# More Jokes
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Tags:** comedian-jokes
**Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 9
### Author:  [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)
#### Post date: [April 7, 2021, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/162 "2021-04-07T14:04:58Z")
[Well, I’m from Indiana, and we’re big on corn here.]
### It must be hard for people learning to spell in English. For example, there is one silent K in “knight”, four silent K’s in “knickknack”
And three silent K’s in “Republican”.
* * *
### I saw a microbiologist in person today…
He was much bigger in real life
* * *
### Never kick a volcano
You might Krakatoa
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### Author:  [@Precambrianmollusc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Precambrianmollusc)
#### Post date: [April 7, 2021, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/163 "2021-04-07T18:06:24Z")
My dad was addicted to ladders
He kept using them to get high.
I did a really good data analytics project on car sales and types with really interesting plots. It was so good I think it made me famous.
People kept asking me for my auto graph
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### Author:  [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2021, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/164 "2021-04-08T16:58:34Z")
80 year old man goes into a Catholic confessional booth.
He says “Father, I’ve been making love to a beautiful 25 year old woman twice a day for the past 3 weeks.”
The priest says, “why are you telling _ **ME** _ this, Mr. Johnson? I happen to know you’re Presbyterian.”
“Hey, I’m telling everybody!”
---
### Author:  [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)
#### Post date: [April 10, 2021, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/165 "2021-04-10T12:48:22Z")
### I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day
It was impossible to put down
* * *
### Who is a deep fried rodent’s favourite actor?
Chris Pratt
* * *
### Why is Spider-Man so good at making comebacks?
Because with great power comes, great response-ability.
---
### Author:  [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)
#### Post date: [April 13, 2021, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/166 "2021-04-13T01:04:47Z")
### I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.
That’s 5 years in a row now.
–
### To all my SDMB friends observing the holy month of Ramadan…
…Lunch is on me.
* * *
# Pablo Picasso was once mugged in the street…
When the police questioned him on the appearance of the culprit, he did the reconstruction sketch himself.
The investigation went rather quickly. On the first day, the police had already arrested 3 handicapped people, 3 elderly women, 2 fish, and a sewing machine.
---
### Author:  [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)
#### Post date: [April 14, 2021, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/167 "2021-04-14T22:51:18Z")
### “I finally understand how cloning works!”
“That makes two of us.”
* * *
### Me: You know, since it doesn’t have a tail, I’m pretty sure it is actually a hamster.
IT: Okay sir. Please right-click your hamster, and save the file.
* * *
### When it comes to paying for porn, the French got it right.
L’onlyfans
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### Author:  [@brachyrhynchos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brachyrhynchos)
#### Post date: [April 15, 2021, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/168 "2021-04-15T03:03:45Z")
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
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### Author:  [@bob\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bob_2)
#### Post date: [April 15, 2021, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/169 "2021-04-15T07:58:27Z")
by Steve Hofstetter
Bernie Madoff just died.
You can be a pallbearer at his funeral, but only if you recruit 6 more pallbearers, who in turn recruit 6 more.
([https://www.jokeblogger.com/](https://www.jokeblogger.com/))
---
### Author:  [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)
#### Post date: [April 15, 2021, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/170 "2021-04-15T12:03:33Z")
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To see his friend Gregory Peck.
Q: Why did the hen go halfway across the road?
A: She wanted to lay it on the line.
---
### Author:  [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)
#### Post date: [April 15, 2021, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/171 "2021-04-15T16:15:47Z")
Q. Why did the duck cross the road?
A. It was the chicken’s day off.
---
### Author:  [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2021, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/172 "2021-04-17T13:21:19Z")
### What does James Bond’s doorbell sounds like?
‘‘Dong, Ding Dong’’
* * *
### Stop asking how Dumbo flies
The answer is ear elephant
* * *
# A newly married Alan goes to the meet Father George
He greets the priest and says, ‘Father, I need to talk to you.’
The Priest asks, ‘Is it a confession, my son?’
Alan replies, ‘No, Father! I need to clarify something.’
The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, ‘Tell me, Alan. What is it?’
Alan asks, ‘Father, why do the kindest of girls begin their quest to change men after marriage?’
The Priest smiles and replied, 'Alan, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, her brain registers 3 stimuli. The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself
---
### Author:  [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2021, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/173 "2021-04-17T17:54:19Z")
Didja hear about the fight in the seafood restaurant?
There were battered fish _everywhere_!
Tripler
I had to say it for the halibut.
---
### Author:  [@bob\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bob_2)
#### Post date: [April 17, 2021, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/174 "2021-04-17T21:10:18Z")
# A newly married Dai goes to see the leader of his chapel.
“I’ve got a question for you,” he says. “We’ve been married a month now and as a good member of the chapel, I want the answer to a difficult question.”
“Oh yes Dai, what’s the problem?”
“Well, it’s like this… Is it all right to make love on a Sunday?”
The leader says that he would have to ask the bishop and promises an answer in a week.
“Well?” Dai says the following Saturday.
“The good news is that it’s okay, so long as you don’t enjoy it.”
---
### Author:  [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)
#### Post date: [April 18, 2021, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/175 "2021-04-18T02:51:56Z")
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. ~Stephen Wright
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. ~Jack Handey
Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise they won’t go to yours. ~Yogi Berra
Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain’t so; it is the sickening grammar that they use. ~Mark Twain
“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.” ~Rodney Dangerfield
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### Author:  [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)
#### Post date: [April 19, 2021, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/176 "2021-04-19T14:36:33Z")
### My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name…
So I called her Bluff…
* * *
### me: I’m going to build a time machine
**her** _**[eating the last donut]**_ **:** what you gonna use it for?
**me** _**[eating the last donut]**_ **:** righting wrongs
* * *
### My ex broke up with me because she said I was too old fashioned
I thought we had good alchemy
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### Author:  [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)
#### Post date: [April 20, 2021, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/177 "2021-04-20T19:29:38Z")
### This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?”
I said “Oh yeah of course. Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too.”
* * *
### I told my wife that I think all our electrical items are spying on us.
“Nonsense” she said.
I laughed. She laughed. Siri laughed. Alexa laughed. The toaster laughed.
* * *
### My momma said “Life is like a box of condoms…”
Runs out faster than you expect, and your mistakes will outlive you.
---
### Author:  [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2021, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/178 "2021-04-21T15:56:30Z")
### As a child I was made to walk the plank
We couldn’t afford a dog.
* * *
### Anyone wanna buy a DeLorean?
It has super low mileage - I only drive it from time to time!
* * *
### A man walked into a library and asked if they had any books on paranoia
So the librarian replied: “They’re right behind you.”
---
### Author:  [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2021, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/179 "2021-04-21T16:11:26Z")
I asked the librarian about a new book about living with a small penis.
She told me she didn’t think it was in yet. 😭
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### Author:  [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)
#### Post date: [April 22, 2021, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/180 "2021-04-22T12:56:13Z")
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi do.
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### Author:  [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)
#### Post date: [April 22, 2021, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/181 "2021-04-22T22:13:49Z")
You can walk barefoot on hot coals without burns because of the liedenfrost effect. If you do it in leather shorts, it’s the lederhosen effect.
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