# Moving away from hometown and family - am I being a selfish asshole? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 24, 2011, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moving-away-from-hometown-and-family-am-i-being-a-selfish-asshole/607253 "2011-12-24T04:59:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Flying_Dutchman)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2011, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moving-away-from-hometown-and-family-am-i-being-a-selfish-asshole/607253/61 "2011-12-27T19:27:38Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I didn’t find the “You’re such a woman” comment insulting, either. Face it - women are expected and trained to feel more guilt about moving away from their mothers in this country. > > (It’s funny, in India it’s the boys who are expected to stay home, and close to mom. Daughters are considered other people’s property from the start.) > > Anyway, go and enjoy. It’s not going to help anything if you stay and resent them, is it? I don’t think its just India. In my personal experience having lived in smaller communities all my life, its the boys who stick around home much longer hoping to get one of the few local jobs in the bigger paying industry(s) while having their mothers look after them and showing little appreciation in return. Its the girls who seek the better paying jobs associated with the big city in hospitals and administration, as well as the cultural amenities including nightlife. The girls do call their mother at home a lot. ---
**Author:** ![ballardfam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8797f3/32.png) [@ballardfam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ballardfam)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2011, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moving-away-from-hometown-and-family-am-i-being-a-selfish-asshole/607253/62 "2011-12-27T19:39:39Z")
> [@partlycloudy](#): > > My dad though - whom I have a weird relationship with - a sort of pseudo-closeness, where I am intimidated by him and respectful, but inwardly critical of him - well, he’s not very happy about it at all. Where I actually expected him to get so angry or frustrated with me that it would be difficult to even talk to him about it, today he actually brought it up and gave me what is turning into the most intense guilt-trip of my life. Besides all the other good reasons to go, you need space in your relationship with your dad. For yourself & for him. It’ll improve, you’ll get more respect. If not, you’re better off away from someone who’ll never let you grow. Get the hell outa dodge, ASAP! ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2011, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moving-away-from-hometown-and-family-am-i-being-a-selfish-asshole/607253/63 "2011-12-27T19:41:13Z")
> [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](#): > > I don’t think its just India. In my personal experience having lived in smaller communities all my life, its the boys who stick around home much longer hoping to get one of the few local jobs in the bigger paying industry(s) while having their mothers look after them and showing little appreciation in return. Its the girls who seek the better paying jobs associated with the big city in hospitals and administration, as well as the cultural amenities including nightlife. The girls do call their mother at home a lot. I always heard this one: “Your son’s your son until he takes a wife; but your daughter’s your daughter all your life.” ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2011, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moving-away-from-hometown-and-family-am-i-being-a-selfish-asshole/607253/64 "2011-12-28T11:28:36Z")
Just go, **partlycloudly**. Your mother and father are not respecting your boundaries. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2011, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moving-away-from-hometown-and-family-am-i-being-a-selfish-asshole/607253/65 "2011-12-28T11:51:32Z")
Yes yes, come to the pacific northwest! We’re all really laid back and the most summer we get lasts about a week at 100º, the rest of the time it’s around 65. ---
**Author:** ![partlycloudy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/partlycloudy/32/3114_2.png) [@partlycloudy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/partlycloudy)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2011, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moving-away-from-hometown-and-family-am-i-being-a-selfish-asshole/607253/66 "2011-12-28T22:12:58Z")
> [@DMark](#): > > Good for you! > And do us a favor - write back after you get there, and do a follow up to this thread in a year. I have the feeling you will be happy with your choice. I will, I definitely will. Here’s hoping I can get into UW! You’ll probably get a braggy update from me if I do. 🆒 > [@Anaamika](#): > > I always heard this one: “Your son’s your son until he takes a wife; but your daughter’s your daughter all your life.” Ahhh!! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![boobeedee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@boobeedee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boobeedee)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2018, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moving-away-from-hometown-and-family-am-i-being-a-selfish-asshole/607253/67 "2018-04-09T08:07:54Z")
Just read about your experience in your home town in Florida and the ensuing guilt that your having put on you by your Father…well…here I am…I’m 65 yrs old(Yikes!) and am about to undertake THE MAIN JOURNEY of my life from by relocating from southern Calif.(YUK! YUK! YUK!) to fulfilling my lifelong dream of moving to Vermont. And,it’s AMAZING how eventhough BOTH of my parents are deceased and being raised(?) in a supposedly “close” Italian Family,the realities of trauma can still affect one at this stage…I have a 31 yr old son here,who over ANYONE,I HATE to leave behind and a 30 year old son with wife and 2 grandkids in Israel(!!!)…I did live in SW Colorado for 10 years with ex-wife and our sons were born there… Anyone who thinks living in a big city,etc is NUTS!!! I may or may NOT have made a good choice,but,I say to you…GO FOR IT AND ENJOY the small town life! Sanity can still survive there! ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2018, 9:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moving-away-from-hometown-and-family-am-i-being-a-selfish-asshole/607253/68 "2018-04-09T09:35:17Z")
