanted to make.” mmm ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2022, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1436 "2022-02-11T02:10:50Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > I don’t remember the person who said this (Ellen Degeneres? Joan Rivers?): ‘Gloria Vanderbilt? One more facelift, and she’ll have a goatee!’ Allegedly, in the scene (The World According to Garp) where Garp’s wife tells him she’s pregnant he draws a baby’s face on her belly with lipstick. In one take, he drew it too low and Robin Williams quipped, “Baby’s got a beard!” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2022, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1437 "2022-02-11T15:27:02Z")
### I just competed in the Suntanning Olympics but I only got bronze. * * * ### I reckon I could have won something at the Youth Olympics If it wasn’t for all those medaling kids. * * * ### An old man goes up to a prostitute. He says “how much do you charge?”. She says “€150”. He replies “I’ve got no money, all I have is these two Olympic gold medals I won in the 60’s”. She says “that’ll do”, takes the medals and off they go to take care of business. Next evening another old man approaches, “how much do you charge?” he asks. “€200” she says. “Are you any good?” he then asks. “Well I’ve two Olympic gold medals ---
**Author:** ![Limmin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f04885/32.png) [@Limmin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Limmin)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2022, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1438 "2022-02-11T17:12:01Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. What should I do? > > Pull yourself together. Fallout 4 joke: Virgil: I see the teleporter hasn’t totally disintegrated you. Nate: It did, but I managed to pull myself together. ---
**Author:** ![Dogginit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogginit/32/16920_2.png) [@Dogginit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogginit)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2022, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1439 "2022-02-11T19:31:34Z")
My dad caught me having a wank. He said “If you keep doing that, you’ll go blind.” I asked “Can I do it just til I need glasses?” ---
**Author:** ![Dogginit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogginit/32/16920_2.png) [@Dogginit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogginit)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2022, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1440 "2022-02-11T19:34:42Z")
A man is walking by an alley, and a prostitute asked him if he’d like to have a little fun. He said “Why not? How much for a blowjob?” “$100” she said. He hollered “$100? That’s way too much.” “Take it or leave it, that’s the price.” He grumbled, then dropped his drawers and started masturbating furiously. “What are you doing?” He replied “For $100 I’m not giving you the easy one.” ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2022, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1441 "2022-02-11T19:42:51Z")
A hooker approaches a john and says “I’ll do anything you want for $100.” “Anything?” he asks. “Anything.” So he takes her home, hands her a bucket and a brush and says “Paint my porch.” An hour later she rings the doorbell, hands him the bucket and brush and collects her money. As she is leaving she says over her shoulder “By the way, that isn’t a porch. It’s a Ferrari.” ---
**Author:** ![ekedolphin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ekedolphin/32/10003_2.png) [@ekedolphin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ekedolphin)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2022, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1442 "2022-02-11T19:42:58Z")
After I gave my father his 60th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes. “For God’s sake,” he said, “one would have been sufficient.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2022, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1443 "2022-02-11T20:47:06Z")
> [@Dogginit](#): > > My dad caught me having a wank. He said “If you keep doing that, you’ll go blind.” I asked “Can I do it just til I need glasses?” That reminds me of a The Young Ones episode (‘Nasty’?) where Neil, Vyvyan, and Mike are downstairs. They hear pounding upstairs. One of then says, ‘What’s that pounding upstairs?’ Another replies, ‘Probably Ric, doing a bit of reading.’ ---
**Author:** ![ekedolphin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ekedolphin/32/10003_2.png) [@ekedolphin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ekedolphin)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2022, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1444 "2022-02-11T20:49:28Z")
I was teaching a class today and I asked the students, “Who would like to learn about Roman Numerals?” A student at the front of the class said, “I, for one…” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2022, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1445 "2022-02-12T17:52:40Z")
**Lincoln’s Birthday** ## There was one similarity between Lincoln and Kennedy’s assassination that everyone overlooked… A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe. * * * ## A blonde goes to an interview to be a police officer. The interview goes well until the interviewer asks some general knowledge questions. She does ok on the first few, until she is asked, " Who shot Abraham Lincoln?" She tells the interviewer she doesn’t know, and he tells her to go home and work on the answer. Her mom calls her later and asks how the interview went. She tells her mom, “Great, they already have me working on a case.” * * * ### What did Abraham Lincoln say when he heard there’s a movie about him hunting vampires? “What the heck’s a movie?.” ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2022, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1446 "2022-02-12T18:27:05Z")
I’ve been fighting an addiction to watching Hitchcock movies. I’ve entered a 39 Step program. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2022, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1447 "2022-02-12T18:28:56Z")
Good luck. that program is for the birds. ---
**Author:** ![Jim\_B](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jim_b/32/4338_2.png) [@Jim\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_B)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2022, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1448 "2022-02-13T01:36:01Z")
I read this rhyme in a book for children, of all places, when I was a child. (I shutter to think what kids are reading today.) How did it go? _Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow; And everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go._ _Until she saw beef in the store one day at prices that didn’t please her;_ _She’s having roast lamb today, the rest is in the freezer._ Hey, like I said. What are kids reading today? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2022, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1449 "2022-02-13T01:51:32Z")
Mary had a little lamb Leftover in a stew It sat and sat until it turned A ghastly shade of blue ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2022, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1450 "2022-02-13T02:00:31Z")
Did you ever think When a hearse goes by That one of these days You’re gonna die? They wrap you up In a big, big sheet And throw you down About thirty feet The worms crawl in, The worms crawl out, The worms play pinochle On your snout. I googled to see if there might be other verses and wow, there’s a song with lots of verses. [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/ZJppqS8uDyQ/hqdefault.jpg "Harley Poe - The Hearse song ( with lyrics :o )") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJppqS8uDyQ) ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2022, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1451 "2022-02-13T16:01:21Z")
[[Album] When.. I got nothing.. ![](https://i.imgur.com/NlUPJQO.jpeg?fb "When.. I got nothing..") ](https://imgur.com/gallery/qUrtgpd) (Looks like you need to click on it, then scroll down for additional verses) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=71) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=73)