# Must Lifetime Network movies suck quite so hard? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 5, 2005, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670 "2005-08-05T03:14:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/61 "2005-08-05T17:04:58Z")
I love Lifetime Movies. To me, they’re like reading Chick tracts: both are so incredibly, horribly, awfully contrived, stupid and (insert other adjective of your choice). That’s what makes them entertaining! They’re pure comedy because _they don’t intend to be_. Hell, I get enough entertainment by looking at the cable guide daily movie info for the Lifetime Movie Network. I get quick and condensed hilarity in just a minute or two! ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/62 "2005-08-05T17:14:11Z")
There’s one starring Angie Harmon called [Video Voyeur: The Susan Wilson Story](http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0304896/). Apparently Susan’s across-the-street neighbor broke into her house and installed video surveillance equipment in her bedroom, bathroom, etc. What I thought was a little :dubious: was the lady neighbor who tried to convince Susan not to go to the police, because Steve Glover (the voyeur) was “such a nice guy” and “it must be a misunderstanding.” Talk about twisting yourself into contrivance. I remember Susan, after discovering the camera in the master bedroom, saying to her husband, “He’s seen me do things you never have!” That should give Angie Harmon fans something to think about… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/63 "2005-08-05T17:17:22Z")
You know, if life imitated art … or at least, if life imitated _Lifetime_, a sultry saxophone\* would play every time I had steamy, soft-focus sex. I’m just _sayin’_! - Or a muted trumpet, but that didn’t jibe with the alliteration. ---
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/64 "2005-08-05T17:19:32Z")
> [@Lute Skywatcher](#): > > That would be [The Fury Within](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0176739/combined), courtesy USA Network. I need to read the internet less, I read this title as “The **Furry** Within” ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/65 "2005-08-05T17:44:32Z")
Let’s see what we’ve got happening on LMN in the next little while: **The Price She Paid** (1992) - A rapist seeks joint custody of the child the rape sired. Starring Loni Anderson **Papa’s Angels** (2000) - A mother’s death just before Christmas deeply affects her family. Starring Cynthia Nixon **Deep Family Secrets** (1997) - A wife disappears and her husband becomes a suspect in her apparent murder. Starring Angie Dickinson **Have You Seen My Son** (1996) - A distraught mother searches Mexico for her child, kidnapped by her ex-husband in the wake of a custody battle. Starring Lisa Hartman Black Oh Lord, it just keeps going and going, including movies with Helen Slater, Tracy Nelson, and yes, the inimitable Tori Spelling in another dangerously titled suspense thriller, Deadly Pursuits. She plays a lap dancer. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there’s a visual I didn’t need. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/66 "2005-08-05T17:47:18Z")
> [@Lute Skywatcher](#): > > That would be [The Fury Within](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0176739/combined), courtesy USA Network. **Lute** I hope you looked that up instead of having to sit through it. Consider it my sacrifce to the board. **Jackmannii** best laugh I’ve had today. ---
**Author:** ![Cynical\_Optimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Cynical\_Optimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cynical_Optimist)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/67 "2005-08-05T17:54:12Z")
> [@zweisamkeit](#): > > I love Lifetime Movies. To me, they’re like reading Chick tracts: both are so incredibly, horribly, awfully contrived, stupid and (insert other adjective of your choice). That’s what makes them entertaining! They’re pure comedy because _they don’t intend to be_ I never thought about it, but you’re 100% right. Could you imagine a Jack Chick Afterschool Special? Little Billy’s late mother is going to hell BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T ACCEPT JAYZUS AS HER SAVIOR! **HAW! HAW! HAW!** SpikeTV is also home of endless early-AM reruns of _Maximum Exposure_, home of the worst voice-over groaners: (paraphrased) Having spent two hours trying to get that stupid simian out of the sewer plant, you know those workers want to spank that monkey. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/68 "2005-08-05T17:56:49Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Wasn’t there a website called the Lifetime Movie Name Generator or something? Yes, thank you! I hate Lifetime. I only watch for the reruns of Golden Girls, Designing Women, Unsolved Mysteries. (They used to show Night Court too, I think). Television for women my ass. More like television for people whose brains have been scooped out, spun around in a blender, and then returned to their original cranium. ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/69 "2005-08-05T17:59:12Z")
> [@Stuffy](#): > > **Lute** I hope you looked that up instead of having to sit through it. Consider it my sacrifce to the board. 'Twas easy to find. All I had to do is see what Ally was in and that title jumped out. ---
