# My 16yo son ignored Mother's Day. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 10, 2015, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727 "2015-05-10T21:52:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 14
**Author:** ![Grotonian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c2a13f/32.png) [@Grotonian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grotonian)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/261 "2015-05-16T13:38:41Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > A step mother is a woman who married your father. Don’t go redefining words to complain about others redefining words. That’s stupid. Sorry, the boy has a mother and a female step-father. A step-father is a person who married your mother, right? I can’t see how this adds clarity but I will bow to your definition. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/262 "2015-05-16T13:47:04Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > A step mother is a woman who married your father. Don’t go redefining words to complain about others redefining words. That’s stupid. A step mother is also a woman who married your mom. I think that’s a reasonable interpretation. If one of the moms in this family died, and the other remarried, I think we would all call the new wife a step mom. But a parent who reared you from infancy (and may have legally adopted you) is not a “step” anything. The step mother steps in after the mother dies or is divorced by the dad (or other mom). Step-parent relationships have all sorts of complications that don’t exist in this case, where the child has been reared from birth in a stable family situation. It’s misleading at best to use “step-mother” for this family. (And the best description of an anonymous sperm donor is “sperm donor”. It takes more than sperm to be a dad.) ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/263 "2015-05-16T13:55:35Z")
> [@Grotonian](#): > > The boy does not have two mothers; he has a mother and a step-mother. Any other assertion is inaccurate (I wouldn’t dare call it “propaganda” because we all saw how that went over.) Forcing a child to call a step-mother, “mom”, is often met with mixed results, regardless of the parents’ sexual preference. If lesbian parents are “exactly the same” as heterosexual ones, I would expect the OP to know this. > > The boy has a father, whom he has never met. The reason the boy has a mother, a step-mother, and no relationship with his father is because that is the situation that suited his lesbian mother. He was never consulted. (As an aside, I can assure you that I would have never preferred my-mother’s-lesbian-lover as a parent over my father, but maybe I’m just a bigot who thinks fathers have value. We all know that, really, two lesbians are “EXACTLY THE SAME” as a mother and father.) > > Now the boy is acting “passive aggressive,” according to the OP, on Mother’s Day. And she hasn’t the foggiest idea why. But what she DOES KNOW is that it has nothing to do with her being a lesbian, even though the boy’s entire family structure is a direct result of her lesbianism. > > Yeah, let’s just all go with that; only a bigot would suggest otherwise. Despite what you claim, you actually can’t read the mind of a 16 year old you’ve never met. You really don’t know what he’s thinking. He may actually think of both women as his moms, and neither one as his step-mom. They may be an entirely happy and functional family, with all their needs met. And it really may not be your place to decide what’s right for this family, and what the roles of the parents are or should be, and what they really think about each other. ---
**Author:** ![Grotonian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c2a13f/32.png) [@Grotonian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grotonian)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/264 "2015-05-16T14:12:56Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > Step-parent relationships have all sorts of complications that don’t exist in this case, where the child has been reared from birth in a stable family situation. It’s misleading at best to use “step-mother” for this family. No, this relation has a glaring similarity to other step relationships: mom #2’s connections to the boy-- maternal, legal, and emotional,–derive solely through her relationship with mom #1. At the boy’s birth, the women could not have been married, nor was mom#2 an adoptive mother. If since then, the women have married or an adoption has taken place, those events occurred solely through the encouragement of the birth mother. They only occurred because she CHOSE them for her son. The effect of those choices on her son, and the interpretation of those choices from a 15/16-year-old mind are beyond the scope of this thread and the OP has made it clear that any such speculation, unless it be laudatory, would be unwelcome. But as to why he may choose Mother’s Day to be passive-aggressive, one reason certainly suggests itself. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/265 "2015-05-16T14:16:18Z")
> [@Grotonian](#): > > Sorry, the boy has a mother and a female step-father. A step-father is a person who married your mother, right? I can’t see how this adds clarity but I will bow to your definition. They were together 5+ years before he was born, so step-anything doesn’t enter into it. You’re just wrong. