# My boyfriend is no longer interested in sex, what's going on? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 30, 2010, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852 "2010-04-30T10:44:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/61 "2010-04-30T18:58:43Z")
You mention that he’s a “big man”. How big? Is it overweight or is it muscle? Because weight does a lot to dampen libido, too…high blood pressure and the medication for same can make erection difficult, and, frankly, if you’re too overweight, sex can be really, really strenuous. Like, “I don’t have the energy” strenuous. If “big” means overweight, has he gained weight since you started seeing him? The difference between 150 pounds and 200 pounds (which isn’t really THAT huge of a gain in 2 years\*) is more intense than you’d think. \*By “not that huge of a gain”, I’m talking about how much weight it’s POSSIBLE to gain in that timeframe, not how much weight is HEALTHY to gain in that timeframe… ---
**Author:** ![Chickie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Chickie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chickie)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/62 "2010-04-30T19:49:32Z")
To me it seems funny to have been in a relationship with someone for 2 years and not be practically moved-in. You say he calls you every night? How many nights do you actually spend there? If you don’t like his bed, why doesn’t he stay at your place? The last time one of my exes lost interest in sex, he told me he was depressed and stressed out but didn’t want to talk about it. I thought, OK, I won’t pressure him and just be compassionate and encourage mentally-healthy thought patterns. Two weeks later he dumped me. Turns out he was “depressed” b/c the relationship wasn’t working for him and he didn’t know how to handle it. It took me utterly by surprise. No wonder he didn’t want to talk to me about it! I’m not trying to make anyone paranoid, but underline that open communication in these situations is really important. I’d consider his lack of wanting to talk about it to be more indicative of a problem than his lack of sex drive. After a 2-year relationship, he needs to feel comfortable opening up to you about what’s stressing him out, as opposed to pushing you away and being moody. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/63 "2010-04-30T20:45:44Z")
Some possible scenarios: -He’s just not that into you any more ☹ -Another woman -Too much masturbation, maybe he’s masturbating as a stress relief, which leaves him satisfied and not horny If he really does have big problems that can cause a lack of sex drive, but I’d think after a week or so he’d be ready for some action either way. It might be hard for him to get in the mood, but if he could get started it should really help. Same advice goes for the ladies really. Sometimes you just gotta make yourself get started. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/64 "2010-04-30T20:54:03Z")
> [@Chickie](#): > > I’d consider his lack of wanting to talk about it to be more indicative of a problem than his lack of sex drive. After a 2-year relationship, he needs to feel comfortable opening up to you about what’s stressing him out, as opposed to pushing you away and being moody. Some people feel less comfortable talking to anybody about their problems than other people do. If he’s always been the type who doesn’t like to talk about his problems, it’s less likely that this is a sign of something bad and more likely that this is just him doing what he does. Or he might be OK with talking about some kinds of problems, but not other kinds. In an ideal world, everybody might be happy to talk to their SO about whatever problems they are having. But in the real world, not everybody is. ---
**Author:** ![Giles](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giles/32/60_2.png) [@Giles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giles)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/65 "2010-04-30T20:59:47Z")
> [@Chickie](#): > > I’m not trying to make anyone paranoid, but underline that open communication in these situations is really important. I’d consider his lack of wanting to talk about it to be more indicative of a problem than his lack of sex drive. After a 2-year relationship, he needs to feel comfortable opening up to you about what’s stressing him out, as opposed to pushing you away and being moody. Yes, but he’s a man 🙂 – I’ve been married for more than 30 years, and I’m still sometimes uncomfortable about telling my wife about what’s stressing me. A lot of men really do not like talking about their problems, even to someone that they’re in a good relationship with. ---
**Author:** ![B.Serum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/b.serum/32/14266_2.png) [@B.Serum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/B.Serum)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/66 "2010-04-30T22:41:26Z")
First off, good luck on the mammogram. Before I offer any advice, when he mentioned the bit about not kissing with enough muscle, was that comment made in the context of talking about what you two are lacking in your intimate relationships, or was it made as an offhand, unrelated comment when you were speaking about something else? I’m trying to establish if you’re gathering up things he’s said that may have unintentionally made you feel insecure vs. things he’s said that have a direct bearing on his satisfaction with your intimate relationship. When he said that, what was your response? Did you try anything different? The stress thing can be a legitimate explanation, but it could also be a cop-out as well. The thing that has me concerned about what you wrote is his refusal to talk about the situation. I get that he may not **want** to, but not having open dialogue about your relationship will almost certainly guarantee worse problems down the road. Also, if you’re not getting the intimacy you signed up for, you have a legitimate beef. Is this a temporary downturn or is it the way things are going to be from now on? If not, for how long? And are you going to be satisfied living that type of life for that long? ---
