# My boyfriend is no longer interested in sex, what's going on? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 30, 2010, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852 "2010-04-30T10:44:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![runcible\_spoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc29f/32.png) [@runcible\_spoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runcible_spoon)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/101 "2010-05-01T18:58:46Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Enough to bore holes in the floor. Real men will bore holes in the floor no matter what kind of day they had. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2010, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/102 "2010-05-02T00:18:19Z")
> [@Bearflag70](#): > > chair > popcorn +1 > [@gravitycrash](#): > > This is a woosh, right? Check out the join date. I think not. So, **Perciful** …why don’t you start an “Ask the daughter of a woman whose boyfriend turned out to be a pederast” thread? Or just tell us more, right here? ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2010, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/103 "2010-05-02T02:29:10Z")
> [@runcible\_spoon](#): > > Real men will bore holes in the floor no matter what kind of day they had. Old fashioned WOOD flooring I take it? ---
**Author:** ![Ostrya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/35a633/32.png) [@Ostrya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ostrya)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2010, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/104 "2010-05-02T02:51:46Z")
What an interesting landslide. Since I don’t even slightly know the persons in the OP, I won’t even venture a guess to the issue at hand but only hope it’s simply stress related and things work out soon. ~hugs dragongirl~ ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2010, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/105 "2010-05-02T05:38:59Z")
> [@Cicero](#): > > Darn- I wanted to post that! Ooops sorry… I’m usually 4 hours behind a good percentage of the Dopers, so it’s not often I get to smart off to one of these Freudian slips 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2010, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/106 "2010-05-02T14:12:29Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Oh, right. I forgot. You should dump him immediately because he’s a cheating bisexual bitchy alcoholic pedophilic fake man. Hey now you’re just making shit up. He’s not an alcoholic. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2010, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/107 "2010-05-02T14:28:46Z")
> [@Autolycus](#): > > Hey now you’re just making shit up. He’s not an alcoholic. Stop enabling him! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![runcible\_spoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc29f/32.png) [@runcible\_spoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runcible_spoon)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2010, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/108 "2010-05-02T15:02:43Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Old fashioned WOOD flooring I take it? Real men use sod. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2010, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/109 "2010-05-02T15:38:08Z")
> [@Belrix](#): > > Stress & simple tiredness are huge hits to my (male) libido. When I’m tired, the first thing to go out the window is sex. > > Add to that that I do have on-and-off erectile issues and, fairly often, I take a blue pill to help out. When you’re worried if you’re gonna get it up or not, trust me, it’s more often “not”. It was mentioned above that Viagra doesn’t create desire - true - but worrying if you’re going to fail during sex is a real desire killer. How do you get past this? It seems like this would create a big feedback loop where you just stop having any sex at all. How do you make sure your SO doesn’t think your lack of desire is about her? ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2010, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/110 "2010-05-02T16:03:55Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Stress has never affected my libido, by the way. I’m not buying that. What does one thing have to do with the other? If anything, it’s a _relief_ of stress. That’s just an excuse when guys say that. It means they’re getting it somewhere else, they’re gay or they’re not attracted to the woman anymore. That’s absolutely not true in my case. Generally speaking, I’m not the highest libido-ed guy on the planet, but I’m pretty normal. Put me under enough stress between work and homelife though, and I’ll easily go a week or so with no interest in sex or masturbation. It’s not that I’m impotent at those times - I _can_ get it up and go, but my performance is lackluster at best, and my heart’s just not in it. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2010, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/111 "2010-05-02T23:37:33Z")
> [@Magiver](#): > > If a job is one of the way’s a man defines himself then sexual function is another. It becomes s feedback loop of emasculation to lose performance/desire because of stress. Bingo. Add performance problems to this, and you have a mess. **dragongirl** , have you tried cuddling without sex? Might make him feel more desirable without the stress. Also, is he on any sort of medication? Half of the heart medication I’ve been on lists sex issues as side effects - didn’t happen for me, but it could. I know Dear Abby would say he should see a doctor, and I think that this is good advice. ---
**Author:** ![Sablicious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@Sablicious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sablicious)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2010, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/112 "2010-05-03T12:43:39Z")
He’s into transsexuals/ladyboys/newhalfs now. It seems a natural progression for most open-minded males these days. : ) ---
**Author:** ![nicole1912](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9de0a6/32.png) [@nicole1912](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nicole1912)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2010, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/113 "2010-05-03T12:50:06Z")
Will I be traumatised if I google newhalfs? I agree though, bisexual adultery is so passé these days, everyone’s doing it. (Well, at least all the men; I get the impression that women aren’t instantly assumed to be sleeping with their female friends and/or colleagues if they’re occasionally uninterested in marital sex…) ---
**Author:** ![Perciful](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Perciful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Perciful)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2010, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/114 "2010-05-03T13:04:33Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Bullshit. > > And **Perciful** , while what you went through sucks, it’s really unlikely that the OP’s SO is a cheating bisexual pedophile. There’s no need to scare her with the possibilities. Yes, I’m sorry about that. I wish I could publish it as a short story but it is just to weird. No one would believe there are people out there like that :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Kolga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e56c9b/32.png) [@Kolga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kolga)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2010, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/115 "2010-05-03T13:06:43Z")
> [@Perciful](#): > > No one would believe there are people out there like that :dubious: Sure they would. We just don’t believe the OP’s boyfriend is one of them. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2010, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/116 "2010-05-03T14:25:29Z")