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/266 "2015-05-16T14:28:31Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > They were together 5+ years before he was born, so step-anything doesn’t enter into it. You’re just wrong. Not unless they were married outside the US. Same sex marriages were first legally performed in the US just about 11 years ago, May 17, 2004. > **[Same-sex marriage in Massachusetts](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Same-sex_marriage_in_Massachusetts)** > > Recognized > Same-sex marriage has been legally recognized in Massachusetts since May 17, 2004, as a result of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court (SJC) ruling in Goodridge v. Department of Public Health that it was unconstitutional under the Constitution of Massachusetts to allow only opposite-sex couples to marry. Massachusetts was the sixth jurisdiction in the world to legalize same-sex marriage after the Netherlands, Belgium, Ontario, British Columbia, and Quebec. It was the first U.... But it didn’t really matter what the legal status was. I know a couple who adopted an infant, who is now older than 16, without ever legally marrying each other. (Tax avoidance, I think.) Nonetheless, they act like a married couple, and I’m sure their child (who isn’t genetically related to either one) thinks of them as his parents, not as step parents. A step parent is someone who becomes your parent after you already have other parents, by virtue of their relationship with one of your parents already-existing-parents. That’s simply not the case in this household which was already established before the child was born. Now, adoptive kids sometime go through a period when they long for their birth parent, and perhaps something like that is going on. Teens are complicated creatures. But that seems so much less likely than “teenage boys aren’t usually into mother’s day.” Occam’s razor and all that. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/267 "2015-05-16T14:32:23Z")
> [@Grotonian](#): > > No, this relation has a glaring similarity to other step relationships: mom #2’s connections to the boy-- maternal, legal, and emotional,–derive solely through her relationship with mom #1… It seems extremely unlikely that the moms didn’t decide on this together. And it’s pretty much impossible that the emotional tie between a child and a woman who raised him from infancy isn’t based primarily on the interactions the two have had. ---
**Author:** ![Grotonian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c2a13f/32.png) [@Grotonian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grotonian)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/268 "2015-05-16T14:33:56Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > They were together 5+ years before he was born, so step-anything doesn’t enter into it. You’re just wrong. Fine, but I think you’re being unnecessarily cruel. I’ll concede that at the boy’s birth mom #2 was neither his mother nor his step-mother, but 16 years of love and support from mom#2 should count for something. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/269 "2015-05-16T14:35:39Z")
> [@Grotonian](#): > > No, this relation has a glaring similarity to other step relationships: mom #2’s connections to the boy-- maternal, legal, and emotional,–derive solely through her relationship with mom #1. How do you know? How do you know it wasn’t derived through genuine love and devotion? Why do you claim to know things you couldn’t possibly know about strangers? > [@](#): > > The effect of those choices on her son, and the interpretation of those choices from a 15/16-year-old mind are beyond the scope of this thread and the OP has made it clear that any such speculation, unless it be laudatory, would be unwelcome. I see no reason why you’d have any insight into the effect on a child you’ve never met. His two moms are the only parents he’s ever known. > [@](#): > > But as to why he may choose Mother’s Day to be passive-aggressive, one reason certainly suggests itself. Because he’s a 16 year old boy, and 16 year old boys are sometimes passive-aggressive and obnoxious? ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/270 "2015-05-16T14:38:59Z")
> [@Grotonian](#): > > Fine, but I think you’re being unnecessarily cruel. …says the guy making sweeping, negative judgments about a family he’s never met and about things he couldn’t possibly know. ---
