# Must Lifetime Network movies suck quite so hard? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 5, 2005, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670 "2005-08-05T03:14:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/41 "2005-08-05T14:50:19Z")
Yeah, my wife watches this stuff too, and just to let you know how formulaic it all is: I’m on the computer, “working,” (reading the Dope) listening with half an ear to the weepy drivel coming from the living room. I say the next thing that comes into my head. Two seconds later, the character on the screen says the same thing. Sometimes, _exactly_, and that’s a little creepy. My wife asks, “Have you seen this one before?” :rolleyes: :dubious: ☹ No, of course I haven’t, but you’d have to be deaf, dumb and witless – or actually involved in the storyline – to NOT know how the writer’s brain is (not) working. I’ve done it several times now, so it’s not just a fluke. That being said, every now and again they have a decent flick on. There was one with Jenna Elfman as a nutjob, and there was another about a teenage girl hooked on gambling … ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/42 "2005-08-05T14:55:18Z")
**catsix** , I call bullshit. You made that up. Please tell me you made that up. When will you stop making things up? Will it be soon? ---
**Author:** ![NotWithoutRage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/22d042/32.png) [@NotWithoutRage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NotWithoutRage)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/43 "2005-08-05T14:55:34Z")
Not one post in support of Lifetime? I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person, and I enjoy the channel, for the most part. Yeah, some of the movies are ridiculous, but they’ve done some nice adpatations of decent books (“The Dive from Clausen’s Pier”, “The Pact”, "Plain Truth), **and** they show reruns of both “The Golden Girls” and “Golden Palace”. Also, I’m seriously hooked on “Any Day Now” ---
**Author:** ![John\_Corrado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a88e4f/32.png) [@John\_Corrado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Corrado)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/44 "2005-08-05T15:00:11Z")
> [@Ellis Dee](#): > > Star Trek:TNG, CSI, and the UFC. What’s not to love? Don’t forget World’s Wildest Police Videos. Car crashes a gogo! Whee! ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/45 "2005-08-05T15:03:57Z")
> [@catsix](#): > > I thought that I had heard of/seen some pretty shitty movies in my time, but then one day the Lifetime TV was airing the gem that is _[Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life](http://imdb.com/title/tt0457270/)_ in which the teenage lead and his brother are caught on the Internet looking at porn that is no more suggestive or revealing than the swimsuit issue of _Sports Illustrated_. I **really** wanted to see that! I wanted to know if it was as ridiculously comical as the commercials made it seem. Apparently it was worse. Now I want to see it even more! Or does that make me addicted? ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/46 "2005-08-05T15:05:09Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > [Yep](http://www.timbland.com/bredbox/movietitle.php). Lesse, I got: The Dark Needs of Esther Betatester Not Without my Paralyzed Baby My Sister Won’t Stop Kidnapping Me: Dunderklumpen’s Story I Loved My Sore Too Much: The Danielle Pigiron Story That’s it. I’m hooked. ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/47 "2005-08-05T15:05:12Z")
> [@smiling bandit](#): > > _“Lifetime. Television for idiots.”_ > > -Family Guy Which reminds me of an episode of the Simpsons, where Homer and Bart are watching Lifetime. Announcer: “And now, the Estrogen Network presents Afternoon Yak.” Host: “Men.” Audience: “Booooooooooooo!” ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/48 "2005-08-05T15:12:41Z")
> [@Revtim](#): > > How’s Pam Dawber looking nowadays? And she’s married to Mark Harmon. Can you imagine how gorgeous their children are? Christ, that’s like Hollywood Eugenics. ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/49 "2005-08-05T15:21:23Z")
> [@](#): > > **tdn** said: > catsix, I call bullshit. You made that up. Please tell me you made that up. When will you stop making things up? Will it be soon? Never, now that IMDB is giving me write access to their database just so that I can make up horrific movies for Lifetime, TV for Victims that are even worse than their actual Lifetime Original Movies. I’m a geek dude, that means I’m not too lazy to invent a movie like that, but am _way too lazy_ to actually create all the supporting evidence like the IMDB listing and the IMDB user reviews. > [@](#): > > **Justin\_Bailey** said: > I wanted to know if it was as ridiculously comical as the commercials made it seem. Apparently it was worse. Now I want to see it even more! I forgot about the part where Dad tells WomanHaterBoy how natural it is to want to look at naked women, and then SuperMom jumps his shit about it and he becomes downright violent. And SuperMom is so distraught by WomanHaterBoy’s third place finish at the swim meet because of his pornodiction that she is just unable to cheer for him anymore. You’re not addicted. Masochistic maybe, but not addicted 😉 ---
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/50 "2005-08-05T15:25:22Z")
> [@catsix](#): > > It was, in many ways, like a plane crash that CNN keeps showing footage of for hours on end. Terrible and unpleasant, yet I could not look away. It is necessary for my sanity that I never, never, never watch this. But I probably will anyway. I like Spike TV - they have CSI and Blind Date (or they used to, haven’t seen this one in awhile). ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/51 "2005-08-05T15:29:28Z")
