# Motherfucking Black Ice (Long) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 3, 2003, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439 "2003-01-03T16:39:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/1 "2003-01-03T16:39:38Z")
Last night I came home from the mall with a bunch of packages. I’d been hearing all day about bad weather in my region, but I didn’t think much of it. I kind of live in denial that Winter exists, it’s the only way I can deal with this infernal (literally) season. So I pull into my complex’s parking lot and start making my way up to my usual parking area. Now, my building is at the top of a very steep hill. I’d estimate that the distance between the driveway entrance and my front doorstep is about fifty yards, with a difference in elevation of about twenty. It’s fucking steep, you get the idea. The surface of the parking lot looked completely normal, so I pulled in like I do any old day. That’s when I started to slide out of control in the direction of a line of parked cars. In an instant, just as I was resigning myself to the fact that I was going to hit them, I remembered something about turning your wheels in the direction your car is pointing. So I did, and my car stopped, literally _inches_ from fucking up somebody’s paint job. At that point I realized there was no way I was going to get up the hill in my car, so I left it in a non-parking-space in front of the super’s garage. Fuck it, it’s not like he can give me a ticket or anything. So now I have to walk up the hill with my packages. Keep in mind that the surface of the parking lot looks _perfectly normal!_ Also, keep in mind that I was wearing hiking boots, as I usually do. I took two steps away from my vehicle and, standing up perfectly straight, I began to slide in a downwardlyish direction. I managed to grab onto my car and stop my descent. I tried a few more times to walk on the perfectly normal-looking surface of the parking lot. I couldn’t accept that it was covered in a sheen of ice. It wasn’t even that _cold_ for shit’s sake! So, now I have a puzzle on my hands. How to get up the hill without using the Earth’s surface. Unless… if I could just get to the grass I could walk up the hill that way and avoid the blacktop. So I plot a path of least resistance to the edge of the lot and start inching my way over, packages in hand. I make it. I trudge up the hill. I’m almost there. Then I come to another strip of parking lot. I look around. In front of me, on the other side of the 15-foot-wide strip of slippery evil, is my apartment, surrounded by more grass. About 15 yards down and to my right is a cluster of dumpsters. If I try to walk forward across the strip I will slide down the extremely steep hill directly into the piss-smelling remains of an entire garden apartment complex’s worth of post-holiday vileness. _Think_, **cuauhtemoc**. What to do, what to do… Maybe if I climb to the top of the hill, I can start across the strip and make it to the other side before I slide down past my apartment and into the dumpster. But if I don’t catch some grass I’m definitely screwed. It was a chance I was going to have to take. I made my way up to a point of higher elevation, and stared across the chasm in front of me. I figured I had about fifteen seconds to make it across before the point of no return (A.K.A. the point of you’re-about-to-hit-a-dumpster-at-a-high-rate-of-speed). Determined, I took my first few steps. Immediately I could see that I was not going anywhere but down. I had to think fast or be buried in trash. There was clearly only one thing to do. I dropped to the ground, packages and all. I put as much of my body in contact with the surface of the ice as possible to increase my coefficient of friction. In seconds, I had managed to interrupt my descent. Of course, now I’m clinging to a parking lot like a Wacky Wall-Walker copyright 1978 Mattel corporation all rights reserved. I have to gather my packages and _roll_ across the strip. Yes, like a sentient pickle rolling sideways on a hill. I’d make a revolution and reach back for my packages. Make another revolution, and reach back for my packages. Repeat as necessary. Until finally I’m at my front door. Who the fuck builds a garden apartment complex on top of the fucking Matterhorn? Who the fuck does that? Or, more importantly, who the fuck _moves into such an apartment complex?!?!?_ Thank you for your time. And fuck ice. ---
**Author:** ![Khan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3ab097/32.png) [@Khan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khan)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/2 "2003-01-03T17:24:43Z")
Nice work turning into the skid, but does your car have antilock brakes? If it doesn’t, pump the breaks next time you’re in a similar situation. If it does, nevermind. ---
**Author:** ![blowero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/41988e/32.png) [@blowero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blowero)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/3 "2003-01-03T18:50:56Z")
Move to California. All WE have are earthquakes and riots. ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/4 "2003-01-03T19:09:19Z")
Yep I hate the shit too. Two years ago it was a nice morning out, something around 45-50 degrees. Warm enough to ride the motorcycle I says. I get on the bike and away I go. I get maybe a mile, I’m not going fast since I want the tires to warm up and next thing I know I’m sliding on my ass. I end up sliding 50 feet or so, the bike goes a few hundred at least. I had hit a sheet of black ice that by no rights should have been there. Directly behind me was a school bus, the bus honked it’s horn at me!! What the hell did you want me to do? I got home pretty easy, just put my feet down like out riggers. There was little damage to the bike, one small crack and a couple of scratches, not bad for sliding a few hundred feet. But damn black ice, now when it’s cold it still freaks me out! ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/5 "2003-01-03T19:13:03Z")
The comparison to the Wacky Wall Walker was gold. The copyright information immediately following was platinum. Five star rant, Sir-Or-Madam-As-The-Case-May-Be! ---
**Author:** ![happyheathen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5e925/32.png) [@happyheathen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/happyheathen)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/6 "2003-01-03T19:57:31Z")
So, do the American thing - sue the bastards! It’s not like the apt. management could not have foreseen the possibility of icing, right? But you’d better hurry - the GOP will probably pass a law forbidding anyone to sue anyone or thing richer than themselves. ---
**Author:** ![shelbo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@shelbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shelbo)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/7 "2003-01-03T20:14:42Z")
That was beautiful. Thank you for the mental image of you, rolling yourself across the parking lot. I’m dieing here. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/8 "2003-01-03T20:28:35Z")
