# My 7 years old son is being bullied in school... what to do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 11, 2008, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532 "2008-10-11T23:45:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Southern\_Yankee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/southern_yankee/32/2800_2.png) [@Southern\_Yankee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Southern_Yankee)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2008, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/21 "2008-10-12T17:02:41Z")
What about speaking directly to the parents of the bullies? Is there a “head bully”? When I was around that age there was a bully in my neighborhood who used to push me off my bike whenever he had the chance. He was two years older a quite a bit bigger. I avoided him when I could but he still got me a few times. I finally told my father and he immediately put me in the car and drove to the bully’s house. We walked to the door and rang the bell. The boy’s father answered the door, and my father calmly told him what his son was doing. The father was a bit indignant at fist, but he said he’d speak to the boy. He never bothered me again. I realize the results could have been different, but the parents are the best ones to deal with behavior like that, if they’re willing, and sometimes they aren’t aware. ---
**Author:** ![MoodIndigo1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@MoodIndigo1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MoodIndigo1)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2008, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/22 "2008-10-12T18:09:08Z")
> [@spoike](#): > > I understand exactly what you’re going through, and offer my sympathies to you and your son. > > As to what to do, given that you’ve already spoken to the teacher and nothing has been done, I think you have no choice but to go to the principal. I also think that fighting back is probably not the way to go, both because of the others attacking him in groups, as you mentioned, but also because if he reacts violently, he’s going to end up being punished too (assuming anyone at the school moves to punish the violence at some point). > > If the bullying does not stop even after you’ve talked to the principal, I can’t see any other option than pulling him out of his current school. The bullying won’t stop unless someone stops it, and if no one at school will, you’re going to have be the ones that do. He can’t keep suffering like this, and I really don’t think it’s the coward’s way out. We had to make that decision for our son 6 years ago, and it was the best decision we ever made. > > I think you might find Barbara Coloroso’s book [_The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School–How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence_](http://www.amazon.com/Bully-Bullied-Bystander-Preschool-School-How/dp/006001430X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1223770166&sr=8-2) helpful to look at. I’ve not read the book itself, only some essays and excerpts, but found them insightful and helpful. > > As well, please keep talking to your son, and listening to him. At this point, he really needs to be reminded constantly that there are people on his side who care about him and who are trying to stop what’s being done to him. Most importantly, he needs to be told repeatedly that it’s not his fault. I know you’re probably already doing it, but the importance of it cannot be overestimated. > > Finally, I just wanted to say that it’s very clear you love your son, and I think he’s very lucky to have someone like you in his corner. I want to add my support to this post, and to Oregon Sunshines. It’s well near impossible to expect a 7-year-old to take on the bullies, or to use tactics that an older child might use effectively. Moving a child within a school MIGHT help, but can you take chances? As a retired teacher (32 years experience), I’ve seen all kinds of situations, and for the good of the child, I think it’s better to remove him from the school, and teach him how to deal with that type of act, should it occur. My teacher, an elementary school teacher for almost as many years, says that more than a few times she’s taken into her class children who were moved from one school to another in order to give them a second chance at starting clean, in a place where no one knows their “history” (interestingly enough, some of those moved had been bullies in their former school!). The fact that your was fine in kindergarten should offer some hope. He can be told that in the new school the children will be more like his kindergarten “friends”, and how to act if a child in this new school behaves badly towards him. It’s heartbreaking, I know. If by some chance you have no possibility of him changing schools, be sure to talk to the teacher and principal. It’s up to them to fix things. The bullies should be dealt with at any rate, parents should be called in, they need to learn that the behaviour is totally unacceptable, even if your son leaves that school. He’s lucky he has you looking out for him. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2008, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/23 "2008-10-12T18:59:33Z")
Since the children are all the same age, and one would assume of roughly the same size, you can offer him this immediate advice. Fight back, but if they gang up on you, don’t get scared, scream, kick, flail, bite, yank hair, rip clothes, Basically go nuts. Make yourself NOT WORTH IT. He is too young to learn effective fighting techniques, but most kids that age don’t fight with any practice or finnesse anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2008, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/24 "2008-10-12T19:52:05Z")
