# Mother-in-laws **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 3, 2004, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362 "2004-10-03T19:40:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Tiggrkitty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggrkitty/32/17966_2.png) [@Tiggrkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tiggrkitty)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2004, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/1 "2004-10-03T19:40:26Z")
Background: Cardsfan and I received an invite to “our” father-in-law" (actually a step father to Cardsfan) about a month ago for his 70th birthday. We RSVP of course. Yesterday, Cardsfan came home early from work, with a stomach problem. Now note, Cardsfan does not normally shuck his job unless he is truly feeling ill, I have tried many times to get him to play hooky. I tried to call my MIL to let her know but got voice mail and since this was a suprise party I did not leave a message. Today, my hubby got the following email from his mom: \*To say I’m disappointed is an understatement. When I called earlier in the evening and you said you had a stomach virus, I have to tell you, you did not sound sick. There is more to this than you being ill…If you want to hurt me, it didn’t work…but you hurt Cecil. There is more to this than you are letting on. If you have a problem with me, then you need to tell me. Don’t hurt others because of how you feel towards me. It’s very evident every time we talk that you really don’t want to talk to me, but you do because you feel it’s expected. I promise, I won’t call or email you any more. I don’t want to cause you any grief or upset. This will be the last time you will ever from me\* I am shocked. If this had been my mother she would have picked up the phone and cussed me a new one, or shoes reversed and my mother pissed me off I would have either picked up the phone or I would have driven the 3 hours to get to her place. (MIL lives an hour away from us) I can not believe an adult, let alone mother would totally reject a son through email. To me this is being a total chickenshit. If she had such a problem, why didn’t she pick up the phone and cuss him out today or arrange a meeting face to face? My opinion is this is totally infantile. Needless to say, the email totally pissed my spouse off to where he is ready to just walk away and never look back. I think he needs to confront his mother and tell her look, I am an adult and I do not report to you, thanks but ya know back the hell off. I love you as my mother but you know…I am not a child anymore and you can not and will not treat me as a ten year old. So…my question…how would the teeming millions handle this situtation. I have always gotten along with my MIL and adore her, but this shocks me completely. Should I intervine between the two and explain things or just let the two of them not talk for the rest of their lives? ---
**Author:** ![Tiggrkitty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggrkitty/32/17966_2.png) [@Tiggrkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tiggrkitty)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2004, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/2 "2004-10-03T19:43:49Z")
Oh and one other thing… How does one “sound” sick? This totally confused the hell out of me. A lot of times none of us sound sick when we are deathly ill. Are you suppose to moan or mumble? I don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![Sat\_on\_Cookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/71c47a/32.png) [@Sat\_on\_Cookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sat_on_Cookie)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2004, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/3 "2004-10-03T19:51:54Z")
Although it seems like a truly inappropriate way for her to have handled things, I would encourage him to nip it in the bud. Read her the riot act or whatever but don’t just let it go. The only way he’s going to know what prompted the (juvenile) icy message is for him to confront her. It’s amazing how quickly days can turn into years, and all of the sudden there’s a full-blown estrangement that may or may never be resolved. Unless she’s done something that warrants being banned from his life forever, and he won’t ever miss her, I’d vote for dealing with it now. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2004, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/4 "2004-10-03T20:26:33Z")
> [@Tiggrkitty's MIL](#): > > There is more to this than you being ill…If you want to hurt me, it didn’t work…but you hurt Cecil. I had no idea Cecil was even married! Not to get all psychiatric or nothin’, but could there be some underlying mental health issues of which this is a manifestation? History of depression, that sort of thing? I don’t blame MIL at all for being upset, since after all you were effectively a no-call/no-show at the party, but this sort of over-reaction smacks of something else going on. In the alternative, she’s an undiagnosed drama queen and needs to get right over herself. Definitely have Cardsfan speak with her, gently, firmly and in person. Apologize for missing the party, explain again that he was ill and perhaps make some sort of alternate plans for celebrating the event among the four of you? ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2004, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/5 "2004-10-03T20:26:56Z")