If I were female and I were the OP, I would try either coming to bed naked or getting into bed and then getting naked. Then nuzzle up to the hubby, let the naughty bits contact. Don’t expect anything, just try it and see what happens. Don’t get your feelings hurt if he doesn’t respond. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2010, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/117 "2010-05-03T15:16:51Z")
> [@control-z](#): > > If I were female and I were the OP, I would try either coming to bed naked or getting into bed and then getting naked. Then nuzzle up to the hubby, let the naughty bits contact. Don’t expect anything, just try it and see what happens. Don’t get your feelings hurt if he doesn’t respond. This is very good advice. No expectations, just … naughty contact. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Long\_Time\_First\_Time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@Long\_Time\_First\_Time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Long_Time_First_Time)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2010, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/118 "2010-05-03T19:50:25Z")
To split the difference between the “stressed” and the “bisexual” positions in this thread… A straight guy doesn’t start sucking other men’s dicks because they are stressed. Stress can get blamed for a lot of things. But I’ve been told (and in my own experience found) that stress is not going to change somebody’s basic nature. I was married to a guy whom I strongly suspect had an attraction to men. When he was stressed, he didn’t just roll over and go to sleep. He’d visit male porn sites. Sorry, but most heterosexual men, no matter how stressed, are not likely to do that. For the record I’m NOT suggesting the situation with the OP is one or the other - just pointing out that one could be expected, if one picked up on cues and statements made by one’s partner, to differentiate stressed from bi as the reason they are not interested in sex. ---
**Author:** ![Translucent\_Daydream](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/translucent_daydream/32/16170_2.png) [@Translucent\_Daydream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Translucent_Daydream)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2010, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/119 "2010-05-03T20:01:01Z")
> [@Perciful](#): > > I dated a guy like this… He was a bisexual cheater. I was the last to know. The tip off for me was the small bed bit, the excuses, the way you kiss. He doesn’t want you to live with him because then he would be exposed. The guy I dated for almost two years called me every night too but I eventually found out the farce by accident. I was part of a very sick thing and something inside told me there was a problem. Follow your gut. > > Sex is very important for men. If he has cut way back he’s getting it somewhere else. If he doesn’t think you kiss hard enough Hello?! He doesn’t like the way you sleep with pj’s? You might just be a front for this guy. > > I’d hire a PI and find out what is really going on or move on. After 2 years you should either be moving towards living together and marriage or onto something else. I hope I am wrong but something is wrong and you owe it to yourself to find out. It sounds like he has an excuse for everything but penises don’t lie well. > > My mother dated a man for three years only to find out he was a pedophile. I never got a good feeling around him and he drank too much. Someone in his family called my Mother and told her the truth and she dumped him. He was a retired teacher! > > Take care of yourself and good luck with your tests. Okay sorry but forget all that. To put it bluntly to make a point: Men’s sexuality is at least partially based on “feeling like a man.” Plowing his girlfriend makes a man feel like a man. Men define themselves largely by what they do, not how they feel like women can do. Things are going on at work that might cause him to lose his job, and that isn’t manly. Not feeling like a man can take away the drive. ---
**Author:** ![markm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@markm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markm)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2010, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/120 "2010-05-03T21:36:15Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > How do you get past this? It seems like this would create a big feedback loop where you just stop having any sex at all. How do you make sure your SO doesn’t think your lack of desire is about her? As a mid-30’s male going through a divorce because of nearly this same situation, I can take a crack at it. I cannot speak for all men, but I can give a male perspective on this sort of situation. Granted, others have already chimed in, but I’ve been in this same situation with different causes (not job-loss stress or familial stress, but stress nonetheless.) We were together for 11 years, married for nearly 9 of them. My libido has never been consistent, as I will go through spells of nonstop desire for sex, then I may go through periods of barely any interest at all. Usually, the periods of non-interest coincide with outside factors, be it stress or interest in other things that overtake this desire for whatever reason. Early in the relationship, she either was not bothered by this pattern, or did not notice it. Then all of a sudden, when I was going through one of my ‘dry spells’ about 6 months ago, she became quite upset by it. She asked if I was having an affair. I was not, nor have I ever. I used nearly the same line that he used about the hot lesbians inviting me to watch. I used that line trying to prove to her that it truly was not because of her and that it was an issue on my part. It did not help. The years have gilded the memories of our early years for her, so when I tried to counter her argument about how voracious I was when we were younger by pointing out the fact this pattern has always been there, she denied it. She simply could not remember it, so it must not have been the case. I tried to assure her I was still attracted to her, both physically and emotionally, but that I simply had not the desire at the time to act upon this, but this just caused her advances to become more aggressive, thinking I needed some sort of motivation or coaxing. All this did was push me further away because it made me feel she did not understand me and it also bothered me because it made me feel abnormal. I was frequently told that “no 30-something year old male is not interested in sex. They’re either getting it elsewhere or just not interested in their current partner anymore.” Neither of those were the case, but how do you prove it? By the time my desire returned, the damage was done. She was no longer interested in being intimate with me, which also put strain on our relationship in areas outside the bedroom. This culminated in her eventual announcement that she was moving out, and then the announcement that it would become permanent. I have no real advice for the OP, and am sorry for the hijack. I will say if you truly care for him, be patient with him, and talk with him. I guess I posted this to answer the question provided by pbbth (and the answer is, short version, you work through it eventually, or it crashes on you. You also do what you can to make her feel attractive, but know that she will see this as empty gestures.) I also guess I posted it to counter some of the real he-man never fail in the bed unless they’re impotent or gay comments. Now back to lurking. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852.md?page=7)