My daughter, 153 months old, just had her first period

[amanset]

@Nava

I couldn’t wait to announce it to the world…

well, ok, not to all the world completely. I wasn’t particularly interested in telling the boys in my class. But I ran to the phone as soon as it was “decent phone hours” and told both of my grandmothers, and of course I told my female classmates, and my friends from other class groups.

We didn’t so much have individual menarches as a whole year of playing “who’s got it already?”

Because it was YOUR period. Your period, your choice.

As an example, I have written about my circumcision, that I had done as an adult, on here. I make no effort to hide who I am in real life, but I am comfortable doing this as I am in control of it. My Mother, however, apparently decided to start chatting with all sorts of people about it and I had to explain the concept of my privacy being my decision to her.

She also acted very confused by it, much as how people like you are. I think some people simply don’t get it and assume that everyone is that same as them (and no, I don’t think everyone is the same as me, I am just saying that it is the daughter’s place to chose what information about her period gets out, not stepdaddy).

[Guinastasia]

Personally, I always keep track of my OWN periods, (from when they started getting regular). But I was always expected to keep track of whether I had enough pads. My mother didn’t check for me. If your daughters can’t check, tell them to mark their calenders. If they’re really “women” as they claim, certainly they’re capable of keeping track for themselves, without Dad doing it.
Jesus Christ.

[Brown_Eyed_Girl]

Wait, so if you don’t keep track of your periods and forget to buy pads, you are not a “woman”? Did I misread that?

[Enderw24]

I don’t know what everyone is rambling on about. Look, it’s your own fault your kids grew up. It just takes willpower and a sense of command.
For instance, look at me. I have a 15 month old daughter and I plan on having her stay 15 months old forever. OK, so she’s 15 months and three weeks and we’re starting to realize she’s not fitting into her 12 month outfits anymore and I don’t know where my wife’s hidden the newborn clothing because I swear it was right there in the drawer. But that’s why I’ve forbade my daughter from growing anymore and, by God, I’m her father and she’s going to listen to me on this.
It’s not too late, robardin. You’ve just got to put your foot down and say “enough is enough!”

[zweisamkeit]

@Brown_Eyed_Girl

Wait, so if you don’t keep track of your periods and forget to buy pads, you are not a “woman”? Did I misread that?

Apparently you did. She didn’t say “real women keep track of their periods” but “real women are capable of keeping track of their periods [and don’t need their dad or whoever doing it for them]”.

[Rachellelogram]

@Brown_Eyed_Girl

Wait, so if you don’t keep track of your periods and forget to buy pads, you are not a “woman”? Did I misread that?

Maybe it’s more that keeping track of periods makes one a woman.

[Brown_Eyed_Girl]

@zweisamkeit

Apparently you did. She didn’t say “real women keep track of their periods” but “real women are capable of keeping track of their periods [and don’t need their dad or whoever doing it for them]”.

Oh, I don’t know. I know women who can’t keep track of their own children. I don’t know that *capability *has anything to do with it.

But it figures. I’m doing plenty of misreading today.

[Brown_Eyed_Girl]

@rachelellogram

Maybe it’s more that keeping track of periods makes one a woman.

I suppose. I guess I’d be more agreeable if I could get my own 13-year-old to remember to refill the goddamn toilet paper dispenser in the bathroom she uses, so she doesn’t have to scream at me to bring her more.

[Guinastasia]

bangs head on keyboard No, my point is that he keeps going on and on about how important he is, and he keeps track of their periods for them, checks their pads, etc. But there’s no reason for it – they’re capable of doing it themselves. His whole, “it’s about womanhood!” is so much bullshit.

(And hospitals only ask about a woman being on their period to cover their asses – to make sure she’s not pregnant. It’s not a medical necessity)

As for the OP, it’s the principle of it. He said, “she’ll never know”. “It’s anonymous.” So in other words, he knows it would upset her, most likely, if she knew he was telling people. To me, anonymous or not, it shouldn’t matter how much he wants he wants to share. It should be about respecting his daughter’s feelings. He’s realizing she’s growing up, then perhaps he needs to learn to respect HER feelings. Part of them means that, no matter how much you want to share about how you feel about this, her feelings should come first.

