# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 91
**Author:** ![Jim\_B](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jim_b/32/4338_2.png) [@Jim\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_B)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2022, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1812 "2022-04-01T14:48:26Z")
_In New York there’s a man robbed every three minutes._ And he’s getting sick of it! (Partly inspired by an old SNL skit. 😉 🙂 .) ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2022, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1813 "2022-04-01T17:49:50Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Look! It’s Grandma! > > Have you ever thought about the fact that if self-driving cars become the norm when people have heart attacks it won’t cause accidents? Corpses will just arrive at their destinations and sit there until somebody notices. Eventually, cars will be self-refueling. So cars with a dead occupant will just drive around for months or YEARS until the bank account runs out… ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2022, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1814 "2022-04-01T18:11:25Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Inventor of the Clock: There will be twelve numbers on it. > Friend: Ah! So, the day will be divided in twelve segments. > Inventor: No, 24. > Friend: Oh. And the day starts at 1. > Inventor: No, it starts at 12, which is at night. > Friend: … > Inventor: And the 6 stands for 30. It has three hands. The first hand is the hour hand, the second hand is the minute hand, and the third hand is the second hand. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2022, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1815 "2022-04-01T23:02:18Z")
# Quotes of the Day: I’m obsessively opposed to the typical. - Lady Gaga * * * When everything gets answered, it’s fake. - Sean Penn * * * We humans are naturally disposed to worship gods and heroes, to build our pantheons and valhallas. I would rather see that impulse directed into the adoration of daft singers, thicko footballers and air-headed screen actors than into the veneration of dogmatic zealots, fanatical preachers, militant politicians and rabid cultural commentators. - Stephen Fry ---
**Author:** ![KarlGauss](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karlgauss/32/3713_2.png) [@KarlGauss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGauss)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2022, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1816 "2022-04-02T00:18:06Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > When everything gets answered, it’s fake. > > - Sean Penn A theory that explains everything, explains nothing - Karl Popper ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2022, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1817 "2022-04-02T13:15:31Z")
### A man stopped at a bar. He saw an elderly man fishing in a small puddle in front. Interested, the man invited the elderly man into the bar and said, “Let me buy you a drink.” Inside he asked, “What were you doing out there?” “Fishing.” “How much did you catch?” “You are the seventh person.” * * * ### How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The sockets go with the house. * * * ### At the end of the physics lecture, I asked the professor: “What happened before The Big Bang?” He said, “Sorry. No Time.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2022, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1818 "2022-04-02T19:42:31Z")
# Quotes of the Day: Celebrity is the chastisement of merit and the punishment of talent. - Emily Dickinson * * * I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness. - Calvin (Bill Waterson) * * * To be is to do - Socrates To do is to be - Sartre Do Be Do Be Do - Sinatra - Kurt Vonnegut ---
**Author:** ![bob\_2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bob_2/32/3341_2.png) [@bob\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bob_2)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2022, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1819 "2022-04-02T22:02:06Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > (When I was a kid, we used to have gross out jokes. The point I think was to gross out the adults. I recall the following one hit that mark a couple of times 😉 .) “Mummy, Mummy. Can I have a straw?” “What for?” The dog was sick and I’ve eaten all the lumpy bits." “Mummy, Mummy,” Susan got run over by a steam roller." “Oh well, just slide her under the door.” ---
**Author:** ![billy-jack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@billy-jack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billy-jack)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2022, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1820 "2022-04-02T22:41:56Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > When I was a kid, we used to have gross out jokes. We did that, too. Some of them I still don’t understand to this day. What is funny is to hear a kid telling a joke that he obviously has no clue about what it means. Once when I was a second grader or so, I asked my school bus driver this riddle: What is six inches long, has nuts, and makes women fat? The school bus driver turned beet red and all the older kids on the bus were laughing hard. The answer: An Almond Joy ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2022, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1821 "2022-04-02T23:10:51Z")
Those are ancient. Here’s one supposed to be from the 10th century: What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before? Answer: A key ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2022, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1822 "2022-04-03T12:48:19Z")
