# My Boyfriend Proposed, So I Broke Up With Him **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 2, 2003, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246 "2003-01-02T18:53:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/101 "2003-01-03T20:58:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Suspenderzzz \* > \*\*Excuse me, what makes you think I don’t have a “credit rating of my own”? How did you leap to _that_ conclusion? All I said is I can’t buy a co-op (what I didn’t say is that I wouldn’t want to because, like marriage, the burdens of homeownership don’t appeal to me, but that’s beside the point). I didn’t say _why_ I can’t buy a co-op. And I’m not going to because I have already put out more of my personal business here than was my original attention. There are factors involved here that you couldn’t even begin to guess because you don’t know me. And they are not necessarily something “bad”, either. Just no one’s fucking beeswax. How the fuck do you assume I lived to be well into my forties and on my own without a fucking CREDIT RATING??? You are not talking to kid here. So take your condescending attitude and shove it where the sun don’t shine. 🙂 \*\* Settle down! No need to get huffy! I “jumped” to that conclusion because you used the word “can’t” instead of “won’t”. Not a big leap, sister. It wasn’t a condescending attitude (much less so than your statement that anyone who is married is pedestrian and way too uncool for your beatnik self)🆒. I did know that you were well into your forties, but only because you mentioned it.😉 I have a beatnik, counterculture brother, nearly 50, who doesn’t have a credit rating. Happens all the time, particularly to people who live on the fringe. Actually you sound much more mainstream than you think you are! ---
**Author:** ![wikkidpis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f05b48/32.png) [@wikkidpis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wikkidpis)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/102 "2003-01-03T21:04:33Z")
Nothing wrong with deciding marriage isn’t for you. Consider, though, that maybe he didn’t think it out clinicly and change his entire philosophy towards life and decide to become one of THEM, maybe he just loves you and wants to spend his life with you. People do have sincere feelings like that, sometimes. Now sorry to hijack, but this thread inadvertently points out what’s wrong with rent control & rent stabilization. Middle aged trust funder who doesn’t really work and doesn’t have to and never did gets a rent stabilized apartment in a good neighborhood in Manhattan. Poor working stiff who’s never had anything handed to him in life doesn’t, and pays the same rent for a place in Bed Stuy. Not fair. Rent control & stabilization are terrible, terrible laws. Completely arbitrary, pointless, unfair and everything else bad. Then again, I’m happily married, have 2 kids and recently moved from Brooklyn to Westchester, so my opinions can’t be worth all that much. ---
**Author:** ![kevja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/aeb1de/32.png) [@kevja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kevja)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/103 "2003-01-03T21:52:21Z")
I agree with your general opinion of settling down, except I’m not sure why it’s necessary to laugh at others with differing lifestyles. And NO, he is not a jerk for changing. That would be like saying you’re a jerk because you didn’t change. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/104 "2003-01-03T21:53:21Z")
And Maeglin, you rock. Very well put. ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/105 "2003-01-03T22:55:11Z")
**Suspenderzzz** , I agree with you about the fact that people who choose not to marry are, a) completely normal, and b) increasingly acceptable by societal standards. And frankly, these days the idea of what’s “non-conformist”, especially in terms of relationships, is completely subjective (aside from a few questionable activities involving goat/fish/cheese hybrids). With that in mind, I propose that it would be totally radical and cutting-edge of you (especially considering your mind-set) to think outside your particular box and consider MARRYING this guy! It could be the personal revolution of the century! 😉 (Hey, I’m making a tiny leap out of my own box these days . . . My SO and I have discussed marriage (with the possibility of maintaining two separate households :D), and I’m actually considering _changing my last name_ to his, which is something I NEVAHHH! would have considered 10 years ago . . . He thinks it’d be kind of radical and quirky for us to have different last names (he doesn’t get out much . . . Hi, Hon! ;)), but dude, the whole “Two Last Names Marriage” is what EVERYONE is doing in _my_ “crowd”, so taking HIS last name would actually be the non-conformist, shocking thing for me to do among my set–I’ll be the talk of the grapevine! :p) In all seriousness, I do agree with others who’ve said that you seem to be at an impasse, here. I do wish you luck in figuring this out. ---
**Author:** ![raz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@raz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raz)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2003, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/106 "2003-01-04T03:06:01Z")
It kind of seems to me that some of your beliefs are based soley on the purpose of “getting away from the norm”. It’s great to want to be your own person, but the road less traveled is not always the best way. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. If you LOVE this person, you will be willing to make sacrifices. Your life will NEVER be perfect. You will never have everything that you want, you will not be happy every day. Who knows, maybe your outlook on life will soon change, just like his did. I am not trying to pick on you or belittle you in any way, I just said what I said based on what I read and what I inferred. ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2003, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/107 "2003-01-04T04:08:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bean Counter \* > \*\*I am not one for sig lines, but if I were, I would be fighting for the rights for those two. > > \*\* Actually, I think the copyright’s way expired on **Tom Thumb**. -Scylla, who shamelessly plagiarizes only the very finest of 19th Century satirists. ---