Your MIL wouldn’t happen to be a wee smidge on the dramatic side, would she? That note sounds remarkably like something my cousin Allison would have written. I can understand her being disappointed, even upset that you didn’t show up for his step-dad’s party. I mean, the man is seventy years old. The odds of him celebrating more “big” birthdays like this aren’t exactly getting better. It probably did hurt the old gentleman’s feelings, especially since it sounds like you didn’t call during the party to wish him a happy birthday (what with her mentioning calling you that evening.) Since this man is her husband, she’s probably upset that his feelings are hurt, possibly more than if you’d hurt her feelings. Still, to accuse someone of faking being ill (I’m reminded of that Dilbert strip where he calls in sick coughing because he doesn’t know how to make a headache sound) and then cut off contact with them…that’s way over the top. I don’t know if she’s melodramatic by nature, or if she’s suffering from age-related dementia, or is she just had a bug up her ass at the moment, or what, but that’s out of line. I’d say call her and ask _why_ she seems so dead set on this being about hurting one of them, what makes her think he’d deliberately hurt one of them. I’d also explain that the tone of her email, as well as the accusations were hurtful and you will not tolerate her treating you that way. Whether this will get you anywhere, I don’t know, but it would beat the hell out of becoming permanently estranged from your mom over a freakin’ stomachache. ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2004, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/6 "2004-10-03T20:46:17Z")
Personally, I’d take the letter at face value and just cut her out of my life until such time that she decides to get over herself and wanted back in. I did something very similar last year when my mom and I got into a major fight (I wound up moving from Tennessee to Oregon because of it) and she eventually got over it and called me. We’re doing as well now as we ever have. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2004, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/7 "2004-10-03T21:09:46Z")
Do any of the parties involved happen to live in a trailer? Just curious. ---
**Author:** ![Tiggrkitty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggrkitty/32/17966_2.png) [@Tiggrkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tiggrkitty)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2004, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/8 "2004-10-03T21:13:38Z")
This is exactly my take on it. (Everything posted above) I know my FIL (step) has a family of 5 children, 10 grandkids, so I highly doubt the no show of one step child broke his heart. I have had long talks with the man and I do not see this as being a problem with Cardsfan doing a “no-show”. I have consoled this man when he suspected his wife of cheating on him. (Cardsfan knows this information) So I really doubt it had the impact she says it did. I believe this is more “her” drama of Cardsfan not showing up than the actual thing of Cecil being pissed off. I think she is just looking for someone to vent on and it’s my spouse she chose. Knowing Cardsfan, he HATES confrontation on anything. Hell he avoided me for 3 days when he knew I was pissed off. So I figured she decided to vent on him knowing full well he would not defend himself…something I am fully willing to defend him on. Having gone toe to toe with my own mother and backing her down I would have no problem in backing her in to a corner…but I really don’t feel it’s my place. But knowing Cards, as easy going he is…things are about to go really bad because I know he will not turn and fight. He would much rather on saying goodbye then having a fight. Which I find myself. ---
**Author:** ![Tiggrkitty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggrkitty/32/17966_2.png) [@Tiggrkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tiggrkitty)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2004, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/9 "2004-10-03T21:16:01Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > Do any of the parties involved happen to live in a trailer? Just curious. No my dear. Although it seems like trailer park drama. We live on the upper north side of Dallas, which is a really nice neighborhood. Avg income is 60k+ range salary. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2004, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/10 "2004-10-03T21:42:44Z")
> [@Tiggrkitty](#): > > Having gone toe to toe with my own mother and backing her down I would have no problem in backing her in to a corner…but I really don’t feel it’s my place. But knowing Cards, as easy going he is…things are about to go really bad because I know he will not turn and fight. He would much rather on saying goodbye then having a fight. Which I find myself. The question then becomes, what is your desire to maintain the relationship, and if it’s stronger than Cards’s, do you feel it’s your place to step up and confront her non-confrontationally, if you take my meaning. Also, are there or will there be grandchildren in the picture? My mother _hated_ her MIL (the feeling was mutual) but felt it was important that my brother and I have a relationship with our grandmother. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2004, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/11 "2004-10-03T22:01:17Z")
