# My boss thinks she's invited to my wedding... help! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 8, 2009, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447 "2009-12-08T14:19:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/81 "2009-12-09T18:44:14Z")
**Serenata67** , have a WONDERFUL wedding. I know you didn’t ask, but I’m a pushy SOB so I am going to share the 5 things I learned for my wedding that got me through: 1. Have a binder. Keep every piece of paper in that binder - swatches of fabrics, copies of menus, receipts, contact info, the marriage licenses, the hall and church measurements, print outs of the readings, copies of the invitations, directions to the locations, contracts for the band & caterers, etc. GUARD IT WITH YOUR LIFE. 2. Get 2 boxes and label them “church” and “reception” and start putting in all the little stuff that needs to be taken to each place (ring pillows, candles, table place cards, etc.) 3. If possible, do your rehearsal 2 nights before the wedding. That way you have 1 day between the rehearsal and the wedding to fix anything that pops up. 4. Have a neutral 3rd party run the rehearsal. They should not be related and should be very confident and commanding. Your groom and you should sit down and go over with them in detail about what you want the ceremony to be like. Then when friends, family members and suspect individuals try to tell you what to do, you just direct them to the rehearsal director. At your rehearsal, you just want to be one of the party and NOT dealing with the stress and drama. It’s well worth the $50-100 gratuity you hand them. 5. The day of your wedding, don’t wear a watch and don’t let anyone tell you what time it is. Put a bridesmaid or maid of honor in charge of guiding you from place to place at the appropriate time. Just float along on your big day and enjoy. As long as you are there and he is there, that’s all that matters. The day is about your friends and family getting to see you 2 get married. Anything else that happens just makes for good stories afterwards. Congratulations! ---
**Author:** ![appleciders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85f322/32.png) [@appleciders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/appleciders)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/82 "2009-12-09T19:03:32Z")
> [@Madd\_Maxx](#): > > Give her the invitation that she wants. Just give her directions to some local place that is known for doing wedding receptions, preferably across town from where you will actually be. If she calls you out on it later, just claim it was a typo/printing error. \*East Oakridge \*street? Oh, I meant _West Oakhill_ street! > [@Oakminster](#): > > As a last resort, bribe one of the kids attending…a young boy would be best…to “accidentally” spill something all over her so she’ll leave…but not before you get some stealth pics for later amusements. It’s unconscionable to ask a child to do this. What, we should teach children that it’s OK to spill drinks on people you don’t like? This is a horrible thing for children to be exposed to. Have a drunken groomsman do it. That way, you can have him spill a full free beer instead of a small Coke. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/83 "2009-12-09T19:25:21Z")
> [@appleciders](#): > > It’s unconscionable to ask a child to do this. What, we should teach children that it’s OK to spill drinks on people you don’t like? This is a horrible thing for children to be exposed to. > > Have a drunken groomsman do it. That way, you can have him spill a full free beer instead of a small Coke. 😉 Wasting beer? That’s gotta be worse than using a child… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/84 "2009-12-09T20:28:26Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Wasting beer? That’s gotta be worse than using a child… > 😃 Wine stains are tougher to get out of clothing anyway. ETA: Hey, couldn’t you just say you’re part of some bizarro religion and that guests have to wear rubber boots to the party because that’s when you kill the chickens and all the guts on the floor are slippery? Then tell security if anyone shows up wearing boots… ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/85 "2009-12-09T20:29:54Z")
At the reception: All right folks we’re going to do some of the dance events right now. Were going to have the people divide up for the first event. I need the bride and groom up here by me. The rest of the wedding party here. The parents and siblings of the couple here. Now were going to need some special people that have been chosen by these people to stand over here by this handsome strapping young man. You, you and you come on over. Thank you. Now if you could follow our strapping young man out the door it would be appreciated so as we can get back to the party you crashed and are interrupting. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/86 "2009-12-09T20:35:18Z")
I wanted to add this story link. [Bride spray painted.](http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/091202/national/crime_painted_bride) Only you know how much of a nut job your boss is. ---
**Author:** ![Q.N.Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/3da27b/32.png) [@Q.N.Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.N.Jones)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/87 "2009-12-10T02:01:56Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > I didn’t flaunt them. I was sitting by myself in the break room addressing them. Same diff. You don’t let people see invitations to parties they aren’t invited to. I don’t make the rules. You want to break them, oh well. No big deal to me. I was just trying to explain to you why some people might think you’d behaved badly or given the impression they’d be getting invitations. > [@](#): > > I have actually scheduled all but one of my wedding related appointments around work, not work around that. My I usually work 8-6:30 and my salon is only open til 6. I had to make ONE appointment that I needed off for. That and I needed to take time off to actually get married. That’s not rude; it’s necessary. Look, I don’t really care. I offered an opinion based on how you previously stated things. I can’t know anything more than what you have said in these threads. You made it sound like you asked for time off of work multiple times for wedding planning. You don’t need to be so defensive. If you think I’m off-base, just ignore me. