# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 80
**Author:** ![Jim\_B](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jim_b/32/4338_2.png) [@Jim\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_B)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2022, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1592 "2022-02-26T03:46:28Z")
You: _I have a knock-knock joke for you._ Friend: _Alright._ You: _Okay, you start._ Friend: _Knock-knock_ You: _Who’s there?_ ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2022, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1593 "2022-02-26T04:36:17Z")
Knock knock. Who’s there? To. To who? No, it’s “to whom”. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2022, 10:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1594 "2022-02-26T10:09:00Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > _Marriage is a three-ring circus._ > > _First comes the engagement ring, then comes the wedding ring._ > > _Then comes the suffering._ > > (Lou Costello) Marriage isn’t a word - it’s a sentence. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2022, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1595 "2022-02-26T14:07:43Z")
Marriage is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand. ---
**Author:** ![a6ka97](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c2a13f/32.png) [@a6ka97](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/a6ka97)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2022, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1596 "2022-02-26T14:10:25Z")
I married Mrs. Right. Mrs. _Always_ Right. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2022, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1597 "2022-02-26T14:20:20Z")
### Why is President Zelensky still in Kiev? His humongous balls keep getting stuck in the doorway. * * * ### Why is six afraid of seven? Because -0.8959441701 [Cos(789)] * * * ### Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18th floor nightclub, was not a bouncer. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2022, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1598 "2022-02-26T14:39:18Z")
> My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. > > I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. > > My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair. ~Rodney Dangerfield. More Rodney [here.](https://www.beer100.com/rodney-dangerfield/) ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2022, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1599 "2022-02-26T14:56:43Z")
> [@](#): > > I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife. Seems like he had another one where a guy asked him if he had any naked pictures of his wife. “I told him no. He said, wanna buy some?” ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2022, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1600 "2022-02-26T16:09:26Z")
> [@Shoeless](#): > > Q. What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? > > A. Dr. Dre > > Bonus Snoop joke: > Q. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? > > A. Fo’ drizzle. Q. How does Snoop Dogg like his steaks? A. Ta’ sizzle. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2022, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1601 "2022-02-26T18:23:53Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Why is President Zelensky still in Kiev? > > His humongous balls keep getting stuck in the doorway. Then there’s that motorist who taunted a Russian tank crew that had run out of fuel. ‘Can I tow you back… To Russia?’ ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2022, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1602 "2022-02-26T18:29:18Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > To Russia “In Russia we have Russian Express—‘Don’t Leave Home!’” and “They made me feel at home in Cleveland…so I had to escape again.” [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/QboXCnKpgtU/maxresdefault.jpg "From Russia with Laughs, Yakov Smirnoff at Dangerfield’s (1984)") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QboXCnKpgtU) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2022, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1603 "2022-02-26T22:18:15Z")
### From _Fiddler on the Roof_: Townsperson: Rabbi, is there a prayer for the Tsar? Rabbi. Of course there’s a prayer for the Tsar. “Oh Lord, bless and keep the Tsar… far away from us.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2022, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1604 "2022-02-26T22:34:42Z")
### Putin says the Russian forces are in Ukraine for “Peacekeeping”: or, as we call it in the USA, “Legitimate Political Discourse”. ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2022, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1605 "2022-02-27T04:25:13Z")
Another version of the “parachutes” joke: Putin, Biden, and Zelenskyy are on a plane that starts sputtering and losing altitude. They find that there are only two parachutes. Putin immediately grabs a parachute and bails out. Biden looks at Zelenskyy and says, “Under the circustances, your country needs you more than my country needs me. You take the last parachute.” Zelenskyy sees that there is no arguing Biden out of this, and bails out with the second parachute. The plane then levels off and flies right, no longer weighted down by Zelenskyy’s balls. ---
**Author:** ![Jim\_B](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jim_b/32/4338_2.png) [@Jim\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_B)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2022, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1606 "2022-02-27T14:19:12Z")
_My mother (Polish) used to say this was the only Polish joke she liked:_ Q. How does one Pole find another Pole in the dark? A. Wonderful ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2022, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1607 "2022-02-27T16:30:06Z")
## How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? One. No, two. No, four. No, eight… * * * ### A guy walks into a restaurant and orders minced pork shoulder and ham, pressed it into a block and served in a can. POST REMOVED **Rule 3 - No Spam posts.** * * * ### I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill my fantasy… That we have health insurance. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2022, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1608 "2022-02-27T16:56:03Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Why does 10 suffer from PTSD? > > Because the poor son of a bitch was right in the middle of 9/11. Also, when 7 8 9, he witnessed the whole thing. ---
**Author:** ![DeadTreasSecretaries](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/deadtreassecretaries/32/4817_2.png) [@DeadTreasSecretaries](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadTreasSecretaries)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2022, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1609 "2022-02-27T23:24:52Z")
I went to see a topless ventriloquist act. Never saw her lips move. ---
**Author:** ![Limmin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f04885/32.png) [@Limmin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Limmin)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2022, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1610 "2022-02-27T23:39:00Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > _Did you hear? Nacho won a beauty contest._ > Nacho who? > _I don’t know. But she was nacho momma, I can tell you that right now!_ Found on Reddit but probably originally from someplace else: poster 1 - you are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos poster 2 - This is the most hopeful thing I’ve ever read. poster 3 - what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos poster 4 - then tomorrow is nacho lucky day ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2022, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1611 "2022-02-28T00:48:36Z")
From Facebook: In 1978 astrophysicist Brian May postulated that the Earth’s rotation was due to “Fat Bottomed Girls.” After more than 40 years without being disproven, refuted, or really even seriously questioned, this must now be considered scientific fact. > **[It’s science - Funny](https://9gag.com/gag/aLv9pOP)** > > 2,138 points • 51 comments [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=79) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=81)