# My boyfriend is no longer interested in sex, what's going on? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 30, 2010, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852 "2010-04-30T10:44:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/81 "2010-05-01T05:40:43Z")
It sounds to me too that he has a lot going on (including worrying about you) and he just isn’t feeling dead sexy right now. Forget the blowjobs; just rub his back and give him no-strings-attached comfort and support. Touching is very important for couples to stay connected, but you can touch and soothe each other in many ways other than sexually. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/82 "2010-05-01T05:43:39Z")
Men are known by their jobs. If he’s stressed over losing his that can be a really BIG deal. Beds are a whole different problem. I can easily take up a queen size bed by myself. I also turn continuously like a hot dog rotisserie. It’s best to have 2 twin beds stuck together. they make frames and sheets for this. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/83 "2010-05-01T06:22:21Z")
Even the most sexually active guys can go through a dry spell caused by stress. Way back when I was still with my former BF, he (of the MUST HAVE IT TWICE A DAY flavor), got pretty uninterested. Like your BF he was going through some stuff at the time. After a few months, he was back to his normal self. Give it some time and let the stressors die down somewhat. Back off a bit and have fun in other ways, preferably CHEAP ones 🙂 If, in a reasonable amount of time, things aren’t progressing, revisit the “talk”, and the possibility that he really isn’t into you anymore, but don’t borrow trouble. As to the PJs and kissing thing, that sounds like an opportunity to me. Even if you don’t like sleeping naked, wouldn’t you be willing to try it at least once or twice? Maybe a change is just what the doctor ordered. As to the kissing, how about saying “really? Would you teach me what really turns you on?” You might have fun, guys can tend to get bored when sex is always the same (including how you kiss), so maybe willingness to change things up a bit might get his motor revving again. Relax and give it a bit of time. ---
**Author:** ![Khaki\_Campbell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de053/32.png) [@Khaki\_Campbell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khaki_Campbell)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/84 "2010-05-01T06:42:27Z")
> [@Perciful](#): > > Real men will plow you no matter what kind of day they had. Sex is a great stress reliever. Real women will cook dinner and do the dishes no matter what kind of day they had. Household is a great stress reliever. …All of a sudden it becomes quite a little less acceptable, uh :rolleyes: ? ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 6:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/85 "2010-05-01T06:56:21Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > As to the OP, I’d say **just ride it out with him.** bolding mine heeeee. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/86 "2010-05-01T07:13:20Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > Um… did the sarcasm not drip from every letter of my post?? Enough to bore holes in the floor. It sounds to me like the stress you’re both undergoing right now is more than enough to switch him off. At the same time, you’re at a time when feeling that you’re attractive to him would ease your own stress. Are you, as a couple, the kind who can do things like cuddle and hug without it having to lead to PiV? Maybe you can work on that end, learning to express affection in physical ways which don’t require a “performance”. My parents and their parents and every sibling of theirs had twin beds pulled together; Dad liked going to sleep with a heavy blanket (which he hogged like nobody’s business) but would toss it off the bed as soon as he fell asleep, Mom likes a lighter blanket. My sister-in-law was enormously surprised to find out that it’s possible for a couple to have a sex life that doesn’t involve a king-size (Middlebro and her have a king-size and both complain about the other one hogging the blankets). ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 9:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/87 "2010-05-01T09:57:09Z")
Grats, you’ve turned him gay. 😃 J/K. 😃 Usually, if a man stops wanting sex (after a long time of consistently wanting sex,) he’s getting it somewhere else. You say he calls you at night, that means he’s not home. You say he’s got job stress, I’m assuming that means he’s working late 2-3 times a week. ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 11:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/88 "2010-05-01T11:31:56Z")
**Perciful** I’m curious, did your BF become interested in men before or after he’d met you? ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/89 "2010-05-01T11:32:34Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > bolding mine > > heeeee. 😃 Darn- I wanted to post that! ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/90 "2010-05-01T12:19:22Z")
OK, everyone else has already said it, but I still agree - it is very possibly stress and/or depression. (In real life, when I know someone well, I make the joke that you should put more men on the job… I also usually volunteer.) ---
**Author:** ![Perciful](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Perciful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Perciful)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/91 "2010-05-01T14:24:03Z")
> [@Lust4Life](#): > > **Perciful** I’m curious, did your BF become interested in men before or after he’d met you? Well this is what I found out. The guy he was seeing at work he had a relationship with since he was in High School. Over 20 years. His boy toy is a married man and his wife knows he is bi and doesn’t mind. The women he was seeing I found out was just a lady in town that I actually went over and met and had coffee with. She had no idea what was going on either. He said the same thing to her word for word he said to me and made the same plans. It was very bizarre! My Moms ped boyfriend was equally a shock. Retired school teacher. Drank a lot but no real indications he liked boys. Someone told me to ask to move in with any guy that you suspect and he will never want to do that. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/92 "2010-05-01T14:45:50Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Stress has never affected my libido, by the way. I’m not buying that. What does one thing have to do with the other? If anything, it’s a _relief_ of stress. That’s just an excuse when guys say that. It means they’re getting it somewhere else, they’re gay or they’re not attracted to the woman anymore. Are you serious? I appreciate the art involved in taking a contrarian view, but this is simply lazy and asinine. In most men the penis and the brain are connected at some point. Good for you if you can hump under any circumstances, but not all men are wired that way. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/93 "2010-05-01T14:59:49Z")