Guys think about things, women think about relationships. Guys like to see things blown up on TV, women like to see relationships blown up on TV. We’ve now got channels for both. Woohoo! ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/52 "2005-08-05T15:32:08Z")
> [@Dante](#): > > The Dark Needs of Esther Betatester > Not Without my Paralyzed Baby > My Sister Won’t Stop Kidnapping Me: Dunderklumpen’s Story > I Loved My Sore Too Much: The Danielle Pigiron Story Sorry, these simply are not as funny as the actual shows they air. Proof positive that you can’t make this stuff up. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/53 "2005-08-05T15:59:13Z")
Gah! My wife was watching one of these a couple of weeks ago. I caught a glimpse of Ally Sheedy and decided to watch for a minute, and couldn’t…look…away. Talk about trainwrecks, I’m convinced the writers were forced to watch Cujo and Carrie with generous splicing in of daytime soaps while smoking crack. Let me try and summarize it: Ally Sheedy gets dumped by her husband for a lady in his office, forcing her and her sons to live alone. Goofy poltergeist crap keeps happening, but at first no one sees it but the older boy, so of course eveyone blames it on him. Furniture gets moved, things are broken, grafitti magically appears on his teachers garage, that kind of stuff. For reasons I can’t fathom there is an occasional appearance by a really mean rottwheiler that wants to eat Ally, but that only Ally Sheedy sees. Later after involving a paranormal hack, who makes some really lame attempts to hint to Ally she should commit suicide. We learn it’s Ally causing the strange happenings. See it’s because she won’t fight for her man, except she is mentally. Next she starts employing a really cheesy CGI demon dog (or it was dog like thing with horns) to go after her enemies the paranormal hack and the other woman. After offing the hack and other woman, the husband decides it time to take the kids. He confronts Ally outside and runs to his kids in the house. So Ally’s demon dog grows to two stories and becomes bipedal and tries to, well other than shaking the house, I’m not quite sure what it’s tryng to accomplish. Ally watching the monster realizes it’s her inner demon and tells it to take her instead. So the monster hits her in the head with lightning. So Ally wins because now selfish husband has to take care of her (now wheelchair bound, with a ridiculous red dot on her forehead) and the kids. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/54 "2005-08-05T16:06:52Z")
> [@Stuffy](#): > > So Ally’s demon dog grows to two stories and becomes bipedal and tries to, well other than shaking the house, I’m not quite sure what it’s tryng to accomplish. Ally watching the monster realizes it’s her inner demon and tells it to take her instead. So the monster hits her in the head with lightning. We had this problem with our Labrador. You just have to be firm. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/55 "2005-08-05T16:10:45Z")
Now I’m half-way tempted to put _cyber-seduction_ on my Netflix queue. Sounds hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/56 "2005-08-05T16:20:59Z")
> [@Dante](#): > > Not Without my Paralyzed Baby I like “My Husband Won’t Stop Murdering Me: The True Story of Jane.” There’s also [this classic](http://img81.imageshack.us/img81/9676/1029pl.jpg). ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/57 "2005-08-05T16:23:52Z")
Egads, **Stuffy**. And you sat through it? If you like this kind of stuff but don’t want to make the time commitment, try watching Chicken Soup for the Soul on the Wisdom network. You can get horribly glurgified in discreet 10-minute doses. My favorite was about a woman on the phone to a friend. She was complaining that her life was horrible because she couldn’t decide what shoes to wear to dinner that night. Then she had to go because someone was knocking at her door. Turns out it was a couple of children dressed in rags, and barefooted. They were too poor to own shoes. And they were begging for money to send to other homeless children in India. “Pwease _cough_, give to the widdwe homewess childwen _hack_.” Moved by pity, the woman invited the kids in and gave them a bowl of soup. When the Very Grateful kids were finished, the woman sent them on their way. Back out into the snow. Shoeless and penniless. Wiser now, the woman finally understood life’s priorities. She chose to wear the red shoes. I just love a happy ending. ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/58 "2005-08-05T16:46:35Z")
> [@Stuffy](#): > > Gah! My wife was watching one of these a couple of weeks ago. I caught a glimpse of Ally Sheedy and decided to watch for a minute, and couldn’t…look…away. Talk about trainwrecks, I’m convinced the writers were forced to watch Cujo and Carrie with generous splicing in of daytime soaps while smoking crack. That would be [The Fury Within](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0176739/combined), courtesy USA Network. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/59 "2005-08-05T16:46:36Z")
> [@badbadrubberpiggy](#): > > Yes, star of the classic, “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?” This is my all-time favorite movie title. It’s just too much fun to say. Especially if you throw in a dramatic pause and arched eyebrow before “Danger.” Oh, and really over enunciate that last word. Sort of like this: “Mother, May I Sleep with… :dubious: DAIN-jer?” ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/60 "2005-08-05T17:02:05Z")
Ah, SpikeTV. Home to yet another variant of “amazing videos”. The channel where I was treated to a video of a group of people using dynamite to blow up a deceased whale. The shot of the slab of blubber crushing in the roof of the car, accompanied by the pink shower, will stay in my mind forever. Can you imagine trying to explain that to your insurance agent? “It’s rainin’ whale, on my goodness it’s rainin’ whale…” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670.md?page=4)