# My brother-in-law has announced he's getting married ... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 28, 2015, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834 "2015-02-28T05:51:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![The\_Hamster\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8edcca/32.png) [@The\_Hamster\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Hamster_King)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/21 "2015-03-01T15:04:39Z")
It’s resolved. We won’t be there and neither will my father- and mother-in-law. Basically the happy couple is treating it like they’re eloping. They’re just eloping to the bride’s hometown. We invited them to come out to L.A. this summer on our dime and we’ll celebrate with them then. Or we’ll do a big party in New Jersey next time we travel to visit my in-laws. My brother-in-law was fine when my wife told him. We were afraid it would turn into “What, don’t you love your brother?” but he seems so upbeat about the wedding itself he doesn’t care if we’re there or not. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/22 "2015-03-01T16:01:18Z")
> [@Septima](#): > > No. If you’ve RSVP’d yes to something, you can’t back out just because something better came up. An RSVP is a commitment. The logistical issues are irrelevant here; you’ve accepted another invitation. End of story. BIL could be getting married in the house next door, and you’d still be unable to go. > > This is what save-the-date cards are designed to prevent. My daughter is getting married in May, so I know all about logistics and expenses of planning a wedding. If someone RSVPd to her wedding, only to find out that their sister was getting married on very short notice the same day, my response would be, “I’m really sorry we’ll miss you!” At every wedding there will be people who RSVP and don’t show up, for whatever reason. You can either beat your head against the wall or shrug about it. **The Hamster King** , sounds like it all worked out in the end. I’m glad your BIL was reasonable about it. Hope he enjoys a happy marriage and a kick-ass insurance policy. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/23 "2015-03-01T16:01:53Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > You only take one day off work–leave in the morning and return at night. Thus no hotel bills. > You leave the kids in LA, either letting them fend for themselves or hire a sitter–and they can take care of the dog. No dress clothes for them, no winter coats for them, no problems them missing school. > You send the other couple a big present–explaining it’s your wife’s brother–and family is very important to the two of you!!! Enabling much? ---
**Author:** ![Desert\_Nomad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desert_nomad/32/177_2.png) [@Desert\_Nomad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Desert_Nomad)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/24 "2015-03-01T16:14:12Z")
I am glad that I am not as tied down as the OP. When I was living in Dubai, I decided to go to New York around 3 in the afternoon and by dinnertime, I was on a flight. I could leave for Chicago this afternoon if I needed to. That sort of freedom is what I value most. Having said that, my wife and I gave 4 months notice of getting married. ---
**Author:** ![Septima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@Septima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Septima)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/25 "2015-03-01T18:19:36Z")
[QUOTE=PunditLisa] My daughter is getting married in May, so I know all about logistics and expenses of planning a wedding. If someone RSVPd to her wedding, only to find out that their sister was getting married on very short notice the same day, my response would be, “I’m really sorry we’ll miss you!” [/QUOTE] The rules don’t change just because you personally think this particular instance merits an exception. What if it’s not a sibling, but a cousin? What if it’s not another wedding, but a birthday party? What if their favorite band is having a concert? What if the person just decided to go shopping? When you RSVP yes, you are saying “I commit to your event, and promise to turn down every other invitation I get, and miss out on all other opportunities that day, even if I subsequently get a better offer.” A promise is a promise, even if no longer convenient. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/26 "2015-03-01T20:33:08Z")
> [@Septima](#): > > The rules don’t change just because you personally think this particular instance merits an exception. What if it’s not a sibling, but a cousin? What if it’s not another wedding, but a birthday party? What if their favorite band is having a concert? What if the person just decided to go shopping? So let’s say this BIL drops dead the week of this wedding, and the wedding day is the day of his funeral. Are you seriously saying that you’d skip his funeral because there are NO exceptions to “the rule”? If not, then you are conceding that there are, indeed, occasions that merit an exception to the “rule.” (Not really sure what rule you are referring to, BTW. Because I know of no rule that says “Once you pop that RSVP in the mail, you cannot subsequently decline FOR ANY REASON, even if it’s prior to the RSVP deadline.”) ---
**Author:** ![Septima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@Septima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Septima)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/27 "2015-03-01T21:31:33Z")
The rules are the rules of etiquette, and that’s a more or less universal one. True emergencies (which pretty much boils down to death, illness and possibly natural disasters), as you rightly point out, trump etiquette. Making other plans does not. There is no inconsistency here. You may not, under any circumstances, _make other plans or accept other invitations_ once you have committed to one. A death is generally not planned. ---
