# My boyfriend is no longer interested in sex, what's going on? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 30, 2010, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852 "2010-04-30T10:44:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![rogerbox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/76d3ee/32.png) [@rogerbox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rogerbox)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2010, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/121 "2010-05-03T21:48:05Z")
> [@Magiver](#): > > Losing a job is a big deal to men. I’m not talking about losing a pizza delivery job, I’m talking about a serious bread-winner job. Why would someone with a crap pizza delivery job not be equally, or even MORE stressed out about losing it than a “serious bread-winner job”? SBWJ guy probably has some savings and connections and networks of support whereas Pizza boy is most likely living hand-to-mouth. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2010, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/122 "2010-05-03T22:09:31Z")
> [@julius blaze](#): > > Why would someone with a crap pizza delivery job not be equally, or even MORE stressed out about losing it than a “serious bread-winner job”? SBWJ guy probably has some savings and connections and networks of support whereas Pizza boy is most likely living hand-to-mouth. Well, that can work both ways. When you are at the bottom of the wage ladder, you are used to not having much money nor do people really expect you to. More importantly, if you can find ANY other low wage job, you’ll be good as before. Low wage jobs can typically be filled by anyone with a decent work ethic, a lack of a criminal record, and a decent amount of common sense (no offense meant to all you hard working wage slaves out there that IMO actually EARN the money you get paid). OTOH, if you have a high paying job, you probably have rather specialized skill sets, experience, and education. Which means that if you lose that job, its going to be hard to find another specialized job that you have the qualifications for and will pay as well. Yeah, short term (like for a period of months or less), the SBWJ is probably in a better position than the minimum wage pizza guy living week to week or day to day. But in the longer term, the SBWJ is gonna be in deep shit. He/she might not find another “good” job for a long time. And the longer the time they don’t find one the less likely they will ever get hired for that kind of job again. Which means they end up getting a job that doesnt use their qualifications/experience. Which generally means less pay. Tiger Woods aint going to get paid nearly as well as a carpenter than he does playing golf and for good reason. ---
**Author:** ![runcible\_spoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc29f/32.png) [@runcible\_spoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runcible_spoon)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2010, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/123 "2010-05-03T22:14:43Z")
> [@julius blaze](#): > > Why would someone with a crap pizza delivery job not be equally, or even MORE stressed out about losing it than a “serious bread-winner job”? SBWJ guy probably has some savings and connections and networks of support whereas Pizza boy is most likely living hand-to-mouth. I think the assumption is that SBWJ guy has more of his ego tied up in his job than Mr. Pizza Boy. Financially, it may be less stressful (or not, if he has more financial obligations as well as income), but it’s more of a blow psychologically. I’m sort of in between Pizza Boy and SBWJ status, and I’m much more sensitive about my freelance work than my day job, because it’s more important to me that I be good at what I love. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2010, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/124 "2010-05-03T22:43:48Z")
Ego and identity. A man is likely to think of himself as a lawyer or a doctor, but less likely to think of himself as a pizza delivery boy (i.e. it’s what he does to make money, not his career). ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2010, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/125 "2010-05-03T22:45:43Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Ego and identity. A man is likely to think of himself as a lawyer or a doctor, but less likely to think of himself as a pizza delivery boy (i.e. it’s what he does to make money, not his career). Exactly. For example: I’m not a bum, but I _am_ a love machine. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2010, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/126 "2010-05-04T00:08:50Z")
I agree with markm and have experienced the same “cycle” of desire. Sometimes you can’t get enough, other times it’s really not important. I guess that’s part of why people say they have to “work” at relationships, even if I’m not in the mood I still have sex and often I get into it after I get started. Even if I don’t my gf gets a lot of satisfaction from it and that makes us both happy. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2010, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/127 "2010-05-04T03:48:18Z")
