# My coworker has taken over my life - I feel guilty all the time **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 3, 2013, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520 "2013-07-03T10:41:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2013, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/61 "2013-07-04T18:25:18Z")
> [@OleOneEye](#): > > Oh, I’m quite sure he knows exactly what he’s doing. All the times I’ve looked down to see his hand in front of my crotch tell me he gets something out of making me squirm. So wait, he’s sexually harrassing you, but you STILL feel you should be miserable on his behalf? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Skypist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skypist/32/169_2.png) [@Skypist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skypist)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2013, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/62 "2013-07-04T20:46:34Z")
> [@OleOneEye](#): > > People keep telling me this, and it still doesn’t make sense to me. I can’t explain why - it just feels wrong. We’re all supposed to be equal. The world can’t give anyone that. Equal rights is one thing, but we can’t all have an equal outcome. This guy may be exaggerating his problems, anyway. You don’t like him. Why are you worrying about him? There may be some kind of assistance he could get if he’s not already. Visiting nurses, respite for caregivers programs, Medicaid or food stamps if he’s not making ends meet, etc. I would like to echo other posters that not having children is **not selfish**. He is not selflessly giving his time to his disabled children. He decided to have them. They are his blood relatives. He took the luck of the draw. It’s not like he’s giving all his time, energy, and money to take care of strangers. They’re his. Aaargh! ---
**Author:** ![OleOneEye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f14d63/32.png) [@OleOneEye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OleOneEye)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2013, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/63 "2013-07-05T02:07:45Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > Have you spoken to management about how he’s a bad worker who keeps trying to grope you? He hasn’t groped me, he just has no boundaries. It’s considered courteous to say _something_ before you reach your hand near someone’s privates, say, to put away some dishes on a shelf in front of them. “Watch yer nuts” works, as does, “Excuse me, I need to get around you”, or even “Reacharound!” Most people observe this little bit of etiquette. Everyone but him, really. It’s a little disconcerting to look down and see a gross old man’s hand inches from my groin. One time I got angry and said, “ **Don’t** reach in front of me.” He responded, “ **Excuse** me?” I didn’t press the matter, because I felt like a heel for speaking sharply to an old man. ---
**Author:** ![OleOneEye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f14d63/32.png) [@OleOneEye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OleOneEye)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2013, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/64 "2013-07-05T02:16:31Z")
> [@Tracijo67](#): > > If Willy decides to work 24/7, that is his decision to make. Whether or not he wants to, he is choosing to, and you are way overstepping your bounds – and his autonomy – by speaking to management about changing his hours. I wish this were true. Sure, he may have made choices that landed him in this position, but he’s now stuck. Because of his family situation, any employer has him over a barrel. He used to complain to me about his hours, back when I was still speaking to him, but he daren’t say anything to management because his handicapped wife and handicapped daughter and his son who has something wrong with him and his minor daughter all are counting on his meager paycheck. He expected me to be his voice because he knew I have less to lose. ---
**Author:** ![OleOneEye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f14d63/32.png) [@OleOneEye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OleOneEye)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2013, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/65 "2013-07-05T02:17:34Z")
> [@Typo\_Knig](#): > > Getting back to the restaurant thing - I read Anthony Bourdain’s **Kitchen Confidential** and I recommend it to you. I’ve never worked in food service, but Tony’s advice looks solid. The book is also a fun read. Thank you. I read it years ago before I decided to make the career change. It’ll be interesting to compare it to my experience. ---
**Author:** ![OleOneEye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f14d63/32.png) [@OleOneEye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OleOneEye)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2013, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/66 "2013-07-05T02:20:54Z")
> [@Skypist](#): > > He is not selflessly giving his time to his disabled children. He decided to have them. Is that really true? Women get the final say on whether babies are born. He only chose to do the right thing and stick around to support them. He has made comments that suggest his children may not have been entirely wanted. Or maybe that he was not entirely wanted. My memory is good but imperfect. It was a joke he made one time about naming children things like “Oh Shit!” and “Not again!” ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2013, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/67 "2013-07-05T03:20:32Z")
Seriously, if you can’t separate your life from his, get some counselling. Working in kitchens you will always be working with people who haven’t exactly maxed out their potential; you need to find a way to not internalize other people’s problems. ---
**Author:** ![SanVito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sanvito/32/2805_2.png) [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2013, 8:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/68 "2013-07-05T08:57:58Z")
> [@OleOneEye](#): > > Is that really true? Women get the final say on whether babies are born. He only chose to do the right thing and stick around to support them. > > He has made comments that suggest his children may not have been entirely wanted. Or maybe that he was not entirely wanted. My memory is good but imperfect. It was a joke he made one time about naming children things like “Oh Shit!” and “Not again!” What, did the ‘life’s not fair’ police take away his condoms too? Well schucks, that guy’s just so damned unlucky. Seriously, listen to what you’re saying. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2013, 9:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/69 "2013-07-05T09:04:44Z")