I was going to say find out the school’s policy on bullying, document everything, and threaten litigation if things don’t go as they’re supposed to in situations like these. Stand up and fight for your child’s right not to be bullied. But then I saw that you said you live in Serbia, and I don’t know what your child’s rights are in that country, so I’ll instead recommend that you rent the movie _The Hand That Rocks The Cradle_ and see if that gives you some idea of what to do. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![kevja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/aeb1de/32.png) [@kevja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kevja)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2008, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/25 "2008-10-12T20:17:26Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > Since the children are all the same age, and one would assume of roughly the same size, you can offer him this immediate advice. Fight back, but if they gang up on you, don’t get scared, scream, kick, flail, bite, yank hair, rip clothes, Basically go nuts. Make yourself NOT WORTH IT. He is too young to learn effective fighting techniques, but most kids that age don’t fight with any practice or finnesse anyway. there’s been a lot of good advice throughout the thread, but i agree with this. it’s not as if it’s a bar-room bully that you can run out of the bar, get in your car and never go back. informing the principal idea is good. s/he should be aware of the problem. but this kid is going to have to face these kids everyday. he may get his butt kicked a few times when he fights back, but he’s also going to show them that while he is not a bully or someone who starts fights, he someone who \*\*stands up for himself. \*\* Instead of being seen as a wuss. i bet it will only take one or two times to make the point. in fact if he just acts as if he’ll fight back, the bully may stop. i’m speaking from experience when i was a kid. it worked! and i’m the son of a retired principal. he didn’t condone fighting, but he was all for standing up for yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2008, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/26 "2008-10-13T00:26:11Z")
Sign him up for karate class. Tell your kid that if someone hits him, he has every right to hit them back harder. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2008, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/27 "2008-10-13T05:13:29Z")
Be sure to tell him how proud you are of him for being so brave. The other boys are not learning about courage, but he is! That is his secret! (You may want to get him in another class after you talk with the principal anyway. This teacher sounds like a disgrace to the profession.) (I’m retired.) ---
**Author:** ![papataz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9de053/32.png) [@papataz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/papataz)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2008, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/28 "2008-10-13T05:37:51Z")
Well, I’m off to speak to the principal… I’m so upset that I slept less than three hours. The plan is to ask the principal to let him change shifts, so that he would have no contact with the bullies. If she lets him join the class where eight of his preschool buddies are, that’ ll be _ideal_. I’ll let you folks know how it went (and post some more coherent comments) after the meeting. Once again, thanks a lot! ---
**Author:** ![papataz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9de053/32.png) [@papataz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/papataz)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2008, 11:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/29 "2008-10-13T11:27:03Z")
Well, it’s been done - in half an hour, my son’s gonna go to the other shift, to attend class where his preschool pals are… Hope it turns out OK for him. We spoke to the principal first, and we filed a written complaint there, listing all the instances of troubles he got into and the teacher failed to respond to. I was pleasantly surprised at how well things went with her, to be honest. But, then we went to let the teacher know what’s going on, and… and… let me just tell you, I’m more convinced now than ever that woman is nuts. Among other things she said “We got the worst **desks** in the entire school, our working conditions are horrible”. What does that have to do with anything, you tell me. So, yeah, it’s a fresh start for us. Thank you once again for all the great advice, we’ll keep it in mind even now :). ---
**Author:** ![Obeseus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbce88/32.png) [@Obeseus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Obeseus)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2008, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/30 "2008-10-13T12:00:26Z")
I had the same problem when my son was nine. I talked to the teacher and the principal, who claimed they would monitor the situation, yet the problem continued. It got to the point where my son didn’t even want to go to school. The final straw was when the teacher sent my son to the bathroom with the main bully as his bathroom buddy. (Due to someone being destructive in the boys bathroom, when a boy needed to use the bathroom, the boy sitting nearest him had to also go as a witness to his behavior.) Anyway, the teacher was numb enough to send the bully with my son, and the kid slammed my son against a wall. He told the teacher, but the bully said my son tripped. I went to the school the next morning and my son pointed out two of the bullies. I asked them where their fathers were. One didn’t have one, while the other said he was at work, which turned out to be about 30 miles away. I asked for specifics as I would like to pay him a viist. The kid said he didn’t know. So I said, “I’ll tell you what. From now on, every time you hit my son, I’m going to hit your father. When he gets sick of getting his ass kicked, he’ll straighten you out. Now I’m going inside to talk to the teacher and the principal.” I went in and reamed out the teacher, then spoke with the principal. I let them both know that this problem would be fixed, or we’d all be sitting in the superintendent’s office. The principal called me a couple of hours later. She said she called the bullies on the carpet, and they starting bawling. They were never a problem again, and they actually later became friends. They’ve been to the house a number of times. They don’t have much of a home life. ---
