# Most offensive jokes you ever heard. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 31, 2000, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923 "2000-12-31T19:15:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Simetra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Simetra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simetra)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2001, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/41 "2001-01-01T23:30:31Z")
Well, since I’m already going to hell… What’s the best thing about sex with an 8 year old girl? Hearing her pelvis crack. What’s the second best thing? Flipping her over and pretending she’s an 8 year old boy. What’s the worst thing? Getting the blood out of your clown suit. ((Jokes originally told to me by my ex-wife… sick sick sick)) ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/42 "2001-01-02T00:13:29Z")
Okay, okay, okay, I have some more! What’s long, black and smelly? _The unemployment line_ What’s long and hard on a (black/mexican/whatever) man? _Second grade_ Why is there not a french version of Uno? _Because there’s no way to surrender_ How do you get a wetback out of your tree? _Cut the rope._ This guy runs home and bursts in yelling “Pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery!” She says, “Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?” He replies, “I don’t care…just get the fuck out!” What’s the best thing about fucking an 8-year-old girl? _You turn her over and she’s an 8-year-old boy._ What’s the hardest thing about eating bald pussy? _Getting the diaper back on._ How do stop a faggot from drowning? _Take your boot off his head._ Why don’t blacks and mexicans mate? _Because the kids would be too lazy to steal cars_ What do you call one white man with one black man? _The victim._ What do you call one white man with two black men? _Referree._ What do you call one white man with ten black men? _Quarterback._ What do you call one black man in suit and tie? _The defendant._ How do you stop ten black guys from raping a white girl? _Throw them a basketaball._ Why do asians have squinty eyes? _From trying to find their dicks_ What’s a shitty way to spend easter? \ How many times does a skinhead laugh at a joke? _Three … once when he hears it, once when it’s explained to him, and once when he gets it._ Why does OJ want to move to West Virginia? _Because everyone there has the same DNA._ There’s a rabbit and a skunk hanging out in woods. The rabbit says, “You know, I don’t know what I am.” “That’s easy,” the skunk replies. “You’re white, you have long ears and puffy tail, a pink nose and you hop. You’re a bunny rabbit.” The next day, the skunk says, “You know, you got me to thinking, and I don’t know what I am either.” The rabbit replies, “That’s easy. You’re half white, you’re half black, and you stink… you’re Puerto Rican.” A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, “You must be single.” The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, “That’s right. How on Earth did you know?” He replies, “Because you’re ugly.” And the grand finale: What do you say to a woman who is arguing with you? _Shutup, bitch, if I wanted you to open your mouth, I would have told you to suck my dick._ ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/43 "2001-01-02T00:30:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by nothamlet \* > \*\*If a man is standing in the middle of a forest with no women around for miles is everything he says still wrong? \*\* I heard that as: If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still lying? My contribution: What’s the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scotsman? The Rolling Stones say, “Hey, You, get off of my cloud.” And a Scotsman says, “Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!” ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/44 "2001-01-02T00:48:09Z")
Why should you wrap your hamster with duct tape? So it won’t explode when you fuck it. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/45 "2001-01-02T00:51:57Z")
Why do the Irish wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away. ---
**Author:** ![Kaz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaz)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/46 "2001-01-02T02:23:25Z")
OMG **Lexicon** , I was laughing _soooo_ hard at those jokes, espically the last two. Man, this is horrible, I almost can’t take it. Don’t stop! I dread coming to this thread, but I can’t stop! ---
**Author:** ![JamesCarroll](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@JamesCarroll](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JamesCarroll)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/47 "2001-01-02T02:46:09Z")
[sup][sub]For cops during interrogation:[/sub][/sup] What do Latinos and pool balls have in common? The harder you hit’em the better their English. What has two legs and bleeds? Half a cat. ---
**Author:** ![JamesCarroll](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@JamesCarroll](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JamesCarroll)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/48 "2001-01-02T02:47:54Z")
If they’re water skiing: Skip ---
**Author:** ![socpro69](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@socpro69](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/socpro69)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/49 "2001-01-02T03:05:51Z")
A pedophile is taking a child into woods one day. The boy begins to wimper as the darkness of twilight descends and the forest thickens. The wimpers turn to sobs as encroachment of the canopy nears its completion as the noises of the night begin. Before long the boy is in hysterics. The pedophile turns and says “I don’t know why you’re crying. I’m the one who has to walk out alone.” ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/50 "2001-01-02T03:14:53Z")
Sigh, ok… What do you get when you combine 6 Mexicans, a Chinaman and 7 Black people? A sprinkler system! Spick-spick-spick-spick-spick-spick CHINK niggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggernigger ---
**Author:** ![Kaz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaz)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/51 "2001-01-02T03:15:14Z")
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. ---
**Author:** ![Natural-J-Bankie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/59ef9b/32.png) [@Natural-J-Bankie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Natural-J-Bankie)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/52 "2001-01-02T03:33:12Z")
What’s the difference between a black man and a bucket of shit? The bucket. ---
**Author:** ![Azargoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/aeb1de/32.png) [@Azargoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Azargoth)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/53 "2001-01-02T04:11:17Z")
Q: How do you make a dead baby float A: Two scoops of ice cream and a dead baby Q: What’s the hardest part about eating vegetables A: Moving the wheelchair Q: What’s the newest pick-up line at the gay bar A: Can I push in your stool Q: How did they implement birth control in West Virginia A: They banned family reunions ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/54 "2001-01-02T05:40:00Z")
Okay, one more: This guy is walking up to his house and he meets his girlfriend at the door. She’s got her suitcase packed and she’s leaving. “Hey, wher’re you going?” he asks. “Fuck off, you asshole, I’m leaving you!” she screams at him. “Whoa, whoa, what happened?” he asks, puzzled. “My friend told me you’re a pedophile!” she says as she walks out the door. “Pedophile, eh?” the guy says. “That’s a pretty big word for a 9-year-old.” ---
**Author:** ![Badtz\_Maru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e36b37/32.png) [@Badtz\_Maru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Badtz_Maru)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 9:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/55 "2001-01-02T09:01:26Z")
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an octopus? I don’t know either, but it sure can pick lettuce! ---
**Author:** ![Fugazi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f08c70/32.png) [@Fugazi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fugazi)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 10:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/56 "2001-01-02T10:32:44Z")
What’s the definition of a women? Life support system for a pussy. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/57 "2001-01-02T12:23:56Z")
> [@](#): > > What’s a shitty way to spend easter? > \ This one is hilarious if you do it in person, as is it’s cousin… Q: How does Jesus bite his nails? A: \ ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/58 "2001-01-02T14:22:28Z")
Friedo… not to nit pick, but its Scottish that wear Kilts… anyway… How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb? 2. One to change it and the other to make a video documentary about it. Acid rain. A solution to the Homeless problem… ---
**Author:** ![Alantus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a6a055/32.png) [@Alantus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alantus)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2001, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/59 "2001-01-02T15:20:18Z")
How do they separate the men from the boys in Mississippi? With a crowbar. How do they separate the men from the sheep in Mississippi? With two crowbars. Alantus ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923/60 "2013-01-03T03:19:06Z")
A Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi are walking down the street when they spot a 10-year-old boy standing on the corner. The priest says, “Hey, see that little boy over there? Let’s go pick him up and SCREW him!” The rabbi says, “Out of what?” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-offensive-jokes-you-ever-heard/47923.md?page=4)