# Mortgage/Debt after breakup **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 17, 2010, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112 "2010-09-17T18:39:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![cstamets](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/958977/32.png) [@cstamets](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cstamets)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2010, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/21 "2010-09-19T15:41:56Z")
> [@Fat\_Chance](#): > > We agree on a total figure that she owes (for example the 20k above), she pays me something like $500 per month minimum for 2 years or something, with the balance due at that point. \*\* I agree to refinance at that point. She does a quit claim on the deed now, before starting payments. \*\* That gives me cash flow, and known payout, and she has no right to any value gain. It gives her living money that isn’t a burden and gives her 2 years to figure out how to come up with the balance (loan, borrow, save, etc). Something like that, with timing, total, and payment to be negotiated. In the end I still technically lose financially most likely, but at least it gives me a life, and lets her get on with hers. Once again I sacrifice, but at least I don’t get totally screwed. I’ve bolded the part that shows why she shouldn’t accept that. That would leave her on the hook for the entire mortgage for 2 years, assuming you do refinance it then, with no rights to the house. Not saying you would, but you could walk away from the house the minute after she signs that, and she’s still liable for the mortgage. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2010, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/22 "2010-09-19T19:59:58Z")
I think you should talk to a lawyer - your ex doesn’t seem to understand that she isn’t legally free and clear, and she won’t be until your house and mortgage is settled. ---
**Author:** ![Fat\_Chance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8baadc/32.png) [@Fat\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fat_Chance)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2010, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/23 "2010-09-19T21:06:54Z")
> [@cstamets](#): > > > [@Fat\_Chance](#): > > > > We agree on a total figure that she owes (for example the 20k above), she pays me something like $500 per month minimum for 2 years or something, with the balance due at that point. \*\* I agree to refinance at that point. She does a quit claim on the deed now, before starting payments. \*\* That gives me cash flow, and known payout, and she has no right to any value gain. It gives her living money that isn’t a burden and gives her 2 years to figure out how to come up with the balance (loan, borrow, save, etc). Something like that, with timing, total, and payment to be negotiated. In the end I still technically lose financially most likely, but at least it gives me a life, and lets her get on with hers. Once again I sacrifice, but at least I don’t get totally screwed. > > I’ve bolded the part that shows why she shouldn’t accept that. > > That would leave her on the hook for the entire mortgage for 2 years, assuming you do refinance it then, with no rights to the house. Not saying you would, but you could walk away from the house the minute after she signs that, and she’s still liable for the mortgage. You’re right. So she stays on the deed also, I can agree to that. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2010, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/24 "2010-09-20T21:51:42Z")
> [@Fat\_Chance](#): > > Another thought, if anyone knows the answer to this in a general legal sense: > > If we sold with a loss could I legally take credit for my contribution to the down payment against that gap? What about capital improvements (siding, furnaces, roofing, etc that I paid for soley)? > > For example: > > Down payment 20K (my money) > Loss at sale 40K = 20K each owner share > My down payment covers my portion of the loss, she is on the hook for the entire 40K, so I just walk away with nothing lost, nothing gained? I can’t speak to the law part of this, but the math is wrong. If you put $20K down, and now you guys are $40K in the whole, that means that the total loss on the house is $60K. Your half of that loss is $30K, so you still would be on the hook for another $10K if you count your original down payment. If you did it your way, you’d lose $20K (your original down payment), and she’d lose $40K (the loss at sale). Not an equitable split. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2010, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/25 "2010-09-20T23:03:23Z")
Is it really such a terrible idea to get a roommate? If you have more than 1 bathroom, you wouldn’t even have to share a bathroom. Do a month-to-month lease so if you don’t like them you can kick 'em out in short order. There are a lot of people out there; interview a bunch of them at a coffee shop and find one who is quiet and won’t bug you. Seems to be the best way to recoup your money. Take a trip and clear your head for a week, but don’t scrimp for years to pay your mortgage. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2010, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/26 "2010-09-20T23:24:10Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Is it really such a terrible idea to get a roommate? If you have more than 1 bathroom, you wouldn’t even have to share a bathroom. Do a month-to-month lease so if you don’t like them you can kick 'em out in short order. There are a lot of people out there; interview a bunch of them at a coffee shop and find one who is quiet and won’t bug you. > > Seems to be the best way to recoup your money. Take a trip and clear your head for a week, but don’t scrimp for years to pay your mortgage. This. I have a roommate who is a nurse and we damn near never see each other. Seriously, we see each other maybe twice a week. She’s quiet, pays her rent early, is clean, and puts the trash out for me when I’m out of town :). Look for professionals like traveling nurses or even regular nurses-- you’ll barely ever see each other. Hell, a lot of traveling nurses are paid by their employers to maintain two homes, so they rent rooms when they are away from their actual home. All they do is sleep there, then get up and leave back home. Plus, not only does her rent go toward the mortgage, but I set aside $100 of it to go toward utilities, so that helps too. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2010, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/27 "2010-09-21T00:20:49Z")