**Author:** ![Lee\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/aeb1de/32.png) [@Lee\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lee_Q)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/28 "2015-03-01T22:00:02Z")
> [@The\_Hamster\_King](#): > > Oh, I’m not asking how we go about getting out of it. We already figured that out. I just had to share. 😃 > > My wife ISN’T close to her brother. But he is family and we gladly would go to his wedding halfway across the country if we had adequate time to plan. He and his fiance came to our daughter’s bat mitzvah two years ago. > > I honestly don’t think he has any idea of what he’s asking. He’s in his 50’s and never been married before. No kids. No pets. Always worked as a freelancer, so never had a 9-to-5 job. So for him, dropping everything to make an unexpected trip is no big deal. You book your flight, pack your bags, and boom … you’re good to go. The thought that we might have a large tangle of responsibilities and commitments that we’d have to extract ourselves from probably hasn’t even crossed his mind. > > The kicker: My wife asked him why he was getting married so fast. His answer? He missed the February deadline for signing up for Obamacare so he currently doesn’t have health insurance. But if he gets married he can be added to his finance’s insurance immediately. :smack: He’s probably not a total jerk, since he and fiance both went to your daughter’s bat mitzvah 2 years ago. But it seems odd that he wouldn’t have “any idea of what he’s asking” just because he’s never been married and the other reasons you cite. Maybe he has more freedom to be impetuous than those who are more “tied down” by circumstance, but OTOH he is in his 50’s, not someone who has no life experience and has never observed the lives of others who do not share his own lifestyle. Bottom line to me is the “kicker” at the end. He’s getting married so fast in order to be covered by fiance’s insurance. This tells me the guy is, whatever else, very practical in some ways. Surely such a person would totally appreciate your reasons for having to skip such a short-notice event. I realize you just wanted to share and weren’t looking for ways or reasons to justify it or whatever. But just saying, seems like there shouldn’t be even a lingering teensy bit of feeling bad on your part. He sounds like a guy who would totally get it. Good on you for saying you WOULD make the trip (even though your wife is not close to him) if you’d had more notice! ---
**Author:** ![alphaboi867](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alphaboi867/32/3898_2.png) [@alphaboi867](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alphaboi867)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/29 "2015-03-01T22:35:15Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > So let’s say this BIL drops dead the week of this wedding, and the wedding day is the day of his funeral. Are you seriously saying that you’d skip his funeral because there are NO exceptions to “the rule”?.. Even Emily Post agrees that a death in the family is a legitimate excuse to back out of a social engagement on short notice. The other exception is a last minute invitation from the President. ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/30 "2015-03-01T22:49:20Z")
> [@The\_Hamster\_King](#): > > … in three weeks. In Chicago. And we live in L.A. And he’s expecting us to be there. :smack: > > We’d need to get plane tickets and book hotels. I don’t know about hotels, but isn’t 21 days the magic number for your best chance at cheaper air fare? Yeah, I’d send a gift and my regrets. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2015, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/31 "2015-03-02T00:07:48Z")
> [@Septima](#): > > There is no inconsistency here. You may not, under any circumstances, _make other plans or accept other invitations_ once you have committed to one. A death is generally not planned. Yeah, I call bull on this as well. If my brother needed me to be his best man at extremely short notice, all other RSVPs would be null and void. After my apology, I would further expect anyone who had invited me to an important/joyous event to understand and encourage me to go stand for my brother. Etiquette goes both ways. There are events short of life or death that trump an already sent RSVP. Etiquette is about making people comfortable and happy, not locking them into a schedule . ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2015, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/32 "2015-03-02T03:03:33Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > So let’s say this BIL drops dead the week of this wedding, and the wedding day is the day of his funeral. Are you seriously saying that you’d skip his funeral because there are NO exceptions to “the rule”? If attending the funeral required me to fly several thousand miles, I can tell you I wouldn’t attend it. I would skip the funeral because it happens to be several thousand miles away. The BIL isn’t exactly local to **Hamster** ; the issue would be completely different if he was. ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2015, 10:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/33 "2015-03-02T10:17:26Z")
