# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 85
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1692 "2022-03-13T14:37:47Z")
**An airplane is on the side of a road.** **Highway Patrolman:** Do you know what the speed limit is? **Pilot:** 250 knots or less under 10,000 feet? **Highway patrolman:** Hands on the vehicle, please. [[Album] imgur.com ![](https://i.imgur.com/Yt0UWX9.jpeg?fb "imgur.com") ](https://imgur.com/a/PpECYFh) Or 200 knots below 2,500 feet within four miles of Class C or Class D airspace. Or 200 knots under Class B airspace or a VFR corridore through Class B airspace. Unless unless the minimum safe speed is greater than the other speeds. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2022, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1693 "2022-03-14T11:59:27Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high… > > These days we switched to cocaine to save some money Ha!!! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2022, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1694 "2022-03-14T12:21:01Z")
### I recently came up with a pirate-themed tabletop RPG, but then the makers of Dungeons and Dragons found out. They sent me a seas-and-d6 letter. * * * ### A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race. The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, he didn’t have enough stamina to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first mile, but the tomato fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the race when he collapsed from exhaustion right in front of the finish line. Over the course of the next hour, the tomato ran the entire length of the race, and won. Why was the tomato so successful? The tomato paste himself. * * * ### What do you call a flatulent pigeon? A tootledove. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2022, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1695 "2022-03-14T15:12:41Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Why was the tomato so successful? > > The tomato paste himself. So, did the tomato ketchup? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2022, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1696 "2022-03-14T16:26:30Z")
No, he was sauced. ---
**Author:** ![Jim\_B](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jim_b/32/4338_2.png) [@Jim\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_B)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2022, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1697 "2022-03-14T22:43:28Z")
And long as this is the omnia joke thread, and I don’t know where else to put it, I am reminded what I thought was funny as a child. It just doesn’t strike me the same way now. In grade school, there was a drawing of Paul Revere, with a balloon, fill in the text. Another kid and I thought it would be hilarious to write in ‘I have to go to the bathroom!’ Yeah, and we couldn’t stop laughing about that one. Also my best friend and I thought it would be funny to insert in a fortune cookie ‘help! I am being held captive in a Chinese fortune cookie factory!’ Now that one I still find a little funny now. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2022, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1698 "2022-03-15T19:31:50Z")
### In honor of the above, a tribute to Alan King: A short summary of every Jewish holiday: “They tried to kill us; we won; let’s eat!” If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books. The best definition of an honest politician is one who… when he is bought, stays bought. Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’a a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it. Banks have a new image. Now you have a friend, your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens? You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2022, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1699 "2022-03-15T20:35:33Z")
If the President’s wife is called the First Lady, what is the President’s mother called? Joe Mama! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2022, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1700 "2022-03-15T20:36:51Z")
Alan King Bibliography: ## Bibliography[Edit](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Alan_King&action=edit§ion=9) - _Anybody Who Owns His Own Home Deserves It_ , with Kathryn Ryan (1962) \*\*\* _Help! I’m a Prisoner in a Chinese Bakery_ (1964)\*\* - _Is Salami and Eggs Better Than Sex? Memoirs of a Happy Eater_ (1985) - _Name Dropping: The Life and Lies of Alan King_ (1996) with [Chris Chase](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Chase) - _Alan King’s Great Jewish Joke Book_ (2002) - _Matzoh Balls for Breakfast and Other Memories of Growing Up Jewish_ (2005) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2022, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1701 "2022-03-16T13:34:24Z")
### They said that my dad was gay. Now I am trying to figure out which one. * * * ### How do you identify the gender of an ant? (1) Place it in water. (2) If it sinks: girl ant (3) If it floats… * * * ### “Do you really have to lick the knife?” she cringed. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?” “Yes, doctor, but not during surgery!" ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2022, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1702 "2022-03-16T22:33:55Z")
> [@dtilque](#): > > It’s still OK to make jokes about Belgians. As a founding member of the Belgian Bike Bros, I can assure you we love jokes about us, but not in a half-hearted “Ooh, we might offend someone” way. You have to really commit to it. No one likes a Belgian Waffler. ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2022, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1703 "2022-03-17T05:42:24Z")