[nitpick] It’s “mothers-in-law”, actually. [/nitpick] It does very much sound like it’s “her” drama, that she enjoys rather like a parrot. That being said, while my instinct is to say “have it out with her”, getting in a fight about it will probably play right into her drama-craving hands. (I don’t know the lady, of course, but if she’s like the drama-seekers I’ve known in my life, she _lives_ to add to the Story of Her Miserable Struggle. If this dosen’t apply, ignore everything I’m saying.) So my advice is to confront her firmly, either you or your husband, tell her that you were very hurt by her e-mail, that you resent being accused of faking an illness, and that you’re surpised that her relationship with you is valued so little that she’s willing to cut ties via e-mail over something like that. Don’t let her goad anybody into raising their voice, don’t prolong the conversation after that, just tell her what’s going on and how you feel about it and let her stew on it for a bit. ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2004, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/12 "2004-10-03T22:40:37Z")
> [@Otto](#): > > The question then becomes, what is your desire to maintain the relationship, and if it’s stronger than Cards’s, do you feel it’s your place to step up and confront her non-confrontationally, if you take my meaning. Also, are there or will there be grandchildren in the picture? My mother _hated_ her MIL (the feeling was mutual) but felt it was important that my brother and I have a relationship with our grandmother. FWIW, my father used to joke that he had in-law problems, too: He loved his wife’s parents, but he had major problems with his wife’s mother-in-law. Think it through. 😉 It always takes people a moment to get it. Seriously, it sounds almost like something my grandmother would have done, except she was too afraid of computers to use email. She was the Jewish grandmother out of all the jokes. I was 20 (and _not_ a seven month baby) when she said to my father, in front of my mother, with my sister and I in the next room, “Rosemary is such a nice girl, but are you sure you couldn’t have found a nice Jewish girl?” Because of her I have trouble misbelieving stereotypes - if the Jewish grandmother one is that accurate, why shouldn’t I think they all have some truth? Give her a week of silence and see what happens. I suspect she’s expecting Cardsfan to come running to prove his devotion. As someone innoculated against guilt trips by my mother’s mother-in-law, they only work if you let them. She’s the one who has over-reacted, take her at face value for a week, and see what happens. Call her up after that, and ask if she’s willing to listen to reason. But don’t just give in to her. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2004, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/13 "2004-10-03T22:56:08Z")
So once son feels better, son calls step dad to touch base. If step dad is miffed (if step dad is even aware of issue), son and step dad chat it out, with reference to mother being a whack job. No use trying to change disfunctional mother. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2004, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/14 "2004-10-03T23:36:30Z")
While I agree that MIL seems to be a drama queen, I need a bit more information. I understand you didn’t want to leave a message saying “we can’t come to Cecil’s surprise birthday party” but couldn’t you have left a message…“Mom, please call us as soon as you hear this” so that she could have been alerted? Was the party somewhere where you could not call after it started to wish him a Happy Birthday just to let him know you really wanted to be there? How many other people/relatives were going to be there…was Cardsfan’s absence a huge glaring hole in the line-up or lost in the crowd? Was his presence going to be the star appearance? It just seems you could have made a bit more effort to let Mom know her baby boy was really, really sick, without giving away the surprise of the party. Instead it sounds like she had to call you all afterwards to find out why you didn’t show, which is embarassing…HER kid didn’t show up ---
