# mother allows abuse **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 26, 2015, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672 "2015-11-26T23:42:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2015, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/1 "2015-11-26T23:42:05Z")
just now having talk with mom about step dad abusing us both. I’m 52. she’s 74. His Obituary brought this up. fucking asshole ruined us both. She just told me that I’m to blame cause I didn’t say anything to her about it. My mother is an ASSHOLE! ---
**Author:** ![Locrian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/locrian/32/14146_2.png) [@Locrian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Locrian)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2015, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/2 "2015-11-26T23:44:22Z")
Ahhh… the holidays. This is why I hate them & the conversations that start. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Try to go to another room and watch loud TV. ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2015, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/3 "2015-11-26T23:50:31Z")
Have Chromebook. Gonna be fine. Thank you so much for making it clear that you don’t care. ---
**Author:** ![Locrian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/locrian/32/14146_2.png) [@Locrian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Locrian)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/4 "2015-11-27T00:08:46Z")
> [@Locrian](#): > > Ahhh… the holidays. This is why I hate them & the conversations that start. > > **I’m sorry this is happening to you.** Try to go to another room and watch loud TV. > [@Claude\_Remains](#): > > Have Chromebook. Gonna be fine. Thank you so much for making it clear that you don’t care. My bolding. Otherwise I wouldn’t have expressed condolences. 😉 Again, I’m sorry this is happening to you. If I seem crass, it’s because the holidays are a waste of time & money and they only breed annoying conversations between family members. Like you, AND I, just experienced in the last hour. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/5 "2015-11-27T00:09:15Z")
> [@Locrian](#): > > …I’m sorry this is happening to you… > [@Claude\_Remains](#): > > …Thank you so much for making it clear that you don’t care. What are you talking about? ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/6 "2015-11-27T00:17:13Z")
my job as 10 year old was to keep “dad” happy and not make him count to three till he had a fresh Budwieser in his hand. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/7 "2015-11-27T00:18:55Z")
It sucks that you’re having to deal with such pain on such a tremendous magnitude. At 74, is it possible that she is somewhat…hampered by something? I have heard of people having ministrokes and becoming rather nasty in their old age. I also know of one woman who was a fucking shit to her daughter growing up and after a stroke, she became a much more caring and considerate person. ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/8 "2015-11-27T00:22:10Z")
Locrian… Whe’re good. ---
**Author:** ![Honey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honey/32/5074_2.png) [@Honey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Honey)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/9 "2015-11-27T00:22:27Z")
I really sorry. No child should ever have to endure that. It could be that your mom is only blaming you, because she feels guilty about letting it happen. Do you have anyone to talk to about this? Brothers or Sisters? He can’t ever hurt you again. ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/10 "2015-11-27T00:24:07Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > What are you talking about? Assholes. I believe that when “A” says that their mother is an asshole and “B” replies that they are sorry that happened to A then A thinks that they get to give a very assholish reply to B. ---
**Author:** ![Locrian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/locrian/32/14146_2.png) [@Locrian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Locrian)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/11 "2015-11-27T00:26:55Z")
> [@Claude\_Remains](#): > > Locrian… Wher’re good. I know. But we are both a bit upset at the day, that’s for sure. 😃 And Honey is right: he can’t hurt you again. ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/12 "2015-11-27T00:32:05Z")
, > [@BubbaDog](#): > > Assholes. > > I believe that when “A” says that their mother is an asshole and “B” replies that they are sorry that happened to A then A thinks that they get to give a very assholish reply to B. so… Your Mother is a “B” also? contribute or get out, smartass. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/13 "2015-11-27T00:34:39Z")
**Claude** , you are absolutely NOT to blame for what happened to you or your mother. Your mother is WRONG about that, whether she’s saying it because she’s having cognitive troubles or she’s in deep denial or she’s just an asshole. And you’re not permanently “ruined”, either. Speaking as somebody who just turned 52, there are still a lot of possibilities in life, and you are not in any way “unworthy” of them because of what was done to you. As **Honey** said, your abuser can’t hurt you any more: don’t let him hold you back, either. ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/14 "2015-11-27T00:38:16Z")
Thank you, locrian. ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/15 "2015-11-27T00:44:28Z")
> [@Claude\_Remains](#): > > so… Your Mother is a “B” also? contribute or get out smartass. My mom’s a real sweetheart and I Shouldn’t have taken a swipe at you. Bad family situations seem to take on a special amplification holidays. Your hot comment didn’t deserve my snark. It looked to me like **Locrian** showed some honest empathy and you took a bite out of him for it. Maybe so, but you’re also dealing with some lifetime issues and deserve some buffer for that. Please accept my apology for undue smartassiness. (not a word but it should be) ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/16 "2015-11-27T00:52:46Z")
I am in the same situation with my mother, except we don’t talk about it. But if we did, I’m sure she’d deny, minimize, and otherwise not take responsibility. But I figure he abused her as well, and with her also being 74, she deserves to have some peace now in her last years, and I’m not going to take his place in beating her up (emotionally). So I let it go. I hope that you can find a way to do that and you and your mom can both have some peace as well. ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/17 "2015-11-27T01:09:51Z")
Thanks all… i guess. This, tied into the fact that my wife committed suicide (13 years ago) and my family blames me for it just brings my holiday down to zero. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/18 "2015-11-27T01:37:26Z")
> [@Claude\_Remains](#): > > This, tied into the fact that my wife committed suicide (13 years ago) and my family blames me for it That’s wrong too. Loving spouses and families are not the reason depressed people commit suicide. They’re the reason depressed people manage to fight off suicide for as long as they do. ---
**Author:** ![crypto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b3f665/32.png) [@crypto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crypto)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/19 "2015-11-27T02:01:27Z")
> [@Claude\_Remains](#): > > Thanks all… i guess. This, tied into the fact that my wife committed suicide (13 years ago) and my family blames me for it just brings my holiday down to zero. Perhaps you should steer away from family gatherings. Seriously. Blaming you for your wife’s suicide, and your mom’s comment? These are not people who you need to surround yourself with because you happen to share some DNA (or you are legally related). Don’t know your situation or your mom (obviously) but she wouldn’t be the first one to shift guilt. To blame something like that on a child? Shameful. I know you are in your 50’s now, but today, she blamed YOU for not telling HER what your father was doing to you. Whatever kind of abuse you suffered, my guess is your mom either knew everything that was going on or was willfully ignorant. Hang in there. ---
**Author:** ![Locrian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/locrian/32/14146_2.png) [@Locrian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Locrian)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2015, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672/20 "2015-11-27T02:11:29Z")
> [@Claude\_Remains](#): > > Thanks all… i guess. This, tied into the fact that my wife committed suicide (13 years ago) and my family blames me for it just brings my holiday down to zero. Ugh. That is so wrong, especially on a day where we’re supposed to find thanks. It’s not called Blamesgiving. For so many, holidays are seen by some like this is their big chance to say what they want, without regard for others. A turkey may come out of the oven, but so many times on so many occasions, all that comes out of people’s mouths is a passive-aggressive side dish. And it’s like we’re supposed to accept this for some reason. How many movies, TV shows, sitcoms, dramas, always have that character that doesn’t like the Asian husband, or the divorced niece, or the elusive grandson? Like, “Hey, you gotta expect some mean comments from people. They do it on TV!” Well, we don’t have to accept it, expect it or let it go. If you’re up to it, **Claude** , tell them how you feel about their comments. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-allows-abuse/738672.md?page=2)