I don’t care if it’s anonymous. His daughter’s still a person, not just an extension of one’s parents. And just because one person’s daughter doesn’t mind if her mom or dad share, doesn’t mean another one’s does.

Hell, I didn’t even want my own FATHER to know I got my period. He’s not the type to talk about woman stuff. (And you know what? That’s fine. There were other things I could talk about with him that I couldn’t with my mom). Now, I’m sure he knew, he’s not stupid. But he was respectful of my feelings, and as far as I know, didn’t say anything, at least not to me. (Maybe to my MOTHER, but not to me. He certainly wouldn’t have told his friends, anonymously or not)

So once again, every girl is different, and yet AGAIN, if you’re not sure if your daughter would like you sharing, don’t do it. Her privacy and HER feelings trump your wishes to share how you feel about her growing up.
(And note: I’m talking about things like sex, periods, puberty, etc. NOT just random stories about getting lost at airports. Common sense, people.)

[Brown_Eyed_Girl]

@Guinastasia

Hell, I didn’t even want my own FATHER to know I got my period. He’s not the type to talk about woman stuff. (And you know what? That’s fine. There were other things I could talk about with him that I couldn’t with my mom). Now, I’m sure he knew, he’s not stupid. But he was respectful of my feelings, and as far as I know, didn’t say anything, at least not to me. (Maybe to my MOTHER, but not to me. He certainly wouldn’t have told his friends, anonymously or not)

I think this is the crux of it. Some people have issues with keeping certain things private and others don’t. I’m willing to give the OP the benefit of the doubt that he knows better than some random person on the internet whether his daughter would be bothered by her father sharing these details about her to people she doesn’t know. If not, I can’t see the harm done here. If he overshared; she’ll survive.

To each his own… it takes all kinds… vive la difference… c’est la vie.

[azraiel]

@ugly ripe tomato

It’s because when they have to do x-rays, they don’t want to potentially damage a developing child and get their asses sued for malpractice nine months later. It’s not because a woman on her period is in a precarious state healthwise :rolleyes:

ETA: also, if a woman goes in with abdominal pain they need to know to rule out potential ectopic pregnancy.

Anyway, you keep doing that thing you do, Kommander Kotex.

Cute.

So let me make sure I understand. I’m supposed to know if my daughter is pregnant, but not know when her last period was?

Do you have any tips on how I should accomplish this? I mean, I have my own ideas. I could interrogate her when she comes home whether she’s had sex in past 24 hours. Maybe I could set up a dry erase board in the stairwell, and she can just mark it whenever she gets it on?

Just want to make sure I’m clear here. Aggressively interrogating her about her sex life is less intrusive than noting when the pad stock goes down, or remembering the last time she mentioned her period to me? Do I have this right?

No, seriously. I just want to make sure I fall into the appropriately gendered line here. When my daughter is immobile, unspeaking, and unresponsive in the ER following am automobile accident, it’s less invasive and more protective of her privacy if I know the last time she was sexually active and whether she is pregnant than if I can recall the last time she asked me to buy pads?

I appreciate your correction of my ignorance on this issue. Will you please tell me what information I’m qualified to tell a medical professional when asked? Should I log my daughters’ sexual experiences? Should I log their menstruations? Both, or one and not the other?

Actually, I’ve seen the light. I now understand that there is no information I should be privy to, and that I have no business taking note of any aspect of my children’s lives, lest they be offended. I want you to rest assured that the next time I get a call from the hospital, I’ll respond gallantly with “I’m sure she’ll be fine, and there’s nothing I could tell you about women’s issues. Have her call me before she comes home.”

[azraiel]

@eleanorigby

Well, you hadn’t dinged my Creepy and Controlling alarm until you posted about your data points and such. I do love the phrase contextual matrix, though.

