# My brother died, and my feelings are more complex than I expected. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 9, 2015, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638 "2015-03-09T21:28:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2015, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/41 "2015-03-11T21:06:07Z")
Sorry for your loss. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2015, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/42 "2015-03-11T21:12:45Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > It’s also the case that the man had isolated himself to the point where no one missed him, and only his unclaimed mail tipped off the outside world. You’re a compassionate and social person, **Skald** , and part of you may simply be saddened that he had put himself in such a lonely position. That’s not the the case. My brother had many friends; his landlady was just in the best position to notice that he hadn’t left his apartment in two or three days. ---
**Author:** ![miss\_elizabeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@miss\_elizabeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miss_elizabeth)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2015, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/43 "2015-03-11T22:14:31Z")
My deepest, deepest condolences **Skald**. Grief can be so surprising; you may think you know how you’d react, but I’ve found (unfortunately) you’re usually wrong. Death is so maddeningly, painfully, irrefutable _final_, and the depth of that truth is almost impossible to understand until it’s upon you. I wish you all the best, you’re in my thoughts. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2015, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/44 "2015-03-11T23:21:08Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Thanks to all. I’d write more, but I seem to be mired in the anger stage of grief. **Skald** , old man … It’s been what, a whole day or two since you got the news? Give yourself a break. As so many have already said, this isn’t simple or quick. And the more complicators in your relationship the less simple your recovery will be. And it sounds like this was pretty complicated / conflicted. We all like to think we’re grownups & can handle whatever life throws at us. And in truth, we can easily handle the myriad life events we practice a lot. But this is big stuff, and thankfully most of us have very little practice at absorbing deaths in the close family. So we mostly suck at handling things like this with aplomb. You \*will \*handle this. Just not like some movie character, shrugging off a “flesh wound” to counterattack by swinging by that bullet-laden arm on a long rope from the rafters. You’ll handle it like the rest of us do, with days of anger, days of sorrow, and nights of wistful thoughts of “what if …” and “if only …” Welcome to the human condition. It really sucks sometimes. My sympathies to you and the rest of the family, young and old. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/45 "2015-03-12T01:43:08Z")
Missed. Er, um… Sorry for your loss. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/46 "2015-03-12T02:01:52Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Thanks to all. I’d write more, but I seem to be mired in the anger stage of grief. I’ll echo what **LSLGuy** said - take it easy on yourself and let yourself grieve and have all your emotions at your own pace. My estranged father died many years ago, and I’m still working things out from that. When immediate family members we didn’t particularly care for die, it has to be one of the most confusing emotional places to be in. > [@miss\_elizabeth](#): > > My deepest, deepest condolences **Skald**. Grief can be so surprising; you may think you know how you’d react, but I’ve found (unfortunately) you’re usually wrong. Death is so maddeningly, painfully, irrefutable _final_, and the depth of that truth is almost impossible to understand until it’s upon you. I wish you all the best, you’re in my thoughts. Ain’t that the truth? Just give me one more day, two days tops, and I’ll tidy up all the loose ends! Except it doesn’t work that way - you don’t get any more time, and you wouldn’t tidy up those loose ends anyway, because it was never in your power to do so or you would have done it already. I’ll ask you one question, though - what are you so mad about? ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/47 "2015-03-12T02:08:28Z")
Skald, you’ve lost not only your childhood hero but also an enemy and now you have no one to rail against. That puts a pretty big hole in your being. It will take a while to heal. For now, mourn the hero, and feel relieved that you don’t have to put up with the asshole. Give yourself time. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/48 "2015-03-12T02:21:27Z")
Cat Whisperer, right now the conscious focus of my anger is the fucking death industry. The way it exploits people when they are emotionally vulnerable. Ridiculously ornate coffins, as if it matters to the decedent. Steel vaults, as if anything good can come from slowing the corpse’s reclamation by the earth. The absurd variety of headstones. Newspapers charging by the line for obits. Et cetera. But that’s just what I’m conscious of. I know there’s probably more stuff underneath. ---
**Author:** ![tapu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/49beb7/32.png) [@tapu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tapu)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/49 "2015-03-12T03:08:57Z")
Great book: _The American Way of Death_ (rvsd ed.) by Jessica Mitford Ms. Mitford positively \*skewers \*the American Death Industry. Fascinating nonfiction, very enjoyable read. Everyone should read it before they have to deal with their next funeral, et al. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/50 "2015-03-12T03:34:52Z")