> [@boobeedee](#): > > …I say to you…GO FOR IT AND ENJOY the small town life! She WENT FOR IT (or not) more than 6 years ago. mmm ETA: …and has posted just once since 2013. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2018, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moving-away-from-hometown-and-family-am-i-being-a-selfish-asshole/607253/69 "2018-04-09T12:07:48Z")
Nice timing on the resurrection, though. My bestie is going through the exact same thing. Literally just last week she was approved for an apt. in \ and her aging parents have been laying on the guilt. And the worrying. Well, she’s movin’ out of state anyway, so here’s hopin’ that everyone’s advice here still holds true! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2018, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moving-away-from-hometown-and-family-am-i-being-a-selfish-asshole/607253/70 "2018-04-09T15:12:36Z")
I’m going to take the opposite tack here. Don’t just live in Florida but _move in with them!_ Show up at the door with your U-Haul behind you saying, “Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! I’m gonna save so much money!” Save your boxes because you’ll be moving again in about a month. ---
**Author:** ![partlycloudy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/partlycloudy/32/3114_2.png) [@partlycloudy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/partlycloudy)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2018, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moving-away-from-hometown-and-family-am-i-being-a-selfish-asshole/607253/71 "2018-04-10T13:54:11Z")
Oh, I should’ve updated this. I’m a chronic lurker. Getting involved in threads seems just occupy a lot of time and space in my head, so I just read. But yeah, I did move away, to Seattle. Finished my degree and got a job I love working at a great hospital. Got married, bought a house, got a 3-year old black lab (no babies). My parents, who I said were pretty bitter with each other, got divorced. My dad got a lot nicer and easier to deal with. I talk to my parents about once a week, sometimes every two weeks, which seems like a long time. It’s fine - I do miss having a closer relationship where I could see them more often, but not TOO much more often. I miss my brothers and my nieces/ nephews. My dad stopped guilt tripping me and he understands why I love it here. Seattle is a cool city - I feel a little guilty for contributing to the consolidation of blue and red in this country though. It is a liberal bubble, no question. Going back to Florida is a little bit of culture shock, especially since the 2016 election. It’s beautiful here and I’ve done more outdoorsy things than I ever did in my previous life, where it was too damn hot outside! I wouldn’t trade it, I’m glad I made the decision to leave. Life is good. Sorry for not updating sooner. Keep fighting the good fight, dopers. I’ll be watching from back here. Purplehorseshoe, I am sure your friend is making the right decision! DesertDog, ha! That’s funny. That will never happen! (But I’ll be sure to update here if it does) ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2018, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moving-away-from-hometown-and-family-am-i-being-a-selfish-asshole/607253/72 "2018-04-10T14:03:30Z")
Happy it worked out for you. Nothing wrong with getting as far away from Florida as possible. ---
**Author:** ![ZonexandScout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zonexandscout/32/544_2.png) [@ZonexandScout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZonexandScout)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2018, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moving-away-from-hometown-and-family-am-i-being-a-selfish-asshole/607253/73 "2018-04-10T14:09:19Z")
First, thanks for the update! Glad to hear! Second, if I could, I would ensure that we have a Federal law requiring that every person, upon reaching the age of 21, has to move at least 300 miles away from from his/her family. Exemptions would be granted, but only when supported by a certificate showing that there is a genuine financial or medical reason for the person not to move. And, no…wanting to be supported by the family while you continue your education would not be sufficient. ---
**Author:** ![Corry\_El](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Corry\_El](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corry_El)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2018, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moving-away-from-hometown-and-family-am-i-being-a-selfish-asshole/607253/74 "2018-04-10T14:50:08Z")
> [@astro](#): > > People are different, but I have rarely if ever heard a man express the level of angsty conflictedness women often do about making choices that may disappoint people or cause disruption in family peace or social relationships. > > It’s was clumsily stated, but the generalization is not altogether incorrect. Yes, generalizations are valid if generally true, which that one is IME by a wide margin so it’s not only not altogether incorrect, but in general accurate. But there are social convention of politeness, which change. It’s annoying when people get way up on their high horses negatively reacting to comments like that, but also a reality that statements like that aren’t very acceptable now (which isn’t IMO particularly progress or regress, just a change in convention) and it distracts from whatever else you’re trying to say. On the question, there’s basically 100% unanimity to ignore parents’ concern. That’s also a prevailing social convention IMO not an absolute matter of right and wrong. What degree of filial piety you feel you owe to your parents as an adult if any is a matter of culture. Although in practical $ terms the economy tends to be more flexible and dynamic if people don’t let things tie them to places other than what’s best for their career. Also all such cases are inherently seen from one side. We’re happier our youngest is now working 130 miles rather than previous 1500 miles away. The older ones both live within blocks and we like that too. Nobody can judge over the internet whether we are reasonable in how we present those feelings. Also a difference and matter of judgment whether you’re missing anything staying right near NY (the city) as opposed to in FL. I think that’s pretty different, but others would say that’s regionally biased. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moving-away-from-hometown-and-family-am-i-being-a-selfish-asshole/607253.md?page=3)