> [@The\_Hamster\_King](#): > > It’s resolved. We won’t be there and neither will my father- and mother-in-law. Basically the happy couple is treating it like they’re eloping. They’re just eloping to the bride’s hometown. > > We invited them to come out to L.A. this summer on our dime and we’ll celebrate with them then. Or we’ll do a big party in New Jersey next time we travel to visit my in-laws. > > My brother-in-law was fine when my wife told him. We were afraid it would turn into “What, don’t you love your brother?” but he seems so upbeat about the wedding itself he doesn’t care if we’re there or not. Sounds like he wasn’t really “expecting” you to be there, then. He invited you just in case you could make it. Maybe he’ll have a party later for those who couldn’t make it, like what you’ve suggested - maybe they’ve already planned to do something like that. Maybe they’re just not that bothered about the elements of a wedding beyond the “getting married” parts. There’s nothing wrong with arranging a short-notice wedding and inviting people but being fine with them not being able to make it. I’ve been invited to a couple of weddings that there was no way I could make but I still very much appreciated the invitation, because it told me that they would like me there if it were possible, and who knows, maybe I could have swung it. This wedding’s in the wife’s hometown, so that could make it sound like they’re prioritising the wife’s family, but weddings are traditionally a bigger deal for women than men, and you, at least, live a very long way from your hometown (don’t now if the rest of your family is spread out too); maybe her family are mostly in or around the same place still. So given a choice it would be more sensible to have the wedding at the wife’s. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2015, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/34 "2015-03-02T14:18:46Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > If attending the funeral required me to fly several thousand miles, I can tell you I wouldn’t attend it. I would skip the funeral because it happens to be several thousand miles away. The BIL isn’t exactly local to **Hamster** ; the issue would be completely different if he was. Not attending because of the travel involved is a separate issue than not attending because you’d already accepted another wedding invitation. Let’s say that you don’t mind the travel, or that it happens to be a local wedding: Would you choose to attend your husband’s sister’s wedding over the wedding that you’d already RSVPd to? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Hamster\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8edcca/32.png) [@The\_Hamster\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Hamster_King)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/35 "2015-03-13T21:38:19Z")
And … the other shoe drops! Last night my wife learned that the bride is expecting a baby in June. :eek: Why he just didn’t tell us this two weeks ago I don’t know. It’s not like we wouldn’t find out eventually. And apparently he’s pissed that we didn’t figure it out on our own. Seriously? You’re annoyed that we didn’t immediately assume that you were irresponsible with birth control? This will not end well … . ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/36 "2015-03-13T22:06:51Z")
Their baby registry will probably be quite interesting. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Vorlon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d07c76/32.png) [@The\_Vorlon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Vorlon)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/37 "2015-03-13T22:11:37Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > Their baby registry will probably be quite interesting. Condoms (case lot) Diapers (pallet of each size) 5 Gal pail of zinc oxide cream… ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/38 "2015-03-13T22:43:20Z")
Even if I didn’t have another commitment, if I were in the OP’s situation my response would be on the order of: “Hey, Congratulations! I wish you the best but it’s going to be crazy time for you and if I’m flying halfway across the country I want to be able to spend some real quality time with you and your new wife. Let set up a visit for this summer.” Then I’d send a really nice gift. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/39 "2015-03-13T22:46:39Z")
> [@Ann\_Hedonia](#): > > Even if I didn’t have another commitment, if I were in the OP’s situation my response would be on the order of: > > “Hey, Congratulations! I wish you the best but it’s going to be crazy time for you and if I’m flying halfway across the country I want to be able to spend some real quality time with you and your new wife. Let set up a visit for this summer.” Then I’d send a really nice gift. It’s like when my Grandmother was dying and my Mom warned me I might have to get away on short notice for the funeral. I thought about for a minute and I said " That’s really stupid, I think it would be better if I came to visit BEFORE she dies" and I booked a flight for the next day. I missed the actual funeral but that last visit was special. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2015, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834/40 "2015-03-15T05:33:12Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Not attending because of the travel involved is a separate issue than not attending because you’d already accepted another wedding invitation. Let’s say that you don’t mind the travel, or that it happens to be a local wedding: Would you choose to attend your husband’s sister’s wedding over the wedding that you’d already RSVPd to? First I’d have to be married, as the answer would depend on our relationship with the hypothetical husband’s sister. My brother who’s hopefully getting married “soonish” would ask if I have any commitments before setting a date, and accepts that previous commitments may prevent me from attending. Local custom indicates that if you have two comitments on the same day and got the second invitation after accepting the first, you attend the one to which you were already commited and drop by the other one if logistically possible. I’ve known cases of unrelated people combining weddings because of “shared wedding lists” - less expense for everybody, a bigger party and nobody’s feelings get hurt. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-in-law-has-announced-hes-getting-married/713834.md?page=3)