# Most Unhelpful Help (Computing, I guess, but other scopes welcome) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 21, 2017, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523 "2017-06-21T10:53:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2017, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/21 "2017-06-23T00:42:27Z")
> [@Stana\_Claus](#): > > Back when I was working as a sys admin for a large engineering/construction company I always hated the error messages that ended with “If problem persists contact your system administrator”. I would invariably yell back at it “That won’t help! He doesn’t know what’s wrong either!” I am a Systems Administrator at a mega-corp and I hate that message. What’s worse though is when I have a good idea of what is going wrong and need a specialist like a DBA to look at something, I call in a ticket and they tell me that they won’t look at it until I escalate it to the Systems Administrator and Tier 3 support. That is me you dumb fucker just like I told you as soon as I called! That isn’t an isolated incident. It happens most times I call. It is like offshore Indian tech support are masters of not listening and are simply sitting there thinking of the quickest way to tell you that they won’t help. I always win but it takes much longer than it should but I really feel for the end users because they don’t stand a chance talking directly to ‘The Help Desk’ (Jennifer from Bangalore). ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2017, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/22 "2017-06-23T16:50:45Z")
> [@wolfpup](#): > > What’s wrong with the simple and clear (and technically more accurate, IMHO) “Please wait while the list is populated?” Is any meaning changed? Is any nuance lost? It would be better still to dump the passive voice and say “Please wait while Windows populates the list”, but that’s a different discussion. “Populated” can be the adjective meaning already populated (which I wouldn’t need to wait for), or the verb you are referring to. Therefore, there is ambiguity that is avoided by the current message. ---
**Author:** ![Haunted\_Pasta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/94ad74/32.png) [@Haunted\_Pasta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Haunted_Pasta)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2017, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/23 "2017-06-23T17:14:57Z")
One of those stories that has become part of family lore is from the first Thanksgiving when my mom and dad were married (early '60’s.) It was to be my mom’s first time preparing a Thanksgiving meal, so she naturally pulled out her cookbook for help. Step 1 of the recipe: “Roast turkey as usual.” ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2017, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/24 "2017-06-23T17:24:35Z")
My neighbor Dave. “Helped” me with a project by spilling oil, kicking tools around and dropping a tiny little, yet critical part. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2017, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/25 "2017-06-23T18:43:27Z")
Yeah, but next time he asks you to let him help, you get to say “I’m sorry, Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that”. Silver linings, my man, silver linings. ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2017, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/26 "2017-06-23T18:49:17Z")
“Check Engine” ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2017, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/27 "2017-06-23T20:40:28Z")
From the support side of things: I write applications for in-house users. I will get an email saying “I was using blah blah blah program and it gave me an error message and kicked me out.” I will reply back “What did the error message say?” Them: “I don’t know, I didn’t read it, I just clicked OK.” That’s no help! ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Strangelove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.strangelove/32/6613_2.png) [@Dr.Strangelove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Strangelove)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2017, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/28 "2017-06-23T21:00:45Z")
> [@wolfpup](#): > > “Raised” and “populated” can be adjectives, or they can be verbs. But there are contexts, like this example, where they are very clearly verbs with no other possible interpretation. If you’re waiting to remove a program from “Add and Remove Programs” and are faced with an empty box and asked to “wait while the list is populated”, is there any possible doubt what it’s asking you? Most language, in context, can be figured out with no ambiguity–even when the text is ungrammatical. If the message said “Please hold time when list is done populated”, you would probably understand what they meant. But ambiguous text increases cognitive load and there’s always a chance at error. One extra word here makes it totally clear. Also, there are plenty of computer situations where the basic scenario of “wait until the list has emptied” is a valid one (waiting for several downloads to complete, or an installer to finish several subcomponents, etc.). One probably wouldn’t use “wait while the list is populated” for clarity reasons, but it’s a totally correct phrasing. ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2017, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/29 "2017-06-25T02:57:23Z")
Recently my Xfinity modem / WIFI router died – as in no lights, no nothing. Obviously, I needed a new modem. I called Xfinity to get approval to pick up a new modem. It took three phone calls, and each call involved them giving me several “solutions” that involved logging on to the internet using either my P.C. or my iPhone. When I pointed out that I couldn’t get on the internet because my modem was dead, one “technician” offered to text me information. He texted me a link. ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2017, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/30 "2017-06-25T03:06:14Z")