> [@julius blaze](#): > > Why would someone with a crap pizza delivery job not be equally, or even MORE stressed out about losing it than a “serious bread-winner job”? SBWJ guy probably has some savings and connections and networks of support whereas Pizza boy is most likely living hand-to-mouth. The rest of my post explained the sentence. Men identify themselves with their job. It is not just a monetary loss. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2010, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/128 "2010-05-04T04:01:02Z")
To the pizza delivery guy that is still his job and his loss of self esteem. He may never have known what it is like to be a high flyer ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2010, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/129 "2010-05-04T04:42:09Z")
> [@Cicero](#): > > To the pizza delivery guy that is still his job and his loss of self esteem. He may never have known what it is like to be a high flyer I suppose that’s true of people who retire at age 65 from a long and successful career in the pizza delivery field but that’s not the point I was making. ---
**Author:** ![Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/try2b_comprehensive/32/65_2.png) [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Try2B_Comprehensive)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2010, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/130 "2010-05-04T04:53:54Z")
> [@dragongirl](#): > > I’ve been with him for about 2 years. We used to have sex regularly, but over the past two months it’s slowed down quite a bit. > > Last night, I started to initiate things, and he told me that he was not interested. He said that it was not me, or anything to do with me, that he loves me a lot. He said that three lesbians could walk in and get started and he would feel nothing. He said that men judge themselves by sexual performance and this embarrasses him and that is why he hasn’t wanted to talk about it. Now that he has, he doesn’t want to talk about it again. He says it’s a patch that we have to get through. > > He is under stress and may be losing his job soon and he is having some issues with his family. In addition to that, I recently discovered a lump in my breast and will be going for a mammogram in the next few days. To me, that would be pretty valid reasons to not be in the mood, but I am wondering if something else is going on here. > > He’s always had problems with the fact that I do not sleep naked. I don’t have any hang-ups, I’m just not comfortable that way. We also don’t sleep well together, his bed is not big and he is a big man who is a blanket hog. One of us usually ends up on the couch. And last week, he said that I didn’t kiss with enough muscle, which is nothing he ever complained about before. However, he calls me every night, several times and he is affectionate otherwise. > > I am trying very hard not to be insecure, but that is a little tough for me. I want to support him, but I don’t know how. Anyone got any advice or insight or anything? I read ONLY the OP, but my advice is: Get a bigger bed! Get some 1000 thread count sheets! And a comforter! And maybe try to kiss with a ‘little more muscle’. I mean, at least once. You’re married? No just dating. I bet you could hook up with some other dude if you wanted. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Kobayashi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4af34b/32.png) [@Mr.Kobayashi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Kobayashi)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2010, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/131 "2010-05-04T04:55:59Z")
Just to throw out another idea; You mentioned that your boyfriend has had a history with clinical depression - was he ever on any meds for it? Some of the side effects of commonly prescribed meds can include loss of libido and impotence, possibly even after the course has ceased. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2010, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/132 "2010-05-04T05:01:58Z")
> [@Magiver](#): > > I suppose that’s true of people who retire at age 65 from a long and successful career in the pizza delivery field but that’s not the point I was making. You flatter yourself that I was replying to your post. ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2010, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/133 "2010-05-04T11:01:55Z")
What I find bizarre is women lecturing us how men think and feel. Its like me explaining how women feel when they’re having a period. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 10:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/134 "2010-05-05T10:02:10Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Stress has never affected my libido, by the way. I’m not buying that. What does one thing have to do with the other? If anything, it’s a _relief_ of stress. That’s just an excuse when guys say that. It means they’re getting it somewhere else, they’re gay or they’re not attracted to the woman anymore. A bunch of people have stated that stress will affect their libido. Which is more logical: that every person who has said so is lying, or that your experience is atypical? This seems to be a common theme in your posts. Just because you have a different experience and/or cannot explain something does not mean it is untrue. To assume so is the height of arrogance. You seem to want to present yourself as an intelligent person. Remarks like this do you no favors. ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/135 "2010-05-06T03:43:10Z")