> [@Perciful](#): > > Thanks Alice. No offense to the OP but he has the signs of being less then a total beast of manhood. Real men will plow you no matter what kind of day they had. Sex is a great stress reliever. Real men will break up with you decently and not play Broke Back Mountain on a woman they supposedly love. MY BS-o-Meter on you actually being a woman is pegged. I have a hard time believing a real woman would ever write a sentence like that, or use that specific phrasing. It sounds like exactly like something a male teenager would write. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/94 "2010-05-01T16:20:50Z")
There’s something so odd about the word ‘Plow’, it sounds both harsh and dated. To me it sounds like Pinky Tuscadero or Rizzo, but when they’re in their late 40’s and bitter as hell. Maybe in the back room, after Arnold’s has become a strip club. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/95 "2010-05-01T17:17:32Z")
> [@Perciful](#): > > Well this is what I found out. The guy he was seeing at work he had a relationship with since he was in High School. Over 20 years. His boy toy is a married man and his wife knows he is bi and doesn’t mind. \ That would make an awesome movie. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/96 "2010-05-01T17:21:23Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Stress has never affected my libido, by the way. I’m not buying that. What does one thing have to do with the other? If anything, it’s a _relief_ of stress. That’s just an excuse when guys say that. It means they’re getting it somewhere else, they’re gay or they’re not attracted to the woman anymore. For discussion purposes we’re talking about 2 different kinds of stresses. One is a deadline for a project. You know it will end and there is great satisfaction waiting for you. Break out the champagne. The other is the stress of impending loss. Losing a job is a big deal to men. I’m not talking about losing a pizza delivery job, I’m talking about a serious bread-winner job. It is one of the way’s men define themselves. If that is threatened it is an emasculating libido killer. It can manifest itself in depression, withdrawal and lashing out. If a job is one of the way’s a man defines himself then sexual function is another. It becomes s feedback loop of emasculation to lose performance/desire because of stress. This won’t be a perfect analogy but imagine the stress of getting testicular cancer or breast cancer. There is impending loss of something that defines you with the uncertainty of what the future will bring. ---
**Author:** ![Khaki\_Campbell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de053/32.png) [@Khaki\_Campbell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khaki_Campbell)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/97 "2010-05-01T17:23:59Z")
Perfectly said, **Magiver**. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/98 "2010-05-01T17:31:23Z")
> [@Perciful](#): > > If he has cut way back he’s getting it somewhere else. Bullshit. I can’t say that the OP’s SO isn’t cheating on her, but please don’t generalize men as cheaters. Despite all the jokes and stereotypes, men aren’t always interested in having sex. I’ve had periods of mild depression where I didn’t feel like having sex and my gfs reacted with concern just like the OP. His disinterest in sex might just be a symptom. You said he’s having issues with his family and he’s afraid that he might lose his job. Stress and fear can really kill a person’s sex drive. And **Perciful** , while what you went through sucks, it’s really unlikely that the OP’s SO is a cheating bisexual pedophile. There’s no need to scare her with the possibilities. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/99 "2010-05-01T17:35:17Z")
**Cynic** , maybe -I’m- the crazy one here, but stress and depression (as in feeling blue, not medical depression) have certainly affected my libido in the past. I’ve had periods where I wasn’t interested in sex with my girlfriends and it wasn’t because I was cheating, gay or no longer attracted to them. The phases passed and the fucking continued. ---
**Author:** ![nicole1912](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9de0a6/32.png) [@nicole1912](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nicole1912)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/100 "2010-05-01T17:44:18Z")
I love this thread. The good advice in it around “stress kills sex drive” is all well and good, but who wants the most likely option? Much more entertaining is the possibility that he’s actually a secretly bisexual cheater, who’s probably sleeping with married men. Even if he’s not bi, he’s probably cheating on you somehow, because no real man would ever pass up an opportunity to have sex in a long-term relationship - I mean, seriously? Have you people never been massively stressed? Do you really, continually, feel horny and want to have sex, no matter what else is going on in your life? (And the real men will plow you, no matter what, comment was the funniest thing I’ve read in ages.) OP, I wish you the best of luck with your mammogram, and am keeping my fingers crossed that the results come back clear for you, and that your partner’s job situation resolves itself soon. I think you’re very likely to find that your sex life sorts itself out at that point too, since - as many sane people have pointed out - stressed people often don’t feel up to having sex. Would any of the people in here who have posited the “real men always want sex, so he must be cheating on you” option say the same if the genders were reversed in this scenario and the OP was worried about his girlfriend who was feeling crap over possibly losing her job, having issues with her family, and didn’t want to have sex? I suspect not. Men do get stressed, too, shocking as this concept may be for some of you, and oddly this can affect their sex drive. Just like women. You’d think we were the same species, or something! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852.md?page=6)