**Author:** ![Grotonian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c2a13f/32.png) [@Grotonian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grotonian)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/271 "2015-05-16T14:45:09Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > …says the guy making sweeping, negative judgments about a family he’s never met and about things he couldn’t possibly know. Sorry. I didn’t realize the rest of you knew the family so well. My bad. I thought this was, “In My Humble Opinion” on an Internet message board. Golly, is my face red. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/272 "2015-05-16T14:49:49Z")
> [@Grotonian](#): > > Sorry. I didn’t realize the rest of you knew the family so well. My bad. I thought this was, “In My Humble Opinion” on an Internet message board. Golly, is my face red. I don’t know the family, so I take the mother’s word – she knows the family a lot better than I do. You’re free to make your opinion, and I’m free to challenge it and mock it, if I think it’s warranted. When you tell a mother that you’ve never met that her family is screwed up because she’s made poor decisions, then I think that opinion is worth challenging and mocking. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/273 "2015-05-16T15:01:03Z")
> [@Grotonian](#): > > Fine, but I think you’re being unnecessarily cruel. I’ll concede that at the boy’s birth mom #2 was neither his mother nor his step-mother, but 16 years of love and support from mom#2 should count for something. I don’t get it. All I have said to you is that “step-mother” is the wrong word to use. How are you inferring cruelty in to that? ---
**Author:** ![Grotonian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c2a13f/32.png) [@Grotonian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grotonian)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/274 "2015-05-16T15:21:57Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > I don’t know the family, so I take the mother’s word – she knows the family a lot better than I do. > > You’re free to make your opinion, and I’m free to challenge it and mock it, if I think it’s warranted. When you tell a mother that you’ve never met that her family is screwed up because she’s made poor decisions, then I think that opinion is worth challenging and mocking. I never suggested the family is “screwed up,” nor did I characterize her decisions as “poor.” I have no idea where you got that. By all indications, her family is NOT “screwed up,” nor we’re her decisions “poor”; but they were her decisions. Her household has an atypical mothering situation. Her problem was her son’s passive-aggressive (her descriptor) response to Mother’s Day, two years running. You, the OP, and the vast majority of posters in this thread all agree the two are NOT related. Fine by me. Why, yes, the emperor sure does have a lovely new set of clothes. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/275 "2015-05-16T15:29:32Z")
> [@Grotonian](#): > > Fine, but I think you’re being unnecessarily cruel. I’ll concede that at the boy’s birth mom #2 was neither his mother nor his step-mother, but 16 years of love and support from mom#2 should count for something. Why would he not be his mother? This particular child has two mothers. [QUOTE=Merriam Webster] 1mother noun moth·er \ˈmə-thər\ Definition of MOTHER 1 a : a female parent b (1) : a woman in authority; specifically : the superior of a religious community of women (2) : an old or elderly woman 2 : source, origin \ [/QUOTE] No other modifier is needed to further explain the relationship. Step-mother provides additional information that doesn’t apply here. Adoptive mother may apply, but is unnecessary since that also has specific connotations (that the child is brought into the family after being born to completely unrelated parents). For all we know, it was Mom #2’s egg that was implanted into Mom #1, so Mom #2 would be biologically related. To use anything other than mother to describe the relationship of the child to his parents is utterly misleading. Finally, to value two mothers as parents does nothing to de-value the role of fathers, any more than valuing two fathers as parents de-values mothers. To value same sex marriage, for example, does not devalue heterosexual marriage. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/276 "2015-05-16T15:35:23Z")
> [@Grotonian](#): > > I never suggested the family is “screwed up,” nor did I characterize her decisions as “poor.” I have no idea where you got that. By all indications, her family is NOT “screwed up,” nor we’re her decisions “poor”; but they were her decisions. You made judgments that one of the moms was not really a “mom”, characterized her in a way you couldn’t possibly know (that the only connection she had as a parent was through her partner), and you strongly implied that the child was in a lesser quality family by saying that you would never have chosen to be raised by two women instead of a man and a woman. Lots of kids forget mother’s day or do otherwise passive-aggressive actions. Most such kids belong to different-sex parents. Why would you assume this is involved at all in this case? > [@](#): > > Her household has an atypical mothering situation. Today, nearly every family (single parents, divorced parents, mixed-race parents, mixed-religion parents, kids raised by grandparents/aunts/uncles, adopted kids, foster kids, same-sex parents, separated-age parents, stay-home dads/moms, could be described by this in some way, depending on the perspective. If the two women are loving and devoted parents, then we could easily describe them as having a very “typical” mothering situation. This sort of ‘analysis’ tells us nothing, except perhaps about your own