> [@Perciful](#): > > I dated a guy like this… He was a bisexual cheater. I was the last to know. The tip off for me was the small bed bit, the excuses, the way you kiss. He doesn’t want you to live with him because then he would be exposed. The guy I dated for almost two years called me every night too but I eventually found out the farce by accident. I was part of a very sick thing and something inside told me there was a problem. Follow your gut. > > Sex is very important for men. If he has cut way back he’s getting it somewhere else. If he doesn’t think you kiss hard enough Hello?! He doesn’t like the way you sleep with pj’s? You might just be a front for this guy. > > I’d hire a PI and find out what is really going on or move on. After 2 years you should either be moving towards living together and marriage or onto something else. I hope I am wrong but something is wrong and you owe it to yourself to find out. It sounds like he has an excuse for everything but penises don’t lie well. > > My mother dated a man for three years only to find out he was a pedophile. I never got a good feeling around him and he drank too much. Someone in his family called my Mother and told her the truth and she dumped him. He was a retired teacher! > > Take care of yourself and good luck with your tests. That’s ridiculous… He’s **clearly** a furry. ---
**Author:** ![malkavia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malkavia/32/5621_2.png) [@malkavia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/malkavia)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/136 "2010-05-06T03:49:30Z")
> [@Lust4Life](#): > > What I find bizarre is women lecturing us how men think and feel. > **Its like me explaining how women feel when they’re having a period.** Ridiculous. All men know the answer to that is “sticky”. ---
**Author:** ![marshmallow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@marshmallow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marshmallow)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/137 "2010-05-06T05:07:05Z")
I’m guessing the OP can’t relate to the idea that in some people stress --\> bad libido idea because she has a lump on her breast and she still wants to do it. Frankly though, it sounds more medical. He’s a “big guy” with high blood pressure and a history of depression? Yeah. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/138 "2010-05-06T06:42:42Z")
> [@markm](#): > > I tried to assure her I was still attracted to her, both physically and emotionally, but that I simply had not the desire at the time to act upon this, but this just caused her advances to become more aggressive, thinking I needed some sort of motivation or coaxing. All this did was push me further away because it made me feel she did not understand me and it also bothered me because it made me feel abnormal. I was frequently told that “no 30-something year old male is not interested in sex. They’re either getting it elsewhere or just not interested in their current partner anymore.” Neither of those were the case, but how do you prove it? I have a question about this, which I also have for women in a similar situation, but which I never wanted to ask for fear of being called a sexist pig (and quite rightly.) Sure you had a lack of desire, but intellectually you probably knew what this was doing to your marriage. Why not at least feign interest once in a while? Did you have a moral aversion to intimacy without some level of desire? ---
**Author:** ![markm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@markm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markm)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/139 "2010-05-06T15:00:08Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > I have a question about this, which I also have for women in a similar situation, but which I never wanted to ask for fear of being called a sexist pig (and quite rightly.) Sure you had a lack of desire, but intellectually you probably knew what this was doing to your marriage. Why not at least feign interest once in a while? Did you have a moral aversion to intimacy without some level of desire? I did know what it was doing to the relationship and because of this I did ‘feign interest’ sometimes, but even though I did my best to make it appear sincere, she knew it was not, and I honestly think that bothered her more. That made it look like a pity move. Worse than feeling rejected is feeling rejected and pitied. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852/140 "2010-05-06T18:23:30Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > it seems likely that he just needs to pop some Viagra. > [@dragongirl](#): > > He told me that his mind is willing, but the other thing isn’t. Whooooooooooooooo! Called it! Wooooo! Thread win! High fives all around? Eh? Eh? … Guys? Where you going? 😛 > [@CanvasShoes](#): > > bolding mine > heeeee. 😃 > [@Cicero](#): > > Darn- I wanted to post that! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey! Get [your own joke](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=12401762&postcount=43)! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-no-longer-interested-in-sex-whats-going-on/537852.md?page=8)