# Must I participate in the spoiling of your kids? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 15, 2006, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103 "2006-01-15T18:31:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2006, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/21 "2006-01-16T15:28:24Z")
I agree with the corner that says “stuff” doesn’t have to be a bad thing. When they invite you to a party, party within your budget and have a good time. If you really don’t want to attend, can you just tell them you’re “partied out” and that you’ll be taking a pass on that one? There’s no rule that says you have to attend every single bash. ---
**Author:** ![Athena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/35a633/32.png) [@Athena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Athena)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2006, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/22 "2006-01-16T16:11:35Z")
I agree with many of the above posters. I also don’t think it’s a bad thing to tell your kids you can’t afford something, or it’s not in the budget, or you don’t think it’s smart to spend money that way. My parents went through some bad financial times when I was a yung’un, and I remember, for example, being told that I couldn’t get Levi’s instead of store brand jeans even though all my friends had them because they were too expensive. I remember my mother budgeting for groceries and not buying certain things because of money concerns, and seeing my parents worried about paying the bills. Sure, I wanted those jeans, but I also remember just kind of going “Oh well” and getting on with my life. Letting your kids in on the fact that you’re not made of money and that some people spend their money differently than you do is a good thing. It teaches them early on that there are different levels of spending and that splurging on stuff that isn’t important doesn’t cause permanent damage. Keeping up with the Joneses isn’t the epitome of successful adulthood. In short, I wouldn’t belittle the other family, but I’d tell my kid the truth about why you weren’t participating in every expensive party, and why your kid gets a normal birthday party instead of a 3 day extravaganza. He can handle it, and actually might get some good out of it. ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2006, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/23 "2006-01-16T18:59:56Z")
As a single woman with several “married with children” friends, I often find myself astounded by the extravagence of some parents. Some are more sensible, but others…whoa nelly. One of my best friends and her family moved to Utah a few years ago, but most of their friends are still in California. For their one year old’s birthday, they flew in to California, along with a guest that they also paid for (airfare and hotel), and had the “birthday party” at a fancy french restaurant, with an open beer and wine bar and a fancy sit-down dinner. They also paid for a hotel room for me and my boyfriend and my dog. This party must have cost them a couple thousand dollars or more. W.T.F? Now, it is true that they are financially much better off than me. But I still think that if I were them, I’d put the money in a college fund, stay home and make cupcakes, you know? ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2006, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/24 "2006-01-16T19:33:02Z")
I’m sure the one year- old really enjoyed the wine. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2006, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/25 "2006-01-16T21:43:04Z")
A one year old’s birthday party is an excuse for the parents to get together with their family and friends and show off the baby. The kid has no idea what’s going on, whether mom & dad flew back to California and held a dinner for their friends or it’s cupcakes in the backyard with the grandparents and the extended family. ---
**Author:** ![Mesquite-oh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a183cd/32.png) [@Mesquite-oh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mesquite-oh)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2006, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/26 "2006-01-17T07:57:36Z")
What is even more difficult than “Must I participate in the spoiling of your kids?” is “Must I participate in the spoiling of OUR kids?” When you are trying to explain to your children the differences between families and how different people place different values on different things, it is helped by the fact that you are at least two different families and you can drive away and maybe not see the other family for a while. It gets complicated for parents and kids when at 3:45pm every other Friday they have to switch from one value system to another and then back again on Sunday at 6:00pm. It is tough to argue with a 15 year old who has no limits set when it comes to material possessions or money in one home, then goes to another home where the parents take more care in trying to teach their children to be more money smart and not so materialistic. Parents who indulge their kids by giving them everything they want in the amount that they want could be sending them down an unhealthy path of materialism and financial irresponsibility. ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2006, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/27 "2006-01-17T16:19:40Z")
> [@Philster](#): > > My 7 y.o. nephew has a laptop, pc, xbox, ps2, gamecube, electric moped, gas moped, gas ko-cart, and 56" TV. > > Honestly, my wife and I find it very difficult for my 5 yo son to have any relationship with him. > > I avoid that family like the plague, and we out earn them. They live irresponsibly, and just when they were about to go belly up, someone dies and leaves them 1.2 mill. > > Now b-day parties are on DISNEY cruise lines and resorts, and we get ‘invited’. We decline, and then we get berated with questions and comments about how it only costs 5600 bucks and how we are making our kids (3 and 5) suffer. ONLY $5600?? Holy shit, that was a year’s tuition plus books when I was in college. Tell them if they ever have an extra $5600 sitting around they can donate it to me. Hey, it’s only $5600. I wonder if the parents who give their kids everything really realize that as the kid gets older, they’re going to want even more expensive things. 'Cause we know Billy who just turned 16 really _needs_ that Humvee, and Katie who just graduated highschool really deserves a yacht. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2006, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/28 "2006-01-17T20:16:37Z")
