# Most offensive jokes you ever heard. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 31, 2000, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923 "2000-12-31T19:15:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Anachronism](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e56c9b/32.png) [@Anachronism](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anachronism)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/1 "2000-12-31T19:15:56Z")
I started this thread because someone in GQ asked [What’s the word for people with no limbs?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=53262) and you can figure out the rest. If you are going to be offended please do not read any farther. > [@](#): > > Once you give up your decency to get a cheap laugh, you’ll soon be asking (shudder!): > 1.What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? > 2.How is a black man like an apple? > 3.How many Jews can you fit into a VW Beetle? 1. Nothing, she didn’t listen the first two times (you told her). 2. ??? 3. 100 - 2 in the front, 2 in the back, and 96 in the ash-tray. I seriously feel like the biggest ass every time I hear #3 because I Laugh at it. ---
**Author:** ![SpartanDC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b2d939/32.png) [@SpartanDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpartanDC)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/2 "2000-12-31T19:27:50Z")
Q: What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza? A: A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven. I felt my blood turning into some greasy black substance the instant I heard this “joke.” Oddly, the guy who told it from me heard it from his Jewish friend. ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/3 "2000-12-31T19:42:59Z")
Not a joke as such, but I was amused/shocked into laughter (I don’t know what verb really) when I visited Dachau and found that the gas showers were “closed for maintenance.” As far as I know, they never were used in Dachau, but it left me wondering what future plans rendered maintenance necessary. What’s black and white and screams as it goes round? A nun on a spit. ---
**Author:** ![Garfield226](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Garfield226](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Garfield226)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/4 "2000-12-31T19:44:44Z")
[http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=32833](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=32833) ---
**Author:** ![The\_Great\_Philosopher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3ec8ea/32.png) [@The\_Great\_Philosopher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Great_Philosopher)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/5 "2000-12-31T20:32:12Z")
I’ve got a joke for you all. Not racist, not sexist, not ageist. It’s a bit mean, but nothing all celebrities (especially this one :D) get all the time. (Just to fill those of you in the states/anywhere else in; David Beckam is a good, though overrated IMO, footballer who is considered not very bright and is married to Victoria Beckam, Scary Spice of the Spice Girls.) A taxi driver is waiting at the airport, as he always does, to take people home after they return from their holidays. Suddenly two people walk up to him and get in, and as they say where to take them, he accepts then says ‘Hey, you’re David Beckam ain’t you? Where you just been?’. David replies that he and his wife have been in New York. ‘Oh. See any good resteraunts there?’ says the driver. David suddenly looks as though he’s attempting bring something back from his memory he should remember. ‘Ohh…what was it? Hmm…uh…what’s a London train station?’ he queries of the driver, who looks puzzled. ‘Piccadilli? Northern?’ he says, but David shakes his head after these and other attempts as well. Finally, the driver says ‘Victoria?’ and David blurts; ‘Yes! That was it!’ then, turning to his wife, says, ‘Victoria! What was the name of that resteraunt?’ 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/6 "2000-12-31T20:36:48Z")
Not the most offensive I’ve heard, but this one pisses people off and made me laugh the first time I heard it: How many militant feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to change the bulb and the other to SUCK MY DICK. ---
**Author:** ![Nacho4Sara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Nacho4Sara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nacho4Sara)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/7 "2000-12-31T21:20:08Z")
It’s career day at an elementary school, and there’s a Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Catholic Priest on stage talking to the kids in the auditorium. Well, all of a sudden the whole thing bursts into flames, and the Doctor, the Lawyer, and the Priest run for the back stage door. They get out safely and run from the building, but the Doctor makes them stop. They can hear screaming kids burning up, trappe inside. So the doctor says, “We have to go in and save the children!” The lawyer goes, “Fuck the children!” And the priest asks, “Do we have time?” 😛 I know another one, but it is so rascist and I would hate myself for repeating it. ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/8 "2000-12-31T21:54:02Z")
So there’s these two bums walking down the street, and they find a small pair of underwear. The first bum sniffs the undies, and says “Ahhh. It’s a fresh 8-year-old boy.” The second bum grabs the undies, gives them a sniff, and says “Ahhh, no, that’s definitely an 8-year-old girl.” “No way,” says the first bum. “It’s definitely an 8-year-old boy.” “It’s a girl!” Insists the second bum. “A boy!” Insists the first bum. Along comes a priest, walking down the lane, and the two bums decide to ask him to settle the matter. The priest takes a sniff of the undies, and says “An 8-year-old boy, but not from my parish…” HAW-HAW! And now, for the most offensive joke of all time: What’s pink, bubbly and claws at the glass? _A baby in a microwave._ That horrid joke recently dethroned the prior MOJAT, which was: How is a truckload of bowling balls different from a truckload of dead babies. _You can’t unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitch-fork._ _blorp!-swallow._ Excuse my while I go get sick. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Great\_Philosopher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3ec8ea/32.png) [@The\_Great\_Philosopher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Great_Philosopher)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/9 "2000-12-31T22:05:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lexicon \* > **What’s pink, bubbly and claws at the glass? > _A baby in a microwave._** that is going to give me nightmares for weeks… ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/10 "2000-12-31T22:12:10Z")