prejudices. > [@](#): > > Her problem was her son’s passive-aggressive (her descriptor) response to Mother’s Day, two years running. You, the OP, and the vast majority of posters in this thread all agree the two are NOT related. > > Fine by me. Why, yes, the emperor sure does have a lovely new set of clothes. Why would you know better than the mother that this is the cause? Why would this be the cause of something that’s incredibly common among different-sex parents? There’s no data that same-sex parents are any worse than different-sex parents. There’s no data that suggests that any of the bigoted assertions by homophobes and others who disapprove of homosexual relationships or parents are true. So you’re making wild guesses which are contrary to the information we’re getting from the mother, and I take her word over yours. ---
**Author:** ![Grotonian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c2a13f/32.png) [@Grotonian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grotonian)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/277 "2015-05-16T16:14:08Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Why would he not be his mother? This particular child has two mothers. “Parent-one who begets a child.” From your source, not mine. > **[Merriam-Webster: America's Most Trusted Dictionary](https://www.merriam-webster.com/)** > > Find definitions for over 300,000 words from the most authoritative English dictionary. Continuously updated with new words and meanings. You can use any definition you choose, as can I. The relevant question is not which Merriam-Webster definition we’re going to choose, but how the boy interprets his situation. If he agrees he has two “mothers,” then it’s settled. However, if the boy feels his situation is ambiguous and doesn’t care to acknowledge Mother’s Day, this may be the 2nd of many Mother’s Days he’s going to sit out. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/278 "2015-05-16T16:17:10Z")
> [@Grotonian](#): > > However, if the boy feels his situation is ambiguous and doesn’t care to acknowledge Mother’s Day, this may be the 2nd of many Mother’s Days he’s going to sit out. I see no reason to believe this is the case. I don’t think this is any more likely than it would be if the parents were a man and a woman, assuming the child was similarly raised by the same two people since infancy. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/279 "2015-05-16T16:32:23Z")
> [@Grotonian](#): > > “Parent-one who begets a child.” From your source, not mine. > [Merriam-Webster: America's Most Trusted Dictionary](http://i.word.com/idictionary/parent) > > You can use any definition you choose, as can I. > > The relevant question is not which Merriam-Webster definition we’re going to choose, but how the boy interprets his situation. If he agrees he has two “mothers,” then it’s settled. However, if the boy feels his situation is ambiguous and doesn’t care to acknowledge Mother’s Day, this may be the 2nd of many Mother’s Days he’s going to sit out. Way to miss the point. It’s not that other definitions exist (I even included them), it’s that a definition that specifically describes this case exists! So, by your definition, the year my son didn’t acknowledge my birthday is because he thinks my birth is ambiguous? I’m sure he know that his moms are his moms. He just doesn’t have someone (a father, aunt, grandparent) to help make it happen. Just like what may happen in single mom household and or even in heterosexual two-parent households. If my husband hadn’t nudged and cajoled my kids into remembering to do something, I guess we’d be talking about how my kids think me being their mom is ambiguous. ---
**Author:** ![Grotonian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c2a13f/32.png) [@Grotonian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grotonian)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2015, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727/280 "2015-05-16T17:04:04Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Way to miss the point. It’s not that other definitions exist (I even included them), it’s that a definition that specifically describes this case exists! > > So, by your definition, the year my son didn’t acknowledge my birthday is because he thinks my birth is ambiguous? I’m sure he know that his moms are his moms. He just doesn’t have someone (a father, aunt, grandparent) to help make it happen. Just like what may happen in single mom household and or even in heterosexual two-parent households. If my husband hadn’t nudged and cajoled my kids into remembering to do something, I guess we’d be talking about how my kids think me being their mom is ambiguous. No, way for you to miss the point. He didn’t forget Mother’s Day; he ignored it. His biological mother, one of two co-equal mothers he has, claimed it felt passive-aggressive. When a child with two mothers chooses to PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY IGNORE Mother’s Day, there may be a reason other than forgetfulness. Duh. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727.md?page=13) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-16yo-son-ignored-mothers-day/719727.md?page=15)