# My brother committed suicide **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 30, 2008, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145 "2008-12-30T00:59:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/21 "2008-12-30T01:53:45Z")
I am so sorry to hear that - 20 years ago my sister killed herself. It is a horrible, horrible pain. The only comfort I can offer you is that eventually getting through the day yourself will not be so difficult, that eventually the grief will stop interfering with your life. This will take months, possibly years, and there will always be times when you look back and say “Why?” and grieve again - but you will get through these dark times. You are not the first to make this journey. Do what you need to get through it, whether that is linking up with others left in the wake of suicide or your remaining family or whatever works for you. There is no formula for getting through this, but there is support out there for you if you find you need it. > [@carlotta](#): > > Everyone that knew him is utterly utterly shocked. There are people you know who you would be saddened but not surprised to hear they had killed themselves. He was not one of them. He was full of life, interested in everything, kind to all. My sister, unfortunately, was one of those people whose suicide was not a complete surprise – but that is because we who are her family knew of her 17 year struggle with clinical depression. Many other people she knew and interacted with on a daily basis did _not_ know of this. My sister dealt with her depression in part by throwing herself into life - she was successful in her profession, helped start and run a business, active in local and state politics and had the trappings of a very successful life. These things helped, but in the end they were not enough. It is possible your brother also struggled with depression for many years but did not choose to share that struggle with anyone else. Or maybe not. But when I hear about people who have great lives and much to live for who nonetheless kill themselves I think of my sister, so vibrant and energetic, who still struggled every day with her inner shadows. > [@](#): > > Partly I’m posting this here because I keep having the impulse to post threads that will reference this event, partly just because… > > I’m so sad. I will miss him desperately. Yes, you are. Yes, you will. There will be times, decades later, when you will think “I wish I could tell him…” or “I wish he could have seen this…” There will be an empty chair when the family gathers from now on. It is a different sort of death than that brought by old age or illness or accident. But you will not stop loving him either, even when you are angry with him (and feelings of anger are normal in this situation, whether or not you are feeling them now). He is still, and will always be, your brother. > [@](#): > > We spent a lot of time together and really enjoyed each other’s company. He lived nearby, we even shared an apartment for a few years in our twenties. Before this, I would’ve said we were close, but I had not the slightest clue he was depressed or distressed, so I guess I can’t say that. I was very close to my sister. I knew she suffered from depression. I had had no idea it was _that bad_ when she killed herself. It was still shocking, even if not totally unexpected. He may have deliberately hid this from others. Sometimes, when someone has decided to kill themselves but have not yet actually done the deed their mood _improves_ for a period of time prior to the suicide, making their death all the more shocking. The fact you didn’t know he was hurting that bad or that he was planning this _in no way_ means you weren’t close. He may not have had as many years of suffering as my sister had. We don’t really know what is going on in someone else’s head, and nothing brings that home like an event like this. > [@](#): > > Mostly though I’m so sad to know he was so sad. ☹ \>sigh\< Yes, I feel much the same about my sister. It hurts my spirit to know that she was in that much pain. I don’t know if this is comforting or not, but I wanted to let you know that others have walked this path before and if you need help or comfort or an ear to listen that that is out there for you. A confused boil of emotion is perfectly normal under the circumstances. It is OK to grieve. If you did not love your brother his death would not hurt so very, very much. Please accept my condolences and my sympathy - I am so sorry you had to join this club. ---
**Author:** ![CAT\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@CAT\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CAT_1)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/22 "2008-12-30T01:54:19Z")
I am very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you, and your family. ---
**Author:** ![Mahna\_Mahna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e47c2d/32.png) [@Mahna\_Mahna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahna_Mahna)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/23 "2008-12-30T01:54:45Z")
I’m so very sorry for your loss, **Carlotta**. My thoughts are with you and your family… especially those poor children. ☹ Unfortunately, many suicides are the ones who seem outwardly fine and never let on that there might be a problem. That was certainly the case with my cousin, who always seemed to be such a bright happy-go-lucky girl until she committed suicide at 18… it’s like there was a whole other person hiding in there that we never saw until it was too late. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/24 "2008-12-30T01:59:13Z")
