# Mother's day vs Divorce **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 7, 2007, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159 "2007-05-07T22:06:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/1 "2007-05-07T22:06:29Z")
Ok - many of you have followed my saga of separation and (impending) divorce. For all intents and purposes, the divorce is a done deal, we’re just shuffling papers now. Mothers Day is coming up. While she’s not my wife anymore, she’s still the mother of my children. I really don’t want to do anything but I’m sure the kids would like to. So - I’m thinking I should help the children come up with a gift for their mother but I want to make sure I do no more than help out. I do think they’d love to give a gift to their mom. The kids are 10,7, & 5. First off, is this a good plan? Should I be helping in this? I’m thinking of something kinda crafty, that way its from their hands. A couple years ago, I helped them make glass bead necklaces & bracelets for her. Any ideas for this year? ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/2 "2007-05-07T22:09:14Z")
[QUOTE=Belrix] First off, is this a good plan? Should I be helping in this? [/QUOTE] Yeah, definitely, help them in whatever they want to do, even if it means being more personally involved in the selection/crafting than you really want to be. Don’t let your mixed feelings show to the kids. ---
**Author:** ![tbdi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3bc359/32.png) [@tbdi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tbdi)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/3 "2007-05-07T22:13:04Z")
[QUOTE=Belrix] First off, is this a good plan? Should I be helping in this? [/QUOTE] The only way I see that it would not be good is if you used it in a back-handed way by doing something that your ex would understand but the kids wouldn’t. If it’s important to your kids to do something for their mom then it should be important to you to facilitate that. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/4 "2007-05-07T22:32:55Z")
I think it is wonderful that you are so considerate of your kids feelings. Try going to a craft store; they may have inexpensive kits or even classes where the kids can make something for their mother. With them making it, it shows that it is from them and not from you, even though you financed it. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/5 "2007-05-07T22:37:21Z")
[QUOTE=Belrix] First off, is this a good plan? [/quote] Absolutely. Mother’s Day is about them and their mother. > [@](#): > > Should I be helping in this? Absolutely. Your craft ideas sound excellent. Are there any decorate-it-yourself pottery places nearby? You could have them each do a couple of small plates or coffee cups or something. (Obviously, I have no idea what your STBX would enjoy, I’m just extrapolating from what my own STBX would like if I were in your shoes.) ---
**Author:** ![gfloyd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d2c977/32.png) [@gfloyd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gfloyd)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/6 "2007-05-07T23:38:30Z")
I think the pottery place idea is great (I still think they are fun). Also, each child can make something their own and personal, that they think their mother will like. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/7 "2007-05-07T23:56:07Z")
Definitly a good idea. Apart from everything else that’s been mentioned, it will also help re-enforce the idea that just because the feelings between you and your ex have changed, it doesn’t mean that the feelings between the kids and their mother have to change, too. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2007, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/8 "2007-05-08T00:26:41Z")
Help the children with whatever project they come up with. And be enthusiastic! It’s a big deal for kids and they’ll be able to tell if you aren’t into it. ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2007, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/9 "2007-05-08T02:48:26Z")
Helping your kids to make or buy their mom gifts isn’t something you’re doing for her, it’s teaching them to be thoughtful. It might be too late for the paint your own pottery idea. Often you have to paint it and then pick it up a week later. ---
**Author:** ![wonderlust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonderlust/32/7237_2.png) [@wonderlust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonderlust)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2007, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/10 "2007-05-08T04:47:08Z")
I think it’s a wonderful idea to help your kids show their appreciation for their mother. It teaches them to give, but even more crucially, _it validates the respect they’re developing for her_. As a single mother, I’ve seen how a father’s systematic undermining of me has destroyed my son’s respect for me, and even for himself. Kids take their cues from their parents, especially same-sex parents. I wish my ex-husband had helped with gifts. I tell my kids not to worry about getting me something, but that’s not good for them either - even though I suggest they make me a card. I continued to help my kids with their father’s birthdays, xmas, and father’s day until he moved in with the woman who became his second wife. It’s her place to help now, except she’s not. Sad. ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2007, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/11 "2007-05-08T14:05:50Z")