I’m seconding **Diosa** ’s nurse roommate suggestion. One of my old roommates was a nurse and was great. She was a packrat and a crazy slob (the thermostat for our apartment was in her room, inexplicably so I occasionally went in there and she had a tiny trail to her bed and the thermostat.) Still, the communal areas were immaculate and we enjoyed the rare times we saw each other. Also, we each had a bathroom, which I think eases the tension in any situation. ---
**Author:** ![Fat\_Chance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8baadc/32.png) [@Fat\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fat_Chance)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2010, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/28 "2010-09-21T20:27:10Z")
I really don’t think a roommate would work. I live in the suburbs, not in a major city, so the number of people that are looking for simple room to rent in a house out here has got to be tiny. And in order to find one it would be have to be so cheap that it wouldn’t help me much. Further, I really feel that after a 10 year relationship, 9 years living together, I truly need to live by myself, figure myself out for a bit. Even if that means being a slob and listening to bob dylan until 6am. Many such things that would likely irritate a roommate. Basically, I want to see what living without having to even think about affecting someone else living with me is like. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/29 "2010-09-22T02:01:21Z")
You never know - in this economy, good people are looking for a place to stay. If there’s any sort of small school in the area (community college, pharmacy training program, nursing training program, etc) they too need cheap housing. Hell, I know a lot of people who don’t mind lots of Bob Dylan. If you get the parents to co-sign, you’re pretty much guaranteed a solid income. I was just saying that dealing with the sale of a house and the huge debt is a much bigger undertaking, one that will cost you years to sort out (even if you pay it off in the short term you’re losing lots of $ that could have gone into savings). Getting a quiet roommate (or 2, if the space allows) would just be someone to pay the bills, not someone who would interfere with your “alone” time. Either way, good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/30 "2010-09-22T03:12:31Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > I was just saying that dealing with the sale of a house and the huge debt is a much bigger undertaking, one that will cost you years to sort out (even if you pay it off in the short term you’re losing lots of $ that could have gone into savings). I want to reiterate here that you really, really need to investigate the short sale option in a serious way. Banks are far more willing than they used to be to accept short sales, and a competent real estate agent who has done his or her share of such sales can help you navigate those waters. I thought I’d already posted in this thread, but I guess not. I went through a very similar situation. The marriage collapsed only five months after we’d bought the house. I moved out while she stayed there, and I contributed to the mortgage for a while. She was able to land a roommate for a while, but eventually, the situation was too much, and she wanted to sale. I could go back and look at specifics if you’re interested, but the entire process took approximately three months. Other than some minor repair and inspection expenses, it didn’t cost us any money. Wells Fargo agreed to the short sale almost immediately because divorce is something they consider an acceptable reason for short sale (the risk of the parties being unable to afford the payments is really high with a divorce). We had not missed a payment prior to going into the short sale, so it’s not like we looked like a bad risk for any other reason. The sale closed 14 months after the purchase. Obviously, I can’t _guarantee_ you success, but I would hate for you to not fully consider it because it could prove to be the least costly and least inconvenient option for you. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/31 "2010-09-22T04:54:05Z")
That’s good advice, **Asimovian**. I still think his first step is talking to a lawyer, and giving his ex the wake-up call she needs. Look at it this way, **Fat Chance** - you’d actually be doing her a favour by forcing her to face up to this, because with her name on the mortgage, it could come back to bite her in the ass at any time in the future. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/32 "2010-09-22T12:36:03Z")
The OPer needs to consult an attorney, for no other reason than he’s the only one with a vested interest in the house. She has no assets to go after. That leaves the OPer. There’s no way any bank, or her mother, would lend her money to “buy out” her half of a soon-to-be unsecured debt. Why would they? The only possible solution I can envision is to agree to a short sale and then sue her for half of the downpayment. Good luck getting blood from a turnip, though. ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/33 "2010-09-22T16:23:46Z")
