Yes, and I will still consider every single human being with a vagina more of an expert on the “experiences of women” than you.
When I started my period, I would have been embarrassed if my dad had discussed it with my friends, or with other people/ family members in front of me (or if they would have talked to me about it afterward). But if he had talked with his friends, particularly those with daughters, about how he’d handled it, what he could do in the future, what it meant to him as a parent, etc., I wouldn’t have been bothered. Those parts of it were absolutely his experiences. The OP wasn’t describing to us the details of his daughter’s first period, he was talking about his experiences as a father and his relationship with his daughter.
About what? About having her first period, or that I might talk about how it affected me to people she didn’t know? Yes to the first and no to the second, because I talk about myself to other people 100s of times a year without consulting her. Parents talk about their kids’ milestones all the time to other parents - even the embarrassing ones. Yours did too, I might add, almost for certain - and felt no need to consult with you about it.
Now I recognize that this particular milestone is somewhat more sensitive, so I have NOT talked about it to anybody in person. But the SDMB is the closest thing to an anonymous message board of adults there is for me. I got into a motorcycle accident last year, and I posted about it on a motorcycling board to commiserate and discuss the idea of giving up riding. I bought season tickets for the Mets, and you bet I post about that a ton on the appropriate message boards as well.
I know not everyone here is a parent, in fact most probably aren’t. But the thread was about me as a parent and not my daughter as a young adult. I might therefore expect thread participants to respond in the same context.
If your feeling is basically “this topic isn’t fit for public discussion of any kind!”, I find that a little bit odd as it’s something that, unlike having sexual relations which I would think is even more taboo to talk about as a third person, is something that every female on the planet who lives long enough will experience, barring some kind of physiological issue. And women certainly talk about it openly enough, at least some do that I know, including my wife to my daughters (who has talked about it to my daughters on public trains). So menstruation doesn’t seem like a particularly taboo subject to me. Maybe I’m just an outlier on that, though, in which case I apologize and blame my wife.
Wow, this thread really took a turn for the weird.
Ladies- this is not about you. You are not this little girl. Your relationship to your period and your body and your family has nothing at all to do with her world. You don’t get to own her (theoretical, and probably impossible) outrage.
I think a first period is a much bigger deal for the parent than for the kid. For the kid, a first period is just the first of many times that you’ll have to deal with an annoying bodily function. It’s not particularly poignent, just messy and (maybe) embarrassing.
But for a parent, it’s a sign that they have raised you into physical maturity…one of the primal goals of parenting. It means that the little kid they’ve built their life around has, with all the implications to come, taken one of the first steps away from childhood and into being a woman. A little girl doesn’t know much about being a woman so that step is kind of abstract, but the parents have a different perspective on the joys and challenges she has ahead of her. Likewise a kid doesn’t really do all that much to get raised- you pretty much just have to play a lot and not flunk out of kindergarten. But (most) parents put a lot into their kids, and they are deeply invested in their kid’s growing up in a way that kids have no way to understand.
I think the OP is sweet. And yes, we have had threads here along the lines of “I washed my son’s sheets, and had a sudden realize that a dynamic had changed.” They’d been good humored and sweet commentaries on the the joys and heartbreaks of parenting.
And by doing so you denigrate their experiences. You both marginalize and essentialize their realities. Are you really conceited enough that you believe you can encapsulate the realities of half of the human population within your own experience?
This is well said.
Ballsy, huh?
Let’s say you are a Dogon woman. You are born without a gender, but you become a woman at 7 or 8 years old, when your male clitoris and labia is ritually excised. You live on a remote escarpment, where you follow the ancient gods. The area you live in is steeped in gendered magic. Men have a secret ritual language, and you have memorized the sacred spaces in the hills and valleys where you, as a woman, must never step. You have your own granary, which men can never touch. In this you can keep your food stores and personal belongings, which you will use to make your way in the world as a independent agent. Likewise, men have their own living space, where they gossip, chat, settle disputes and play out their daily lives.
When you have your period, you spend five days on a hut at the edge of the village, and the powerful magic you are channeling is kept far away from the safety of the home. You will marry after you have your first child, which will probably be quite young, and you can expect to be continuously pregnant as long as you are fertile.
Funny, huh, because my experience as a woman is just like that. Except not. The fact that we have both at some point bled out of our vaginas doesn’t mean we know shit about what it means for the other person to be “female.” I think any given American male I know is going to have a much better concept of what it means for me to be a woman (as a single 30 year old professional on birth control) than a Dogon 13 year old mother in the menstruation hut.
Holy hell, I think I’m in love. But wait, haven’t you spoken of a significant other in the recent past? Don’t mind me here in the corner, I’ll just pine…
That’s Dogon YOUNG LADY to you. And be careful with the kerning.
You seem to have confused threadshitting with disagreeing with the OP.
At which point your proud papa goes online to tell strangers all about it.
This cuts both ways. If we (as “ladies”) don’t get to own our daughter’s “outrage”, then how does he, as a step-father get to own her alleged joy? My mother (and certainly not my father–an MD with a specialty in OB/GYNE Pathology) would never have dreamed of sharing this “news” with anyone outside of a very small circle indeed.
Poignant? Bigger deal for the parent? You are clearly not a parent. Sure, some (as seen here) become soppy, sentimentalists when it comes to this kind of stuff, but I’d say most parents (especially mothers, but fathers too) just take it in stride. After all, it is an expected normal human function.