Hey, black ice is fun fun fun. I was going through an ‘S’ turn on what I thought was wet pavement. Before I realized it, the back of my car spun out, I was rear-end first in on coming traffic, which thankfully, was none at that exact moment in time. I slid across the one lane of traffic and about twenty feet into a snow covered feild. It is probably the only part on that road that does not have a ditch. I was able to drive out of it without any damage except to my nerves. Inconvenience: about thirty seconds and a pair of soiled underpants. Lesson learned: Don’t trust Mother Nature. OH, and the time late at night I was driving home and a dog crossed the road that I tried to stop for. Black Ice. Slid out of control across traffic, again, non-existant, jumped a curb and was part way in a ditch. Got myself out without any problems. Had a bent wheel rim from the spin and soiled underpants. Missed the dog. I’m sure the next time I will buy the farm. ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/9 "2003-01-03T21:20:01Z")
I live in the capital city of Black Ice Land. You haven’t lived until you hit a patch driving at 70 on the interstate while in a top heavy rear wheel drive (at the time, didn’t have 4 wheel drive on) truck. ---
**Author:** ![JRootabega](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8e7dd6/32.png) [@JRootabega](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRootabega)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/10 "2003-01-03T22:59:14Z")
> [@](#): > > So, now I have a puzzle on my hands. How to get up the hill without using the Earth’s surface. Classic! This sounds like something straight out of Chief Wiggum’s mouth. ---
**Author:** ![Nanoda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Nanoda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nanoda)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/11 "2003-01-03T23:07:34Z")
I was just thinking of black ice… the term was nominated as a “[banished word](http://www.lssu.edu/banished/current/default.html)” recently. [(Link for after 2003)](http://www.lssu.edu/banished/compiled/2003.html) I noticed it because the person who submitted it posits that black ice is just ice. After some careful thought, I disagreed. The weather for black ice is different, and it does tend to cause more accidents that regular ice. (Not that I ever lost steering ability and bent the front alignment on the curb of a curve because of black ice, nope not ever.) BTW, I’ve found that my Coleman hiking boots actually make things worse for me on ice. They have little prongs on the bottom that might work if they were metal, but they’re rubber and plastic. It seems that they just reduce the surface area of my footprint on ice, instead of digging in. ---
**Author:** ![chique](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@chique](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chique)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2003, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/12 "2003-01-04T00:27:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Edward The Head \* > \*\*Directly behind me was a school bus, the bus honked it’s horn at me!! What the hell did you want me to do? \*\* Ha! Someone did the same thing to me once when I found myself going about 15 mph backwards. Right, buddy; you think I _wanna_ drive backwards down a street? Did you not just see my perfect 180? :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![scablet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/53a042/32.png) [@scablet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scablet)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2003, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/13 "2003-01-04T00:31:53Z")
Oh my GOD - tell your mother to stop doing that at ONCE. Coupling with black ice has been recently linked to ovarian cysts and stomach flu. ---
**Author:** ![lel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8797f3/32.png) [@lel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lel)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2003, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/14 "2003-01-04T01:26:20Z")
I shall from this point on think of **cuauhtemoc** as a sentient pickle. Aside from that, gah! How on earth do people walk on ice? ---
**Author:** ![lel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8797f3/32.png) [@lel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lel)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2003, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/15 "2003-01-04T01:43:43Z")
I shall from this point on think of **cuauhtemoc** as a sentient pickle. Aside from that, gah! How on earth do people walk on ice? ---
**Author:** ![g8rguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7cd45c/32.png) [@g8rguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/g8rguy)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2003, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/16 "2003-01-04T02:08:52Z")
Very carefully? ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2003, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/17 "2003-01-04T17:43:33Z")
We have so far been blessed and cursed with a really mild winter and a few weeks ago we got several days of light rain. This is Edmonton… we don’t normally get rain in December. There’s nothing quite like trying to drive or walk on streets and sidewalks that could just as well been coated with teflon. We could at least SEE the ice and do our best to avoid it. Black ice is so much more fun as there’s nothing that will get the adrenalin pumping like driving down the highway and suddenly finding yourself doing it sideways after hitting a patch of black ice. Mind you, in this position, you have a much better view of the scenery than you do when your car is facing forward. ---
**Author:** ![bibliophage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bibliophage/32/7615_2.png) [@bibliophage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bibliophage)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2003, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/18 "2003-01-04T18:12:11Z")
> [@](#): > > I kind of live in denial that Winter exists [shameless plug] [Is there really such a thing as “black ice”?](http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/mblackice.html) [/shameless plug] ---
**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2003, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/19 "2003-01-04T19:24:24Z")
Yes, yes, it’s all very amusing when it’s not _you_ rolling across a vertical parking lot, isn’t it? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2003, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439/20 "2003-01-04T20:26:12Z")
For the record, I think this thread would make a great idea for a video game. “Cuauhtemoc Hill Climbing Extreme Sports 2k3,” maybe? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/motherfucking-black-ice-long/146439.md?page=2)