**Author:** ![cabdude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@cabdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cabdude)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/70 "2005-08-05T18:05:28Z")
I watch it with my SO. Actually, make that I sit in the same room as my SO who is watching Australia’s equivalent ‘W (for women.)’ Everytime some ficitious male type person does something unfaithful/evil/despicable, I get a filthy look shot at me. Like **I’M** the selling the newborn for scientific experiments, or trolling the internet for dwarf porn. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/71 "2005-08-05T18:14:58Z")
> [@catsix](#): > > “I was looking at pornography? Is that what you want to hear?” I’m imagining that in the same tone as that kid in the old anti-drug commercial who tells his father, “You all right! I learned it by watching you!” Hehehehe. When I was in high school, my best friend and I used to watch those movies sometimes while talking on the phone and just give them the MST3K treatment. Mostly we’d just sit there laughing our asses off. Ooooh, I think I saw that “Video Voyeur” one. Or something like it. Then there was one called [Stalking Back](http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0107592/) which was based on a true story. It had the mom from _Major Dad_ and her daughter was being stalked by her softball coach for years until finally Mom lobbied for an anti-stalking law or something. Then there was another one I saw, with Doogie Howser and the kid who played Darlene’s boyfriend on _Roseanne_, where the latter was wanted for murdering their parents, or something, only it turned out that Doogie Howser did it. ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/72 "2005-08-05T18:19:57Z")
Well, at some point last night my head completely exploded, but most of the pieces are back in place, and whatever was irretrevably lost hopefully contains only memories of televised dreck and merciless wedgies. I’m with the folks mystified by the Lifetime phenomenon. It simply doesn’t approach the “so-bad-it’s-good” catagory (which, I humbly submit, Hair Metal patently does). It’s in the “so-bad-I-want-to-nuke-their-satellite” catagory. It’s got a formula; and that formula so offends the senses and corrodes the mind I can’t understand how anyone making a good-faith effort to entertain could conceive of such attrocities. To the people who enjoy Lifetime: I’m sorry. Truly. Please understand that I can even love one of your kind so much that I did blissfully promise to cleave unto her for the remainder of my natural years. But I fear it’s a kind of sickness. Help _me_ help _you_. Resist! (And thanks to all above for making this a more entertaining thread than the OP ever could). ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/73 "2005-08-05T18:20:50Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Then there was another one I saw, with Doogie Howser and the kid who played Darlene’s boyfriend on _Roseanne_, where the latter was wanted for murdering their parents, or something, only it turned out that Doogie Howser did it. I just **KNEW** that little bastard was up to no good. ---
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/74 "2005-08-05T18:28:02Z")
> [@Lord Ashtar](#): > > I just **KNEW** that little bastard was up to no good. NPH would never do that! only funny if you’ve seen “Harold & Kumar go to White Castle” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/75 "2005-08-05T18:43:15Z")
> [@badbadrubberpiggy](#): > > NPH would never do that! Just before I got to your post, I was thinking I would have to post “NPH would never do that!” “I left love stains. You’ll see.” ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/76 "2005-08-05T18:47:34Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > **Loopydude** , you obviously aren’t sensitive to women’s plights. That movie was brilliant. If you don’t get it, it says more about you than it does about the movie. You apparently have some morality issues. The way you write makes me really horny. I bet you’re even more sexy in person. Married life can be so stultifying. Let’s meet behind the strip club. I don’t use protection. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/77 "2005-08-05T18:48:48Z")
My Lifetime movies: Disease in the Night: The True Story of Rhiannon (husband, cancer) Leave My Kidnapped Son Alone: Rhiannon’s Story(son, kidnapping) Not Without My Emaciated Brother: Rhiannon 8404’s Story (brother, scurvy) ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/78 "2005-08-05T18:52:21Z")
My Infidelity Came First: The Truth About Tori ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/79 "2005-08-05T19:12:10Z")
> [@Loopydude](#): > > The way you write makes me really horny. If I had a nickel for every time someone said that to me, I’d have… …a nickel. ---
**Author:** ![Mirror\_Image\_egamI\_rorriM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e56c9b/32.png) [@Mirror\_Image\_egamI\_rorriM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mirror_Image_egamI_rorriM)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/80 "2005-08-05T19:29:49Z")
My Movie: **It’s My Pregnancy, Damn It**. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670.md?page=5)