# My boss thinks she's invited to my wedding... help! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 8, 2009, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447 "2009-12-08T14:19:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![ZenBeam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/3ab097/32.png) [@ZenBeam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZenBeam)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/121 "2009-12-14T02:50:39Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > Take a look again at the example I gave. Ten people in the room, inviting six of them to another event. Snubbing the other four. Or like another occasion with another group: six person group get-together cancelled, a week later we find that four of them (including the person who cancelled the whole thing) got together anyway. Then the four decided to tell the two of us who got dropped how much fun they had that night. Not Cool. Dick Move. Yeah, well given those numbers, your example has bupkis to do with the OP, doesn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/122 "2009-12-14T03:00:17Z")
Also, I disagree with everyone saying to invite the boss anyway – but also make your choice with your eyes open. She may (probably) retaliate. This retaliation may or may not include getting fired (or being made so miserable that you quit just to save your sanity). If she does crash, and you have someone bounce her, you can have the bouncer tell her that the event is private and restricted to invited guests only. That would make it clear she’s not being singled out by you, but she’s in essence singling out herself by crashing in the first place (and honestly, who wouldn’t bounce any and every wedding crasher? it’s not like she would evict the boss and not others, it’s just that it’s unlikely that any others will crash). At the same time, regardless of logic, I’d expect the boss to take it personally no matter what you do, even though it isn’t. She obviously thinks the universe revolves around her; the fact that any other crasher would also get bounced, if there were other crashers, would be lost on her. Finally, I also agree with everyone that you should be documenting everything. That way, if she does retaliate, you have your own ammunition to take to HR. If you start talking to them about “hostile work environments” they’ll do something, if only out of the desire to cover their own asses. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/123 "2009-12-14T05:47:12Z")
Is she allergic to anything? Have plenty of those things at the front door. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/124 "2009-12-14T06:01:58Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > Sorry, no. Big party, I’m happy to hear about your plans, or your past trips. No, I don’t need to be invited. > > Take a look again at the example I gave. Ten people in the room, inviting six of them to another event. Snubbing the other four. Or like another occasion with another group: six person group get-together cancelled, a week later we find that four of them (including the person who cancelled the whole thing) got together anyway. Then the four decided to tell the two of us who got dropped how much fun they had that night. Not Cool. Dick Move. For what it’s worth, I agree with you. It sounds like some people in your social circle are (were?) clueless about how we stopped treating other people like that in grade school. Being a temp, I’ve had the opportunity to sample a lot of different work environments, and most of them are not cliquey, but you’ll run into the odd one that feels like it’s straight out of high school. When I end up in one of those, I do my damnedest to highlight their immature behaviour, by being the most inclusionary person they ever met (well, as much as a temp can, anyway). ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 7:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/125 "2009-12-14T07:30:59Z")
> [@](#): > > The thing is, no one else in my office is offended by me bringing the invites to work that once. No one is offended that they’re not invited. And I work at a pretty large branch. And I’m not sure she’s even offended, just pushy. She wants free booze and food and a reason to get away from her little brats (she calls them that!) for a night. > [@](#): > > Forget the formal “rule” – the basis of courtesy is to not make others feel bad or awkward. Be considerate of their feelings, for gods sake. A sense of empathy would tell you everything you need to know in this case. Wouldn’t you feel bad if someone showed you an invitation to a party and then went on to say “But you’re not invited”? Here’s the way I visualized it: OP brings her invitations to work, but doesn’t show them around, she just wants to work on the invitations while she’s on break. She does so. She assumes that being on break means that her time is her own, and that she will be left alone. Her boss, who cannot conceive of a situation where someone would not want to talk to her (boss) instead of enjoying her break, decides to stick her big nose into the OP’s business…which in this case, is her wedding invitations. Boss also can’t imagine why OP doesn’t want to have Boss at her (small, friends only) wedding and/or reception, as Boss is always welcome wherever she goes. IMO, the OP might have made a very tiny mistake by bringing in the invitations to occupy her during her break. However, the Boss was rude for sticking her nose into the OP’s business while the OP was on break, and is now assuming that she’s welcome to come to the reception. Boss either doesn’t know or doesn’t care that the OP doesn’t want to spend ANY time with her, and that is both clueless and rude. One can get away with inviting oneself over to a casual family get together. Something that’s so very formal as a wedding and reception (and the average person doesn’t attend anything more formal than a wedding) is not something to just casually invite oneself to. Even if the person who is getting married commits a teensy little slip, that doesn’t give anyone the right to assume that they are or that they should be invited to any part of the festivities. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/126 "2009-12-14T14:10:35Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > I think I’ll reiterate one more time, firmly but politely, that we will not be inviting any of our coworkers to anything. If she decides to crash, I will have the on-duty security guard escort her out. She will not have a place card; she will not have a seat assigned. I think I’ll put my sister (my maid of honor) and my very imposing brother on lookout for her. If she shows up, they will inform the security guard and between the three of them, she will be removed and I won’t have to deal with her. If she harbors ill will for being removed when she knows she’s crashing, that’s hers to deal with. I have one foot out the door at my employer and am looking for a way out. I’m not going to let her ruin my day. And make sure that her being bounced gets videoed. Then if retaliation happens, it’s one more arrow in your quiver. Plus the fact that you can put it up on YouTube later for laughs. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/127 "2009-12-14T14:35:52Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > Take a look again at the example I gave. In that example, I would agree with you. But your example is not the case with the OP. If she had openly addressed invitations to half of her coworkers and not the other half, and then told everyone about it, then yeah, dick move. But that’s not what happened. She was doing something personal on her own personal time. Coworkers that found out about it were cool about it. No one’s feelings got hurt. The boss didn’t feel rightfully hurt and slighted because everyone else in the office but her got invited. She made the unilateral decision to crash the reception. There is a HUGE difference there. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/128 "2009-12-14T15:04:53Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > Here’s the way I visualized it: OP brings her invitations to work, but doesn’t show them around, she just wants to work on the invitations while she’s on break. She does so. She assumes that being on break means that her time is her own, and that she will be left alone. Her boss, who cannot conceive of a situation where someone would not want to talk to her (boss) instead of enjoying her break, decides to stick her big nose into the OP’s business…which in this case, is her wedding invitations. Boss also can’t imagine why OP doesn’t want to have Boss at her (small, friends only) wedding and/or reception, as Boss is always welcome wherever she goes. > > IMO, the OP might have made a very tiny mistake by bringing in the invitations to occupy her during her break. However, the Boss was rude for sticking her nose into the OP’s business while the OP was on break, and is now assuming that she’s welcome to come to the reception. Boss either doesn’t know or doesn’t care that the OP doesn’t want to spend ANY time with her, and that is both clueless and rude. One can get away with inviting oneself over to a casual family get together. Something that’s so very formal as a wedding and reception (and the average person doesn’t attend anything more formal than a wedding) is not something to just casually invite oneself to. Even if the person who is getting married commits a teensy little slip, that doesn’t give anyone the right to assume that they are or that they should be invited to any part of the festivities. That’s exactly how it’s been going down. Thanks for the summary **Lynn**. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/129 "2009-12-14T18:07:33Z")
Well, the addressing of the invitations at work and the boss inviting herself are two separate issues in my mind. The boss strikes me as a narcissistic maniac, and there’s absolutely no excuse for her behavior. None. This is a primary reason why I don’t agree with the folks saying “Just invite her anyway.” The OP is not responsible for the boss’s hard feelings in this case, the boss is being overly presumptive and whatever hard feelings she experiences as a result are her own fault. At the same time, unless the OP was addressing invitations in her own private office with the door closed where she could reasonably expect no one to wander by and see the invitations by accident, she should have left that for an at home project, not something for her work environment, even if she was on break. She pretty much has no way of knowing if what she did cause any hurt feelings among her co-workers; any adult with grace wouldn’t mention it if she felt left out. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/130 "2009-12-14T18:22:48Z")
I’m sorry, there is no way to not talk about an upcoming wedding. You can avoid bringing the subject up but people ask you about it CONSTANTLY – particularly if you are a woman and they are also a woman. The only way to keep it under the radar is to never wear an engagement ring in the workplace. And everyone knows that invites to a wedding are not at all based on who you like best or who you’d prefer to spend time with. It is a formal occasion in which family normally comes first in terms of invitation priority; in fact some weddings have very few friends of the bride and groom in attendance. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2009, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/131 "2009-12-15T14:08:28Z")
My little problem kind of solved itself: the evil boss is being [demoted and transferred](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=11889793#post11889793)… before the wedding! So she can’t intimidate, coerce and otherwise manipulate me into inviting her! At this point, I doubt she’ll show up (she doesn’t have a leg to stand on), but if for some crazy reason she does, I have no problem tossing her out on her ass. She has no more power over me! ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2009, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/132 "2009-12-15T14:18:29Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > My little problem kind of solved itself: the evil boss is being [demoted and transferred](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=11889793#post11889793)… before the wedding! So she can’t intimidate, coerce and otherwise manipulate me into inviting her! At this point, I doubt she’ll show up (she doesn’t have a leg to stand on), but if for some crazy reason she does, I have no problem tossing her out on her ass. She has no more power over me! It doesn’t mean she won’t show up. Now you can freely kick her ass out though. ---
**Author:** ![Hokkaido\_Brit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d26b3c/32.png) [@Hokkaido\_Brit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hokkaido_Brit)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2009, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/133 "2009-12-15T14:25:42Z")
Well, that is a VERY satisfactory outcome! Yeay! ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2009, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/134 "2009-12-15T14:44:42Z")
Break out the champagne! Time to celebrate! You’ll still post a video if your bouncers toss her out on her ass, right? ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2009, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/135 "2009-12-15T18:14:54Z")
> [@Harmonious\_Discord](#): > > It doesn’t mean she won’t show up. Now you can freely kick her ass out though. Heck, take it an extra step farther and have her bounced _and_ arrested for trespassing. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2009, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/136 "2009-12-15T19:24:07Z")
What a great wedding gift! ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2009, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/137 "2009-12-15T20:06:00Z")
> [@Hokkaido\_Brit](#): > > Well, that is a VERY satisfactory outcome! Yeay! Oh, _sure_, for **Serenata**. What about those of us who are in it for the vicarious entertainment? Ah, well, congratulations anyway, **Serenata**! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2009, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447/138 "2009-12-15T20:13:21Z")
As I said in the other thread, yay! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boss-thinks-shes-invited-to-my-wedding-help/520447.md?page=6)