**Author:** ![Tiggrkitty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggrkitty/32/17966_2.png) [@Tiggrkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tiggrkitty)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/15 "2004-10-04T00:29:40Z")
> [@Zsofia \[nitpick](#): > > It’s “mothers-in-law”, actually. [/nitpick] Why? Why when you are refering to a mother-in-law is it mothers-in-law? I think your nitpick should be saved for another thread. I am only talking about my mother in law, I only have one husband, therefore only one mother in law. Anyhooooo… I have always admired my “mother-in-law”. She raised two boys on her own. She sort of reminds me of Gunny R Lee Ermey from Mail Call. Sense of humor but no bs. Which is why her email totally caught me off guard. I am not sure where the father-in-law (step) entered the picture, but from my take of talking to Cards and his brother, he wasn’t all the much of an inspiration to the guys. He was more of a “helping” hand than an actual dad figure. In fact Cards always feels weird buying him a fathers day card in which his mother insisted upon for so long. I have only known the family for 8 years and it’s only sideline takes which the whole family seems “closed lips” on. So no telling what the hell is going on. Shoot my family would make Jerry Springer look like childs play. We did leave a message saying happy birthday. Cecil has 5 kids (plus spouses) and 10 grandkids, so him not hearing from one of the “step” kids probably did not have the impact, as his mom said. I have been on the receiving end of information and trust me, the least of the man’s worries are step children. I will not go any further with this line. I think it hurt her more than it did him simply because his brother was out of town on business, and Cards not showing up because he was sick left her with no kids on her side that came. I really admire both Cards mom and his step father. They are both intelligent and caring people. I am however appalled by the email she sent. Misc: No Cards and I do not have kids, see other threads and there will be no kids from this side. (hint: I am sterile) Yes, I would confront my MIL toe to toe if I had to. She doesn’t scare me in the least, after having dealt with my own mom, MIL is nothing compared to her. And for more background… MIL/SFIL are always playing golf. Cards and I were always trying to track them down to have dinner, or come over but they were never around. They chose their lifestyle and we adapted to that lifestyle. They preferred to be on the golf course and not having anything to do with family. We, (Cards and I) over the past eight years tried to arrange Thanksgiving, Christmas etc and the holidays were just not in their schedules. Oh sure on occassion we hit gold and had Thanksgiving dinner with Cecil’s family 3 weeks prior to Thanksgiving or Christmas 2 weeks before the actual date. You can’t fault us for trying to keep in touch. (Hint: Cecil is retired, his mom still works) They treat birthdays more important than normal holidays and they are religious. It befuddles my peabrain for sure. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/16 "2004-10-04T00:33:11Z")
Could you have gone by yourself? (Just curious-I’m not attacking you, or whatever) ---
**Author:** ![Tiggrkitty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggrkitty/32/17966_2.png) [@Tiggrkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tiggrkitty)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/17 "2004-10-04T00:40:24Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Could you have gone by yourself? > (Just curious-I’m not attacking you, or whatever) Well had Cards not been ill I would have, had she sent directions. In the invitation it was more of “The Club” and assumed everyone knew where that was. I was expecting “us” to go, but with Cards sick, I was not sure it was a good idea to leave him or not. I would hate to have gone to a party and him ending up having to call 911 on his own. They are about an hour away from here. Does that make sense? ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/18 "2004-10-04T00:57:05Z")
> [@Tiggrkitty](#): > > Well had Cards not been ill I would have, had she sent directions. In the invitation it was more of “The Club” and assumed everyone knew where that was. I was expecting “us” to go, but with Cards sick, I was not sure it was a good idea to leave him or not. I would hate to have gone to a party and him ending up having to call 911 on his own. They are about an hour away from here. > > Does that make sense? Absolutely. Again, I was just curious. And I didn’t know how sick he was. I hope he’ll feel better soon! ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/19 "2004-10-04T18:26:05Z")
> [@Tiggrkitty](#): > > Why? Why when you are refering to a mother-in-law is it mothers-in-law? I think your nitpick should be saved for another thread. I am only talking about my mother in law, I only have one husband, therefore only one mother in law. I think the issue is that the thread title is “Mother-in-law **s**.” The implication is that you mean it in the plural, which is properly “mothers-in-law.” Of course, it’s almost certainly just a typo in the title, but that particular nitpick was the first thing I thought when I saw it, too. ---
**Author:** ![Tiggrkitty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggrkitty/32/17966_2.png) [@Tiggrkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tiggrkitty)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362/20 "2004-10-04T19:04:58Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > I think the issue is that the thread title is “Mother-in-law **s**.” The implication is that you mean it in the plural, which is properly “mothers-in-law.” Of course, it’s almost certainly just a typo in the title, but that particular nitpick was the first thing I thought when I saw it, too. Ah. I didn’t even notice that I made a typo in the title. oops. :smack: [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mother-in-laws/267362.md?page=2)