# MPSIMS=Constipation **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 16, 2000, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mpsims-constipation/19689 "2000-05-16T19:44:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![concrete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bbce88/32.png) [@concrete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/concrete)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mpsims-constipation/19689/1 "2000-05-16T19:44:13Z")
If I read the Straight Dope for more than an hour, I’m constipated the next two days… why is that? Anyone else experience this? I’m thinking no one really wants to admit it. ---
**Author:** ![aha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eada6e/32.png) [@aha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aha)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mpsims-constipation/19689/2 "2000-05-16T19:50:51Z")
concrete come here…“Slap” ---
**Author:** ![lucyfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e36b37/32.png) [@lucyfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lucyfur)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mpsims-constipation/19689/3 "2000-05-16T19:54:03Z")
Of course, a common affliction suffered by the novice MPSIMS thread reader. Here’s what you do: 1. Open thread 2. Tighten sphincter muscle group 1 3. Read OP 4. tighten SMG 2 5. Read only 4 more posts (if applicable) 6. Scoot forward in your chair, perform left cheek sneak, preferably while the boss is passing your cubicle 7. tighten SMG 3 8. Before opening a new thread, drink 4 oz tepid tap water 9. Repeat with each thread 10. Tighten SMG 4 and release Good luck. Let me know if you have questions. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mpsims-constipation/19689/4 "2000-05-16T21:48:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Of course, a common affliction suffered by the novice MPSIMS thread reader. Here’s what you do: > > 1. Open thread > 2. Tighten sphincter muscle group 1 > 3. Read OP > 4. tighten SMG 2 > 5. Read only 4 more posts (if applicable) > 6. Scoot forward in your chair, perform left cheek sneak, preferably while the boss is passing your cubicle > 7. tighten SMG 3 > 8. Before opening a new thread, drink 4 oz tepid tap water > 9. Repeat with each thread > 10. Tighten SMG 4 and release > > Good luck. Let me know if you have questions. > \*\* Geezus. I’d been skipping step 6. Now my life will be in order. ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mpsims-constipation/19689/5 "2000-05-16T21:56:29Z")
That’s really surprising, Concrete. Judging from the volume of diarrhea that you’ve dumped on this board, I’d have figured you were dehydrated. Now, I’ve asked before and I’ll ask again. Didn’t you say you were going to completely quit posting here just a few short weeks back? And just a day or two ago I’m certain I was you say you were going to quit during the week. What’s the fucking story you miserable scrote? ---
**Author:** ![lucyfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e36b37/32.png) [@lucyfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lucyfur)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2000, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mpsims-constipation/19689/6 "2000-05-16T22:05:10Z")
Glad to give you that refresher **Adam Yax**. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Whammo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8dc957/32.png) [@Whammo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whammo)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mpsims-constipation/19689/7 "2001-09-22T23:48:54Z")
You gotta miss this guy. ---
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mpsims-constipation/19689/8 "2001-09-22T23:54:21Z")
No we don’t.