What I further wonder is, what will happen if the family falls on hard times? I’m reminded of that umpire who, a few years ago, made a dumb move during a labor dispute and ended up having his resignation cheerfully accepted. So he ended up losing the house, and cars, and a lot of toys as well, and having to work off the expenses that had turned into debts. The way he described it, “We eat every day, but the kids keep saying ‘We’re poor, we’re poor’, but they don’t know what poor is.” ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2006, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/29 "2006-01-17T20:41:07Z")
> [@](#): > > Parents who indulge their kids by giving them everything they want in the amount that they want could be sending them down an unhealthy path of materialism and financial irresponsibility. Please refrain from using well thought out logic in your posts. It confuses everyone. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2006, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/30 "2006-01-17T21:19:08Z")
What’s it like to spend time with these people? Are they any fun? This crazed buying behavior can’t be the only aberration – people who are leading happy, balanced, productive lives don’t do that (except for wealthy celebrities perhaps). I don’t think it hurts for one’s children to be aware that other people live differently (thinking otherwise seems imprudent); but it would seem strange to participate in something so over-the-top. OTOH, you and your children might have some interesting dialogues re: these choices. And if your kid can play with their kid’s toys for free, hey, might be nice. Kids have a way of figuring this kind of thing out on their own. Just for the record, MY family thinks I’M the wildly extravagant one because my twins have a “LOT” of toys (and they do). Never mind that I bought most of them used at the thrift store (or Goodwill). It’s partly a desire that they “want” for nothing, and partly a desire to stimulate every possible intellectual and creative impulse. And also that I love toys. So what’s their favorite toy? Me! Last night they had a blast pushing me over & pulling me back upright. Every time I dig out old baby gear to sell, it reminds me of how frightened I was when I bought this thing or that, how much I was trying to “do it right”. Turns out I didn’t need hardly any of it. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/31 "2006-01-18T01:02:56Z")
I don’t agree with those of you who say giving your child everything they want or ask for if you can afford it is okay. I don’t think it’s doing any favours to a kid to never hear “no,” to never have to wait and anticipate something, to never learn how it feels to settle or simply do without. Our culture places almost no value on anything that isn’t bought, and I think that is a shame. We live in a culture of “more,” and that is not the path to happiness. Good for you, **newcrasher** , for deciding not to participate in the rampant consumerism that your friends are engaging in. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/32 "2006-01-18T03:36:29Z")
Today it’s an XBox 360, tomorrow it’s a BMW for their birthday. Parents who overindulge their children are setting them up for failure. Because eventually they will be on their own and will want to maintain the lifestyle to which they’ve become accustomed. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to do this on an entry level wage. And some kids just cannot adjust to the fact that they can’t afford BMW’s and iPod Nanos AND pay the rent. And with cc companies willing to extend wads of credit and mortgage companies willing to lend unworkable sums of money with zero percent down…well, we’re setting our kids up for bankruptcy or a lifetime of subsidy from mom and dad. (And how pathetic is that?) ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/33 "2006-01-18T04:31:09Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > I don’t agree with those of you who say giving your child everything they want or ask for if you can afford it is okay. No one has said that. ---
**Author:** ![Cyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e4f/32.png) [@Cyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyn)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/34 "2006-01-18T06:46:37Z")
I recently refused to participate in the spoiling of another couple’s adorable 3 year old twins. We were to have dinner at a 3rd couple’s house; since they are childless and mine are older teens, we assummed this was a grownup dinner, but there were these beautiful kids running around the living room, annoying the dogs and climbing over the furniture. I have a flashy handbag, gold with swarovski crystals and the little girl, displaying remarkable fashion sense, demanded to hold it. Hmmmm. I looked her right in her gorgeous blue eyes and said “No, it’s mine.” She made a grab for it and I set it on top of a bookcase. She appealed to her mother, who looked at me expectantly and I looked her right in her eyes and just held the look. Then I sat down and had a lot of mudslides. They eventually took their family home and we had a very nice evening with the other couple. People who want to buy things for their families are fine with me, but don’t expect me to give a 3 year old my designer bag. Buy her one of her own. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/35 "2006-01-18T07:04:55Z")
Wait-was she asking if she could just look at the bag, or did she actually want you to GIVE it to her? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/36 "2006-01-18T14:17:35Z")