There’s a joke that I will make as brief as possible. A plane pilot was lost and flying around in circles. Finally, he saw a man looking out an open window of a tall building. The pilot flew close enough to be able to yell at the man, “Where am I?” The reply was, “You’re in a plane.” The pilot banked and flew straight to the airport. When asked how he was able to do that, he replied that the building had to be the Microsoft Help Center because although the information provided was 100% technically correct, it was completely useless. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2017, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/31 "2017-06-25T19:14:35Z")
> [@ioioio](#): > > Recently my Xfinity modem / WIFI router died – as in no lights, no nothing. Obviously, I needed a new modem. I called Xfinity to get approval to pick up a new modem. It took three phone calls, and each call involved them giving me several “solutions” that involved logging on to the internet using either my P.C. or my iPhone. > > When I pointed out that I couldn’t get on the internet because my modem was dead, one “technician” offered to text me information. > He texted me a link. I cannot understand this. Comcast has redesigned its business model to put customer servce first! What was first before?? ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2017, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/32 "2017-06-25T20:14:16Z")
> [@DCnDC](#): > > “Check Engine” I’m deeply resentful of the fact that my car has an LCD screen that can show an image of my car to say which door is open and can display an utterly pointless image of a flowering shrub but, if I have low tire pressure, just displays a generic (_!_) image instead of saying which tire might be having problems. The fact that said image looks like I’m being mooned is entirely fitting if probably coincidental. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2017, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/33 "2017-06-28T19:02:20Z")
My favorite is still when they give me a website to go to when my Internet connection doesn’t work. And I echo the sentiment - Windows Help has never, under any circumstances, been of the slightest assistance in solving any problem. And the topics they suggest when I query for help seem only marginally related to anything I ask - I asked for how to change the margins on a document and they told me how to set up a printer. I must have mentioned the word “Print” in my search, and that startled them. And my not-entirely-undeserved reputation as a curmudgeon stemmed in a past job from my ferocious insistence that every exception the application throws had better have an error code, or I ain’t signing off on nothing. “Unknown exception” is NOT acceptable. > [@](#): > > Comcast has redesigned its business model to put customer servce first! > > What was first before?? I believe the previous model is summed up as “Fuck you, customer”. I called them twice, both times because my Internet connection was down. The only thing they said, both times, was - [ul][li]Is the power light on your modem on? [/li][li]Yes[/li][li]Ok, reboot your modem. Did that fix it?[/li][li]No, I think it is a problem with your servers.[/li][li]OK, reboot your PC. Did that fix it? [/li][li]No, I think it is a problem with your servers.[/li][li]OK, we can have a technician come out to your house a week from next Thursday, sometime between 8:00am and 4:00pm. [/ul]Which made me give up and wait for them to fix their issue, which is probably the idea.[/li] Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2017, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/34 "2017-06-28T21:34:16Z")
Way way back in the 90s: “Abort, Retry, Fail?” should have been renamed “turn off your computer and turn it back on” since all aborting, retrying or failing did was repeat the same prompt. Early 2000s I had a work computer that used to tell me “Running low on virtual memory!”, which made me wonder why the computer was running out of RAM it was pretending to have in the first place. Just pretend to have some more. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2017, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/35 "2017-06-28T22:16:38Z")
Heh. Verizon tech support for their DSL internet service. Subject of a series of my first OPs in the Pit: [The Thrills of BabyBell.net DSL Setup](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb//showthread.php?t=28861) [The Thrills of BabyBell.net DSL Setup: The Sequel!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=73493) [Babybell.net DSL III: STMP Harder](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb//showthread.php?t=82572) [Babybell.net DSL Episode IV: A New Opening Crawl](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=566025) ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2017, 8:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/36 "2017-06-29T08:30:54Z")
> [@Shoeless](#): > > From the support side of things: I write applications for in-house users. I will get an email saying “I was using blah blah blah program and it gave me an error message and kicked me out.” I will reply back “What did the error message say?” Them: “I don’t know, I didn’t read it, I just clicked OK.” That’s no help! Yes, when I was building, eventually we got our system to just memorize all error messages, so we could analyze them later. (It was years ago. We never got to real-time online support). Also, goodbye to that “OK to continue” stuff. If it got an error, it crashed and closed. I don’t want to be going through the corrupted data 3 months later, with the user saying “we just clicked OK when we got that error” ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2017, 9:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/37 "2017-06-29T09:28:27Z")
