# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 81
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2022, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1612 "2022-02-28T14:20:34Z")
# Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar. The Bartender looks up, “Were were just about to start a new drinking game I’ve been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the twice the cost of the drinks. Half covers the drinks, the other half is given that money again to the winner. Each person chooses their drinks ahead of time.” They all agree this. Chuck Norris looks at the bartender, “I’ll have a 2 oz. mix of spirits, hot sauce, and grenadine.” God looks at the bartender and says, “I’ll have a tall glass of your finest wine.” Zelensky looks the bartender and says, “I’ll have a gallon of Vodka.” The bartender passes around their drinks (having to raid his cabinets for Zelensky), and then calls out the first brag, “Who’s the toughest guy here?” All three chug their drinks, and slam double the money on the counter. All three look fine. Zelensky is even smirking after the whole gallon of Vodka. They all put their money on the counter. The bartender calls out, “Who is the manliest guy here?” All three chug their drinks, and slam double the money on the counter. The bartender calls out, “Who can stare death straight in the eye and laugh?” All three chug their drinks, and slam double the money on the counter. At this point, God is looking a little woozy. The bartender calls out, “Who can stand next to those they care about, no matter what happens?” Chuck Norris helps God back up after he slumped back down, blacking out, and after putting his own on the counter, shakes some of God’s collection plate money out of his pockets and puts it on the table for him. The bartender calls out, “Every man, woman, and child would enjoy being able to simply bask in their presence.” Chuck Norris puts down some cash, feeling both kinds of his burn at his drink, and looks over at Zelensky who looks completely unfazed, and his money in front of him. The bartender calls out, “Who can actually back it up and it’s not just bravado?” Chuck Norris chuckles, “Sorry, bravado’s my whole schtick, I’m out.” Zelensky frowns, “I really thought you two would stick out longer than that. I was hoping to make bank.” Chuck Norris shrugs, “Sorry, I’m just an actor. What are you going to do with the money? Buy a cool ride?” Zelensky looks at Chuck, “I don’t need a ride, I need more ammo.” The bartender looks at Zelensky, still in awe of the guy, “So… how can you drink six gallons of Vodka and not be fazed?” Zelensky smiles, “Oh, I have an unexpected resistance to anything Russian.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2022, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1613 "2022-02-28T14:25:50Z")
### Heard about the insurance that refused to pay for the lightning damage of the church? It was judged to be an Act of God, and thus deliberate damage by owner. * * * ### I farted in my church’s confession booth I said to the priest, “Forgive me father, for I have wind.” * * * ### What do you call an all male identifying, church choir? The He/Hymns ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2022, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1614 "2022-02-28T19:10:02Z")
### 5 out of 6 scientists say… Russian Roulette is safe. ---
**Author:** ![Jim\_B](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jim_b/32/4338_2.png) [@Jim\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_B)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2022, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1615 "2022-02-28T21:56:59Z")
(Now when I was a little kid, this joke was a often quoted cliché. I just don’t know where it originated. And why don’t people talk about it anymore?) _Why did the chicken cross the road?_ To get to the other side. Okay, that wasn’t the best one. So, along the same vein of thinking… _Do do firefighters wear red suspenders?_ To keep their pants from falling down. (If I was still a kid, I’d be rolling on the floor now 😉 🙂 .) ---
**Author:** ![Folacin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/folacin/32/3195_2.png) [@Folacin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Folacin)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2022, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1616 "2022-02-28T22:13:42Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > (If I was still a kid, I’d be rolling on the floor now 😉 🙂 .) Because someone had punched you for telling stupid jokes? 🙂 😉 ---
**Author:** ![GreysonCarlisle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a87d85/32.png) [@GreysonCarlisle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreysonCarlisle)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2022, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1617 "2022-02-28T22:35:04Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > _Why did the chicken cross the road?_ > To get to the other side. I thought it was to see a man lay bricks. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2022, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1618 "2022-02-28T22:47:39Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Why are frogs always so happy? > > They eat whatever bugs them. “Time’s fun when you’re having flies.” –Kermit T. Frog ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2022, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1619 "2022-02-28T23:18:58Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > _Why did the chicken cross the road?_ > To get to the other side. Q. Why did the duck cross the road? A. It was the chicken’s day off. ---
**Author:** ![Karen\_Lingel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karen_lingel/32/18649_2.png) [@Karen\_Lingel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karen_Lingel)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2022, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1620 "2022-03-01T01:17:28Z")
Canadian Joke: When Canadian geese fly south, do you know why one side of their “V” is always longer than the other? There are more geese on that side. ---
