# Must Lifetime Network movies suck quite so hard? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 5, 2005, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670 "2005-08-05T03:14:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/81 "2005-08-05T19:46:53Z")
> [@catsix](#): > > I thought that I had heard of/seen some pretty shitty movies in my time, but then one day the Lifetime TV was airing the gem that is _[Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life](http://imdb.com/title/tt0457270/)_ in which the teenage lead and his brother are caught on the Internet looking at porn that is no more suggestive or revealing than the swimsuit issue of _Sports Illustrated_. There’s a full-length review of this one over at [Something Awful](http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3006). It does sound truly ridiculous. ---
**Author:** ![Bambi\_Hassenpfeffer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Bambi\_Hassenpfeffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bambi_Hassenpfeffer)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/82 "2005-08-05T20:24:48Z")
Just FYI, you can get an A-Z list [here](http://www.lifetimetv.com/movies/archive/index.html) on LifetimeTV’s website. I watch these movies cause they are just so unbelievably awful. And they can scar a little too. Like in the case of [She Cried No](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117626/combined) (which they don’t currently air ☹ ), in which [Zack Morris](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004971/) date-rapes [DJ Tanner](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0121026/). I also loved [Death of a Cheerleader](http://www.lifetimetv.com/movies/info/move2535.html), featuring Kellie Martin, Tori Spelling, and Valerie Harper, as well as [WIFE, MOTHER, MURDERER: THE MARIE HILLEY STORY](http://www.lifetimetv.com/movies/info/move2024.html), starring Judith Light, with _enormous_ hair. BTW, you wanna know what the danger was in Mother May I Sleep with Danger? Credit card fraud. OOOOOOH, just terrifying. ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/83 "2005-08-05T20:33:16Z")
Found: [**The Lifetime Plot Generator!**](http://users.rcn.com/abby.interport/lifetime.htm) \*Valerie Bertinelli and Patrick Duffy star in “Danielle Steele’s RICH PEOPLE”, the true story of a woman who battles racism. Despite her husband’s abuse, with the help of the Christmas Spirit she eventually finds the courage to reconcile with her daughter. Tammy Lauren and Gerald McRaney star in “She Slept Alone”, the true story of a woman who battles satanic abuse. Despite her teen’s disgraceful wardrobe, with the help of alternative medicine she eventually finds the courage to raise her daughter on her own terms. Markie Post and Gary Cole star in “Not Without My Daughter’s Innocence”, the true story of a woman who battles racism. Despite her teen’s raging hormones, with the help of a concerned TV reporter she eventually finds the courage to reunite with her long-lost sister. Jaclyn Smith and Robert Urich star in “Danger in the Dark”, the true story of a woman who battles her runaway children. Despite her teen’s disgraceful wardrobe, with the help of the justice system she eventually finds the courage to make up for her lost childhood.\* ---
**Author:** ![vibrotronica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@vibrotronica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vibrotronica)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/84 "2005-08-05T21:00:12Z")
I had to interview a guy for my job who was a video and film producer. He primarily worked in commercials, but he told me he had finally completed the film he’d been working on for fifteen years. “It was on Lifetime last year around Christmas. Kate Jackson was in it. Did you see it?” I hadn’t seen it. “I’ve got some DVDs. Do you want one?” "Uhhhh… (btw: my Lifetime movie title generator result was _Leave My Naseous Baby Alone: The True Story of Angela_) ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/85 "2005-08-05T21:11:16Z")
> [@elmwood](#): > > Found: [**The Lifetime Plot Generator!**](http://users.rcn.com/abby.interport/lifetime.htm) Nope. Still not as funny as the actual movies they make. ---
**Author:** ![MaddyStrut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dbc845/32.png) [@MaddyStrut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaddyStrut)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/86 "2005-08-05T21:16:28Z")
> [@Bambi Hassenpfeffer](#): > > I also loved [Death of a Cheerleader](http://www.lifetimetv.com/movies/info/move2535.html), featuring Kellie Martin, Tori Spelling, and Valerie Harper,… Oh! I was just telling someone the other day that I swore I’d seen part of a movie in which Kellie Martin stabbed Tori Spelling! I mean, the movie sucked–but Kelli Martin got to STAB Tori Spelling! There’s also this classic: [She Woke Up Pregnant](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117627/) When we first saw the promos, none of us could believe it wasn’t satire! It was 1996. We were young and naively thought no one would seriously put out a movie like that. ---
**Author:** ![Greathouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/greathouse/32/2992_2.png) [@Greathouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greathouse)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/87 "2005-08-05T22:06:23Z")
> [@John Corrado](#): > > Don’t forget World’s Wildest Police Videos. > > Car crashes a gogo! Whee! I think the best show on Spike! is MXC. That show is fucking hilarious. The commentators will have me rolling on the floor. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/88 "2005-08-05T22:40:41Z")