> [@tapu](#): > > Great book: _The American Way of Death_ (rvsd ed.) by Jessica Mitford > > Ms. Mitford positively \*skewers \*the American Death Industry. Fascinating nonfiction, very enjoyable read. Everyone should read it before they have to deal with their next funeral, et al. I know it. I read excerpts in high school and the whole thing before freshman year of college. I think I swiped the death industry label from her, but I’m not sure. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/51 "2015-03-12T03:49:05Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Cat Whisperer, right now the conscious focus of my anger is the fucking death industry. The way it exploits people when they are emotionally vulnerable. Ridiculously ornate coffins, as if it matters to the decedent. Steel vaults, as if anything good can come from slowing the corpse’s reclamation by the earth. The absurd variety of headstones. Newspapers charging by the line for obits. Et cetera. > > But that’s just what I’m conscious of. I know there’s probably more stuff underneath. Well, I’m certainly not going to tell you not to be mad at _those_ assholes. ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/52 "2015-03-12T04:41:13Z")
My sympathies, Skald. I think it must be harder to lose someone that you have a bad relationship with than a good relationship. Because as long as they’re alive there will always be the subconscious hope that they’ll stop being a jerk, or that you’ll be able to “fix” the relationship somehow. So not only have you lost a brother, but you’ve lost the hope that you could get your real brother back someday. ---
**Author:** ![Lacunae\_Matata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lacunae\_Matata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lacunae_Matata)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/53 "2015-03-12T06:10:04Z")
> [@Zyada](#): > > My sympathies, Skald. > > I think it must be harder to lose someone that you have a bad relationship with than a good relationship. Because as long as they’re alive there will always be the subconscious hope that they’ll stop being a jerk, or that you’ll be able to “fix” the relationship somehow. > > So not only have you lost a brother, but you’ve lost the hope that you could get your real brother back someday. This. You’ve lost potential - the potential that your brother might gain the self-awareness to become the brother he might have been; the potential for working out your feelings for one another in a time and place where that could have had a meaningful impact; the potential for maybe, just maybe, hearing something like an apology, or an explanation, or something that could provide a little salve to soothe all of those years of anger and/or hurt. I’m lucky, I guess. I’m two generations removed from _that_ person in my own family. But I’ve given a lot of thought to what will inevitably come, when my grandmother dies and my mother and her sisters have to deal with the anger and the grief and the unfinished business. It’s gonna be a mess, and I guarantee you that each of the three will be shocked at the level of sadness they feel for a woman whom they’ve never liked, because that potential is no longer there. You’ll come to grips with it, because any other option takes too much away from the here and now, and you strike me as a person who is fully vested in the life you’ve built around your family and work and sense of self. In the meantime, it will suck. Being angry at the Funeral-Industrial Complex is a perfectly reasonable way to vent some of that anger, until you come up with more interesting targets for the bees. Meanwhile, please be gentle with yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/54 "2015-03-12T06:19:26Z")
Very sorry to hear of your loss, **Skald**. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/55 "2015-03-12T06:38:05Z")
Sorry for your loss Skald. Not sure what else to say at this point. Condolences. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/56 "2015-03-12T14:43:42Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > That’s not the the case. My brother had many friends; his landlady was just in the best position to notice that he hadn’t left his apartment in two or three days. I read the situation wrong. I apologize. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/57 "2015-03-12T15:26:52Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > I read the situation wrong. I apologize. When I become, perfect, I will mock you for you imperfections. Apology accepted. ---
**Author:** ![BaldDudePeekskill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b5e925/32.png) [@BaldDudePeekskill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BaldDudePeekskill)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638/58 "2015-03-13T11:58:03Z")
> [@Zyada](#): > > My sympathies, Skald. > > I think it must be harder to lose someone that you have a bad relationship with than a good relationship. Because as long as they’re alive there will always be the subconscious hope that they’ll stop being a jerk, or that you’ll be able to “fix” the relationship somehow. > > So not only have you lost a brother, but you’ve lost the hope that you could get your real brother back someday. Well put…let it be a lesson for future relationships, if possible. Clear the air…if at all possible [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-died-and-my-feelings-are-more-complex-than-i-expected/714638.md?page=2)