# My boyfriend is on drugs (may be long, rambling) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 15, 2012, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600 "2012-01-15T14:58:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![FlyByNight512](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/82dd89/32.png) [@FlyByNight512](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyByNight512)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2012, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/21 "2012-01-15T18:25:55Z")
> [@Tim\_R.Mortiss](#): > > I’ve had my share of alcoholic girlfriends. You think you can help them; you think you can change them. You think it’s part of being a loyal partner to stand by them in their time of need. Believe me, you can’t, and it isn’t. They will get better on their own, or they won’t. The best thing you can do for both of you is to kick them to the curb. Good luck and be strong. This. The best, most loving thing you can do for him right now is to set incredibly strict limits about how much of a relationship you’ll have with him while he’s using. Like all addicts, he has to suffer the consequences of his own behavior if he’s going to have any chance of choosing to turn his life around again. Kicking him out was absolutely the right thing to do. I agree with everyone who’s said to tell his Dad why you’ve kicked him out, and to change your locks. You might check on your valuables and make sure he doesn’t have access to any of your bank accounts as well. If I were in your shoes I might even get new debit/credit cards and checks in case he’s copied the numbers on your current ones. Hopefully he’s not already in the stealing stuff phase, but better to find out and take steps to prevent it now than later. I’m so sorry you’ve ended up in this situation. I can’t even imagine how painful it is to have someone you love reject you in favor of drugs. Hang tight. This is how this has to play out. {{hugs}} ---
**Author:** ![toofs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4491bb/32.png) [@toofs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toofs)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2012, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/22 "2012-01-15T18:39:31Z")
While he may have been The One before he relapsed, know that there are other The Ones out there for you. In time you will meet another The One. Your time with this man is over. He has made a choice. Change the locks. Either call a locksmith to re-key the existing lock or go to a store and buy a new deadbolt (about $20) and install it. There is a reason so many replies contain this advice: experience. Getting the keys back from him is not good enough. ---
**Author:** ![purple\_haze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/db5fbb/32.png) [@purple\_haze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purple_haze)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2012, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/23 "2012-01-15T19:06:06Z")
I’m just chiming in to agree that you need to change your locks. I know at this point that seems to be a little over the top because this is all still new to you, but trust me when I say that the person you think you know is capable of some pretty messed up things when they experience cravings. You should tell his dad. I wish somebody would have given me a clue about my daughter. At the very least he can protect himself as well. ---
**Author:** ![purple\_haze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/db5fbb/32.png) [@purple\_haze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purple_haze)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2012, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/24 "2012-01-15T19:10:25Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > Dump him, or be a doormat. > > Choose. Dude, you’re like a bull in a china shop here. She knows what needs to be done, but talking about it and taking a reasonable amount of time to make a decision doesn’t make her a doormat. That’s what happens when you love somebody. There is shock, worry, and grief to work through. It sounds like she did the right thing here, back off. ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2012, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/25 "2012-01-15T19:47:41Z")
> [@RealityChuck](#): > > You told him to choose between you and the drugs. He made his choice. Nothing to be guilty about. This is the truth. It’s not your fault, amaguri. He chose to leave so that he could keep doing drugs. It’s sad, but it’s not your fault. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2012, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/26 "2012-01-15T20:05:03Z")
He looked up “buy heroin” on Google? Does that actually work? ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2012, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/27 "2012-01-15T20:07:19Z")
And don’t buy any stories he might tell to get back in your good graces. There’s no legitimate reason for him to have paraphernalia around, or to be doing computer searches for drugs. Stay strong. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2012, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/28 "2012-01-15T20:11:24Z")
> [@purple\_haze](#): > > I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’ve been through the same issue and it is hell to deal with. I know you’re hurting right now but you absolutely did the right thing. Stand firm and don’t deal with him while he’s actively using, and you may consider this to be a deal breaker for your relationship depending on how this plays out. > > How long have you been together? > > My daughter was an addict and she went downhill surprisingly fast. Heroin is no joke - it’s about as hard core as you can get. We noticed the same changes you no doubt have and were naive enough not to know what it was until things got pretty bad. It’s almost like her personality was crowded into a corner and H moved in and set up shop. She (and a junkie friend) went through our house for weeks while my DH, son and I were at work and school and stole all of my jewelry, my GPS, a flat screen computer monitor, the camera, her little brother’s video games, any cash they could find, etc. All pawned by our firstborn with an utter lack of care that many of the items had sentimental value. Hell, she pawned our wedding rings. Those were the only things we were able to recover, the rest is gone forever. That’s when she came to me and confessed that she had a problem. My husband’s ring was pawned first and only had three days before it would have been sold. Mine had been pawned the week before and I had been looking all over for it. I still can’t believe she did that, it devastated us. She was careful to start with the things we wouldn’t notice were missing right away. > > Heroin has no integrity. It has no conscience. It will take the face and body of somebody you love and change them into something you no longer recognize. Heroin will lie to them and make them lie to you, very convincingly too. Most of all, heroin users are some of the most emotionally manipulative people you will run into, absent those with mental health issues. RUN and don’t look back, at least not right now. I can’t even stress that enough. These are wise words of experience… ---
