# More wedding rudeness **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 15, 2008, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877 "2008-11-15T17:18:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/41 "2008-11-16T13:56:11Z")
> [@rocking\_chair](#): > > after reading the “poems”, i realized that having people just tuck money into a tree or well or whatever without knowing who gave it means… > > no thank you notes! No need. They’ll thank you telepathically! “Once we’ve replaced the old with the new, We can look back and say it was thanks to you!” ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/42 "2008-11-16T14:50:13Z")
Wait a minute! There are professional “cake cutters”!? Who don’t even provide the cake, just cut it!? They do this for weddings of other than those of quadriplegics? And it’s expensive? How expensive? I’ve never heard of this. ---
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/43 "2008-11-16T15:24:54Z")
> [@KarlGrenze](#): > > In regards to registries… wait, so nobody should even said where they are registered? Not giving a list of all the details, just a sentence saying “We’re registered at so and so.”. > > Just wondering, a few of my friends got married in school. I (and most of our group) had no contact whatsoever with the families of those getting married, we found out where they were registered because the brides to be told us. Correct- the information should never be included with the invitation itself (for either a wedding or a shower). Guests interested in shopping a registry should contact the wedding party or parents to get the info. ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/44 "2008-11-16T15:43:52Z")
Maybe it’s not “rude” but there should be a name for couples who invite people they barely know to their wedding. We’re invited to a neighbor’s wedding. We’ve never socialized. We’ve chatted in the driveway a few times, petted each other’s dogs, but that’s it. The only reason they’d want us at their wedding is as gift donors. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/45 "2008-11-16T16:03:29Z")
> [@AuntiePam](#): > > Maybe it’s not “rude” but there should be a name for couples who invite people they barely know to their wedding. We’re invited to a neighbor’s wedding. We’ve never socialized. We’ve chatted in the driveway a few times, petted each other’s dogs, but that’s it. The only reason they’d want us at their wedding is as gift donors. This is especially tacky when you watch the “professions and wealth” line being drawn. We’ve gotten a few invitations over the years where I’m certain the reason we were invited to weddings where we barely knew the bride or groom was because we were “well off” - other people in the same circle who knew them better but had less cash were not invited - “we had to draw the line somewhere or we’d have too many guests” and apparently that line was a six figure household income. I write a note - I don’t even go buy a card, I get out my stationary and write “Wishing you joy in your marriage.” - and return the RSVP card in the negative. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/46 "2008-11-16T16:12:19Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > This is especially tacky when you watch the “professions and wealth” line being drawn. We’ve gotten a few invitations over the years where I’m certain the reason we were invited to weddings where we barely knew the bride or groom was because we were “well off” - other people in the same circle who knew them better but had less cash were not invited - “we had to draw the line somewhere or we’d have too many guests” and apparently that line was a six figure household income. > > I write a note - I don’t even go buy a card, I get out my stationary and write “Wishing you joy in your marriage.” - and return the RSVP card in the negative. \*Our hearts soar, you have it all, Enjoy love’s bliss; dance & shout! Best Wishes for you at the Hall, Regrets; we cannot make it out. God We Trust will light your day, And fill your well without doubt. Cue our wish for fiscal strength, Behind GM’s for cash bail-out.\* ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/47 "2008-11-16T16:17:09Z")
**PunditLisa** , that’s not an invitation to attend a party – that’s an invitation to host a party. I think the socially correct response is to decline it as if it were a real invitation, by pleading vague “prior commitments.” ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/48 "2008-11-16T16:52:47Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > I was actually planning to donate to a charity before I read the “poem”. In fact, I did send a small donation to the Heifer Project, because that’s what I was planning to do. I just didn’t do it in their names or send a card. Fuck 'em. Oh, please do send a card. Here’s a poem to put in it: _Congratulations on the rites That will precede your night of nights (Let’s ditch this angle. TMI Won’t cause your joy to multiply). Thank you so much for asking us To see you off on the “Nuptial Bus.” Please pass along my compliments To all who’ve helped you to commence Your life together with this 'do, But I’m concerned. I worry you Are prompted by your wedding planners To, shall we say, neglect good manners. The card found in your invitation In lieu of a store registration Appeared to be solicitation For cash! Of course my consternation Has left me wondering what to do To help commemorate you two As you begin your wedded bliss And suddenly I thought of this: I’ll donate money in your name To the Heifer Project (in their game A bit of livestock for work or feed Will go to a family in dire need). I’ll do just this and then I’ll nevah Think of you as a rude Heffah!_ ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/49 "2008-11-16T17:00:10Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > A card with a heartfelt sentiment of congratulations is never inappropriate. I did send a card. I wasn’t sure if that was enough. I guess I did ok. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/50 "2008-11-16T17:22:19Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > Wait a minute! There are professional “cake cutters”!? Who don’t even provide the cake, just cut it!? > > They do this for weddings of other than those of quadriplegics? > > And it’s expensive? How expensive? I’ve never heard of this. Yeah. The charge varies by facility, but it’s there. You have to remember that some weddings involve hundreds of guests. The bride n’ groom cut the first slice, then the cake goes into the kitchen to be cut for the guests. Making sure there is enough competent help to cut and serve the cake for that number of guests quickly isn’t a small cost to the facility, so they pass it along to the [del]poor schnook paying the bill[/del] wedding party. To me, it’s one more example of the wedding racket. This goes hand-in-hand with only using “approved” vendors, which I assume means “those that will give us a kickback”. Robin ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/51 "2008-11-16T17:45:40Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > I actually did a little Googling and found out that 1) they didn’t even write that shitty poem, and 2) this is evidently a full-fledged fad. “Wishing well” my ass! Get a load of this charming… thing: > > More than just kisses so far we’ve shared, > Our home has been made with Love and Care, > Most things we need we’ve already got, > And in our home we can’t fit a lot! > A wishing well we thought would be great, > (But only if you wish to participate), > A gift of money is placed in the well, > Then make a wish … but shhh don’t tell! > Once we’ve replaced the old with the new, > We can look back and say it was thanks to you! > And in return for your kindness, we’re sure > That one day soon you will get what you wished for. > > Translation: We’ve been fucking a while and do not need a toaster. Or more like, “We’ve been fucking so long that all our stuff is starting to wear out, so we’re going to use your cash to maybe buy a new dishwasher, or possibly a new mattress. We’ll think of you fondly while doing dishes or fucking.” ---
**Author:** ![Caractacus\_Pott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@Caractacus\_Pott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caractacus_Pott)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/52 "2008-11-16T18:04:22Z")
**Zsofia** , I have to ask. Did this couple just arrive in Columbia last month from Rudesville? Where did they get the idea this is OK? What cheek. You remember that old southern saying, “Manners’ll get you what money can’t?”\* Apparently they didn’t. - It took a long time for Bill Gates to get into [Augusta National](http://www.golf.com/golf/courses_travel/coursefinder/course/0,28290,1402810,00.html) golf course. He was among Forbes wealthiest men in the world a number of years before they finally let him in. While he probably could have bought the place multiple times over, he was lacking in manners. Hence, he wasn’t “invited.” And that, \, is the rest of the story. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/53 "2008-11-16T18:13:57Z")
**kaylasdad** –that was hysterical! Well done. 😃 This is beyond rude and the saddest part about it is that they’re in their 60s and so should know better. I wouldn’t send or give them a dime. I’d either make a charitable donation in their name or not attend the wedding. If you don’t attend, no gift is “necessary” (no gift is ever necessary unless one is attending a shower). Miss Manners would have a field day with that poem–send it in to her. wishing wells used to be common at some of the weddings I went to waaaay back in the day (80s). I think they’re most common in a certain section of the middle class. Here in Chicago, they were common at Polish weddings of working class people (the 3 I went to anyway). But I don’t know if the well is a Polish custom (doubt it) or just a working class one. Anyone have any ideas? ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/54 "2008-11-16T18:25:47Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > Wait a minute! There are professional “cake cutters”!? Who don’t even provide the cake, just cut it!? > > They do this for weddings of other than those of quadriplegics? > > And it’s expensive? How expensive? I’ve never heard of this. No, they are not professional cake cutters; they are over worked waitstaff. The charge (I think I’ve $1.50 a slice) was originally imposed by places that would supply a cake on people who wanted a cake from some where else. Now, every places does it. If the bride groom want to cut the cake themselves (for an opportunity to speak to every guest), the locale will still tack on another $1.50 per guest. Some places charge extra to have photos taken. In defense of invitations out of nowhere: Some people invite people they don’t expect to come to be nice. They don’t expect great-aunts to attend or send more than a letter than congratulations. They think there is something a bit second-rate about a wedding announcement. