# My boyfriend cheated on me..... I need advice **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 14, 2004, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033 "2004-04-14T20:35:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/21 "2004-04-15T05:00:54Z")
> [@bouv](#): > > If he loved you then he wouldn’t cheat on you, it’s just that simple. Read that again. Please. I loved the “run while you still have legs” comment. A guy cheated on me once, after we’d been together about a year and had been vacationing in Europe together. I had to come home for work, but he stayed a few extra weeks. He cheated. His excuse? It wasn’t important or serious, because he was never going to see her again. WTF?!? You knew you were going to see ME again, you asshole! ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/22 "2004-04-15T05:05:12Z")
Gay, not gay, the same rules apply for this one: possessiveness and exclusivity are destructive ideas that make no sense. “You, because I love you, I ask that if you ever feel like sexing with someone else, you won’t” – ?? Sorry, but where’s the love in that? I just don’t get it. No offense intended. ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/23 "2004-04-15T05:20:17Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > I just don’t get it. Your opinion on monogomous relationships is irrelevant in this particular thread. The fact is that they _had_ one and when you _have_ one, there is one, simple, basic rule: you will not fuck other people. If that’s not your thing, honky dory, then don’t get involved in a monogomous relationship and fuck anyone and everyone you want (more power to ya). But if you _do_ get into one, then treat your partner with the respect and consideration they are _owed_ by your commitment to them. Frankly, I’m just not sure I see what there is to even _get_ about that. Seems pretty simple to me. ---
**Author:** ![B.Serum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/b.serum/32/14266_2.png) [@B.Serum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/B.Serum)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/24 "2004-04-15T05:56:36Z")
Everybody has different standards for this. My gut response is to say Dump the Chump. But no one rule works for everyone. And sometimes some people need the benefit of the doubt. The loss of one’s trust is a difficult leak to plug. If you decide to give it another go, you both need to understand that he has a big challenge ahead of him to gain back the trust that he trashed. When you guys started out, you probably gave him the benefit of the doubt and gave him… let’s say 70 trust points out of a hundred. (stick with me here) This probably afforded him to be friendly to some degree with other men without casting suspicion. How friendly? It’s different for different people. Anyway… by cheating on you, he lost all trust. He now has 0 trust points. For him to get back in your good graces, he is going to have to exceed your commitment expectations just to get back to the point to where he was without even trying in the past. If you do take him back, the danger of course, is that you are teaching him how to treat you. If you forgive him, he may learn that his transgression is forgivable. Which isn’t exactly the kind of thing that will keep him from doing it again. To be sure, it’s going to be an uphill battle for both of you: for him to not only reign that dick in, but to shy away from once-innoculous social behavior that now will be hard as hell for you to NOT view with suspicion. Sadly, trust after infidelity is the exception rather than the rule. ---
**Author:** ![jastu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/43a26b/32.png) [@jastu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jastu)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/25 "2004-04-15T06:46:36Z")
I used to be one for giving someone a second chance, but I have come to realise if they do it once they will do it again. I certainly agree with **bouv** and all those who have said once a cheater, always a cheater. You can’t have a good relationship where there is no trust, and you’ve already stated you could not trust him again. Go with your gut on this one. ---
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 8:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/26 "2004-04-15T08:16:09Z")
Man, if ever a thread called out for **Manda JO** ’s words of wisdom, this is it… I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I can tell you about my experience and give some of my thoughts. I was cheated on by a long-term ex. I found out about it much the way you did: by accident. I agreed to take her back after many tearful conversations, and the relationship lasted for several years afterward. And if I had it to do over, knowing what I know now, I’d end the relationship the minute I found those disgusting letters. The trust never fully recovered, and I spent several years living in low-grade hysteria until we split up. It still (eight years after the discovery) affects my relationships, though to a lesser degree as time passes. Granted, he may be different. My ex wasn’t the type to give reassurance much; only you can decide if you can trust him again. Bottom line: You’ve been together five months and he cheated on you, and apparently planned to see this person again. Personally I don’t think five months is long enough to have much invested toward the long-term; it takes longer than that to deserve a Big Forgiveness like this. Remember: Principles and declarations are worth _nothing_ until they’re tested. He was tested, and you see how he measured up. I’ve been dating my current GF for about five months as well, coincidentally, and if she cheated on me at this point, you could turn off the light switch and I’d be gone before the room got dark. And **Hey You!** raises an interesting point: > [@](#): > > To be sure, it’s going to be an uphill battle for both of you: for him to not only reign that dick in, but to shy away from once-innoculous social behavior that now will be hard as hell for you to NOT view with suspicion. It’s up to _him_ now to earn your trust back. He can’t just “not fuck other people”; he has to go out of his way to avoid even the appearance of such behavior. That may seem like a big imposition to him; if he wants you to trust him again, though, that’s what he has to do. Good luck, and let us know how it all goes. ---