**Author:** ![amaguri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/49beb7/32.png) [@amaguri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amaguri)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2012, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/29 "2012-01-15T21:26:13Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > He looked up “buy heroin” on Google? Does that actually work? Honestly I thought the same thing; it seems like such an absurd thing to do. But maybe thinking rationally just can’t make sense of any of it. Thanks again to everyone. I made an appointment to have the locks changed on Monday. Not every story has a happy ending, huh… I am pretty torn up but I know it’ll pass. My friends are all equally shocked at this turn of events but very supportive so I’m doing ok. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2012, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/30 "2012-01-15T21:43:16Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > He looked up “buy heroin” on Google? Does that actually work? My thought, too. Let’s find out … “Needle exchange” does. “Buy heroin” brings up a couple of message boards and a lot of news articles with instructions (well, practically) on how to find a dealer. Craiglist (surprise) is apparently riddled with the ads. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2012, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/31 "2012-01-15T21:59:48Z")
I’m sorry to hear this has happened, **amaguri**. I think you’ve done the right thing, too - a former drug addict who is using again is way, way down the list of people who are good candidates for boyfriends (and you know and we know that in spite of what he says, he is using again). At this point, I think seeing your counsellor is a very good idea - I think something like this really would shake your world. You also need to make sure you’ve got your life unhooked from his - leases, shared cars, finances, etc., and yes, getting your locks changed is a good idea. ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2012, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/32 "2012-01-15T22:15:43Z")
Another vote for: you did the right thing. Absolutely. He chose heroin (or whatever he’s doing) over you and your relationship. He CHOSE this. You absolutely should not feel guilty. Although you have every reason and right to feel hurt, angry, confused, betrayed, etc. I’ve been close to addicts, and addiction truly knows no bounds. Corny but true - as long as the substance has primacy in the addict’s life, it’s what they will choose. Your boyfriend is the only one who can decide whether to change, the only one. It sucks, but you are doing the right thing. ((hug)) “Buy heroin” + “my location” brings up news stories about heroin, and one link to drug rehab facilities, on the first page. ---
**Author:** ![Emtar\_KronJonDerSohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/58956e/32.png) [@Emtar\_KronJonDerSohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emtar_KronJonDerSohn)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2012, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/33 "2012-01-15T22:54:07Z")
Although google probably won’t point you directly to a dealer, the local needle exchange is crawling with current users who all have a hookup. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2012, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/34 "2012-01-15T23:04:34Z")
I urge you to be there for him even after you’ve evicted him. Some people do recover from heroin addiction. He’s done it once, he could do it again. And your emotional support could be the key. You said you used to be very happy with him: isn’t trying to get that back worth some effort on your part? ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/35 "2012-01-16T00:01:05Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > I urge you to be there for him even after you’ve evicted him. Some people do recover from heroin addiction. He’s done it once, he could do it again. And your emotional support could be the key. You said you used to be very happy with him: isn’t trying to get that back worth some effort on your part? Please tell me this is a woosh. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/36 "2012-01-16T01:01:54Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > I urge you to be there for him even after you’ve evicted him. Some people do recover from heroin addiction. He’s done it once, he could do it again. And your emotional support could be the key. You said you used to be very happy with him: isn’t trying to get that back worth some effort on your part? Wha, wha, **what?** I can’t believe what I’m reading. First of all, he **never** recovered from his heroin addiction; he merely got clean for a period of time. This is common among chronic heroin-users; a back-and-forth, clean for awhile followed by the inevitable relapse. Just abstaining from shooting up is akin to being a dry drunk. In order for the change to “stick”, everything has to change; including support stuctures, lifestyles, friends, living situations, etc. She did the RIGHT THING. Period. Point blank. Do not add to her difficulties by putting undue guilt on her shoulders for simply doing the right thing. She HAS put forth a lot of effort. Now it’s HIS turn. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/37 "2012-01-16T01:08:41Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > I urge you to be there for him even after you’ve evicted him. Some people do recover from heroin addiction. He’s done it once, he could do it again. And your emotional support could be the key. You said you used to be very happy with him: isn’t trying to get that back worth some effort on your part? You are not responsible for his life choices. Read that over a couple of times. He is responsible for him and you are responsible for you. Take care of yourself and I’m so freaking glad that you are changing the locks. I was very worried that he’d show up, high, with some loser drug buddies. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/38 "2012-01-16T01:10:29Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > I urge you to be there for him even after you’ve evicted him. Some people do recover from heroin addiction. He’s done it once, he could do it again. And your emotional support could be the key. You said you used to be very happy with him: isn’t trying to get that back worth some effort on your part? On the other hand, I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest if you decide that a heroin addict is not someone you want in your life, now or ever. Just like some people don’t want to be with someone of a different religion or different views on having kids, you might decide that a guy who was and (most likely) is currently addicted to heroin is not someone you want to be with. His success or failure doesn’t depend on you. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/39 "2012-01-16T01:10:39Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > I urge you to be there for him even after you’ve evicted him. Some people do recover from heroin addiction. He’s done it once, he could do it again. And your emotional support could be the key. You said you used to be very happy with him: isn’t trying to get that back worth some effort on your part? You are 100% wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/40 "2012-01-16T01:28:15Z")
**amaguri** , tossing him out was exactly the right thing to do. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600.md?page=3)