I am so sorry to hear your news. I wish there were something I could say to make the pain less, but there is nothing. When I was very young I was in love with a woman who tried to commit suicide. It impacted me for many years. What had I done? What didn’t I do? Didn’t I love her enough? Didn’t I love her correctly? After all, all our fairy tales tell us that love conquers all. Clearly I didn’t have the right kind of love. I share this with you as cautionary tale. I was a silly young man and I didn’t realize that she was battling an internal fight that I could not help her with. Make sure that his family knows that they are not to blame. May whatever gods there be, be with you and yours during this very difficult time. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/25 "2008-12-30T01:59:23Z")
Deepest sympathies, **Carlotta**. Those poor kids. ---
**Author:** ![gardentraveler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gardentraveler/32/3576_2.png) [@gardentraveler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gardentraveler)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/26 "2008-12-30T02:03:13Z")
I’m so sorry for your loss, **carlotta**. It hurts just to imagine the shock and pain you’re going through. GT ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/27 "2008-12-30T02:05:24Z")
My sympathy to you and your family. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/28 "2008-12-30T02:07:09Z")
I am so very sorry, **carlotta**. I’ve had my own battles with depression. This past March is the worst it’s ever been, with full blown suicidal ideation, but - thank heavens - no impulse to act on the idea. My plan is, should it ever get that bad, to call 911 or walk to an emergency room and turn myself in for help. Not because I’ll be in any state to feel hope, but because I’ve read the stories of those who’ve lost loved ones to suicide. While it’s hard to believe, in the middle of a bout, that I actually matter to anyone, I take it on faith that my death would hurt them. ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/29 "2008-12-30T02:13:40Z")
Sincere condolences, carlotta. Don’t hesitate to post more if you need to or to talk to others who’ve experienced this. There might be groups in your area or perhaps your doctor will have some references. Here’s a link with contact info for survivors groups by state: [link](http://www.suicidology.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=55) (that’s sort of a wonky website but it should sort itself out once the page loads fully.) Take care of yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/30 "2008-12-30T02:30:27Z")
I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through now, so I can’t begin to offer advice. I will mention your brother, yourself, and his family in my prayers. I don’t know your names, but God will if I give your username. As has already been said, come back and use us again to talk, if you feel as if you need to. ---
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/31 "2008-12-30T02:30:33Z")
I’m so sorry for your loss. ---
**Author:** ![Omega\_Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7c8e57/32.png) [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/32 "2008-12-30T02:39:17Z")
I’m sorry \*\*Carlotta \*\*and **Ca3799**. You and your families are in my thoughts. ---
**Author:** ![Cosmopolitan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/94ad74/32.png) [@Cosmopolitan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cosmopolitan)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/33 "2008-12-30T02:44:24Z")
I’m so sorry - my thoughts are with you & your family. ---
**Author:** ![Sticks\_and\_Scones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sticks_and_scones/32/16951_2.png) [@Sticks\_and\_Scones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sticks_and_Scones)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/34 "2008-12-30T04:06:48Z")
My heart and thoughts go out to you and your family. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/35 "2008-12-30T04:16:19Z")
If only people could understand what depression is. It’s not just saddness. It’s confusion too. And it robs the brain of its ability to judge that it is sick and in need of attention. I am so sorry that this has happened and that you are hurting. And it’s good that you let us know what you are going through. He sounds like a wonderful brother and friend. ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/36 "2008-12-30T04:16:23Z")
I’m so sorry for your loss, **carlotta.** ---
**Author:** ![Penchan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/74df32/32.png) [@Penchan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penchan)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/37 "2008-12-30T04:22:47Z")
I’m terribly sorry for your loss. You have my condolences and my wishes that you will get through this somehow. ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/38 "2008-12-30T04:36:09Z")
I’m so sorry for your loss, **carlotta**. I’ve had two suicides in my immediate family and can tell you it always leaves you with more questions than answers. I’m sad for you and all those he left behind. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/39 "2008-12-30T04:42:20Z")
Sorry for your loss. ---
**Author:** ![Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/le_ministre_de_l_au-dela/32/12181_2.png) [@Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Le_Ministre_de_l_au-dela)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145/40 "2008-12-30T04:48:10Z")
My condolences to you - I’m terribly sorry to hear of your loss. If we can help in any way, please let us know - at very least, Dopers are sympathetic, good listeners. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-committed-suicide/479145.md?page=3)