# My brother is an irresponsible fuckhead **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 12, 2008, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841 "2008-12-12T04:31:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/21 "2008-12-12T18:09:47Z")
> [@appleciders](#): > > That seems a little harsh. He may be a stupid person, but he is family, and since he hasn’t done anything malicious, there’s no reason to cut off all contact. Drunk driving, taking all of your sisters’ laundry soap, beer, and gas, hitting on all of her friends, and not doing squat for her, after she gives you money, helps you find a job, loans you her car, etc-that’s all malicious in my book. If that’s “family”, you can have it. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/22 "2008-12-12T18:35:49Z")
> [@DellieM](#): > > My husband begged me to get him out the house, so I found him a nice flat for $100 a week. Okay, nice probably isn’t the BEST word, more like neat. To get him out, we parted with about $700 for two weeks rent in advance and the bond. We bought him kitchen stuff, bathroom stuff, gave him a table, chairs, a mattress and linen as well. > > He moved in on a Friday night. I lent him my car for the evening and told him to return it the next day. The next morning (also his pay day) he returned my car and offered me …. well, nothing really. He was broke because the unmitigated irresponsible little fuck had spent his wages on a Sony Playstation 3. In a recent great quotes thread, somobody posted this little gem, which seems to sum up your brother: “Well, normally, I’d comment with Hanlon’s Razor, which runs, Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. However, in this case, I think the corollary applies: Any sufficiently advanced stupidity is indistinguishable from malice.” - “darksasami,” on LiveJournal ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/23 "2008-12-12T18:52:12Z")
> [@DellieM](#): > > My husband begged me to get him out the house I feel sorry for the husband, who had to resort to begging. ---
**Author:** ![SteveG1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@SteveG1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SteveG1)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/24 "2008-12-12T18:53:36Z")
Cut him off completely. He will not change (but I bet he likes to say he will). He will never own up to anything. Cut off all contact. Since you now know he associates with known criminals, you have no way of knowing how really bad they are (or him for that matter, since he chooses to associate with them). Change the locks, change the phone number, tell him to keep ALL his problems to himself. If he does go to jail, he put himself there. You tried to help him and he shit all over you. Enough is enough. ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/25 "2008-12-12T19:04:24Z")
> [@DellieM](#): > > I was reunited with my brother about 7 years ago. I tracked him down Always be careful of what you wish for. ---
**Author:** ![atomicbadgerrace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e7dd6/32.png) [@atomicbadgerrace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/atomicbadgerrace)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/26 "2008-12-12T19:11:25Z")
You’ve been more than generous and understanding with this putz for far too long. “Family” is no reason to associate with people who treat you like this. Family gets a _bit_ more leeway than the average Joe, but beyond that, fuck 'em. You’ve given this clown plenty of leeway, and it’s time to bid him adieu. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/27 "2008-12-12T20:02:56Z")
> [@DellieM](#): > > …so we packed up the ute and headed for the bush. …the backcountry, that is…stunted trees…marsupials. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/28 "2008-12-12T20:51:21Z")
I am a psychologist, although not your psychologist. Anyhoodle, for the label of [Antisocial Personality Disorder (or sociopath)](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder) to fit, three or more of the following traits should apply to your brother: > [@](#): > > [ul] > [li]1. Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;[/li][li]2. Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;[/li][li]3. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;[/li][li]4. Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;[/li][li]5. Reckless disregard for safety of self or others;[/li][li]6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;[/li][li]7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.[/li][/ul] I’m counting _four_. You? ASP’s don’t change. Cut him loose, and change your locks. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/29 "2008-12-12T21:56:30Z")
I’m going to take a slightly different tack: keep him at arm’s length and don’t let him mooch off you, but be there for him when he does finally hit rock bottom. Equally, should he manage to procreate, make sure you maintain contact with the children. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/30 "2008-12-12T22:21:52Z")
Weeeeell, in his defense, he’s obviously pissing you off. That’s what little brothers _do_. It’s in our standard contract, somewhere. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/31 "2008-12-12T22:24:50Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > for the label of [Antisocial Personality Disorder (or sociopath)](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder) to fit, three or more of the following traits Heck, I got three or four of those myself. Uh… you jerk! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/32 "2008-12-12T23:57:12Z")
According to Dear Abby, people who don’t understand about someone cutting terrible family members out of their lives are judging based on their own experience. To the people in this thread who don’t get it, good for you - I’m glad you don’t have any family members that have made you cut them out of your life to protect yourself. To the OP, I fully support you never having anything to do with this waste of skin again. Having a relationship with a family member shouldn’t be nothing but a bad experience (does he do anything positive with you or for you?). ---