What’s black, white and red, and can’t fit through a door? A nun with a spear through her head! How do you fix a broken dishwasher? Smack the bitch! ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/11 "2000-12-31T22:13:13Z")
My favorite offensive joke I got from somewhere on this very board. So don’t blame me: What’s the best thing about getting a blowjob from an Ethiopian? You know she’ll swallow. ---
**Author:** ![Nacho4Sara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Nacho4Sara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nacho4Sara)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/12 "2000-12-31T22:13:36Z")
> [@](#): > > How do you fix a broken dishwasher? > > Smack the bitch! ROTFLMAOAPIMP! :p:)😛 ---
**Author:** ![Silo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Silo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silo)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/13 "2000-12-31T22:23:41Z")
Here’s a bad one (of course where I live I here this stuff all the time): How long does it take a black women to take a sh\*t? 9 Months. ---
**Author:** ![Silo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Silo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silo)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/14 "2000-12-31T22:25:49Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Silo \* > (of course where I live I here this stuff all the time_\* Erm! make here = hear. Doh! ---
**Author:** ![Wozzo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@Wozzo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wozzo)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/15 "2000-12-31T23:53:50Z")
Bumper sticker: Nuke the Unborn Gay Whales How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? - None; let the bitch cook in the dark. ---
**Author:** ![Chickenhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7cd45c/32.png) [@Chickenhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chickenhead)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2001, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/16 "2001-01-01T00:05:20Z")
Something is red and slimy and crawling up that girl’s leg. What is it? An abortion with homesickness. here is a good site for some of the most tasteless jokes ever [http://www.deathsucks.com](http://www.deathsucks.com) ---
**Author:** ![Kaz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaz)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2001, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/17 "2001-01-01T00:51:43Z")
Man, I feel so bad when I hear these jokes, and I hate myself for laughing at them. But I have some also: There are two Mexicans in a car, Juan and Migel. Who is driving? A police officer. How do you get a baby to stop crying? Throw an axe at it’s head. What does a black man do when he falls out of an airplane? Open his mouth. (Big lips act as parachute…) From the link that **Garfield226** provided: > [@](#): > > _Origionally posted by SPOOFE Bo Diddly_ > \*\*What’s better than winning the wheelchair olympics? > > Being able to walk. \*\* > [@](#): > > - Origionally posted by NothingMan\* > \*\*Whats better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics ? > > Not being retarded. \*\* If I think of more, I’ll post 'em, as I slap myself for remembering them… ---
**Author:** ![Space\_Vampire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Space\_Vampire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Space_Vampire)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2001, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/18 "2001-01-01T00:57:03Z")
Another dead baby joke… Q: What do you get when you stab a baby with a knife? A: An erection. I almost got fired for telling this joke… To one person, after a lot of prodding and a disclaimer, and despite the fact that my co-workers told racist and sexist jokes all the time. Personally, I think “dead babies” is such an over the top awful joke subject that it can’t really be taken seriously, unless maybe told in the company of someone who lost a child. ---
**Author:** ![Ivy\_Kitti](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e47774/32.png) [@Ivy\_Kitti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ivy_Kitti)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2001, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/19 "2001-01-01T01:20:40Z")
One day, a small mouse was strolling through the jungle, when he heard the frantic cries of an elephant struggling in the bush. Being the type of mouse he was, he said, “What seems to be the trouble?” The elephant replied, “I have a vine wrapped around my leg and I can’t get loose. I’ve been here for hours and I’ll do anything for you if you help me.” “Would you let me have sex with you?” “Yes, yes, just get me out.” So the mouse chewed through the vine and freed the elephant. Since she always held to an agreement, she let the mouse climb up her leg and do his thing. Above them, there was a monkey plucking coconuts from the tree. When he noticed what was going on below, he dropped a nut on the elephant’s head and she let out a painful squeal. The mouse stopped momentarily and said, “I’m sorry, darlin’. Did I hurt you?” ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2001, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/20 "2001-01-01T01:34:21Z")
Oh Gods, bless you all for sharing these jokes, I laughed, I groaned, I hated myself. . . .and then I laughed some more. Two nuns walking through the park. Two men jump out, grab them both, drag them into the bushes, ripped off the nuns habits and begin to rape them. “Oh, Father”, yells the first nun, “forgive him, he knows not what he does!” The second nun yells “Mine does!!” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923.md?page=2)