> [@OleOneEye](#): > > The irony is, by trying to be nice to my other coworkers, I’m making his life harder. Other people are happy to work with me because I try to get work done at the end of the day to make things easier for the opening shift. But this means that Willy Loman is stuck working later on closing shifts - he’s always trying to rush me out and take things away from me before I’m done with them. He can’t drag his butt around long enough to get his job done and it’s your fault? He’s butting into other people’s work and it’s your fault? Woman, the martyrs department is down the hallway. Would you like us to fetch some Romans, or will a nice civil war make do? Oh, and while you’re at it: I need my red backup HDD brought over from my house. C’mon, you’re already late with it! ---
**Author:** ![saje](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saje/32/3631_2.png) [@saje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saje)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2013, 10:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/70 "2013-07-05T10:52:36Z")
Life isn’t fair. Never has been, never will be. Do the best you can with what you’ve got, try not to hurt others and give to others when you can. It’s ok to live for yourself, but it’s better if you can do something for someone else’s benefit. Your emotions affect only you. How you handle those emotions is what affects others around you, the feelings themselves and the thoughts that go along with them do nothing for anyone but yourself. So, to be blunt, get over yourself and go DO something for someone else, it doesn’t have to be your coworker, he’s certainly not the only person in dire straits out there. Donate time, donate money, donate food, give to Goodwill and the like. Hell, since lack of reading skill is Coworker’s downfall, get involved in tutoring others. By the way, Do you know for a fact, first hand, that his life is so hard? Or do you only know what he’s told you? ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Knig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@Typo\_Knig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Knig)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2013, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/71 "2013-07-05T11:56:39Z")
> [@OleOneEye](#): > > Thank you. I read it years ago before I decided to make the career change. It’ll be interesting to compare it to my experience. And I think it will be interesting to hear what someone in the restaurant business has to say about Bourdain’s book(s). That’s another thread - one I look forward to reading in the future. ---
**Author:** ![SeaDragonTattoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@SeaDragonTattoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaDragonTattoo)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2013, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/72 "2013-07-05T12:05:16Z")
Seriously, **OleOneEye** , fuck this guy. He’s an ass. You make your bed, you lie in it. If it’s a tiny, messy, dirty bed, so be it. He has three people in his house bringing in disability checks. They’re not destitute. Perhaps he sucks at budgeting. Perhaps he has a spendthrift for a wife. Who cares? Not your problem. There are people I work with who whine about not having enough money and then have another cigarette while they drive away. I should sympathize why, exactly, just because they smoke their cash and incinerate it in a gas tank? No one is stopping him from reading and writing. No one has stopped him his whole life. Some people build their own blockade and seem comfortable there, sucking the teat of sympathy from others. Fuck that. People like that can kiss my ass, and there’s nothing stopping you from telling him to cry you a river. I’m saying this to you this as a 42 year old female who has chosen to be child free and changed careers on a drastic level at age 30. I’ve been “poor” but damned happy ever since. I’m educated, I continue to educate myself for my current career (learn something new every day), and have managed a meager budget. People who can’t figure out they need to learn stuff continually and live within their means can suck it. ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2013, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/73 "2013-07-05T22:25:57Z")
At this point, I feel bad for neither of you. Let him continue to ruin your life; your total lack of desire to act to correct this situation has me screaming at the screen like you’re a 90s slasher victim. My next emotion is probably going to be laughter, since this is ridiculous. ---
**Author:** ![OleOneEye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f14d63/32.png) [@OleOneEye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OleOneEye)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2013, 8:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/74 "2013-07-06T08:12:18Z")
> [@saje](#): > > Do you know for a fact, first hand, that his life is so hard? Or do you only know what he’s told you? I only know what I’ve pieced together from things I’ve seen and things other people have said. Our old boss told me there was something wrong with Willy Loman’s wife and daughter and son. He has an able-bodied daughter that he’s brought around, so I’m guessing the problem is with the other daughter. There’s at least one handicapped person in his household because he has handicapped plates on his car. He’s also mentioned his wife having been hospitalized. My best guess is emphysema, but I can’t justify that guess. I don’t know what’s wrong with the son. Maybe he had all his limbs blown off in the war - or maybe he just can’t stay out of jail. That one’s a complete unknown. I have reason to believe the disabled daughter is profoundly retarded. One time, I casually called a rule “retarded” and he _winced_. Also, another coworker said something about Willy Loman having to go home to take care of his “poor sick girl”, so I’m guessing she’s more than a little retarded. It just sounds like unrelenting misery - he has to take care of so many people, there’s nothing left for him. ---
**Author:** ![thicksantorum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@thicksantorum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thicksantorum)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2013, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/75 "2013-07-06T16:45:52Z")
Completely ignoring the advice given… ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2013, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/76 "2013-07-06T16:57:10Z")
