# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 90
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2022, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1792 "2022-03-29T00:17:48Z")
Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Jimmy McMillan: The Rim is Too Damn High! ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2022, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1793 "2022-03-29T00:25:25Z")
> [@kwintenstraler](#): > > Optimist: The glass is half full. > > Pessimist: The glass is half empty. > > Engineer: The glass is twice as large as it should be No, no, no. The engineer says the glass has a safety factor of 1. > **[Forty-Second Beginning: Because I'm Tired of Hearing the Joke Told in a...](http://athousandbeginningsnano.blogspot.com/2013/12/because-im-tired-of-hearing-joke-told.html)** > > No, the Engineer does not see the glass as being twice as big as it needs to be.  The Manager might think that way, but the Engineer know... ---
**Author:** ![jaycat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaycat/32/3015_2.png) [@jaycat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jaycat)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2022, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1794 "2022-03-29T01:51:33Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > Optimist: The glass is half full. > > Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Either way, it’s half a glass of vodka. Cheers! ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2022, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1795 "2022-03-29T01:55:58Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > Last night I slept like a baby. > > _Yeah, I woke up every three hours crying hysterically._ Awesome! ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2022, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1796 "2022-03-29T01:57:23Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Are you two twins? > > No, why do you ask? > > Because Mommy dressed you both in the same clothes. > > OK, that’s enough, your driver’s license please. Love it! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2022, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1797 "2022-03-29T13:20:24Z")
### My biology teacher asked me to make a diagram of bacteria. When he questioned why I submitted a blank piece of paper, I told him : “it only appears blank because its invisible to the naked eye” * * * ### How do you tell the difference between a math teacher and an English teacher? Ask them to define “hyperbolic”. * * * ### Why couldn’t the teacher fart In front of her class? Because she was a private tutor ---
**Author:** ![Thing.Fish](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thing.fish/32/9168_2.png) [@Thing.Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thing.Fish)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2022, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1798 "2022-03-29T15:20:35Z")
Inspired by the above: **How do you tell the difference between a Chemistry professor and a Labor Studies professor?** Ask them to pronounce “unionized”. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2022, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1799 "2022-03-29T20:52:37Z")
My fitness instructor asked what kind of squat I was accustomed to doing. I told him, ‘Diddly.’ ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2022, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1800 "2022-03-29T22:18:41Z")
# Quotes of the Day Truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it. - Flannery O’Connor It’s easier to fool people than to convince them they’ve been fooled. - Mark Twain You started it. - Karma ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2022, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1801 "2022-03-30T14:23:56Z")
Played a Pro-Am round with Tiger Woods. He invited me to dinner afterwards. I accepted on one condition: I do the driving ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2022, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1802 "2022-03-30T15:51:07Z")
### It was our 25th wedding anniversary the other day and the wife said to me “Did you know i wore this on our first date and it still fits me”… I said “Its a scarf”… * * * ### The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out. * * * ### A manometer walks into a barometer… And the barometer says, “Sorry, we’re closed!” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2022, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1803 "2022-03-30T15:54:52Z")
# Quotes of the Day I am not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. - Steve Carrell Don’t take life too seriously. You’re not gonna get out of it alive. - Walt Kelly Brains are awesome. I wish everybody had one. - Spike Milligan ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2022, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1804 "2022-03-30T21:52:48Z")
> [@Thing.Fish](#): > > **How do you tell the difference between a Chemistry professor and a Labor Studies professor?** > > Ask them to pronounce “unionized”. Love it. You could also ask them what indefinite article goes with the word. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2022, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1805 "2022-03-31T15:41:22Z")
### Most people call it grave robbing… I prefer to call it crypto-currency * * * ### Every morning at breakfast for the past year 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t. It’s my longest running joke of the year. * * * ### Baseball is a lie! A man with four balls cannot walk. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2022, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1806 "2022-03-31T15:45:14Z")
# Quotes of the Day: Why can’t everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? - Jimmy Durante It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. - Thomas Sowell Life is hard. After all, it kills you. - Katherine Hepburn ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2022, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1807 "2022-03-31T16:54:23Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Why can’t everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? > > - Jimmy Durante Word ---
**Author:** ![Jim\_B](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jim_b/32/4338_2.png) [@Jim\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_B)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2022, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1808 "2022-03-31T17:31:41Z")
_(When I was a kid, we used to have gross out jokes. The point I think was to gross out the adults. I recall the following one hit that mark a couple of times 😉 .)_ Diarrhea! Poot! Poot! Diarrhea! Poot! Poot! You can eat it with a spoon. You can eat it on the Moon. Some people think it’s gross. You can eat it on toast. _(And when someone said something that wasn’t really funny [like the aforementioned 😉 ?], we kids would say…)_ So funny I forgot to laugh. 😉 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2022, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1809 "2022-03-31T19:24:18Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > Diarrhea! Poot! Poot! > Diarrhea! Poot! Poot! > > You can eat it with a spoon. You can eat it on the Moon. > Some people think it’s gross. You can eat it on toast. I believe it was Ed Bluestone in National Lampoon who wrote: There was an old lady from Cork Who liked to eat shit with a fork. Her son said, ‘You goon! You eat shit with a spoon! It’s pork that you eat with a fork!’ ---
**Author:** ![ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chockfullofheadygoodness/32/511_2.png) [@ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2022, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1810 "2022-03-31T19:48:36Z")
My childhood featured Diarrhea! No sweat, no pain Just sit, let it drain Diarrhea! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2022, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1811 "2022-04-01T12:06:57Z")
### Look! It’s Grandma! Have you ever thought about the fact that if self-driving cars become the norm when people have heart attacks it won’t cause accidents? Corpses will just arrive at their destinations and sit there until somebody notices. * * * ### I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person! All this time I thought he was just a theoretical physicist. * * * ### My mind is like an internet browser: 17 tabs are open, 4 are frozen, and I can’t figure out where the music is coming from. * * * ### Dialogue: Inventor of the Clock: There will be twelve numbers on it. Friend: Ah! So, the day will be divided in twelve segments. Inventor: No, 24. Friend: Oh. And the day starts at 1. Inventor: No, it starts at 12, which is at night. Friend: … Inventor: And the 6 stands for 30. * * * ### The fact that jellyfish have lived 750 million years despite having no brains gives hope to a great many people. * * * ### Brain cells die. Skin cells die. Even hair cells die. But Fat Cells must have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior because they seem to have eternal life. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=89) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=91)