**Author:** ![Honeydew\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e19b73/32.png) [@Honeydew\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Honeydew_1)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 10:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/27 "2004-04-15T10:55:35Z")
I’ve not been cheated on before (that I know of that is)… but my question would be what does your gut instinct tell you to do? I went through a pretty bad relationship that affected me more than I was aware at the time (thanks to my fiance I have learned that I am a good person, worthy of love) and I learnt I should have listened to my gut instinct sooner - if I had, I would have not suffered so much. I really believe in following your true feelings and I’d suggest that you follow what your instincts tell you. ---
**Author:** ![Medea\_s\_Child](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Medea\_s\_Child](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Medea_s_Child)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/28 "2004-04-15T13:09:31Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > Gay, not gay, the same rules apply for this one: possessiveness and exclusivity are destructive ideas that make no sense. “You, because I love you, I ask that if you ever feel like sexing with someone else, you won’t” – ?? Sorry, but where’s the love in that? > > I just don’t get it. > > No offense intended. **AHunter3** I’m poly myself, but poly or not, cheating is wrong. all relationships require trust, honestly and respect. In my current poly relationship, yes we are both free to sleep with others, with the caveat that we tell each other beforehand if someone new appears and that all protections are used. If my partner were to find someone else, not tell me about it, and not use a condom, I would have every right to be pissed. He would have broken my trust, lied to me, and shown a huge lack of respect for both me and our relationship. Exclusivity is honestly beside the point here, the basic upkeep of a decent relationship requires trust and that has been severely, if not irreperably, damaged. ---
**Author:** ![jmpride62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@jmpride62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jmpride62)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/29 "2004-04-15T14:12:44Z")
> [@rostfrei](#): > > He admitted having a one night stand and begged me to forgive him. He swore it didn’t mean anything and professed his undying love for me. cough cough :::: **bullshit** :::: cough But seriously, it may not have meant anything to him, but it does sound like he would have gone back for more if the opportunity presented itself (the guy sounds like more than some random trick), and I suspect there are others that you don’t know about (sorry, just a feeling ☹ ). Gay guy here, and one who doesn’t cheat. Jeff ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/30 "2004-04-15T14:40:26Z")
Well I’ve had some expierence with the spouse cheating. To me the important question that Jason must answer, or that you must discover the answer to is _why_ did he do it. It sounds like it was just oppotunity presented itself and he did it. If that is the case he will probably do it again and again. So then the question becomes, can _you_ live with that? ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/31 "2004-04-15T14:42:12Z")
The OP should ditch Jason, not necessarily for the cheating, but for the obtuseness he demonstrated by giving his trick his _cell phone number_! Dumb, dumb, dumb. > [@](#): > > Basically, the past five months have been among the happiest in my 37 years on this earth. We did everything together. After about 2 months, he told me he loved me and I told him I loved him too. We were discussing the idea of moving in together. We were always together. He was always telling me how much he loved me and how he didn’t know how he survived prior to our meeting. I was head over heels in love. Well, now you know to watch for one of the signs of a manipulator–swearing eternal, undying love very quickly and spouting “how he didn’t know how he survived prior to our meeting.” When you hear that, RUN! No sane, secure person really talks like that or makes emotional dependency a virtue. Jason was using that language to emotionally manipulate the OP from the get-go, it sounds like. > [@](#): > > But, I’m not sure I can ever forgive him. I really, really thought he was the one I’d spend the rest of my life with. How could I have been so stupid? I haven’t seen him since the confrontation and I’m starting to miss him. I guess I’m in mourning. I’m just so devastated. I don’t feel I can ever trust him again Come now, you weren’t stupid. You were trusting and vulnerable (and maybe a tad needy), but you aren’t responsible for his behavior–HE is. So stop blaming yourself. And no, you shouldn’t trust him since he has proven untrustworthy. If he had just had the one lapse, that wouldn’t be so bad. But he gave this dude his number, so clearly he was planning to screw around behind your back indefinitely. And to return to a topic that has been touched on before, in the 5 months you were with Jason, you WERE using protection, were you not? Get thee to your local gay clinic and get an HIV test, stat. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/32 "2004-04-15T15:16:50Z")