**Author:** ![dragongirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b38774/32.png) [@dragongirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dragongirl)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/67 "2010-04-30T23:09:00Z")
He and I have been working to save money to get a house or apartment together, it’s just taking a little time. We spend about 2-3 nights a week together now. Today, he wanted to become intimate with me and we began, but…um…things deflated after a little while and he was very frustrated. He told me that his mind is willing, but the other thing isn’t. He also started talking about it a little bit, then stopped, then started until he said “I want to talk about it, but five minutes later, I can’t” He said he felt very badly and embarrassed. While he talks, I listen and I suggested that he see his doctor. He is a little overweight, when I say big, I mean very tall and well muscled. He also has high blood pressure and a history of clinical depression. I am not feeling like it’s me anymore (at least for today), I still hope I’m giving him the support he needs. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/68 "2010-04-30T23:17:25Z")
Sounds like a lot of the people giving advice here might have been on target. I hope he takes your advice to see a doctor and be honest with the doc about what’s been going on with him. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/69 "2010-04-30T23:39:31Z")
> [@dragongirl](#): > > He is a little overweight, when I say big, I mean very tall and well muscled. He also has high blood pressure and a history of clinical depression. That right there is a perfect recipe for occasional impotence. Especially the high blood pressure and the depression. Both high blood pressure and the medications to treat it can cause erectile problems. ---
**Author:** ![Perciful](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Perciful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Perciful)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/70 "2010-04-30T23:58:57Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > You guys need to give \*\*Perciful \*\*a break. She’s old- she comes from a time when men were men, and if he wasn’t fucking you, he was fucking _somebody_. Thanks Alice. No offense to the OP but he has the signs of being less then a total beast of manhood. Real men will plow you no matter what kind of day they had. Sex is a great stress reliever. Real men will break up with you decently and not play Broke Back Mountain on a woman they supposedly love. I could not believe that it happened to me… He was a little bit of a bitch but not obvious. He bitched a lot and that is usually the fairer sexes job. He was funny about sleeping with me. He slept naked and liked sleeping alone. Or he liked me to leave so he could then have his boy toy over or the other woman who he told the same stories to and made the same plans with. I gave him too much rope. In High school I had a guy say to me “It isn’t you, it’s me”. I called him on it and said, Please just spit it out. He said, “I’m seeing someone else.” If you think for a New York minute that something is seriously wrong, it is! Call it a womans intuition. Another red flag I didn’t mention is no real man that loved you would be so selfish at a time when you really need him. Only a selfish wuss would make excuses as you face a biospy. This is where Clark Kent puts his cape on and will fly to the ends of the earth for you. Sometimes it takes something major like your health for you to see that your man is not all he is cracked up to be. This is the time real men should shine, under pressure and in sickness and in health. In the good times and in the bad times. That is “true love” not a roll in the sack jack. Stop making excuses for him and good luck on your biospy. If he doesn’t go with you dump him. ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/71 "2010-05-01T00:06:39Z")
chair popcorn ---
**Author:** ![Trepa\_Mayfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@Trepa\_Mayfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trepa_Mayfield)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/72 "2010-05-01T00:53:39Z")
I feel like Perciful has a very specific definition of what a man is and is supposed to be, and that that definition is wrong; at the very least it is not necessarily correct. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/73 "2010-05-01T00:53:49Z")
[QUOTE= Bearflag70] chair popcorn [/QUOTE] Leave room for the lesbians. They’ll like this more than hockey. [QUOTE= Perciful] Real men will plow you no matter what kind of day they had. [/QUOTE] What about no matter what kind of day YOU had? Would a real man still plow you then? ---
**Author:** ![gravitycrash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@gravitycrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gravitycrash)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/74 "2010-05-01T00:59:34Z")
> [@Perciful](#): > > Thanks Alice. No offense to the OP but he has the signs of being less then a total beast of manhood. Real men will plow you no matter what kind of day they had. Sex is a great stress reliever. Real men will break up with you decently and not play Broke Back Mountain on a woman they supposedly love. I could not believe that it happened to me… He was a little bit of a bitch but not obvious. He bitched a lot and that is usually the fairer sexes job. He was funny about sleeping with me. He slept naked and liked sleeping alone. Or he liked me to leave so he could then have his boy toy over or the other woman who he told the same stories to and made the same plans with. I gave him too much rope. > > In High school I had a guy say to me “It isn’t you, it’s me”. I called him on it and said, Please just spit it out. He said, “I’m seeing someone else.” If you think for a New York minute that something is seriously wrong, it is! Call it a womans intuition. > > Another red flag I didn’t mention is no real man that loved you would be so selfish at a time when you really need him. Only a selfish wuss would make excuses as you face a biospy. This is where Clark Kent puts his cape on and will fly to the ends of the earth for you. Sometimes it takes something major like your health for you to see that your man is not all he is cracked up to be. This is the time real men should shine, under pressure and in sickness and in health. In the good times and in the bad times. That is “true love” not a roll in the sack jack. > > Stop making excuses for him and good luck on your biospy. If he doesn’t go with you dump him. This is a woosh, right? ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/75 "2010-05-01T01:05:35Z")
