# My boss thinks she's invited to my wedding... help! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 8, 2009, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447 "2009-12-08T14:19:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/101 "2009-12-10T17:37:22Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > In the school situation you describe, I can totally understand and get behind it. But this isn’t quite the same situation. For one thing, she wasn’t inviting some coworkers and not others. For another these are adults (boss excluded) who should be mature enough to know that they won’t get invited to every event. Lastly – was she flaunting? I guess that’s a matter of degree and/or opinion. But if one of my coworkers, say, brought in cookies to share with a certain population of the office, like the surgeons or the nurses, I won’t get bent out of shape if I don’t get to have one. :: shrug :: Whatever. I was taught never to have invitations around where non-invited people would see them. I was told it’s generally not nice to let people know (deliberately or otherwise) that you’re hosting an event and they aren’t invited. I don’t think “flaunting” was the right choice of words from **Jones** , but both my fiancee and I were taught that it’s bad form to mess around with our invites in public where there is a risk that someone may see them and feel snubbed. Different upbringings, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/102 "2009-12-10T17:42:24Z")
OK, put in that way, I can sort of agree. I just think that on the scale of offensiveness, it ranks pretty low. Personally, if one of my coworkers was addressing wedding invitations at work, I wouldn’t feel snubbed at all. But I’m pretty meh about weddings. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/103 "2009-12-10T17:55:23Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > OK, put in that way, I can sort of agree. I just think that on the scale of offensiveness, it ranks pretty low. Personally, if one of my coworkers was addressing wedding invitations at work, I wouldn’t feel snubbed at all. But I’m pretty meh about weddings. Yeah, me too. That’s the weird thing. I probably wouldn’t give a rat’s ass if a co-worker was having a party and I wasn’t invited, but at the same time, I’d be mortified if I made someone else feel snubbed because they found out I was having a shindig without them. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/104 "2009-12-10T19:48:01Z")
Another vote that **Q.N.'s** etiquette rule is indeed well-known. Thinking back to my wedding, I had just started a job at a new place, so I had discussed my time off for the wedding right when I was being hired, but of course no one from the new job would be invited, and I kept my plans strictly away from them. Working on invitations in front of people who would not be invited - I just wouldn’t do that. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/105 "2009-12-10T20:17:31Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > . . . we had wedding crashers! One woman neither of us had ever met and she wasn’t even introduced to us! They wore jeans and uggs!!! They didn’t even give us a card, or sign the card of someone else! They complained about the food and where we were able to seat them! I mean it was quite farcical! They were buffoons! Born in a barn! Emily Post would spin in her grave! My parents were married during the Depression, when a lot of people literally didn’t have food on their tables. My grandfather was a baker and caterer, so there were tons of food and several huge cakes. People were climbing in the windows to steal food, and there was a couple who were caught carrying out a four-foot cake. Finally my grandfather just opened the doors and let everyone in. They wound up feeding the entire neighborhood, and then some. ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/106 "2009-12-10T20:58:49Z")
If you haven’t yet started documenting all interactions with your boss (professional, personal, wedding bell blues), you need to start now. No, it’s not about the wedding. It will be about your termination from your job for not being a team player, or some other excuse. You will need all the documentation to prove your case. Your boss has some serious problems and she’ll will be damned to allow anyone who works for her get the best of her, wedding or otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/107 "2009-12-10T21:00:25Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > :: shrug :: Whatever. I was taught never to have invitations around where non-invited people would see them. I was told it’s generally not nice to let people know (deliberately or otherwise) that you’re hosting an event and they aren’t invited. One of the biggest things that used to bug the shit out of me from the clique I used to be a peripheral member of, and carries forward to other groups to this day. Don’t get together with a group of people and then invite only a small number of them to another event. Or talk about that event in front of non-invitees, past or future. It is incredibly rude when there are 10 people in the room and six of them are planning a small dinner the next week and not inviting the other four. Or on the other end of it, talking excitedly about the small dinner that just the six of them had the week before. FUCK OFF ALREADY. You didn’t invite me, I don’t want to hear about how it great it was. Now is not the time for you to go on about it, in the company of people you chose not to invite. Wedding invites? Slightly less so. If I was the boss, I’d be making damned sure that she wasn’t spending COMPANY time doing the invites. But other than that, I do agree with the OP in that the boss has no right to invite herself. ---