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/88 "2009-12-10T02:12:32Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > You go nowhere. This is a personal issue. WTF do you want, an agency that enforces etiquette? That would be AWESOME!!!1!!!1!!1111 We totally need this. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/89 "2009-12-10T03:23:00Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > I was going to suggest, in the interest of your job, that you pass of the blame in the form of overbearing parents or parents-in-law who are funding the wedding and insist on planing everything, including invites… but those who suggested simple refusals are probably right. Then pretend you have something important to do. I couldn’t disagree with this more. Do NOT come straight out with it. This straight talk stuff only works in novels and movies where men are being sensitive. Blame everybody else. Your boss can’t retaliate against _them_, and she cannot fire \*them \*for being a disruptive influence. It is much easier to be fired than it is to keep your job. Believe me. Those who suggested simple refusals, I suspect, have skills that are quite marketable, or other arrangements can be made, job-wise. If you, also, fit this category, go ahead with the direct method, then get ready to quit or to be fired. Having said that, I think that the boss is trying to pull your leg a bit, so you don’t need to come right out and say 'Don’t come." Could be wrong, tho. Good Luck, hh ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/90 "2009-12-10T04:33:10Z")
I didn’t mean ‘refusals’ so much as brush-offs and denial (‘Ha ha, yeah, small wedding. Oh my phone;s ringing!’ rather than ‘You are not invited and will be ejected from the premises if you come’). I completely agree that telling people the truth that are not family or loved ones is often an advice columnist fantasy. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/91 "2009-12-10T07:58:53Z")
> [@Q.N.Jones](#): > > Same diff. You don’t let people see invitations to parties they aren’t invited to. I don’t make the rules. You want to break them, oh well. No big deal to me. I was just trying to explain to you why some people might think you’d behaved badly or given the impression they’d be getting invitations. > > . You know, I have seen people at previous jobs sitting in the break room with fans of several invitations with their friends at their table looking over the invites and trying to decide which ones they like best, I have seen people writing out and addressing invitations, I have even helped address invitations and never once assumed that I would be invited. Well, actually I did volunteer to help address them because i did a stint of playing with calligraphy and I have a very nice hand [if I may blow my own horn]. I have even helped stamp/embellish cards for people with no belief in my being invited to whatever function. If someone is off in a corner addressing cards, and I am bored out of my skull I will ask if there is anything I can help with … and I never assume that because I volunteered to help someone that they are beholden to me for anything. I am just being nice adn doing something to stop being bored. Do not assume that your accustomed rule about never displaying invites is universal … if you are friends with people in the work place, it is natural to discuss _your_ personal parties with your friends, and people not in your little circle of friends do not assume that they are involved in whatever your circle of buddies is discussing. ---
**Author:** ![Q.N.Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/3da27b/32.png) [@Q.N.Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.N.Jones)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 9:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/92 "2009-12-10T09:53:06Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > Do not assume that your accustomed rule about never displaying invites is universal … if you are friends with people in the work place, it is natural to discuss _your_ personal parties with your friends, and people not in your little circle of friends do not assume that they are involved in whatever your circle of buddies is discussing. Are you lecturing me? If so, you should try reading my last post again. I’m pretty live-and-let-live, myself. I don’t assume. I realize most people are rude and clueless about etiquette, and I don’t want to go to their weddings or parties anyway. I’m not saying that I personally see the OP’s actions as a reason to expect an invite. But that etiquette rule is well-known enough that it’s safe to assume in a large workplace, _someone_ is going to get offended (or assume they’re invited) if you violate it. I was just trying to explain to the OP why the people she’s having problems with might have made the assumption they would be invited. Getting defensive and trying to convince me I’m wrong is missing the point. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/93 "2009-12-10T12:51:45Z")
> [@Q.N.Jones](#): > > I’m pretty live-and-let-live, myself. Yeah, that really comes across from your posts in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/94 "2009-12-10T13:44:09Z")