The interesting thing about the Meredith Baxter movies is that there’s actually only one, but they digitally change her clothes and dub in the name of the new disease or social problem each week. > [@](#): > > \*\*SCRIPT: > > Climax of First Half of Movie: > > “I can’t believe that I have \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_. Why is there no more awareness of \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_? Why do women who have \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ get treated like second class citizens?” > > Final 15 Minutes: > > “I’d like to address this court and or Congressional Hearing not just on behalf of myself, but on behalf of all women with \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_. We aren’t just sufferers from \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_, but we’re your sisters, your mothers, your daughters, your washed up 80s sitcom stars whose infomercial skin care problems didn’t sell so they still have to do this if we want to keep the 90210 zip code, your neighbors…” You can fill in the \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ with “skin cancer”, “Spinoza’s Syndrome” (hasn’t been discovered yet but it will be), “Husbands who leave us for 15 Year Old Plus Sized Supermodels”, “Lyme Disease”, etc. and never have to actually reshoot it. The money to edit it is offset by the Klorox ads so those funds from the local ‘Big Junior’s Used Dodge’ and ‘Sister Mary’s Palmistry, Waffle and Chicken Hut’ are Lifetime’s to keep. ---
**Author:** ![NDP](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ndp/32/55_2.png) [@NDP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NDP)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/89 "2005-08-05T23:05:55Z")
> [@catsix](#): > > I thought that I had heard of/seen some pretty shitty movies in my time, but then one day the Lifetime TV was airing the gem that is Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life in which the teenage lead and his brother are caught on the Internet looking at porn that is no more suggestive or revealing than the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated. > [@Max Torque](#): > > There’s a full-length review of this one over at [Something Awful](http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3006). It does sound truly ridiculous. It’s even more ridiculous when you consider that the actress playing the worried mom is (of all people) Kelly Lynch. As the Something Awful mentions, Lynch has done of number of scenes in movies that have inevitably ended up being featured on various web sites that can be best described with acronym NSFW. Given this fact, it’s too bad **Cyber Seduction** didn’t feature some kind of meta scene where Justin and one of his friends are surfing for porn on the net when they come across one of the many “naked celeb” sites. Justin’s Friend: “Hey, that chick looks like your mom!” Justin: “That’s not funny.” Justin’s Friend: “Seriously. That chick doing a full-frontal looks just like your mom. Take a good look.” Justin [closely examining the familiar-looking naked actress on the monitor’s screen]: "Mom? It can’t be … but it is! " Justin’s Friend [intensely viewing the screen]: “Yeah, that’s definitely her. Whoa!” Justin [abruptly covering his eyes in horror]: “No! No! No! No!” Justin’s Friend: “What are you so upset about? She’s got a great ass.” Justin [jumping up from the chair]: “Shut up! Shut up!” Justin’s Friend: “How about her rack? Is it real?” Justin [runs traumatized and screaming from the room]: “Aaaaaaggghhhhhh!” BTW, I’ve never seen the movie in question. I just read some of the reviews. > [@Cynical Optimist](#): > > SpikeTV is also home of endless early-AM reruns of Maximum Exposure, home of the worst voice-over groaners: (paraphrased) Having spent two hours trying to get that stupid simian out of the sewer plant, you know those workers want to spank that monkey. At least SpikeTV will occasionally have interesting things like marathons of all the James Bond or **Godfather** movies. Lifetime rarely has anything like that. (Although, a short time ago, it had **Goodfellas** in heavy rotation for some odd reason.) ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2005, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/90 "2005-08-06T00:40:26Z")
Gotta admit it. I inadvertently channel smurfed onto Lifetime one night and watched a movie about some guy who was a real bastard, his daughters were denied education and used a farmhands, and there was a subplot about some fellow who allegedly was the love child of bastard’s wife and some other guy-a child whom she’d been forced to give up for adoption, and another woman who was trying to improve the lot of all the other women who were under bastard father’s thumb. Daughter gets knocked up, the harvest burns, wife of bastard tells him to fucko off-a truly barfulous ending. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2005, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/91 "2005-08-06T02:33:31Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > [Yep](http://www.timbland.com/bredbox/movietitle.php). I got \*\*Hillary: I Loved My Disappearance Too Much ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2005, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/92 "2005-08-06T02:36:21Z")