My 2 cents: -No, you can’t count the down payment as “yours”. -No, you can’t count capital improvements as “yours”. -If you both move out and move on with your lives you simply split the variance owed after a short sale. -If the variance is $40K and you each are on the hook for $20K then it’s up to you as individuals to find the money. If you have enough to pay yours in full do so. If she doesn’t then she needs to borrow it from someone or finance it in some way. Payments will not be made to you but whomever she borrowed the money from. Her half gets paid in full the same time yours does. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/34 "2010-09-22T17:08:39Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > I want to reiterate here that you really, really need to investigate the short sale option in a serious way. Banks are far more willing than they used to be to accept short sales, and a competent real estate agent who has done his or her share of such sales can help you navigate those waters. I’m with mr. cutie-patootie here. This is excellent advice. You have nothing to lose by checking out the possibility of a short sale. ---
**Author:** ![Fat\_Chance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8baadc/32.png) [@Fat\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fat_Chance)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/35 "2010-09-22T17:56:50Z")
> [@Hampshire](#): > > My 2 cents: > > -No, you can’t count the down payment as “yours”. > -No, you can’t count capital improvements as “yours”. > -If you both move out and move on with your lives you simply split the variance owed after a short sale. > -If the variance is $40K and you each are on the hook for $20K then it’s up to you as individuals to find the money. If you have enough to pay yours in full do so. If she doesn’t then she needs to borrow it from someone or finance it in some way. > Payments will not be made to you but whomever she borrowed the money from. > Her half gets paid in full the same time yours does. Are you talking your legal opinion or your ethical/moral opinion? For a purely fairness/ethical perspective: Why should I not get an credit for the money I’ve already put down (ignoring capital improvements, anyway). The reason the variance is 40K instead of 60K is because of the 20K that I already spent. If you split the variance I end up paying 40K to live in the house, while she paid 20K. How is that fair? My math was indeed off a bit up there, but I don’t see getting no credit for the down payment. ---
**Author:** ![Fat\_Chance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8baadc/32.png) [@Fat\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fat_Chance)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/36 "2010-09-22T17:59:18Z")
> [@NinetyWt](#): > > > [@Asimovian](#): > > > > I want to reiterate here that you really, really need to investigate the short sale option in a serious way. Banks are far more willing than they used to be to accept short sales, and a competent real estate agent who has done his or her share of such sales can help you navigate those waters. > > I’m with mr. cutie-patootie here. This is excellent advice. You have nothing to lose by checking out the possibility of a short sale. You are right there is nothing to lose in checking it out. But I do lose the house if I sell it. I’m not so sure I want to do that just yet. ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/37 "2010-09-22T18:09:04Z")
> [@Fat\_Chance](#): > > Why should I not get an credit for the money I’ve already put down (ignoring capital improvements, anyway). The reason the variance is 40K instead of 60K is because of the 20K that I already spent. If you split the variance I end up paying 40K to live in the house, while she paid 20K. How is that fair? Fairness/ethical wise you should get credit for the $20K you put down. Legal wise I don’t think they would take it into account unless it was strictly implied at the time of purchase. The house was purchased jointly, they don’t care where or who was making the down payment or any subsequent payments. Any payment made on this “joint” purchase would relieve both your debts 50/50. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/38 "2010-09-22T20:14:19Z")
> [@NinetyWt](#): > > > [@Asimovian](#): > > > > I want to reiterate here that you really, really need to investigate the short sale option in a serious way. Banks are far more willing than they used to be to accept short sales, and a competent real estate agent who has done his or her share of such sales can help you navigate those waters. > > I’m with mr. cutie-patootie here. This is excellent advice. You have nothing to lose by checking out the possibility of a short sale. Good one. A short sale will wreck your credit. In some places, it’s every bit as bad as a foreclosure in that regard. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/39 "2010-09-22T20:28:21Z")
> [@Fat\_Chance](#): > > You are right there is nothing to lose in checking it out. But I do lose the house if I sell it. I’m not so sure I want to do that just yet. So wait, you 1) don’t want a rooommate 2) don’t want to sell 3) admitted you’ll be strapped for cash if you stay put and 4) if you do sell, you want her to give you back the down payment essentially. Would you like the moon as well? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112/40 "2010-09-22T20:32:31Z")
In my inexpert opinion, I also think the down payment is counted as joint funds, not your particular money, the same way your salaries and debts incurred while a couple are considered to be joint finances. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mortgage-debt-after-breakup/554112.md?page=3)