**Author:** ![Hokkaido\_Brit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d26b3c/32.png) [@Hokkaido\_Brit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hokkaido_Brit)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/108 "2009-12-10T23:10:20Z")
I think your boss sounds like an utterly unpleasant woman, and I think, like some other posters, that she is not really planning to come to your wedding but she is thoroughly enjoying the misery she’s putting you through teasing about it. I agree, assign your brother as bouncer and don’t let her attend should she show up. You sound like you are not going to be in that job much longer anyway and you don’t want her in your wedding photos forever more. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/109 "2009-12-11T05:37:40Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > One of the biggest things that used to bug the shit out of me from the clique I used to be a peripheral member of, and carries forward to other groups to this day. > > Don’t get together with a group of people and then invite only a small number of them to another event. Or talk about that event in front of non-invitees, past or future. According to the OP, she’s not inviting ANYONE from work. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/110 "2009-12-11T15:42:42Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > According to the OP, she’s not inviting ANYONE from work. Exactly. I’m not inviting anyone and my boss is the only person who has a beef with it. I was assigned to that branch only a few months back and haven’t forged any close relationships with anyone there. The all know that and they are all cool. Some of the other girls think it’s weird and inappropriate the way she’s acting. They all understand, but aren’t willing to stand up to her. I’m not trying to exclude some people and include others; I’m not including any of them. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/111 "2009-12-11T15:47:21Z")
Then I can only suggest that you stop bringing in Wedding related items to your place of work, stop making personal calls about the wedding from your place of work and stop discussing the wedding with anyone at your place of work. Get the message there? ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/112 "2009-12-11T15:57:54Z")
From the OP: > [@](#): > > I’m under the “don’t talk unless specifically asked” rule. I know I’m not going to invite them. I’m not going around spilling my guts about my cake just 'cause I’m excited. I mean, if someone asks me, “Are you getting excited about the wedding?” or “How are the plans going?” I provide a short but polite answer, like “I’m really excited. It’ll be beautiful.” or “The plans are going pretty well. Still have a lot to do though.” and I leave it at that. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/113 "2009-12-11T16:03:17Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > Then I can only suggest that you stop bringing in Wedding related items to your place of work, stop making personal calls about the wedding from your place of work and stop discussing the wedding with anyone at your place of work. I’m not sure I get the no phone calls thing. If a friend calls me at work to discuss our plans to get together that night, am I obligated to invite all of my coworkers? ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/114 "2009-12-11T16:18:21Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > One of the biggest things that used to bug the shit out of me from the clique I used to be a peripheral member of, and carries forward to other groups to this day. > > Don’t get together with a group of people and then invite only a small number of them to another event. Or talk about that event in front of non-invitees, past or future. > > It is incredibly rude when there are 10 people in the room and six of them are planning a small dinner the next week and not inviting the other four. Or on the other end of it, talking excitedly about the small dinner that just the six of them had the week before. FUCK OFF ALREADY. You didn’t invite me, I don’t want to hear about how it great it was. Now is not the time for you to go on about it, in the company of people you chose not to invite. > > Wedding invites? Slightly less so. If I was the boss, I’d be making damned sure that she wasn’t spending COMPANY time doing the invites. But other than that, I do agree with the OP in that the boss has no right to invite herself. How big does the disparity in group sizes have to be before it’s OK to discuss such things? If I’m at a party of 40 people, can I discuss the ski trip that my wife and I and another couple at the party took two weeks previously? Will the other 36 people be offended then? Sounds like you may suffer from [Geek Social Fallacy](http://www.plausiblydeniable.com/opinion/gsf.html) 1 or 5. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/115 "2009-12-11T17:06:09Z")
