# My boyfriend is on drugs (may be long, rambling) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 15, 2012, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600 "2012-01-15T14:58:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/41 "2012-01-16T02:30:28Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > You are 100% wrong. Actually, I don’t believe he is any where near wrong… Apparently, by the Op’s admission the fact that he had recovered from this was part of what defined her initial attraction to him and at least a part of the basis of their relationship. I will tell the OP this, if you care about him enough to wish to not see him die, I would try to do more than just cut off all contact or banish him. I look at it as saving a life- I would do my best to save someone from dying if I could, in any circumstance, especially a loved one. I know addicts who could have gotten help and not died if they had more family who didn’t endorse that kind of ignorance. ---
**Author:** ![amaguri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/49beb7/32.png) [@amaguri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amaguri)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/42 "2012-01-16T04:23:31Z")
It’s all too soon for me to be objective about any of this. Ultimately I love him and, first and foremost, I would do what I can to help him if (a) he clearly wanted help and (b) it didn’t put me in danger. He can’t live here now. We definitely can’t be together while he sorts this out. But I do believe he is a good person with bad problems and I would help him if I could. Please don’t take this to mean I’m a doormat, like someone mentioned above. I am not dumb or naive enough to put myself in an outright dangerous situation. But I can’t just pretend he’s dead now. I want him to live a long and satisfying life, with or without me. ---
**Author:** ![stolatt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@stolatt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolatt)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/43 "2012-01-16T04:24:46Z")
I swear you did the right thing. An addict will make your life a living hell. Your worries about where he is and is he straight and why does he look sick…will make you insane. But that’s nothing in comparison to the missing money, credit card charges, missing jewelry, the incessant lying…he won’t care when you cry about these things because that’s exactly what addicts do. Then you’ll rationalize crazy things like “if the house is really clean and I jump up and down on one foot, that will fix everything”. I have an addict in my family and all of these things have happened, including assault. It’s a nightmare that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I hope you stick with the counseling and I wish you luck and peace. ---
**Author:** ![FlyByNight512](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/82dd89/32.png) [@FlyByNight512](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyByNight512)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/44 "2012-01-16T04:42:43Z")
> [@amaguri](#): > > It’s all too soon for me to be objective about any of this. Ultimately I love him and, first and foremost, I would do what I can to help him if (a) he clearly wanted help and (b) it didn’t put me in danger. > > He can’t live here now. We definitely can’t be together while he sorts this out. But I do believe he is a good person with bad problems and I would help him if I could. > > Please don’t take this to mean I’m a doormat, like someone mentioned above. I am not dumb or naive enough to put myself in an outright dangerous situation. But I can’t just pretend he’s dead now. I want him to live a long and satisfying life, with or without me. That sounds like a healthy attitude to me. So far as I can tell through a computer screen, you’re doing a good job of handling this through the emotional turmoil. Your instincts have been right on. You mentioned in your OP that you’re seeing your therapist and an addiction counselor next week - they’ll be able to advise you on how to handle your ongoing relationship (not necessarily romantic) with him. They may also recommend books or other resources. Dealing with an addict, especially one who thinks he doesn’t have a problem, is a tough balancing act and I wish you luck. {{{{more hugs}}}} ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/45 "2012-01-16T17:06:22Z")
Get yourself to Nar-anon or Al-anon, where you can meet other people in your situation and hear again that you didn’t cause his problems, you can’t control his problems, and you can’t cure his problems. You can also learn that you can still love him but detach from him and his behavior. > [@](#): > > Nar-Anon’s Purpose > Nar-Anon is a twelve-step program designed to help relatives and friends of addicts recover from the effects of living with an addicted relative or friend. Nar-Anon’s program of recovery uses Nar-Anon’s Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. The only requirement to be a member and attend Nar-Anon meetings is that there is a problem of drugs or addiction in a relative or friend. Nar-Anon is not affiliated with any other organization or outside entity. For right now, it sure sounds like he needs to be out of your life. (Nar-anon is NOT affiliated with narconon or any of the other scientology organizations designed to separate people from their money. All it costs to attend is time. Throw a buck or two in the basket when they pass it if you’re so inclined.) ---