> [@gobear](#): > > Well, now you know to watch for one of the signs of a manipulator–swearing eternal, undying love very quickly and spouting “how he didn’t know how he survived prior to our meeting.” > > When you hear that, RUN! No sane, secure person really talks like that or makes emotional dependency a virtue. Jason was using that language to emotionally manipulate the OP from the get-go, it sounds like. Good point. That sounds more like something that idealistic teenage lovebirds would spout - or someone who’s manipulative/overly dependent/both. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/33 "2004-04-15T15:20:18Z")
I’d probably dump THIS cheater, but I’ve forgiven cheating before, and I think each case has to be judged independently. This guy does sound like a manipulator, and you’ll be hurt by more than just cheating in the long run. You’ll have to give yourself a couple weeks to sort through your feelings (and the facts). Don’t feel like you have to make a decision right now. Use your head (and your gut) and don’t act too hastily right now. ---
**Author:** ![Chotii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@Chotii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chotii)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/34 "2004-04-15T15:32:29Z")
I sympathise deeply with the OP, and concur wholeheartedly with the people telling her to run, run away and never return. So much for my \Me too!\. My younger brother cheated on his wife. My younger brother was, at that point in his life, an ass. He didn’t turn into a tolerable human until the age of 27. My own father told his ex-wife to divorce him, and she did (and remarried and is happy now with a man who presumably treats her better.) My brother went on to marry the woman with whom he had cheated on his first wife, and as far as I know, they are perfectly happy and monogamously content. And she wouldn’t take any shit from him either, which is more than his first wife could say. My mother had a _cough_ series of flings at about the age of 40, at a point when my father was emotionally abusive and wasn’t giving her even remotely what she needed. He found out, he confronted her, and 20 years later they’re still married. I’m not sure he ever truly forgave her, and I have doubts that they have ever had sex again (and I can’t very well ask) but they’re still married. I’m reasonably certain she’s never even looked at another man. She’s afraid to. It’s possible for a cheater to go on and _not_ cheat in future relationships. However, the very fact that the OP’s boyfriend had sex of unknown safety with another man, thus putting OP’s health in very real danger, sets every bell in my head ringing. To me, it wouldn’t matter one whit if the guy really _did_ have a one-off for the first time in his whole life - some things don’t get second chances. I wouldn’t have blamed my father if he’d left mom, even though he bore half the fault in the original situation. I didn’t blame my sister in law for divorcing my brother. The breach of trust was inexcusable. One might argue that the OP and her boyfriend are not married, and so there has been no promise of exclusivity, and quite possibly they never had a discussion that involved the explicit agreement:, “While we are involved, neither of us will have relationships, even casual, with anyone else.” The OP may have simply assumed this was the mutual agreement. I don’t know. I think it’s always useful to make sure these things are stated explicitly, so there’s no second-guessing. But I still would leave the guy. What a jerk. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/35 "2004-04-15T15:37:28Z")
> [@](#): > > So there’s no confusion, I’m gay Well, you tried! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/36 "2004-04-15T16:24:54Z")
**rostfrei** , I am so sorry you have to go through this! Sexual orientation is not the issue, the fact that this guy’s a creep _is_ the issue! Put on your Nike’s (or whatever running shoe the fashionable gay man is wearing these days 🙂 ), and get the hell out really fast! I don’t think an affair _always_ has to spell the end of a relationship, but when a relationship is this new, and Jason so obviously intended to continue the extracurricular activities, just doesn’t bode well. Trust your instincts and dump him. I know you’re heart-broken, and we’ll be here for you while you get over it, and the whole situation truly sucks, but believe me, I think everyone who’s posted here only has your best interests at heart! ---
**Author:** ![Aries28](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e36b37/32.png) [@Aries28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aries28)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/37 "2004-04-15T16:42:06Z")
Most everybody else has given you the advice you need. I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry your heart is hurting. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Tokyo\_Mann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@Tokyo\_Mann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tokyo_Mann)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/38 "2004-04-15T16:52:26Z")
> [@rostfrei](#): > > On Sunday, I lost my cell phone and he was kind enough to loan me his, dude, unfortunetly, the guy is not only a cheat, but stupid. Drop is sorry ass. ---
**Author:** ![Darkhold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@Darkhold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darkhold)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/39 "2004-04-15T18:21:43Z")
> [@Silver Fire](#): > > I dunno. Serial cheaters are usually pretty good at it. In the OPs case it’s obvious this guy has no impluse control. That’s why I said serial cheater. He’ll nail every chance he gets with no thoughts to the consequences. ---
**Author:** ![Chotii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@Chotii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chotii)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033/40 "2004-04-15T18:46:27Z")
> [@Dung Beetle](#): > > Well, you tried! 🙂 Pity I have no reading comprehension. If I’d seen that bit about the OP being gay, I wouldn’t have kept calling him ‘her’. Sorry. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-i-need-advice/240033.md?page=3)