# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 77
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2022, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1532 "2022-02-20T01:51:25Z")
### My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans… I pulled out my iPhone and said, “That’s nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!” * * * ### If you ask Vanilla Ice’s mother about his childhood… she’ll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby. * * * ### Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2022, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1533 "2022-02-20T02:20:57Z")
I wasn’t expecting that punchline. ---
**Author:** ![billy-jack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@billy-jack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billy-jack)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2022, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1534 "2022-02-20T03:18:11Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > My 7 year old nephew showed me … Here’s a little kid joke for you. What do cat’s eat for desert? Mice cream ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2022, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1535 "2022-02-20T03:52:57Z")
What’s a cat’s favorite Chinese dish? Mousey Tongue ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2022, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1536 "2022-02-20T04:23:48Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > A fat-assed old white dude walks into a bar… No, that should be… A fat-assed old white dude rides his scooter into a Wal-Mart. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2022, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1537 "2022-02-20T08:08:14Z")
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mew-sli. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2022, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1538 "2022-02-20T13:34:42Z")
### I watched a movie about Stockholm Syndrome It captured me even though i didn’t like it at first, but by the end i absolutely loved it * * * ### I endorse podiums… That’s a product I can stand behind. * * * ### I have the attention of a goldfish Seriously, its been watching me for hours ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2022, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1539 "2022-02-20T15:12:51Z")
Lectern. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Jim\_B](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jim_b/32/4338_2.png) [@Jim\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_B)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2022, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1540 "2022-02-20T15:23:34Z")
_No one has done this one yet. Yeah, I know where I grew up it was a jump rope song:_ Miss Lucy had a steam boat The steamboat had a bell, Miss Lucy went to heaven and the Steamboat went to… Hello operator Please give me number nine And if you disconnect me I will chop off your… Behind the 'fridgerator There was a piece of glass Miss Lucy sat upon it And she cut her big fat… Ask me no more questions I’ll tell you no more lies The boys are in the bathroom Pulling down their… Flies are in the meadow The bees are in the park Miss Lucy and her boyfriend Are kissing in the… Dark is like a movie A movie’s like a show A show is like a tv set And that is all I know. 😉 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Al128](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/al128/32/16541_2.png) [@Al128](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Al128)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2022, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1541 "2022-02-20T16:17:17Z")
you mean bathed breadth, do you? ---
**Author:** ![Al128](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/al128/32/16541_2.png) [@Al128](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Al128)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2022, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1542 "2022-02-20T16:28:53Z")
This Fred is getting more pizza bye the owe-her!!! (nevermind, I show myself out) ---
**Author:** ![Al128](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/al128/32/16541_2.png) [@Al128](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Al128)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2022, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1543 "2022-02-20T16:32:43Z")
_That could be almost anybody. You should have added “wearing a Hawaiian shirt.”_ not all of us care about asian religions … ---
**Author:** ![Al128](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/al128/32/16541_2.png) [@Al128](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Al128)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2022, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1544 "2022-02-20T16:34:16Z")
_Will you come back?_ _Will, you come back!_ Will you come, back? ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2022, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1545 "2022-02-20T16:45:37Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > How to play “Happy Birthday” Like Beethoven, Chopin, Brahms, Bach and Mozart Piano by Nicole Pesce As a music dork (well, also, just a regular plain ol’ dork) I’d like to sincerely thank you for that link. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2022, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1546 "2022-02-20T16:56:22Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > As a music dork (well, also, just a regular plain ol’ dork) I’d like to sincerely thank you for that link. She’s pretty good, isn’t she? Here’s a bonus. [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/Nxgm27oWu3s/maxresdefault.jpg "MozART group - How to impress a woman (Official Video, 2017)") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nxgm27oWu3s) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1547 "2022-02-21T00:56:19Z")
### Beethoven’s wife was leaving him. She asked him for one reason she should stay. He begged her not to go and told her she was his inspiration. She replied, “I’M your inspriation? Ha-ha-ha-HAAA!” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1548 "2022-02-21T12:29:53Z")
### T he year is 2040 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president. A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, ‘So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?’ ‘I don’t think so. It’s a 16 hour drive, your mother isn’t as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.’ ‘Don’t worry about it Daddy, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.’ ‘I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?’ ‘Oh, Daddy’, replies the president-elect, ‘I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington .’ ‘Honey,’ Dad complains, ‘you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.’ The President-to-be responds, ‘Don’t worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I’ll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.’ So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman from Alabama is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sit the new president’s Dad and Mom. Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, ‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .’ The Justice whispers back, ‘Yes I do.’ Daddy says proudly, ‘Her brother played football for the University of Alabama .’ * * * ### President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states. Solid, liquid and gas. * * * ### Steve Jobs would’ve been a better president than Trump. But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1549 "2022-02-21T18:07:30Z")
Happy Presidents Day! ### James A. Garfield: “Man does not live by bread alone. He also requires peanut butter.” ---
**Author:** ![Jim\_B](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jim_b/32/4338_2.png) [@Jim\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_B)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1550 "2022-02-21T18:21:07Z")
_(Dennis Miller once said this on SNL [it’s still funny].)_ An evil game had taken hold here in New York. It’s called Owling. People go to the Bronx Zoo. Then they run around the owl cage naked until his head twists off. ---
**Author:** ![cytop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f17d59/32.png) [@cytop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cytop)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2022, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1551 "2022-02-21T18:23:05Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### T he _[sic]_ year is 2040 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president … and on January 20, 2021, the first woman from Alabama… Don’t tell Trump how she did that! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=76) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=78)