I’m not sure if anyone’s said this (only read the OP) but couldn’t you just tell her it was canceled? Wait until the last minute when all your appointments are done and then say you caught him cheating or something, or somebody’s family had a death and the wedding’s canceled. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/116 "2009-12-14T00:48:08Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > I’m not sure if anyone’s said this (only read the OP) but couldn’t you just tell her it was canceled? Wait until the last minute when all your appointments are done and then say you caught him cheating or something, or somebody’s family had a death and the wedding’s canceled. While that sounds fun, I’m still planning on changing my name, etc. She’d realize I lied to her… and it wouldn’t be pretty. I don’t take any personal calls at work, I don’t discuss stuff at work and I’m not bringing anything into work anymore. After she saw the invitations that one day (the only day I brought anything to work) and it made everything worse, I haven’t brought anything else. The thing is, no one else in my office is offended by me bringing the invites to work that once. No one is offended that they’re not invited. And I work at a pretty large branch. And I’m not sure she’s even _offended_, just pushy. She wants free booze and food and a reason to get away from her little brats (she calls them that!) for a night. I’m just going to hold firm that she’s not invited. I’ll be polite, but not encouraging. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/117 "2009-12-14T00:55:44Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > I’m not sure if anyone’s said this (only read the OP) but couldn’t you just tell her it was canceled? Wait until the last minute when all your appointments are done and then say you caught him cheating or something, or somebody’s family had a death and the wedding’s canceled. That would make it a touch hard to explain why she still needs to keep the time off for the wedding and honeymoon. ---
**Author:** ![Aankh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ebca7d/32.png) [@Aankh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aankh)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/118 "2009-12-14T02:03:47Z")
I have no idea how secure the OP’s job is , but if her boss has already been making life hell for her in general, she needs to be very, very careful. There’s nothing like a petty boss with a vendetta to make life miserable. Getting a good referral when you leave this job also hinges on keeping the twit happy. It’s not something you want to deal with in the first few months after your wedding. So, on that note… (1) HR is never your friend. Not unless you have extremely well-documented and corroborated instances of mistreatment. And even then they’re not your friend. It’s just that in such a situation they cannot _not_ support you. (2) I would give an invite to the boss. It’s 20 bucks and a shitload of cheap diplomacy. (3) If, on a principle, you still wish not to invite the boss, I would absolutely not not NOT get security to escort her out if she crashes the wedding anyway. That will put you on the shit-list even more so than her not getting an invite. Public humiliation is not something that petty types will forgive. Maybe I’m just a cynic, but I think choosing your battles makes life go a lot more smoothly. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/119 "2009-12-14T02:20:23Z")
> [@muldoonthief](#): > > How big does the disparity in group sizes have to be before it’s OK to discuss such things? If I’m at a party of 40 people, can I discuss the ski trip that my wife and I and another couple at the party took two weeks previously? Will the other 36 people be offended then? > > Sounds like you may suffer from [Geek Social Fallacy](http://www.plausiblydeniable.com/opinion/gsf.html) 1 or 5. Sorry, no. Big party, I’m happy to hear about your plans, or your past trips. No, I don’t need to be invited. Take a look again at the example I gave. Ten people in the room, inviting six of them to another event. Snubbing the other four. Or like another occasion with another group: six person group get-together cancelled, a week later we find that four of them (including the person who cancelled the whole thing) got together anyway. Then the four decided to tell the two of us who got dropped how much fun they had that night. Not Cool. Dick Move. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/120 "2009-12-14T02:39:53Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > Maybe not worded so specifically, but I would have guessed that just about everyone knew that it was rude to flaunt party invitations in front of a group of people who aren’t on the invite list. > > Not to say that excuses the bosses behavior at all. I agree; and for those who couldn’t even intuit that talking about/showing invitations to a party to people who weren’t invited, might just possibly make them feel left out or otherwise shitty, I have to say that indicates a severe lack of empathy. Forget the formal “rule” – the basis of courtesy is to not make others feel bad or awkward. Be considerate of their feelings, for gods sake. A sense of empathy would tell you everything you need to know in this case. Wouldn’t _you_ feel bad if someone showed you an invitation to a party and then went on to say “But you’re not invited”? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447.md?page=7)