**Author:** ![phall0106](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/phall0106/32/5934_2.png) [@phall0106](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phall0106)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2008, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/31 "2008-10-13T13:10:28Z")
Hallboy went through this in public school in the third grade. The bullying was pretty bad (along the lines of what the OP described) and I had a kid who had LOVED school, crying that he didn’t want to go and displaying some of what is described by the OP. I followed protocol–met with teacher, met with teacher and principal, met with principal. It finally got so bad I went to the principal and told her that if my son came home and reported one more incident, my first phone call would be to the police, my second to the media, my third to the superintendent, and THEN I would call her. Told her she and her staff had better watch my kid like a hawk, and they did. No more incidents throughout the remainder of the school year. Hallboy finished out the school year (at this point, about one or two months) and I enrolled him in a private school. (Our options were severely limited–couldn’t afford to move to another school district, could barely afford the private school and then it wasn’t without a hefty scholarship, and homeschooling wasn’t an option because as a single parent, I had to work.) The school, which was a charter school, has now closed its doors. I hear that there were other kids in the same position as Hallboy. This isn’t the Pit, so I’ll end my post now without going into details about what I thought of the entire situation. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2008, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/32 "2008-10-13T13:46:14Z")
> [@trupa](#): > > …snip… > > Also, get him forethewith into an effective self-defence martial art class. Any karate school, or jiu-jitsu, hapkido, boxing or kick-boxing. I would stay avoid judo or Tae-Kwon-Do. Reasonably good advice up to here. Both Judo and Taekwondo are excellent defensive martial arts which will stand him in good stead. > [@](#): > > Yes, this is teaching him how to fight. Ideally, the confidence gained will eliminate the need to use the skills. But learning to fight effectively, even at the elementary school-yard level, takes time, especially if you start with an already scared kid. If all your administrative measure above come to naught, he may have to settle this the old fashion way, but you will have hopefully prepared a thorough case for self-defense with all your documenting, and given him time to acquire some skills. > > If it comes down to this, and hopefully it wont, he must take on the “leader” of the harassers, otherwise he will have to fight them all, one by one, and that will give him a problem in his file as frequently violent, which you don’t want. He must inflict enough damage in one fight to permanently deter the leader and his gang from coming back, so that means more than one lucky punch. He must not humiliate the leader, or mock him, or give him any reason to escalate a retaliation, just communicate the message that **kid-taz** is no longer worth hassling. There will be a disciplinary meeting of some sort, but for a first time offense, especially with the background of the situation, he should get off relatively lightly. And here is where we part ways. Never accept “getting off relatively lightly”. This is where the parent has to go on the warpath, so to speak. If the school attempts to punish the child for defending him/herself from a physical attack, the school is wrong. Period, end of statement. I teach martial arts, and that includes teaching kids how to withstand bullies. And I teach the parents that they need to be prepared to bring criminal charges against the principal and staff of the school, in addition to civil charges against them and the school board as well. Do not back down, do not accept a compromise, do not accept anything less than the attacker(s) being expelled and your child having absolutely no repercussions whatsoever. No suspension, no “note in the file”, no nothing. Zero tolerance is a copout. It’s a sorry excuse for not accepting responsibility on the part of the school board, and it causes far more problems than it cures. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2008, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/33 "2008-10-13T13:54:43Z")
> [@papataz](#): > > Well, it’s been done - in half an hour, my son’s gonna go to the other shift, to attend class where his preschool pals are… Hope it turns out OK for him. > > We spoke to the principal first, and we filed a written complaint there, listing all the instances of troubles he got into and the teacher failed to respond to. I was pleasantly surprised at how well things went with her, to be honest. > > But, then we went to let the teacher know what’s going on, and… and… let me just tell you, I’m more convinced now than ever that woman is nuts. Among other things she said “We got the worst **desks** in the entire school, our working conditions are horrible”. What does that have to do with anything, you tell me. > > So, yeah, it’s a fresh start for us. Thank you once again for all the great advice, we’ll keep it in mind even now :). Wonderful news! And yes, I think that teacher does sound nuts. What a strange reply. ---