Absolutely. My ex doesn’t have the means to help with things like this, but his girlfriend and I can make sure each other gets a card on birthdays and special occasions like Mother’s Days. It makes my son feel more like he is from a big family that lives in different places instead of a divorced family. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2007, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/12 "2007-05-08T14:25:38Z")
Maaan, I wish Papa had been one of those parents that help with crafts stuff! And I think it’s a wonderful idea 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2007, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/13 "2007-05-08T14:45:58Z")
Another vote for good idea. My brother is the single parent of an 8 y.o. and a 6 y.o., and to say he dislikes his (useless, mean, manipulative) ex-wife would be an understatement. But she’s the kids’ mother and she’s the only mother they have, so he helps them pick out a card to send her for Mothers’ Day every year. It’s not just a nice gesture to make to her, it helps them stay in touch with her and makes _them_ feel like they’re doing something nice. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2007, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/14 "2007-05-08T15:06:42Z")
In addition to helping my boys do something for their mother, I send her a card and tell her Happy Mother’s Day as well, and she’s driven me batshit insane over the years. To do less would still seem petty to me. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2007, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/15 "2007-05-08T15:27:52Z")
As Judge Judy once said: Your love for your children has to be bigger than any hate you have for your ex. I’m no fan of hers, but I agree with that idea. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2007, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/16 "2007-05-08T15:51:04Z")
Sorry to hear about the separation and divorce. Having done the same, I can sympathize and celebrate right along with you (depending on how things are going at any given minute). My daughter is 8 and I help her pick out Mother’s Day, Xmas, and Mom’s birthday gifts, cards, etc. for my ex-wife. Lilly, Queen of the Universe, has never been made to feel that she was in the middle of the problems her mother and I experienced, and but not for the divorce I’d be doing the same thing. My ex does the same from her end. Father’s Day, Xmas, and my birthday I always get a little something from LQofU and even though I know her mother helped out, each little drawing, card, or tie is very, very greatly appreciated. ---
**Author:** ![Long\_Time\_First\_Time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@Long\_Time\_First\_Time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Long_Time_First_Time)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2007, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/17 "2007-05-08T18:36:41Z")
I’d recommend treating it just like you did when you were married. At a younger age - such as the age of your children - there is always adult involvement with card/gift giving. It’a about their relationship with their mom, so I’d suggest supporting that just the same as you always did. At some point in their late teens or so, they can take over the burden of obtaining cards/gifts for your ex - and you can gracefully bow out. ---
**Author:** ![Sapo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Sapo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapo)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2007, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/18 "2007-05-09T16:54:35Z")
[QUOTE=Frank] Yeah, definitely, help them in whatever they want to do, even if it means being more personally involved in the selection/crafting than you really want to be. Don’t let your mixed feelings show to the kids. [/QUOTE] You could have just as easily locked the thread and leave it at that. That’s all the advice that is needed. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2007, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/19 "2007-05-09T17:11:27Z")
[QUOTE=Sapo] You could have just as easily locked the thread and leave it at that. That’s all the advice that is needed. [/QUOTE] I agree. And I think it would have been pretty bad-ass if **Frank** had done so: > [@Frank](#): > > Yeah, definitely, help them in whatever they want to do, even if it means being more personally involved in the selection/crafting than you really want to be. Don’t let your mixed feelings show to the kids. > > **Mod Note: Since I’ve definitively answered the OP, I’m now closing the thread. Why waste server space?** :D:D:D ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2007, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159/20 "2007-05-09T22:03:02Z")
Well, just to thank you for the support and tell you my plans, I’ll bump my thread. I went to Michaels (craft store) and wandered the aisle looking for _something_. Believe it or not, it’s pretty hard. I almost went with the make-jewelry thing I did a couple years ago. Then I stared at the plaster hand casting kits for a while. Kinda lame, IMO, although I was thinking about all three hands done together and then mounted in some sort of shadowbox - still… Staring at the many aisle items lead to the idea of buying plasticine clay, the kind that gets hard when you bake it. I’m going to get the kids to trace their hands onto it, I’ll cut it and bake it, and then the kids can decorate & embellish with the buttons, paint, glitter, etc. that I got along with it. Finally, we’ll glue magnets to the back and they can be used as refrigerator artwork holders. The leftover clay & paint & stuff can be used for playtime later. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mothers-day-vs-divorce/403159.md?page=2)