# My boyfriend might go to jail for up to sixty days **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 19, 2011, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916 "2011-04-19T02:14:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/41 "2011-04-19T16:39:34Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > I find the use of the word “couldn’t” interesting, as though the OP might want to, but is still constrained. Well, would _you_ want to cheat on your violent ex-con SO? Just kidding. Seriously, though, if my SO was going to jail and I was already thinking about what to do with my free time I wouldn’t call that a good sign vis-a-vis our relationship. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/42 "2011-04-19T16:40:32Z")
> [@SecretaryofEvil](#): > > Not cool. She’s genuinely worried about a love one, and you’re taunting her with implications that he might be a victim of violence? This guy probably, although not necessarily, deserves his sentence for whatever he did. But does the OP deserve this because she cares about someone who fucked up? > > To reiterate for the OP, jail is much safer than prison, and even prison is a bit safer than movies would make it seem. Let’s remember this guy is facing the possibility of a short stint in _jail_, not prison. There’s a huge difference in the culture due to the temporary nature of jail stays versus the more permanent one of prison incarceration. I speak from experience as I’ve been to both, mostly because I’m an enormous douchebag. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/43 "2011-04-19T16:43:34Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > I speak from experience as I’ve been to both, mostly because I’m an enormous douchebag. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/44 "2011-04-19T16:44:06Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > From what I’ve seen in the movies, the smartest thing to do when you get inside is to pick out the biggest, meanest dude in the jail and kick his ass. The OP should probably pass that advice along to her boyfriend. I bet it would help him out a lot. And start digging a tunnel right away. 60 days isn’t much time. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/45 "2011-04-19T16:48:31Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Before he leaves, do a movie marathon: _Shawshank Redemption_, _Birdman of Alcatraz_, etc. Then do some craft projects; making a shiv, Pruno 101, etc. > [@SecretaryofEvil](#): > > Not cool. She’s genuinely worried about a love one, and you’re taunting her with implications that he might be a victim of violence? He’d only be a victim if he _didn’t_ make a shiv to defend himself. At least the rape jokes haven’t rolled out yet. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/46 "2011-04-19T17:04:54Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > Perhaps I’m overthinking this, but… > > I find the use of the word “couldn’t” interesting, as though the OP might want to, but is still constrained. I thought this odd also. 60 days is not that long a time. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/47 "2011-04-19T17:15:58Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > I am just asking for advice on coping strategies, nothing more. We’re just trying to suggest that considering whether or not to stay with him should be part of your coping strategy. For your own sake, ask yourself this: Is this incident a consequence of some underlying problem, like substance abuse or anger issues? If so, is he getting treatment? ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/48 "2011-04-19T17:16:21Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It’s basically impossible to know whether this guy deserves any sympathy without knowing what he’s going to jail for. The fact that the OP doesn’t want to say what it is would indicate that it’s not anything which would engender sympathy, and 60 days would indicate it’s not his first offense (or he’s in violation of some kind of probation and got a suspended sentence revoked). > > It’s not really possible to give helpful advice without knowing what he did. The best advice might be to DTMFA or it might not be. Not enough data. I’d bet on him not just being a victim of the system, though. It’s hard to get 60 days unless you really did something bad or did something a lot. > [@athelas](#): > > Dio earns his name 🙂 > > But yes, just demanding “give me sympathy and advice” doesn’t mean you deserve the former. If the world really worked like that, the only way to get a fair share of sympathy would be to be bossy and unapologetic. She’s not asking for sympathy or advice for him: she’s asking sympathy or advice for herself. And I am not sure that the nature of his crime determines whether or not she deserves sympathy: I mean, I’d have sympathy for the spouse of someone going to jail for kiddie porn. I will admit that the nature of the crime could change the advice I’d give, but the OP seems to take it as a given that whatever happened is not a dealbreaker for the relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/49 "2011-04-19T17:29:26Z")
For the record, a DUI conviction isn’t a big deal nowadays in most professions. I know a number of government folks who have had DUIs, and it didn’t seem to impact their job or clearance at all. I know of one contractor got a DUI, and then applied for a government job two months later. He got the job without a problem. ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/50 "2011-04-19T17:29:56Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > Perhaps I’m overthinking this, but… > > I find the use of the word “couldn’t” interesting, as though the OP might want to, but is still constrained. I thought the exact same thing. It sounds relatively co-dependent and at the same time like she may \*want \*to see other guys… ---
**Author:** ![llcoolbj77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/eb9ed0/32.png) [@llcoolbj77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/llcoolbj77)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/51 "2011-04-19T17:38:55Z")
I’m with \*\*Dio \*\*on this… This is either not a first misdameanor offense, or he faces having a suspended 60 sentence revoked for failing to abide by his probation. I don’t think anyone who gets in trouble once is an automatic douche, but this does smell like a pattern (while I admittedly have very little information, IAAL). Whether or not this will totally screw your boyfriend’s job prospects completely depends on information we don’t have. Employers will look at criminal history, in some industries it is a dealbreaker, in some it is not. The more highly skilled your boyfriend is (or the more desirable his skill set would be to an employer) the less impact it is going to have. Any crime of moral turpitude (lying, cheating, stealing) will obviously have a bigger impact than your driving charges or minor drug charges. He may even be elligible for a work force/work release program (and could continue in the job after he serves his time). This happens often. I’d suggest you embrace the time you are having off from your boyfriend. Start a new project or hobby. Or start a new fitness regime. Do something fun for yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Rosetta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Green\_Rosetta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Rosetta)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/52 "2011-04-19T18:09:07Z")