> [@digs](#): > > As a founding member of the Belgian Bike Bros What kind of bikes do these bros ride? Real two-wheelers or those with motors? (comment disparaging the riders of the latter deleted) > [@digs](#): > > No one likes a Belgian Waffler. Did I just waffle? Maybe yes, maybe no. As a 3rd generation Belgian-American, I defend my right to waffle as I please. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2022, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1704 "2022-03-17T18:59:31Z")
A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical. The doctor instructs him to drop his pants and lean over the table for a prostate exam. Doctor: Now try not to get aroused this time, Henry. Patient: My name’s not Henry. Doctor: That’s my name. ---
**Author:** ![Jim\_B](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jim_b/32/4338_2.png) [@Jim\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_B)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2022, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1705 "2022-03-17T21:46:04Z")
Oh, speaking of childhood (sorry, but I’m still reliving my past 🙂 ), I’ve got to tell the first joke I ever told. I was age five or six. And I was so proud of myself. It’s a classic Buddy Hackett. Totally clean though. _There’s a restaurant downtown that says that they’ll serve you anything you ask on an onion roll, or double your money back._ _One man thinks, I’ll fix their wagon._ _So he goes there, and he tells the waiter ‘I’ll have an elephant ear, on an onion roll.’_ _The waiter kind of rolls his eyes from side to side. Then he shrugs his shoulders and goes to the kitchen._ _A few moments later he comes back, and says ‘Here. Double your money back.’_ _‘I knew it! I knew it!’ the man says, ‘You didn’t have elephants’ ears.’_ _‘No, we didn’t have onion rolls. Just ran out!’_ (As I said, at age five I thought it was hilarious 😉 🙂 .) ---
**Author:** ![billy-jack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@billy-jack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billy-jack)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2022, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1706 "2022-03-17T22:54:32Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > There’s a restaurant downtown that says that they’ll serve you anything you ask on an onion roll, or double your money back. I remember a joke something along the same lines from when I was a kid. A man sees a restaurant that advertses “cutlets of every kind of meat”. He decided to test this offer and walked in. The following conversation is the result: Diner: I understand you have cutlets of any kind. Waiter: Yes, that is correct. What would you like. Diner: I would like an elephant cutlet, please. Waiter: Is anyone joining you? Diner: No. Just me. Waiter: Can I interest you in a different kind of cutlet, sir? Diner: No, I have my heart set on an elephant cutlet. Waiter: I’m afraid that we cannot serve you an elephant cutlet. Diner: You advertise cutlets from every animal. Do you not have elephant cutlets? Isn’t that false advertising? Waiter: But, sir! Surely you don’t expect us to kill our elephant for just one cutlet. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2022, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1707 "2022-03-17T23:28:17Z")
That’s… Actually not bad, @Jim_B . Especially for a five-year-old ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2022, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1708 "2022-03-18T12:20:52Z")
The ‘onion roll’ part reminded me of a Norm MacDonald joke: I stopped at a bar for a drink on my way to visit my nephew. An extremely intoxicated gentleman challenged me to a game of darts and beat me. He demanded a prize for winning, and all I had on me was a pet turtle I was going to give my nephew, so I gave it to him instead. Months later I was in the same bar, and the same intoxicated gentleman challenged me to a game of darts, beat me again, and once again demanded a prize. I asked him, “well, what did I give you last time?” “Rare roast beef on a hard roll.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2022, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1709 "2022-03-18T19:47:32Z")
### How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb? Why does it have to be a group activity? * * * ### What’s more Irish than potatoes? No potatoes * * * ### Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2022, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1710 "2022-03-18T19:58:09Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### What’s more Irish than potatoes? > > No potatoes I’ve always heard that one as How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None! ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2022, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1711 "2022-03-18T23:09:50Z")
What did the elephant say to the naked man? “How do you breathe through that thing?” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=84) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=86)