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/55 "2008-11-16T18:43:06Z")
> [@j666](#): > > No, they are not professional cake cutters; they are over worked waitstaff. > > The charge (I think I’ve $1.50 a slice) was originally imposed by places that would supply a cake on people who wanted a cake from some where else. Now, every places does it. > > If the bride groom want to cut the cake themselves (for an opportunity to speak to every guest), the locale will still tack on another $1.50 per guest. > > Some places charge extra to have photos taken. No, that is simply not true. Yes, a LOT of shitty vendors do this – and there are a lot of shitty vendors – but it is simply untrue that every venue are a bunch of nickle & diming bastards. Of course, only the ones who are not deserve your business. The venue where I got married did not charge “cutting” “corkage” or any other bullshit fee – and I simply would not do business with anyone who did. The only place where I thought “corkage” was a little bit reasonable, was when the venue was, a vinyard, and they charged it only for outside wine, and not for outside champagne. As for the OP, well, clearly the message was crass, but I think its a bit much to have the equivalent of a storm-off (_I wouldn’t attend a wedding where people were so crass!_) unless you honestly don’t like the people, don’t have the time, or don’t think you’d have fun. In which case wouldn’t you have non-attended regardless of what the invite said? If it was a dear friend who had such terrible manners, you’d still go if you could, right? If not, honestly, I’d say you are the rude one, because putting breached social rules above a relationship is not gracious or good etiquette. That doesn’t mean you have to obey their dumb little rhyme - a gift is never mandatory at a wedding. It’s an invitation, not a subpoena. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/56 "2008-11-16T21:08:13Z")
> [@j666](#): > > In defense of invitations out of nowhere: Some people invite people they don’t expect to come to be nice. They don’t expect great-aunts to attend or send more than a letter than congratulations. They think there is something a bit second-rate about a wedding announcement. But when you aren’t inviting OTHER people who are closer to you - that smacks of opportunism. i.e. getting invited to the wedding of someone you used to work with and haven’t seen in a few years - only to discover that the former coworkers they still socialize with were not invited. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/57 "2008-11-16T23:43:13Z")
That poem needs to be sent to [Etiquette Hell](http://www.etiquettehell.com/). You’ll find lots of similar stories there. ---
**Author:** ![Lillith\_Fair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bb73d2/32.png) [@Lillith\_Fair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lillith_Fair)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/58 "2008-11-16T23:49:14Z")
When my in-laws were having their 50th anniversary 12 years ago I sent the invitations. I thought it was rude to mention presents at all, even if you don’t want them. I thought that is what Miss Manners said. So I didn’t mention it. Then the father-in-law called and he wanted me to send another announcement saying please do not send a present. I thought that was tacky but I did it. “Your gift is your presence–please join us in this celebration” etc. Okay, fast forward to the party. Most people brought cards–no gifts. A couple came in with a gift and my sister-in-law blurted out, “OH NO, YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO BRING A GIFT!!!” Geez. You just take the gift and say thank you, for god’s sake. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2008, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/59 "2008-11-17T00:12:36Z")
This is what I’d suggest the people in this thread give. [The New Book of Wedding Etiquette](http://www.buy.com/retail/product.asp?sku=30746475&listingid=125784&dcaid=17902) [Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette](http://www.crane.com/prdSell.aspx?name=QB103A_EmilyPostsWeddingEtiquette&sc=FROOGLE) Here’s something in the other direction if your really mean. [Wedding Etiquette Hell: The Bride’s Bible to Avoiding Everlasting Damnation](http://astore.amazon.com/etiquettehell05/detail/0312330235) ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Knig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@Typo\_Knig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Knig)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2008, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877/60 "2008-11-17T00:32:57Z")
> [@Scuba\_Ben](#): > > **PunditLisa** , that’s not an invitation to attend a party – that’s an invitation to host a party. > > I think the socially correct response is to decline it as if it were a real invitation, by pleading vague “prior commitments.” Less socially correct, but more amusing, was my grandfather’s declining an event because of “subsequent commitments”. 😃 (I’m so going to etiquette hell for enjoying that line. And using it now and again.) Asking for money like that is tacky! Good manners seem to be another casualty of the wedding-industrial complex. A much nicer thing IRL was the North Carolina couple who, in lieu of a party, took their wedding guest on a shopping spree - for the benefit of a local charity. Some of the guests made donations of their own on top of the wedding budget. The participants all had great fun on a day with extra happy memories. My google-fu is weak tonight, so not cite. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-wedding-rudeness/472877.md?page=4)