**Author:** ![spoike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/da6949/32.png) [@spoike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spoike)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2008, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/34 "2008-10-13T14:39:45Z")
> [@papataz](#): > > …We spoke to the principal first, and we filed a written complaint there, listing all the instances of troubles he got into and the teacher failed to respond to. I was pleasantly surprised at how well things went with her, to be honest… Fantastic! The written complaint is an especially positive sign, I would say. It seems to indicate the principal is taking the problem seriously. The teacher, on the other hand, sounds like a complete waste of time. I hope things improve for your son. Good luck with the fresh start! ---
**Author:** ![Omega\_Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7c8e57/32.png) [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2008, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/35 "2008-10-13T14:41:29Z")
> [@papataz](#): > > Well, it’s been done - in half an hour, my son’s gonna go to the other shift, to attend class where his preschool pals are… Hope it turns out OK for him. > > We spoke to the principal first, and we filed a written complaint there, listing all the instances of troubles he got into and the teacher failed to respond to. I was pleasantly surprised at how well things went with her, to be honest. > > But, then we went to let the teacher know what’s going on, and… and… let me just tell you, I’m more convinced now than ever that woman is nuts. Among other things she said “We got the worst **desks** in the entire school, our working conditions are horrible”. What does that have to do with anything, you tell me. > > So, yeah, it’s a fresh start for us. Thank you once again for all the great advice, we’ll keep it in mind even now :). Thanks for the update. I hope things go more smoothly for the little guy from now on. Let us know if how it works out. That is a very weird response from the teacher. Anything to shift the blame off herself. It does sound like a good thing you got him out of there. ---
**Author:** ![papataz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9de053/32.png) [@papataz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/papataz)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2008, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/36 "2008-10-13T15:12:22Z")
Aaaaand another update! About an hour ago, I got a phone call from a woman who didn’t introduce herself, claiming that she has a kid she’d be willing to transfer to the class my son was in till today. She then insisted that I tell her the reason why I’ve decided to remove my kid from the said class, and I refused, saying I don’t want to take part in any gossip. However, that’s not the real reason I chose not to speak to her. First of all, my phone is listed under my mother’s name in the phone book, so there’s no way she could have found me that way. Second, I’m 99 percent positive that the person who called me is the old teacher’s mother (since I met the woman before). Can this get any weirder? ---
**Author:** ![spoike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/da6949/32.png) [@spoike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spoike)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2008, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/37 "2008-10-13T15:41:21Z")
> [@papataz](#): > > Second, I’m 99 percent positive that the person who called me is the old teacher’s mother (since I met the woman before). If you are really 99% positive, I would suggest mentioning it to the principal, as it’s completely unacceptable behaviour. Although, given that you have no proof it was the teacher’s mother, you’d need to be pretty careful. Perhaps just mentioning the weird phone call you got would be sufficient, while being sure to not actually accuse anyone. If nothing else, asking the school to inform you if they give your number to a prospective parent would be a legitimate response, I would think. (Keep in mind, however, that I live in a province where giving out information about a student, including a phone number, without permission, contravenes a privacy act and is illegal. I may be overreacting based on what’s considered normal in my part of the world.) Alternatively, you could wait to see if anything else happens. Maybe they just wanted to know if you were going to be running around town bad-mouthing the previous teacher, and now that you’ve refused to discuss the situation, they’ll back off. Very, very bizarre. ---
**Author:** ![Mojo\_Pin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Mojo\_Pin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mojo_Pin)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2008, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/38 "2008-10-13T16:20:28Z")
> [@papataz](#): > > You see, the problem I have is this: in his life, he’s bound to face a lot more jerks and/ or inconsiderate people and I don’t know how to prepare him for that. Ah see you shoulda [named him Sue](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ikAyKfT3AQ)! 😛 Seriously though, good job and I hope the weird shit with the teacher gets cleared up. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2008, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532/39 "2008-10-13T17:28:23Z")
Take off and nuke them from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure. (from the movie Aliens) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-7-years-old-son-is-being-bullied-in-school-what-to-do/467532.md?page=1)