They are. Foul-tempered little fuzzy bastards.
Hey! That is what I was going to suggest. In the same vein, how about ticks? They get so cute and plump after you have had them for awhile.
I hear they sometimes try to pick up girls and get called an asshole.
Thanks but no. I have two cats, so I know what’s involved. Less maintenance than dogs, certainly, but more maintenance than the slacker ideal.
Right now, I’m leaning toward a spider. Not a tarantula, but a web spinner that will catch its own food. And you don’t even have to buy one – at some point one will appear in a corner or a window, and you can slap a name on it and it’s your pet.
I got another suggestion at lunch which is intriguing – a barnacle. I dunno - do you need a ship and a sea to maintain one?
I’ve decided to make this chapter in the form of a list, with pluses and minuses for each pet.
Aren’t they always? Hence the old saying…
Sure, they’re happy on the outside, but inside…
I am a slacker, and FWIW, I have sometimes had to watch our family’s sleepy 15yo cat for upwards of 20 seconds to make sure she had not shuffled off her mortal coil and joined the kitty choir invisibule.
OTOH, when it’s time for a new can of gooshyfood, meow? Meow? MEOW?
That was exactly my point.
If you’re asking seriously, then a true slacker shouldn’t have a pet at all. If you’re looking for a joke, then yeah an incidental spider is probably the best idea. But a captive spider is not zero maintenance; I’ve had several different kinds, and looked into what would be involved in keeping an orb-weaving spider (impractical) and a diving-bell spider (impractical). I’ve had tarantulas and trap-door spiders, but even those if you keep them in an enclosure you need to go get them crickets.
I think you should take the age old example of the slacker tenement dweller who comes to consider his cockroaches as pets; it’s something of a cliche, but there it is. Or an incidental mouse or rat. Stick to urban wildlife.
What’s not immediately apparent from the accompanying photo is that Surinam “toads”–they’re not really toads but frogs–are exclusively aquatic: you need to maintain a healthy aquarium for them.
A Persian cat of a certain age–older than 3 years. Indistinguishable from a stuffed cat. Except it will plant itself in your favorite chair.
A mystery bookstore I frequent has one of these. After about 40 visits and a book signing I realized it was alive. Apparently, once the bookstores closes, it (well, actually she) gets up and goes to look for food, finds some, and then goes back to sleep.
I had a roommate who had a black long-haired cat–not a Person, but very long hair–and he was about the same. Not much movement.
As somebody said, cats are pretty low-maintenance. They even housebreak themselves, all you have to do is give them a litterbox and then change/scoop it. However, right now I have lively short-haired cats. They still sleep a lot, but not like a Persian.
I also have an aquarium that has four glass ghost catfish (you can see through them) and six neon tetras. Most days, I turn on the light and dump some food in. About once a week I add another gallon of water. Every now and then I use a syphon and vacuum stuff off the bottom, and then add more water. Very low-maintenance, as I also have a bunch of plants.
Bonus: Unless they are feeding, the glass catfish stay in one place. They each have their favorite spot, and they stay there, as long as the light is on, except for when I sprinkle in their food, or if I peer in at them for too long–then they hide.
(I’m not sure they like me. But I’ve had them for years.)
About once a year I have to change the light bulb, even though it hasn’t burned out, or the plants will get all stringy. Finding the proper light bulb is a real hassle, but it’s only once a year.
Worst pets for slacker: Birds. They seem to need a lot of fussing with and attention.
Worst pet for a slacker? A puppy. Sure, it could grow into a fat, lazy dog who’s content to lay at your feet all day, but why take that chance? During the puppy phase, you’re on piddle patrol ALL. DAY. LONG. And puppies require constant attention and looking after so they don’t destroy all your shoes or hurt themselves. Plus they’re so damn cute you just can’t ignore them. It’s exhausting.
Stick insects.
I’d suggest a bearded dragon lizard. Ours is such a slacker that you can leave the cage door wide open and nothing happens. He just sits there on the log slacking away. I have watched him for a while to make sure he wasn’t dead. Eventually, he’ll decide he’s too cold and walk over to the heat lamp on the other side of the cage. Then he flops back down again.
A true slacker who does not have a job during the day may notice that he is a bit more active in the middle of the day, but not much.
True. Saturday was Bath Day, I set up the shower perch and the atomizer and sprayed down all three featherheads. Yesterday was Cage Cleaning Day. Tonight I’ve been whistling and saying “Pretty bird, pri-e-bird” to Cosmo to keep him sufficiently entertained enough that he won’t pull out hairs on my arm to get attention. Buddie is nesting right now and drumming on the wooden dresser beside her with her beak, and Scritch the budgie is just hanging out casually, but she will be right in my plate if I try to snack in the bird room. They’re a chore.
Trumped! I lost 18 pounds when we adopted Simone at six months. She’s three years old now, and we just got back from the dog park an hour ago. She’s slowed down a little but she still runs like a champ when she feels like it.