**Author:** ![Gazelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Gazelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gazelle)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2003, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/108 "2003-01-04T04:56:27Z")
Sweet pea, I haven’t read any of the responses to your OP. And, I must qualify: 1. I just returned from an audience participation play called “Tony ‘n’ Tina’s Wedding” 2. I’ve been married to El Hubbo for 13 years Yes. The fact that the guy who seems frikkin’ perfect for your makes you want to scream and run makes me think that there may be some deep hidden psychois goin’ on… But I could be wrong. Lemme get back to you when I’m sober, 'kay? Big skanky love, girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![Hickory6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ecae2f/32.png) [@Hickory6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hickory6)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2003, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/109 "2003-01-04T07:17:55Z")
Well, I think it’s pretty bold of you to dismiss your former boyfriend as now “conformist.” Actually, that strikes me as extremely arrogant. I can’t help but wonder to what extent you are actually the ‘conformist,’ here, except that you’re actually conforming to the countercultural, beatnik, bohemian society you’ve chosen to live among–and are just so wrapped up in you’re too blind to see it. At any rate, going through life making a point of scornfully looking down on other people strikes me as a soul-deadening pastime. Why would something such as marriage and family be something to “be viciously made fun of?” And to suggest that he suffers from a mental illness because he’s interested in marriage? No, that’s just arrogant and wrong. ``` It's fine to prefer being single to being married. It's not fine to ridicule, or hold yourself to be superior somehow for making that choice. ``` I suppose you were looking for a bunch of people to agree with you–to give you a big Nader-voting hug and say “Ohhh, how COULD he be so vile and self-centered as to actually EVOLVE.” Nope. Sorry. I think you’ve got some evolving to do as well. ---
**Author:** ![sidle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee59a6/32.png) [@sidle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sidle)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/110 "2003-01-10T19:21:21Z")
Well, to each his own. In my world, bonding through extensive making fun of others would be considered more tedious than washing dishes any day, but that’s neither here nor there. I bump not to disagree, but out of genuine impartial curiosity. What happened? Did the two of you manage to come to an agreement? ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/111 "2003-01-13T20:38:09Z")
She probably ran away with Sally from Cabaret. ---
**Author:** ![Suspenderzzz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@Suspenderzzz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Suspenderzzz)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/112 "2003-01-13T21:46:43Z")
Don’t get your hopes up just yet. Sometimes I’m just not in a posting mood. ---
**Author:** ![Suspenderzzz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@Suspenderzzz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Suspenderzzz)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2003, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/113 "2003-01-14T22:34:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by sidle \* > \*\*Well, to each his own. In my world, bonding through extensive making fun of others would be considered more tedious than washing dishes any day, but that’s neither here nor there. > > I bump not to disagree, but out of genuine impartial curiosity. > > What happened? > Did the two of you manage to come to an agreement? \*\* Or maybe “morbid” curiosity, heh-heh. Nothing happened. We are broken up now. I actually considered going through with it for about five minutes. Then I decided against it. (In reality, I agonized over it for a couple of weeks.) Once I had made up my mind, even though there was (and still is) a feeling of distinct sorrow, there was also this giant, tremendous relief. Like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulder. Like, “I’m free!” I knew then that I had done the right thing. Maybe I’ll regret it when I’m old and lonely, but that, in my opinion is not a good enough reason to get married. Too calculated. Like buying insurance. Some of my friends and relatives think I’m crazy, but they are the ones who don’t know me that well. So their opinion doesn’t really matter. People who know me really well knew right from the start that I would never seriously consider getting married, even if it meant giving up a person for whom I have tender feelings and a host of shared memories. If it’s either one or the other, it’s blackmail. I will not be blackmailed or bullied, especially not into a major life decision. My former BF has, during the past week alone, (allegedly) seen a lot of a certain mutual acquaintance who is about 9 years his senior. Yuck! I think he wants to get involved with women because he’s looking for a mother. As long as our relationship was not that serious, I failed to see that. Not my cup of tea. I want an equal, not a baby. I just wanted to give you all a quick update on the situation, for closure’s sake. I’m really not interested in discussing it any further. You all are welcome to do so, of course, if you must. But that will be without my input. I have already put too much of my personal life out there. The thing with this type of subject is that you always end up revealing more about your life than originally intended. Not to mention that I have to take my former BF’s privacy into consideration as well. ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2003, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/114 "2003-01-15T04:02:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Suspenderzzz \* > \*\*the general tone that this thread seems to be taking (even from most of the supportive posts), is to accept _unquestiongly_ the total turnaround that my newly conformist BF has undergone (presumably because the thing that he wants – marriage – represents the more “acceptable” choice in many people’s view), while slamming me for being what I’ve always been, which is interested in independence and autonomy. \*\* I underlined the key word in there for you. Your presumption is pretty far off base. You have shown, and continue to show, a remarkably skewed view of what “marriage” is. The general tone of this thread is one of trying to get you to re-examine your perception of marriage, not one trying to get you to change your decision regarding it. At best one could say posters asking you to re-consider your decision might be a sub-tone. This is actually probably good advice because I don’t think very many reasonable people will believe it wise to adopt an attitude based upon a severe misconception and NOT revisit your stance when you re-evaluate your conception.\*\* > [@](#): > > This is very interesting, and, I might add, in no way representative of the general population. I don’t know if this forum is more conservative than the population in general, or perhaps there are sock puppets at work, or old friends backing each other up. But I’m keeping an open mind and will assume that every post is legit. > > In this day and age, the general population has become increasing tolerant toward people who want independence. I know lots of people who freely admit that marriage is not for them, no longer afraid in this day and age of being lynched for voicing such an outrageous view. So all the hammering I’m catching here is a little bit skewed and biased, to say the least. \*\* The SDMB MORE _conservative_ than the population in general? This claim makes my head spin, but I may have been spending too much time in Great Debates. Anyhoo, the general population has become increasingly tolerant towards people who want independence. This does NOT necessarially tie into the marriage angle unless you believe marriage and independence are mutually exclusive(as you seem to, thus the responses trying to get you to re-examine this belief). Moreover there is no reason to think that YOUR marriage would stifle your independence because it sounds like independence is something both parties desire and would work towards making a “marriage of equals”. Basically anyone who throws around misconceptions and stereotypes(conformist? WTF?) the way you did in your OP(and have pretty much continued to do in the whole thread) is going to get some flack from the SDMB. We don’t care what your opinion on marriage(good or bad) is, but if you demonstrate ignorance concerning the reality of what a marriage IS, then you’ll have people trying to tell you that your idea of marriage is off-base. No one has told you to conform, nor does anyone seem to want you to. The most people have done is be a bit snarky to you for what seems to be your attitude towards marriage and “normal” life. Given that you seem to have some pretty big misconceptions about what marriage and “normal” life actually are then I absolutely marvel at how nicely you’ve been treated. People have been far nicer in their assessment of your character than you were in your assesments of the “bourgeois”(which many people, probably including yourself, could rightfully be called). Continuing to hold that marriage is a death-knell for independence in the face of evidence to the contrary flies in the face of your description of yourself as a free thinker. If you challenge conventional wisdom regarding relationships and lifestyles, why won’t you examine your own views with the same candor? In any case, congratulations on getting out of a relationship which seemed about to take a turn for the worse. Just remember that life doesn’t like to be stereotyped and always be willing to re-evaluate your perceptions when confronted with new evidence. Enjoy, Steven ---
**Author:** ![Scorpio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Scorpio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scorpio)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2003, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/115 "2003-01-15T07:12:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Suspenderzzz \* > \*\* My former BF has, during the past week alone, (allegedly) seen a lot of a certain mutual acquaintance who is about 9 years his senior. Yuck! I think he wants to get involved with women because he’s looking for a mother. \*\* Yes, that’s why all (straight) men want to get involved with women. Not for any other reason, no way. ---
**Author:** ![Primaflora](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Primaflora](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Primaflora)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2003, 8:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/116 "2003-01-15T08:51:00Z")
NINE years older than him? A woman NINE years his senior? Oh the horror, the horror! How could he do that? Wait. I’m married, living in the suburbs with kids and leading a very conformist life and all I can say is Good on him. Good luck and a following wind. ---
**Author:** ![jeevmon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@jeevmon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jeevmon)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2003, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/117 "2003-01-15T14:14:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scorpio \* > \*\*Yes, that’s why all (straight) men want to get involved with women. Not for any other reason, no way. \*\* What kind of weirdzo relationship did you have with your mother? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Suspenderzzz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@Suspenderzzz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Suspenderzzz)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2003, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/118 "2003-01-15T14:35:04Z")
Hey mods. Could you be so kind and lock this thread, please. Since it is _my_ thread, begun by _me_, I hope you will honor my request. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2003, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/119 "2003-01-28T14:28:25Z")
Ah, but you didn’t say \*pretty[/] please. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2003, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246/120 "2003-01-28T14:29:26Z")
OR _pretty_ please. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-boyfriend-proposed-so-i-broke-up-with-him/146246.md?page=7)