SAP’s standard help generally falls into two categories: - publicity (found mainly in their webpage), which tells you “you can do this, you can do that”, but not how. If you want to know how, it’s a minimum of 6K. - the in-program help (the same crap which 20 years ago could be found in their webpage), which in general has been written by someone who really wishes he was James Joyce writing legal proposals in Koiné Greek using the Thai alphabet. “The maintenance function involves the performance of those tasks, activities, schedules and calendaries which permit the correct functioning of our premises, assets, equipments and functional locations”. Or, as a Maintenance Dude put it “the work you do to keep the factory in working order” (the original version was shorter but didn’t include preventive maintenance: “fixing broken stuff”). And then there’s the version normally found when someone has added more code to SAP: blank. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2017, 9:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/38 "2017-06-29T09:50:29Z")
> [@wolfpup](#): > > This isn’t the first time that a casual throwaway comment of mine like that has elicited vicious pushback ;), so let me calm the waters slightly by saying that there are certainly pundits out there who will claim that Microsoft’s wording is correct, or at least not really wrong, and it does seem to be associated more with American English than with English elsewhere. And one might appeal to all the slavering descriptivists in the crowd by saying that it’s not even primarily about “correctness” in either case, but about what is preferred, if only for brevity and simplicity. > > But in brief, my argument is this. The intrusion of the word “being” is at best completely superfluous, and at worst it’s an incorrect use of a participial phrase, which should typically have an adjectival (or sometimes adverbial) form like “When after half an hour the list was still being populated, he got tired of waiting.” The creation of the present progressive here with “being” is essential, as you can see what happens when you take it out – the meaning completely changes. **The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don’t just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and riffle their pockets for new vocabulary.** - James Nicoll At any rate, you Brits have no place criticizing American English until you adequately explain all of the superfluous "u"s you use, and nonsense like why you think “programme” is “proper” English. ---
**Author:** ![Asuka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@Asuka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asuka)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2017, 6:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/39 "2017-07-01T06:56:29Z")
I remember back in the old days whenever my DSL connection was slow for days at a time for no reason I’d call up technical support to ask what the deal was. Sometimes I would actually get personal help that was useful but most of the time I’d get people clearly doing a checklist and nothing more. Step 1 - Is Your Phone Plug Inserted? (It’s slow, not totally non-functional!) Step 2 - Is the Modem On? (See answer to step 1) Step 3 - What browser are you using to access the internet? (They literally would tell you to only use Internet Explorer if you told them anything else) After what seems like forever in a remote checklist they would then take over my PC via Remote Desktop and then even more of the checklist, notably checking my PC to see if I was using “KaZaA” (which if I am using, is my own personal business, I know it can slow down your PC but only if you’re actually running it) They would go to my “Add/Remove Programs” folder and literally check every single program to see if there was any file-sharing software installed (if they found it they would instantly tell you to uninstall it or else they wouldn’t continue to help). Once all that checklist stuff was done and nothing was fixed, they would simply reset your modem from afar (which should have been Step 1). ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2017, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523/40 "2017-07-01T09:38:18Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > I’ve created an Excel document on a network share, which I want to ‘share’ so that it can be updated by more than one person at a time. I clicked ‘Share’ and Excel ‘helpfully’ said: The correct way for them to have handled that is to simply ask you if you want change that option and let you do it from the menu. But Microsoft has basically no competition in this market. Sure, this wouldn’t apply if you didn’t have permissions to edit that feature, but then the instructions would be useless, too. You are the creator of the document, and thus should have all edit rights. This is so obvious that I have to think Microsoft just doesn’t do things due to lack of competition. Unfortunately, I have nothing to offer your thread as I just don’t use this type of help anymore, and I can’t remember anything from back when I did. Though, if you count how annoying it is to try to get my ISP to come and fix problems, I could mention that. But I think that’s more a tech support issue. The help itself is actually useful–it just takes time to get past the people who have no more skill and access than I do to get it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-unhelpful-help-computing-i-guess-but-other-scopes-welcome/789523.md?page=3)