**Author:** ![jaycat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaycat/32/3015_2.png) [@jaycat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jaycat)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2022, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1621 "2022-03-01T01:35:07Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > _Do do firefighters wear red suspenders?_ > To keep their pants from falling down. Which are bigger, fireman’s balls or policemen’s balls? ---
**Author:** ![DeadTreasSecretaries](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/deadtreassecretaries/32/4817_2.png) [@DeadTreasSecretaries](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadTreasSecretaries)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2022, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1622 "2022-03-01T02:16:24Z")
Which? ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2022, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1623 "2022-03-01T12:10:59Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### I farted in my church’s confession booth > > I said to the priest, “Forgive me father, for I have wind.” …and then the priest made me go sit in my own pew. ---
**Author:** ![jaycat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaycat/32/3015_2.png) [@jaycat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jaycat)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2022, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1624 "2022-03-01T13:17:48Z")
It depends on who sells the most tickets. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2022, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1625 "2022-03-01T18:23:31Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > And why don’t people talk about it anymore?) > > _Why did the chicken cross the road?_ > To get to the other side. Everybody misses the purpose of this joke. It is never to be used as the first riddle, it’'s the last in a series of riddles: you start off asking a fairly easy riddle “What has feet but cannot walk?”, move on to a short series of progressively harder ones that have the quesser needing to go further and further afield, and then you hit him with the chicken joke. It’s the discrepancy that’s funny. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2022, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1626 "2022-03-01T18:25:27Z")
### Why did the chicken cross the road? She wanted to meet Gregory Peck. ### Why did the chicken cross the road twice? She was a double-crosser. ### Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan. ---
**Author:** ![Limmin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f04885/32.png) [@Limmin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Limmin)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2022, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1627 "2022-03-01T21:10:38Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > (If I was still a kid, I’d be rolling on the floor now 😉 🙂 .) Why do ducks have big, flat feet? To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephants have big, flat feet? To stomp out burning ducks. My inner child still finds this one hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2022, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1628 "2022-03-01T21:13:07Z")
Why do elephants paint the bottom of their feet yellow ? So they can float upside-down undetected in a bowl of custard. ---
**Author:** ![Ignatz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/3be4f8/32.png) [@Ignatz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ignatz)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2022, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1629 "2022-03-01T21:28:31Z")
Why does a chicken cross the road? To prove that it can be done. (no joke, GQ) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2022, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1630 "2022-03-01T21:45:14Z")
> [@Ignatz](#): > > To prove that it can be done. To prove to the opossum it can be done. ---
**Author:** ![billy-jack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@billy-jack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billy-jack)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2022, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1631 "2022-03-01T22:16:17Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Everybody misses the purpose of this joke. It is never to be used as the first riddle, it’'s the last in a series of riddles: you start off asking a fairly easy riddle “What has feet but cannot walk?”, move on to a short series of progressively harder ones that have the quesser needing to go further and further afield, and then you hit him with the chicken joke. It’s the discrepancy that’s funny. When I was in elementary school, someone got a girl in my class to ask one of my neighbors “How does your aunt dance?” So she did. The answer, given without a hint of a smile, was “I don’t think that’s funny. My aunt doesn’t have any legs.” The girl burst out in tears over that. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=80) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=82)