> [@Evil Captor](#): > > I got \*\*Hillary: I Loved My Disappearance Too Much I just know there’s a political joke in there somewhere… ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2005, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/93 "2005-08-06T06:29:47Z")
> [@Max Torque](#): > > There’s a full-length review of this one over at [Something Awful](http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3006). It does sound truly ridiculous. Now see, any intelligent woman would be more worried about the spyware and viruses that one can get from visiting internet porn sites. I watched one movie on Lifetime with Robert Urich, where he was this ultra-controlling dad, who forced his daughters to marry guys he chose, but when one of them didn’t, he killed his son-in-law (Matthew Perry, I think), and then eventually one of his daughters killed him, or something. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2005, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/94 "2005-08-06T16:18:32Z")
[Deadly Relations](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106687/combined) with Urich as the truly oddly named Leonard J Fagot. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2005, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/95 "2005-08-06T20:43:29Z")
> [@Otto](#): > > [Deadly Relations](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106687/combined) with Urich as the truly oddly named Leonard J Fagot. That was the actual villain’s real name, as I recall. Urich _did_ turn in a really wooden performance. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Rieux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Dr.Rieux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Rieux)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2005, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/96 "2005-08-07T04:20:17Z")
I got **The Lesion that Love Made: The Story of Mona**. ---
**Author:** ![Wolfian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/7ea924/32.png) [@Wolfian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolfian)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2005, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/97 "2005-08-07T04:50:53Z")
> [@Greathouse](#): > > I think the best show on Spike! is MXC. That show is fucking hilarious. The commentators will have me rolling on the floor. Right you are, **Greathouse**. This thread is entirely too much fun. ---
**Author:** ![Jurhael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/cab0a1/32.png) [@Jurhael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jurhael)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2005, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/98 "2005-08-07T19:39:03Z")
Deadly Relations was actually based on a true story, it seems. Looking at the Lifetime titles, all I have to do is read the summaries and figure out what’s decent and what is just godawful. Unfortunately, many are in the latter and it seems that the IMDB generally agrees. Some of those movies (like Airspeed and Cyberseduction) got really low ratings. Deadly relations got a five. It’s fun reading the reviews of these movies. Heh. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2005, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/99 "2005-08-07T20:29:52Z")
Not Lifetime related (I think it ran on CBS), but anybody remember a potboiler where the _woman_ was the psycho? The one I’m thinking of starred Ann-Margret as the ultra-jealous wife of Peter Coyote. I think he killed her. Or someone killed her. Anyway, there was a trial. How uncommon is this, I wonder, having the male lead as the poor beset victim? I assume that, at the very least, it bars Lifetime ever picking the pic up. ---
**Author:** ![Campion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@Campion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Campion)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2005, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670/100 "2005-08-07T21:02:42Z")
> [@Beware of Doug](#): > > Not Lifetime related (I think it ran on CBS), but anybody remember a potboiler where the _woman_ was the psycho? The one I’m thinking of starred Ann-Margret as the ultra-jealous wife of Peter Coyote. I think he killed her. Or someone killed her. Anyway, there was a trial. [Seduced by Madness: The Diane Borchardt Story](http://www.lifetimetv.com/movies/info/move0473.html/), a purportedly true tale of a Wisconsin teacher (Ann-Margaret) who hired students to kill her husband (Peter Coyote) when he fell in love with someone else. It doesn’t quite fit with your description (Peter Coyote’s character is murdered), but there’s likely to be a trial. It showed on Lifetime, by the way. > [@Beware of Doug](#): > > How uncommon is this, I wonder, having the male lead as the poor beset victim? I assume that, at the very least, it bars Lifetime ever picking the pic up. Lifetime shows psycho women movies _all the time_. From what I can tell, there’s three categories of Lifetime movies: straight-up sappy romances; psycho chick goes crazy; and good girl gets stalked/attacked/threatened by a man/town/computer/social issue/disease, but ultimately she prevails by believing in her own strength. Besides, you’re looking at it the wrong way: it’s not a movie about a man as a “poor beset victim,” it’s about a woman who goes crazy and takes things too far. The man is just incidental. 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/must-lifetime-network-movies-suck-quite-so-hard/315670.md?page=6)