I’m pretty much with IvyLass. I don’t know the people involved here, so I can’t fairly judge them. I can only say that IF they can afford to give their kids expensive things, and IF their kids aren’t bratty or badly behaved, and IF they’re not being mean or snobby or ostentatious, then I don’t see why anyone should object to what they’re doing. My wife and I make decent incomes, but we’re far from rich. We’re very friendly with a married couple who are both doctors, and who ARE very affluent. We have a 2 year old son and they have a 2 year old daughter. For THEIR daughter’s birthday, they pulled out all the stops (a huge trampoline, a pony, entertainment, etc.). We were invited, we attended, and we had a great time. For our son’s birthday, we had pizza, cake and a few backyard games. Nothing more. The doctors and their daughter came and had a great time. Assuming we stay friendly with this couple for years to come, we’ll keep going to their parties. And when our son gets old enough to ask “Why can’t we have fancy parties like they do,” we’ll just tell the truth: they make more money than we do, and they can afford some things we can’t. Will my son like that? Of course not, but he’ll deal with it. There’s no reason for us to shun our friends, who’ve done nothing wrong, just so our son won’t feel (wrongly) that he’s being deprived. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/37 "2006-01-18T21:36:16Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally Posted by featherlou > I don’t agree with those of you who say giving your child everything they want or ask for if you can afford it is okay. > [@WhyNot](#): > > No one has said that. You’re right - no one has said **exactly** that. What I understand people to be saying here is that giving your children somewhere from a lot to an extreme amount of material things is okay if you can afford it, and the kids aren’t obnoxious brats. I still disagree with this; I still don’t think you’re doing your kids any favours by supplying them with far more than they need, regardless of whether the kids act bratty or not. In my experience, kids who are supplied with massive amounts of material things do tend to get pretty bratty, too - the two cannot be totally converted, but there is a strong correlation. For the record, I disagree with adults having far more than they need, too. I don’t think it’s particularly good for anybody. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/38 "2006-01-18T22:23:49Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > You’re right - no one has said **exactly** that. What I understand people to be saying here is that giving your children somewhere from a lot to an extreme amount of material things is okay if you can afford it, and the kids aren’t obnoxious brats. I still disagree with this; I still don’t think you’re doing your kids any favours by supplying them with far more than they need, regardless of whether the kids act bratty or not. In my experience, kids who are supplied with massive amounts of material things do tend to get pretty bratty, too - the two cannot be totally converted, but there is a strong correlation. > > For the record, I disagree with adults having far more than they need, too. I don’t think it’s particularly good for anybody. OK, but no one needs a backyard birthday party with cupcakes, either. No one needs a mention of their birthday at all. Who is the arbiter of what is too extravagant? I think it only reasonable that it be correlated with the economic standing of the family. For some families, Chuck E Cheese is a hardship, and to give your kid a Chuck E Cheese party might be “spoiling” them. For richer folks, a three day hotel party might be “modest”, and comparable to what they spend on bed linens each year. That’s why I think their income is relevant to the discussion. If the family described are multi-millionaires, then a $5600 party is like you or I dropping $50 at McDonald’s Playland - not something we’d do everyday, but not “spoiling” for a birthday party. I think the other criteria I asked about are far better indicators of “spoilage” than a rich parent who has extra money to burn. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/39 "2006-01-18T23:30:06Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > In my experience, kids who are supplied with massive amounts of material things do tend to get pretty bratty, too - the two cannot be totally converted, but there is a strong correlation. Some kids who get massive amounts of material things turn out to be pretty bratty- but in my experience, brattiness depends at least as much upon the reason as the amount. There is a difference between a parent who has enough money buying their child material things and experiences and does so _willingly_ and one who does so unwillingly, simply to avoid bad behavior on the part of the child. Giving a child a lot of material things does not mean the parent has never said “no” or that the child has never had to wait. And not spending a lot of money doesn’t mean the child isn’t spoiled- I’ve known kids who really didn’t have a lot of material things whose parents still treated them as if they were the center of the universe (kid always gets to choose TV station, what’s for dinner, where to go on Saturday night, etc) who are absolutely shocked when they discover that it doesn’t work that way on the outside. This > [@](#): > > I looked her right in her gorgeous blue eyes and said “No, it’s mine.” She made a grab for it and I set it on top of a bookcase. She appealed to her mother, who looked at me expectantly and I looked her right in her eyes and just held the look. could happen whether the parents gave the child a lot of material things or not. It’s the being told “no” followed by the grab and the mother’s expectant look that makes the child appear at least a bit spoiled, regardless of how many or few material things the mother may have bought her. My children have far more than they need- all they need is wearable clothes, a place to sleep and nutritious food- but if they had ever grabbed for something after being told “no” , and appealed to me, there would have been no expectant look in my eyes. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103/40 "2006-01-18T23:55:06Z")
> [@chriscya](#): > > It gets complicated for parents and kids when at 3:45pm every other Friday they have to switch from one value system to another and then back again on Sunday at 6:00pm. It is tough to argue with a 15 year old who has no limits set when it comes to material possessions or money in one home, then goes to another home where the parents take more care in trying to teach their children to be more money smart and not so materialistic. After being one of those kids, I don’t envy you that task. Although, in my case, it wasn’t money that was an issue, there were still serious values differences between my mother and father. In the end, I like to think I ended up with the good parts of both, but I’m sure it was hell on them during my teenage years. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-i-participate-in-the-spoiling-of-your-kids/340103.md?page=3)