**Author:** ![amaguri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/49beb7/32.png) [@amaguri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amaguri)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2012, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/46 "2012-01-17T02:24:58Z")
Well his dad must’ve contacted him because he told me “Stop talking to my friends and family. You are stressing them out needlessly and you have nothing to gain by pursuing this.” SO… I’ve done all I can, right? I get that their loyalties would remain with him first and foremost. I need to just let it go, seriously, but man it ain’t easy. ---
**Author:** ![Sarabellum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarabellum/32/3492_2.png) [@Sarabellum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarabellum)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2012, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/47 "2012-01-17T02:36:37Z")
Well, I think you did his family a favor. Of COURSE he doesn’t want them to know he’s using again. How can he hit them up for money and steal their stuff if they already know and are on their guard? Of COURSE he’ll try to play spin doctor and tell his family and friends all kinds of trumped up silly reasons for the breakup. You’re doing a good thing here. Be strong. ---
**Author:** ![FlyByNight512](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/82dd89/32.png) [@FlyByNight512](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyByNight512)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2012, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/48 "2012-01-17T03:02:52Z")
> [@amaguri](#): > > Well his dad must’ve contacted him because he told me “Stop talking to my friends and family. You are stressing them out needlessly and you have nothing to gain by pursuing this.” > > SO… I’ve done all I can, right? I get that their loyalties would remain with him first and foremost. I need to just let it go, seriously, but man it ain’t easy. Yup, that sounds like a typical addict disconnect with reality. To keep his inner ‘it’s no big deal’ lie going, he has to believe that you’re trying to cause problems to be spiteful. Hopefully his family has seen enough of his previous struggles with heroin to recognize the truth when you told them and won’t buy into his BS version of reality in which USING MOTHER-EFFING HEROIN is ‘nothing to worry about’. If they choose to believe him, well, you’ve done all you can. They’ll find out the truth sooner or later. Note that he really can’t forbid you to speak to his family if they want to stay in touch with you. You’re all adults, and presenting him with a united front (where everyone refuses to enable his behavior and talks to each other enough that he can’t manipulate you) is a good thing. You’re doing the right thing. Hang in there. Contrary to what he thinks, this _is_ a big deal and a serious problem. Your reactions are appropriate for the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2012, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/49 "2012-01-17T03:45:10Z")
You did the right thing. You need to get a whole lot of gone between you and him. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2012, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/50 "2012-01-17T06:00:02Z")
> [@amaguri](#): > > Well his dad must’ve contacted him because he told me “Stop talking to my friends and family. You are stressing them out needlessly and you have nothing to gain by pursuing this.” > > SO… I’ve done all I can, right? \ Yup. It is interesting that he says you have nothing to gain - you weren’t telling his dad that he was using again for YOUR gain - it was to give his dad a head’s up so he could help his son/protect himself. The easiest thing for you to have done was nothing at all. ---
**Author:** ![amaguri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/49beb7/32.png) [@amaguri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amaguri)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2012, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/51 "2012-01-17T16:15:41Z")
I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting last night. It was eye-opening, for sure. So many people have given up EVERYTHING just to get high. From the outside, their lives may have looked great. They may have turned their lives around for years at a time, but still succumb. For no reason, necessarily. It is absurdly tragic. But I think it helped me re-confirm that I did the only thing I could’ve possibly done in this situation. I slept a little better last night. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2012, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/52 "2012-01-17T16:50:27Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Wha, wha, **what?** I can’t believe what I’m reading. Perhaps you think I have no experience in this sort of matter? You are mistaken: I used to do IT work for my local probation service, many of whose clients were drug addicts in various stages of recovery. > [@](#): > > … In order for the change to “stick”, everything has to change; including support stuctures, lifestyles, friends, living situations, etc. You are absolutely correct. But you don’t think she should try to help him achieve that? ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2012, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/53 "2012-01-17T17:04:02Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > You are absolutely correct. But you don’t think she should try to help him achieve that? No she should not. Paid professionals should help him. She’s one of the very few people who have been able to all the right things from the very beginning, I’m seriously impressed with how she’s handled this. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2012, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/54 "2012-01-17T17:25:36Z")