**Author:** ![Cardinal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardinal/32/4000_2.png) [@Cardinal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardinal)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2008, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/33 "2008-12-13T00:06:17Z")
One of the major tenets of the 12 step programs is that you have to hugely involved in effecting your change. If he’s not going to make a tremendous effort, he’s probably not going to change, and no amount of cajoling will start it. I wouldn’t offer to help him at least until he has a record of being very different. 12 step sponsors won’t even call you. If you don’t care enough to call, then no amount of pushing is going to have any real effect. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2008, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/34 "2008-12-13T03:04:53Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > According to Dear Abby, people who don’t understand about someone cutting terrible family members out of their lives are judging based on their own experience. To the people in this thread who don’t get it, good for you - I’m glad you don’t have any family members that have made you cut them out of your life to protect yourself. To the OP, I fully support you never having anything to do with this waste of skin again. Having a relationship with a family member shouldn’t be nothing but a bad experience (does he do anything positive with you or for you?). I don’t have any family members I had to cut out of my life, and I STILL understand. Relative != family. And family != relative. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2008, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/35 "2008-12-13T03:21:54Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > I feel sorry for the husband, who had to resort to begging. Word… what the fuck is that all about? A few days of the behavior she described and he’d have been back on the sidewalk so fast his head would spin, and yet she made hubby tolerate this dangerously irresponsible shit for weeks. ---
**Author:** ![Vox\_Imperatoris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Vox\_Imperatoris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vox_Imperatoris)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2008, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/36 "2008-12-13T07:38:32Z")
> [@Bryan\_Ekers](#): > > Heck, I got three or four of those myself. > > Uh… you jerk! Not likely. You have to display them to an advanced degree, e.g. randomly deciding to go on vacation once does not necessarily indicate impulsiveness. Valete, Vox Imperatoris ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2008, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/37 "2008-12-14T20:19:13Z")
**DellieM** , you have my sympathy. In 1975, I wound up throwing my brother out of my parents’ house because he was high and drunk and abusive toward everyone. I told him that when he got his shit together, he had a brother waiting for him who would help, but until then, he could go fuck himself. Two years later, I had to bury him. He showed up at my parents’ house two days before his 38th birthday, high and drunk, and attacked my father. My mother had to shoot him to protect Dad’s life. You’re doing the right thing by getting a whole lot of gone between you and him. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2008, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/38 "2008-12-14T20:23:24Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > **DellieM** , you have my sympathy. In 1975, I wound up throwing my brother out of my parents’ house because he was high and drunk and abusive toward everyone. I told him that when he got his shit together, he had a brother waiting for him who would help, but until then, he could go fuck himself. > > Two years later, I had to bury him. He showed up at my parents’ house two days before his 38th birthday, high and drunk, and attacked my father. My mother had to shoot him to protect Dad’s life. > > You’re doing the right thing by getting a whole lot of gone between you and him. Holy shit. :eek: That makes all my family drama pale in comparison. How traumatic that must have been for your whole family, especially your mom. My sympathies. ---
**Author:** ![DellieM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@DellieM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DellieM)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2008, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/39 "2008-12-15T00:05:41Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Word… what the fuck is that all about? A few days of the behavior she described and he’d have been back on the sidewalk so fast his head would spin, and yet she made hubby tolerate this dangerously irresponsible shit for weeks. My husband never wanted him to move to where we live, much less move in with us. He told me this two weeks after asshat was in the spare room and the conversation went something like this: “Ummmmm, DellieM I haven’t been exactly honest about how I feel about this, but you don’t have any family locally, and I thought it was the right thing to do at the time, after all, if he was my brother, I would want to help him out too.” And I said “It’s driving you crazy isn’t it?” and he replied “Fucking oath. Please do what you can to get him out of the house.” And I said “I am all over it”. For the record he’s rung me twice since Friday, which I ignored, but I rang him on Sunday night. I gave him a spray and told him how irresponsible, disrespectful and all round stupid he was and ‘how could you do that after everything we’ve done for you’ etc. He listened silently, never arguing back. This morning he called in before I went to work and gave me $200. Good boy. When I asked him where it came from, he said that it was his ‘social club money’ (euphanism for cash needed to go clubbing or to the pub, or for alcohol). Maybe he’s not quite a write-off yet. Thanks for the support, and thanks for the perspective - some of you have done it extremely hard. “I love yous all.” ---
**Author:** ![Jayn\_Newell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jayn\_Newell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayn_Newell)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2008, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841/40 "2008-12-15T00:34:09Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > I don’t have any family members I had to cut out of my life, and I STILL understand. Relative != family. And family != relative. Tell me about it. I’ve never had a toxic family member, but that’s partly because I haven’t gotten to know my FIL. After seeing the damage he left on his wife and kids, it’s obvious to me that some people just aren’t worth dealing with. My husband has been hurt enough by this man–I would never ask him to endure _more_ for the sake of “family”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-brother-is-an-irresponsible-fuckhead/476841.md?page=3)