> [@Q.N.Jones](#): > > Are you lecturing me? If so, you should try reading my last post again. I’m pretty live-and-let-live, myself. I don’t assume. I realize most people are rude and clueless about etiquette, and I don’t want to go to their weddings or parties anyway. I’m not saying that I personally see the OP’s actions as a reason to expect an invite. > > But that etiquette rule is well-known enough that it’s safe to assume in a large workplace, _someone_ is going to get offended (or assume they’re invited) if you violate it. I was just trying to explain to the OP why the people she’s having problems with might have made the assumption they would be invited. Getting defensive and trying to convince me I’m wrong is missing the point. It’s worse when some in the workplace are invited & others aren’t. I spent several months listening to the chick in the next cubicle arrange her big & festive wedding over the phone. Some employees were invited but I was not. I wasn’t in her “work group”–it wasn’t really personal. But it was very distracting–with no payoff for me. Guess the OP never had any evening or weekend time free to to the addressing. The boss is a piece of work, but the less work time (even on break) devoted to the wedding, the better. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/95 "2009-12-10T14:10:51Z")
> [@Q.N.Jones](#): > > Are you lecturing me? I think you’re the one getting defensive. You say it’s a universally known rule of etiquette. Well, many of us here have never heard of that rule. ---
**Author:** ![Elysian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c77e96/32.png) [@Elysian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elysian)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/96 "2009-12-10T14:15:54Z")
There’s only one thing I would add to this… The next time your boss says “I’m going to crash your wedding if you don’t invite me, haha!” joke back with her, only be serious. “If anyone crashes my party they’re going to be escorted out by my brother! He’s really going to love embarrassing the hell out of them! And all my guests will point and laugh at them! And I’ll keep the presents anyway, haha!” The way I see it, you really want to nip this in the bud before she gets in her car to drive to the wedding. By phrasing it as a joke, you can take advantage of the same things she is (I didn’t really mean it, I was just kidding around, I wouldn’t actually attend – I didn’t mean it, I was joking, I’d probably return the present). It’s give her a really clear idea of the consequences of her actions and hopefully scare her away from attending. I hope you love your wedding and good wishes for your marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/97 "2009-12-10T15:10:40Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > I think you’re the one getting defensive. > > You say it’s a universally known rule of etiquette. Well, many of us here have never heard of that rule. Maybe not worded so specifically, but I would have guessed that just about everyone knew that it was rude to flaunt party invitations in front of a group of people who aren’t on the invite list. Not to say that excuses the bosses behavior at all. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/98 "2009-12-10T16:23:23Z")
> [@Q.N.Jones](#): > > Are you lecturing me? If so, you should try reading my last post again. I’m pretty live-and-let-live, myself. I don’t assume. I realize most people are rude and clueless about etiquette, and I don’t want to go to their weddings or parties anyway. I’m not saying that I personally see the OP’s actions as a reason to expect an invite. > > But that etiquette rule is well-known enough that it’s safe to assume in a large workplace, _someone_ is going to get offended (or assume they’re invited) if you violate it. I was just trying to explain to the OP why the people she’s having problems with might have made the assumption they would be invited. Getting defensive and trying to convince me I’m wrong is missing the point. **QN JONES** is correct, and I think that it’s wrong for those whose noses are getting out of joint at what **QNJ** is writing. Sure, as a technical rule, you could probably get a cease and desist order against anybody that even speaks and looks at you at work, so what’s your problem? Head to the courthouse, and get to it. It is a matter of good manners, social responsibility, etc… that is being addressed. If you want to keep the boss away, say “I don’t want you at my wedding!” She will go to jail if she shows up. Problem solved. But, obviously, there is a matter of doing things in a polite way, and that is what **QNJ** is addressing. Politeness, manners, social interactions. First of all, is there no room at home to address invitations? One can only do it at work? Break, shmeak, it was _at work_! It may not be evil to do this at work, but it is certainly ham-handed, and one should expect somebody to get the wrong idea. Even I can remember the old kindergarten maxim, that if you don’t bring enough to share with everybody, don’t bring any. Something like that. Best wishes, hh ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/99 "2009-12-10T16:37:21Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > You say it’s a universally known rule of etiquette. Well, many of us here have never heard of that rule. It _is_ a well-known etiquette rule. That’s why so many schools these days won’t let kids bring birthday party invitations to school unless the whole class is invited. I’m actually surprised that so many people here don’t seem to know this one. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/100 "2009-12-10T17:29:27Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > It _is_ a well-known etiquette rule. That’s why so many schools these days won’t let kids bring birthday party invitations to school unless the whole class is invited. I’m actually surprised that so many people here don’t seem to know this one. In the school situation you describe, I can totally understand and get behind it. But this isn’t quite the same situation. For one thing, she wasn’t inviting some coworkers and not others. For another these are adults (boss excluded) who should be mature enough to know that they won’t get invited to every event. Lastly – was she flaunting? I guess that’s a matter of degree and/or opinion. But if one of my coworkers, say, brought in cookies to share with a certain population of the office, like the surgeons or the nurses, I won’t get bent out of shape if I don’t get to have one. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447.md?page=6)