Yep, now I’m at laughter. This is the kind of story I’d tell _other_ friends about you over drinks, and have to swear up and down that I was serious. I probably still wouldn’t be believed. ---
**Author:** ![Skypist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skypist/32/169_2.png) [@Skypist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skypist)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2013, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/77 "2013-07-06T17:17:19Z")
Are you getting something out of feeling “guilty” about this man? That’s the only reason I can think of that you would be so obsessed about his supposed plight. There’s a lot more “unrelenting misery” out there than what this guy’s got. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f8ce5/32.png) [@The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Peyote_Coyote)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2013, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/78 "2013-07-06T17:53:26Z")
OleOneEye: As a man old enough to be your father, my advice to you would be to grow a spine. He may be an illiterate because he honestly thought he could by with a strong back and a good work ethic and he needed to help out his family. Even in the ‘60’s that was a dubious decision, but he also could be an illiterate because book larnin’ meant hard work and he wanted to get drunk and get high and get laid, not listen to them pointy-haided teachers. I see that in some of the high school dropouts in Indiana; they are simply lazy, not determined to get by with physical labor and old-fashioned grit. He’s a cook? He has a valuable skill and surely there are other restaurants in the area who would hire him if he is worth anything. His daughter is severely retarded? There are programs to help her out and you’ve already mentioned the family gets foodstamps. Being handicapped doesn’t mean being incapable of working. I have an uncle in a wheelchair who worked most of his life for the US Post office. His other family members could look for work and if they can’t work, there is disability or other programs to help them out. Maybe the next time he starts to play with your head, you can tell him to do something useful and look into those programs. He tells management one thing and you another? He is a liar, and why should you waste empathy on him? You’re arranging your team’s program simply to accomodate this guy? Why should your team respect you? Having been both a cook and a dishwasher, I know good and well that the day shift appreciates having everything ready to go. He told management he would work any hours. The next time he whines, tell him: “Tough shit, you have to stay until we’re ready to go. If you don’t like it, go to the bosses.” You didn’t ruin this guy’s life, as others have said. He did that by not learning anything and by not using birth control. I would bet you that he tells his wife about you and laughs at how an illiterate punk can manipulate someone who thinks she is so smart. Guilt is a useless emotion unless it inspires you to make atonement or doing something good for the world. You have nothing to atone for. As others have suggested, there are all sorts of things you can do to help other people. Your partner is a saint. By the second or third time you started to speak for hours on end about this guy, I would have told you in no uncertain terms to shut up. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2013, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/79 "2013-07-06T20:21:01Z")
> [@OleOneEye](#): > > Oh, I’m quite sure he knows exactly what he’s doing. All the times I’ve looked down to see his hand in front of my crotch tell me he gets something out of making me squirm. > > And yes, everyone is technically correct - I personally didn’t create his problems. I just don’t believe that absolves me. It’s like a white person saying to a black, “Hey, I didn’t enslave you so I don’t need to examine my white privilege.” > > Assuming he’s in his late 50s and dropped out of school before his grasp of reading and writing had time to completely gel, I’ll guess he dropped out in the late 1960s. He made a choice, but I believe he made it in good faith with what he knew at the time. If he was a poor boy from a poor family, he wasn’t going to go to college. And fancy book learning was for sissies - back then a man could support a family with his _hands_! And staying in school would have been actively bad - his family would have missed out on the income he would make by dropping out to work. > > And then society pulled the carpet out from under him. We went from an industrial economy to a service economy. Whoops - so much for a man supporting a family with his hands. It doesn’t help that educated people like me raise the standards when we take blue collar jobs. He used to work as a cook - now he can’t because we’re expected to read and write and do 'rithmetic. > > It’s a terrible situation that I didn’t create and am struggling to handle correctly. I think that your thought processes are way, way out of whack. “Absolve” you??? Wish I could help, but, I don’t know what to say. Very seriously, do you use a lot of alcohol or other mood altering chemicals? If so, you might want to tone it down a little. Best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2013, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520/80 "2013-07-06T20:22:34Z")
> [@Typo\_Knig](#): > > … friends are happy for you even if you have it better than them. A friend of mine has a boat - I could never afford one but good for them! A dear friend of mine barely has two nickles to rub together, but she was happy for me when I bought a house, sent my kid to college, etc. Someone who takes your good news and turns it back on you into guilt is not your friend. > > I hope this helps you. You brighten up everyone else’s life when you enjoy life. You drag everyone else down (including a partner who doesn’t deserve it) when you’re being depressed and co-dependent. I have kids and live in a tiny house, and don’t go on ‘vacations’. I look forward to asking my rich(er) friends how they’re doing, and getting stories of trips and concerts and cabins (and, yes, even boats!). Their optimism helps me not get depressed. If you are depressed, for God’s sake DO something about it. Including divorcing this co-worker emotionally. ETA: And getting counseling. Right away. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-coworker-has-taken-over-my-life-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time/662520.md?page=5)