Since he’s an addict, the likelihood of him being able to afford paid professionals is small. If the OP still cares for him, she is in an excellent position to encourage him to give up drugs and then to help him keep off drugs. He’s done it once before; he can do it again. It’s up to her to decide if he’s worth the effort - and it will be considerable. BTW one thing I’ve not seen mentioned but probably missed is that the OP should got to her doctor and get herself tested. She can’t be sure he’s been using sterile needles. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2012, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/55 "2012-01-17T17:26:26Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > Perhaps you think I have no experience in this sort of matter? You are mistaken: I used to do IT work for my local probation service, many of whose clients were drug addicts in various stages of recovery. And I can almost see Russia from my house. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2012, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/56 "2012-01-17T17:28:15Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > Perhaps you think I have no experience in this sort of matter? You are mistaken: I used to do IT work for my local probation service, many of whose clients were drug addicts in various stages of recovery. And as someone who once did IT work for a probation office, it’s your expert opinion that she should leave herself physically, emotionally, and financially vulnerable to the whims of an active heroin addict? Thanks for sharing. ---
**Author:** ![Jelly\_Roll](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Jelly\_Roll](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jelly_Roll)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2012, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/57 "2012-01-17T17:59:30Z")
I was married to an addict and can bear witness to the fact that an addict absolutely will throw away everything in order to keep using. Be prepared because invariably, he will also find a way to blame you for the consequences of his behavior. My husband threw me and our daughter out of our home when I confronted him about his drug use. He refused to go to rehab, which I told him over and over would directly lead to our family being together again. And he told anyone who would listen his sad, sad story of how I broke up our family by leaving him. To this day, he has never taken any responsibility for his part in our divorce. What I have learned from listening to stories about other addicts is that they are all basically the same person, no matter what their drug of choice is. Every addict will lie, cheat and steal. Addicts are master manipulators. Every addict will say he is in control of the situation and it’s not that bad. The addict will make his loved ones doubt themselves and the limits they have to put on their relationship with him. And every addict breaks the heart of anyone who truly loves him. It sucks right now, but you did the right thing. Enabling him by not confronting him could have been a death sentence for him. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2012, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/58 "2012-01-17T18:17:28Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > Since he’s an addict, the likelihood of him being able to afford paid professionals is small. If the OP still cares for him, she is in an excellent position to encourage him to give up drugs and then to help him keep off drugs. He’s done it once before; he can do it again. It’s up to her to decide if he’s worth the effort - and it will be considerable. > > BTW one thing I’ve not seen mentioned but probably missed is that the OP should got to her doctor and get herself tested. She can’t be sure he’s been using sterile needles. They were in what I assume was a loving relationship when he started using again - the OP would be a fool to think that her love was going to get him off drugs when it obviously wasn’t enough to _keep_ him off drugs. I too am impressed by how you’ve handled this, **amaguri.** So often we have threads here asking for advice and the people asking just refuse to listen to anyone (and sometimes come back and tell us that they should have listened to us). It’s refreshing to see someone who isn’t kidding themselves, and is doing the hard stuff she has to do. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2012, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/59 "2012-01-17T18:30:02Z")
Have the locks been changed? ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2012, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600/60 "2012-01-17T18:37:00Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > Since he’s an addict, the likelihood of him being able to afford paid professionals is small. If the OP still cares for him, she is in an excellent position to encourage him to give up drugs and then to help him keep off drugs. He’s done it once before; he can do it again. It’s up to her to decide if he’s worth the effort - and it will be considerable. Maybe, maybe not - but there’s nothing quite like defining your tolerance and boundaries by kicking the addict out. It makes it VERY clear that you do not approve, aren’t going to put up with shit, and it really is either the drugs or the relationship. If she wants to help him, fine - but he doesn’t have to to live under her roof for her to do that. In fact, it’s probably better _for her_ if he doesn’t live with her until he’s clean and sober again for a considerable period. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-is-on-drugs-may-be-long-rambling/609600.md?page=4)