I’ve been through this. It was really, really sad. We decided to call it quits/take a break beforehand, got back together a few months after he got out. Be prepared to be lonely. Make sure a close friend or two knows what you’re going through, and hang out with that person- that way they can either listen if you need to cry or occupy you if you want to think about something else. Write to him A LOT- they really appreciate correspondence, and it will give him something to do when he writes back to you. Also, if you haven’t been to court yet, GET A LAWYER. NOW. If you try defend yourself or use the public defender, his chances of going to jail rather than probation/house arrest go way up (in my experience.) And one more piece of advice- in my case, it wasn’t a good idea to get involved with him again. He had gotten a DUI (not uncommon) and broke his probation by smoking pot (not uncommon.) But those two things together spoke volumes about his level of dependability and common sense. He also had a lot of other drug problems and things which eventually spelled the end of our relationship (do a search on my thread asking for advice about him.) Your boyfriend may be a perfectly lovely man who just happened to make a dumb mistake, but please consider if this speaks to a larger problem. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/53 "2011-04-19T18:14:05Z")
Ohh, just a heads up for your boyfriend. At least at our local jail, apparently standard procedure is to keep the place meat locker cold. And its not like they allow you heavy quilts to sleep in or let you run around in fur coats. If your bo doesn’t like the cold, he might want to break out the swim trunks, crank up the AC, and get somewhat acclimated now. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/54 "2011-04-19T18:41:34Z")
That sums it up just about perfectly, **Green Rosetta**. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/55 "2011-04-19T18:54:19Z")
> [@Phlosphr](#): > > I thought the exact same thing. It sounds relatively co-dependent and at the same time like she may \*want \*to see other guys… How does it sound co-dependent? ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/56 "2011-04-19T18:59:29Z")
> [@colonial](#): > > You gotta be a real douchebag to get 60 days. > > In fact you gotta be a real douchebag to get ONE day. > > Dump him. I have gotten a day for having a glass bottle of apple juice in a public park, and being with lots of people with pot. > [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > First of all, thank you to those of you who posted advice. > > Very well put, thank you. I am just asking for advice on coping strategies, nothing more. > > There are lots of good nuggets here that I haven’t really considered. You’ve hit on the reason why he’s stressing out so much more than me: this would definitely have a severe impact on his future. In the long term, it hardly affects me at all. > > Just out of curiosity, does a criminal record put you at the bottom of every hiring list regardless of the profession you go into? Obviously he wouldn’t go for a government job, but how much does it harm you in the commercial industry? (I mean, I can see why it would, you want someone trustworthy and a criminal record usually isn’t indicative of that.) > > I don’t know much about where they’d put him other than that it would be part of the country system and not the federal system, so he’d be within the county. I’m not sure how visitation works in jails, but I think I heard somewhere that you normally get 300 minutes a month for talking on the phone. Which is about ten minutes a day, and when you consider the fact that he’d also probably want to call his mom sometimes, that blows, but at least it wouldn’t be for too long. > > To the person who suggested keeping a journal or writing letters, I do like that idea. You’d have limited visitation hours and limited minutes on the phone, but I don’t think they’d limit the amount of words you can write to somebody. Plus, I love writing letters! > > Once again, thanks for your ideas, guys! If it is a felony, many jobs will be out of reach, but not all- most importantly, own up to them! It is much worse to be caught lying than to have made a mistake or two, as long as it is non-violent. If it was violence, he is kinda fucked… > [@SecretaryofEvil](#): > > I know a couple people who have been in jail. It’s going to depend on the specifics of his offense and his job, but it’s not necessarily a career killer. For instance, one of the guys I know who was in jail now works as an IT guy. Another of them works as a chef. > > There’s a big difference between jail and prison. Jail is unpleasant and there are plenty of tough customers in there, but it’s not anywhere near as violent or restrictive as prison. Lots of guys in jail are there for DUI, not paying child support or fines, drug possession or petty theft. It’s going to vary a lot depending on his offense and where he’s locked up, but he might even be eligible for work release. > > Convicts tend to have surprisingly conservative social values. If he has long hair he should cut it. Prisoners tend to unofficially segregate themselves by race, and the close quarters fuel a lot of rabid homophobia, so it’s not place to be a hero and take a stance against bigotry. > > If he asks you to help him break the law in any way, such as smuggling in contraband, don’t. It will just get him in more trouble and will get you locked up as well. > > If his sentence is for 60 days, he will most likely be eligible for early release in 30, provided he doesn’t break any rules while he’s in jail. But this, like a lot of other things, is going to vary depending on the specifics of his case. This is all true, 'specially the race thing. Sad. But true. > [@BMalion](#): > > I guess I’m a douchebag. Me too. More than once, and the first time was for apple juice. I suck… ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/57 "2011-04-19T21:49:36Z")
> [@Snarky\_Kong](#): > > Yeah, I’m not going to offer sympathy on something that might be totally deserved. Or, on the other hand, it might be totally undeserved. It’s really not our place to judge her, is it? So dial it back. ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/58 "2011-04-19T22:11:59Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > How does it sound co-dependent? I should rephrase, not co-dependent to the degree Melody Beattie writes about, but some of the OPs phrases just throw up a mild flag of dependance more than just, I’ll miss him. Co-Dependent is too harsh…and I am probably over sensitive to these kinds of things…having been in a long term co-dependent relationship my sensitivities are piqued easily. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/59 "2011-04-19T22:55:38Z")
Just do your own time. That’s my advice for the OP, separate though the same as I’d advise him. ---
**Author:** ![colonial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/34f0e0/32.png) [@colonial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colonial)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916/60 "2011-04-20T02:08:01Z")
> [@PlanetCharlie](#): > > If you spend _one_ day in jail you’re a douche bag? Automatically? Unless it’s a miscarriage of justice, yes. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-might-go-to-jail-for-up-to-sixty-days/578916.md?page=4)