> [@dragongirl](#): > > Today, he wanted to become intimate with me and we began, but…um..things deflated after a little while and he was very frustrated. He told me that his mind is willing, but the other thing isn’t. He also started talking about it a little bit, then stopped, then started until he said “I want to talk about it, but five minutes later, I can’t” He said he felt very badly and embarrassed. While he talks, I listen and I suggested that he see his doctor. He is a little overweight, when I say big, I mean very tall and well muscled. He also has high blood pressure and a history of clinical depression. I did consider the fact that he didn’t want to talk about it a red flag, but given your comments above, I’m less concerned. At least he’s trying. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Except could you at least try to sleep naked a few times? That would be a good show of support. He’ll see that you tried (again) at least. And totally give him that blow job. Oh, right. I forgot. You should dump him immediately because he’s a cheating bisexual bitchy alcoholic pedophilic fake man. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/76 "2010-05-01T01:08:32Z")
Look, I’m a guy with a pretty damn high sex drive, and occasionally, but rarely, I’m not interested either. I’m just too worn out, be it physically or emotionally to deal with sex. I just want to get some sleep, or some alone time to think stuff over without having to deal with anything else. It happens to all men; and he’s got more than enough on his plate to put him off his game. That said, I’m reading his commentary differently. He seems to be asking for a little more force and aggression on your part. Does he usually do the lion’s share of the physical work during sex, or do you guys switch on and off equally? The PJ’s thing sounds like he’s having at least a mild case of ED to me. He’s annoyed that when he’s finally relaxed enough to try something he’s got to fight his way through the “cozies” to get there. If he’s already in a bit of a fugue state then it’s just not worth the trouble. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/77 "2010-05-01T01:24:48Z")
> [@Perciful](#): > > Thanks Alice. No offense to the OP but he has the signs of being less then a total beast of manhood. Real men will plow you no matter what kind of day they had. Sex is a great stress reliever. Real men will break up with you decently and not play Broke Back Mountain on a woman they supposedly love. I could not believe that it happened to me… He was a little bit of a bitch but not obvious. He bitched a lot and that is usually the fairer sexes job. He was funny about sleeping with me. He slept naked and liked sleeping alone. Or he liked me to leave so he could then have his boy toy over or the other woman who he told the same stories to and made the same plans with. I gave him too much rope. > > In High school I had a guy say to me “It isn’t you, it’s me”. I called him on it and said, Please just spit it out. He said, “I’m seeing someone else.” If you think for a New York minute that something is seriously wrong, it is! Call it a womans intuition. > > Another red flag I didn’t mention is no real man that loved you would be so selfish at a time when you really need him. Only a selfish wuss would make excuses as you face a biospy. This is where Clark Kent puts his cape on and will fly to the ends of the earth for you. Sometimes it takes something major like your health for you to see that your man is not all he is cracked up to be. This is the time real men should shine, under pressure and in sickness and in health. In the good times and in the bad times. That is “true love” not a roll in the sack jack. > > Stop making excuses for him and good luck on your biospy. If he doesn’t go with you dump him. Wow. And you’re not a virgin? Will wonders never cease. Only a selfish wuss would expect their partner to only think about them despite the stress already present. Who’s to say he hasn’t been supportive of the OP and her biopsy? :dubious: To the OP: he sounds like he is overwhelmed with life stuff and perhaps already in some kind of vicious cycle. A visit to the doctor is a good idea. So is nonsexual physical intimacy–you both sound like you’re in need of hugs at the moment. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/78 "2010-05-01T03:11:47Z")
My sex drive is higher than my boyfriend’s, and there are nights when I’m in the mood and he isn’t particularly. On those nights he helps me get off, and sometimes that puts him in the mood and he joins in. Sometimes it doesn’t, and that’s okay too. Maybe you could ask your boyfriend to do the same for you, and see how it goes? Helping a girl masturbate does wonders for a guy’s libido, I find. 😉 Plus, I understand that he’s stressed, but it does seem reasonable that he doesn’t ignore your desires completely, you know? (The opposite does happen for us, where he gets off and I don’t, although it’s rare that he’s in the mood and I’m not.) Of course, when he’s REALLY not in the mood (for example, his father was very ill recently) that affects my mood as well, and then we just cuddle for comfort with no sex. That’s okay too. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/79 "2010-05-01T04:24:17Z")
> [@Perciful](#): > > T Real men will plow you no matter what kind of day they had. What a great quote. It’s like something from the 50’s, hidden in a time capsule in the ladies’ toilet at the drive in. . ---
**Author:** ![simple\_homer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9de0a6/32.png) [@simple\_homer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simple_homer)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/80 "2010-05-01T05:32:33Z")
> [@dragongirl](#): > > He is a little overweight, when I say big, I mean very tall and well muscled. He also has high blood pressure and a history of clinical depression. > . Is it possible he is also using steroids ? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852.md?page=5)