And despite the statements to the contrary here, it didn’t suddenly sneak up on anyone–although the age of menarche is dropping, so it could–that is not the case here.
This is sensible, if a bit pompous, but I think you’re not giving the kid enough credit. They’re not just lumps of clay to be shaped–they do plenty of the shaping themselves.
Well, since YOU think the OP is sweet, of course we must all do so. IMO, talking about your children’s personal business online to strangers is disrespectful of the relationship and trust you have with them. It’s over-sharing. Along with that, why does the OP think for a minute that strangers want to know the status of his daughter’s fertility? It’s not his news to share, essentially. That and the vulgarity of it is what irks me.
Is it better to be more open about these things than act like these girls suddenly got cooties? Of course it is, but there are limits–tracking their cycles is…odd and proprietary. Teaching them (where is mom in all this?) that they need to track them is more reasonable. I will also tell him that even if he doesn’t recognize boundaries with his daughters, they are sure to tell him (in no uncertain terms) soon just what those are. Or maybe they won’t: maybe they’ll just show him by rebelling or completely withdrawing. Their monthly cycles are no more his business than his morning wood is theirs.
He’s not going to change his behavior due to my disapproval, but I hope he realizes that as he spreads this joyful news throughout his world that there are people who are smiling and nodding at him, while thinking, “ye gods, what is with this guy?” Maybe he’ll practice more discretion when she has her first hickey or has sex for the first time. Or does he plan on posting about that as well? :dubious:
How exactly does one disagree with an individual’s sentiment regarding the growing up of a child?
Happy to see there are still some posters around who aren’t searching for a way to be offended.
You can disagree without implying something sexual and dirty.
As for the sharing or not sharing, please note I haven’t stated an opinion. I just don’t like the implications that there is something filthy and wrong about merely knowing and celebrating a daughter’s milestone just because he is a stepdad.
You mean the experience of being male? Yeah, I’ll take the people with dicks’ word on that over those with vaginas.
I LOL’d.
It is to do with boundaries and understanding that some people deserve privacy. Just because it cannot be traced back to them does not make it not a breach of privacy. That is where the disagreement lies.
To put it simply, it wasn’t the OP’s story to share. At the very least he should have asked the child’s permission to post about it.
Not sure about filthy. It seems more creepy and controlling to me. And completely lacking in respect for boundaries.
That seems to be the general consensus amongst the people that think the thread was badly judged.
Just a little follow up to my post- My son never made it out of the airport for his trip to DC.
A series of problems caused the whole group to miss their flight.
Most of the group got to the bus and then to the airport, except one kid who missed the bus. Her parents drove her to the airport and dropped her off. The teacher spent some time wandering around the airport locating her and missed a gate change. The weather had been bad the night before and flights were backed up. Also, the merger of two major airlines (our scheduled airline) had caused some computer glitches. It was also a very busy day- first day of Spring Break, and there were complaints of poor staffing and poor communication at the airport- enough to make the local news.
The teacher thought the gate seemed weird- that their flight should be posted as boarding soon but was not. She stood in line for an hour while on hold with the airline on the phone, also for an hour. The phone rep told her to call back Monday while the live attendant told her about the gate change. The teacher asked the attendant to call the new gate and let them know they were coming. The group ran across the airport (it’s huge!), but got there too late- their seats had been released and all seats were taken by stand-by’s. The next several hours were spent trying to see if alternate arrangements could be made- airline, bus, whatever. Eventually, the parents were called to come pick up their kids. I was pretty surprised the travel agency did not have a contingency plan to return a group to where they came from in a case like this. This airport is an hour and a half from our home.
I was proud of my son for keeping me informed via text and remaining calm.
I called the teacher that evening to let her know that I had my kid, he was safe, and that we would be interested in rescheduling the trip. I told her I thought she probably had a horrible day and that I just wanted to say I was thinking of her. She almost began to cry! She said everyone was horrible to her- the airport personnel, the airline folks and even some parents. She had been told she would be sued and also that she was incompetent. She said that the folks that got their seats on stand-by had been in the airport since the afternoon before. And, she still had to go back to the airport that evening to collect he baggage of kids who had checked bags.
She said my boy was one of the better behaved and that he stuck close by to her and followed her directions immediately.
I’m so proud of my son. He spent about 8-9 hours just waiting at the airport, plus road travel time. He has traveled enough to know that sh*t happens (we once ‘lost’ dad, when he separated from the group and missed our connecting flight!). But he also has some Asperger’s type, high functioning autism and was a little stressed about the change in routine and flying. He is a bit of a rigid rule-follower, so I’m not surprised at all that he stuck by the authority figure and followed her directions.
We talked about rescheduling or just getting a refund, and he was very cool with the idea that although his trip was missed, at least the 15 stranded people got to where they needed to be. He thinks it might be better to go another time because with the time change and the time zone change, it would have felt as though he as getting up at 4 am instead of 6 am.
I may be raising an optimist!
Good for you for being understanding. Shit does indeed happen.
This thread is just bizarre. Just last week, we had a threadin which a father recounted a conversation about masturbation with his son. There was absolutely no controversy in that discussion. How is that father-son conversation less private/more message board appropriate than this OP’s conversation with his daughter? Are we saying that it’s OK for fathers to discuss their sons’ transitions to adulthood but not their daughters’? I’m pretty sure that’s ridiculous. Personally, I love threads like these, because they give me the opportunity to think about or talk about things I don’t want to discuss IRL, strictly because they’re so personal.
OP, I thought your post was great.