### I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday. They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore. * * * ### Preacher Bob liked to coordinate his message with the choir every Sunday… They met one week and Preacher Bob said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of steadfastness in our service to God. What hymn should we sing?” Miss Bertha piped up, “I Shall Not Be Moved!” They met the next week and Preacher Bob said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of tithes and gladness in giving to the Lord. What hymn should we sing?” Quentin McFarland raised his hand and said, “Jesus Paid It All.” They met again a week after and Preacher Bob said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this week on the evils of fornication. What hymn should we sing?” Back in the back row, old Zachariah Peabody sighed fondly, “Precious Memories.” * * * ### For Palm Sunday Sister Agnes wanted to bring a lovely bouquet of anemones. However, the sanctuary was already decorated with palm branches. The pastor said, “With fronds like these, who needs anemones?” ---
**Author:** ![Ponderoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponderoid/32/19221_2.png) [@Ponderoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponderoid)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2022, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1823 "2022-04-03T16:45:48Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > The soldier breathes a heavy sigh and answers “Darling. My name is John Darling, sergeant major.” > > “Okay John, here’s what I need you to do…” When I was in the Army one of the privates in my company had a last name of “Love.” He was called “Private L.” > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Have you ever thought about the fact that if self-driving cars become the norm when people have heart attacks it won’t cause accidents? Corpses will just arrive at their destinations and sit there until somebody notices. This is almost certainly true. I read one article about a driver who (apparently) felt chest pains or something else wrong, pulled over to the side of the road, and died. Nobody checked on that car by the side of the highway for hours. From _A Prairie Home Companion_: > [@](#): > > The farmer had a champion bull, > Bred 200 times a year. > The farmer’s wife said, “200 times! > Isn’t that wonderful, dear? > Maybe you oughta watch him; > Maybe he’ll show you how.” > The farmer said, “He’s a heck of a bull, > But it wasn’t all with same cow!” How to avoid bad knock-knock jokes: > [@](#): > > “Knock knock.” > > “Uh…come in!” I once heard Spock actually make a joke once. He said, “Uranus is very gassy!” He really did too, in an audio play. Couldn’t find the entire thing but here’s part of it on youtube: [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/9uDwTr-Myik/hqdefault.jpg "Spock Vs Q Leonard Nimoy & John De Lancie") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uDwTr-Myik) ---
**Author:** ![Esturionette](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9d8465/32.png) [@Esturionette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esturionette)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2022, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1824 "2022-04-03T17:31:42Z")
I’m still impressed how well my mother explained a joke to me when i was little. The joke: Why is a blonde so quiet in bed? Because her mother taught her not to speak with her mouth full. My mum said it means the blonde is very naughty and eats snacks in bed, which made perfect sense to me at the time. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2022, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1825 "2022-04-03T20:11:34Z")
# Quotes of the Day: I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. - Mitch Hedberg A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. - Don Marquis People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. - A. A. Milne ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2022, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1826 "2022-04-03T21:25:08Z")
“Happy birthday, grandma! 69 today?” “No, not today. Grandpa threw his back out.” ---
**Author:** ![jaycat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaycat/32/3015_2.png) [@jaycat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jaycat)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2022, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1827 "2022-04-03T22:49:20Z")
A soldier, who was decorated for his war wounds, was going door-to-door to collect for veterans’ services. He rang the bell where two elderly sisters lived. One said to the other, “Sister, there’s a soldier here with a Purple Heart on.” The other replied, “I don’t care what color it is, let him in.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2022, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1828 "2022-04-04T15:58:53Z")
### To start a zoo, you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars. That’s the bear minimum. * * * ### People who can’t differentiate between … …entomology and etymology bug me in ways I cannot put into words. * * * ### How is Oedipus like Robin Hood? He’s the Prince of Thebes. ---
**Author:** ![Karen\_Lingel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karen_lingel/32/18649_2.png) [@Karen\_Lingel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karen_Lingel)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2022, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1829 "2022-04-04T17:24:43Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### People who can’t differentiate between … > > …entomology and etymology bug me in ways I cannot put into words. BRAVO! 🤣 ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2022, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1830 "2022-04-04T17:26:23Z")
Yeah, that one’s worth stealing. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2022, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/1831 "2022-04-04T21:55:45Z")
Thank you all! 😃 # Quotes of the Day: Movie acting suits me because I only need to be good for ninety seconds at a time. - Bill Murray * * * I’ve got to keep breathing. It’ll be my worst business mistake if I don’t. - Steve Martin * * * In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. - Rita Rudner [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=90) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=92)