I was only trying to explain how my mental processes work, and convey that me telling you the date of my youngest’s last period is on par with me telling you the last time I drank Boulevard Pilsner. It’s a meaningless data point until its not. I don’t circle dates on calenders, I don’t make an effort to memorize. But everything exists in context, and being able to retrieve the context isn’t weird

It’s not “wrong” or bad or odd for a dad to know when his daughter has her period. I think it’s ill bred to bray about it (at length and ad nauseam) on a message board on in RL.

ad nauseum? You’re probably right. All I can offer in my defense is that it’s hurtful. And my response was to strike back.

But “the only definitive answer” in the ER is when her last period was? :dubious: There’s some really sucky docs in that ER and you as parents aren’t coming off too great in that scenario, either. I think you probably know if she has any allergies, if she takes prescription meds, if she’d had any surgeries or chronic health issues. So, I call BS on all of that. (and I’m glad she’s ok).

Correct. There were a lot of questions with definitive answers. There were questions about reactions, questions about allergies, questions about preexisting conditions (all of which are intensely private, but no one in the thread seems to have a problem with me knowing about what goes on at my daughter’s cellular level).

What I was trying to convey was that there was lot of ambiguity when it came to questions about habits and/or acts. Neither mom or I could answer when she’d last had alcohol, when she’d last smoked pot, whether she was on any other drugs at that exact moment… And she couldn’t speak. Literally could not speak (or even move).

It’s terrifying to sit in an ER room with your kid, holding, rubbing, and shaking her unresponsive hand. To spend an hour massaging her palm and asking her questions before she’s able to muster a “…essssss.” And when the docs want to take her in for multiple X-rays and MRIs…

So maybe it meant sweet fuck all, but the fact that I could give some single datum to the people trying to make sure my daughter would be herself when she woke up was as important as hell to me.

The end.

ETA: and thanks, she is okay.

[The_Man_In_Black]

@MsWhatsit

I’m with Leaffan here.

True story: About ten years ago, I was at work one day when my boss, a petite white-haired British lady, took a phone call from her daughter. She hung up, walked into the main area of the office, where she could be heard by the entire editorial staff, and loudly announced, “I’m going to take an early lunch! Angie started her period unexpectedly and I need to go to the high school to bring her a change of clothes!”

Now, that was inappropriate. Partially because that’s just really not appropriate info to share in the workplace, and partially because there was an excellent chance I would actually meet Angie at some point.

The OP’s daughter is a random anonymous person. She is never going to find out about this thread unless he is a complete moron and shows it to her. None of us are ever going to meet her. None of us knows her name. I cannot work up any outrage about this whatsoever.

When a person feels it is totally cool to share very personal details about there child’s life, with the train of thought that it is Ok because they will never know I told the internet about it, that really says something about the trust in that family.

(This next part is not accusing anyone of anything. Just taking that train of thought to the next level.)
I guess it would also be Ok to have a hidden camera in her room, as long as she never knows.

[Rachellelogram]

@Brown_Eyed_Girl

If not, I can’t see the harm done here. If he overshared; she’ll survive.

Of course she’ll survive. People do not literally die of embarrassment. The issue has nothing to do with whether or not the kid’s chances of living to see 20 are diminished because her dad delves into her bloody pads and plasters them all around the internets. The question is one of proper boundaries and creepiness. Azraiel possesses none of the former and all of the latter.

I can also attest that the argument about “medical necessity” is ridiculous, and a lame attempt by Azraiel to justify intense focus on an issue that’s better left alone–by a parent of *either *gender. I’ve never remembered when my last period started, and it’s *never *been a problem through 27 years of medical appointments and hospital visits. More to the point, I’ve never known a girl that would be comfortable with their mom, much less their dad, knowing this much personal information about their bodily functions (not only knowing, but taking *pride *in that knowledge!). Sharing that information, online or otherwise, is utterly and completely out of the question… unless one is endeavoring to be a (and I’ll use the technical term, here) bloody creeper.

[Enola_Gay]

@azraiel

It’s the “creepy and controlling” thing that really chaps my hide. (We can leave the appropriateness of sharing in an anonymous forum for another thread/post.)

Knowing when any woman in my life is menstruating is a medical necessity. In the past three years, I’ve been present in the Emergency Room for a broken hand, a compound fracture of the arm, a deeply bruised and almost broken foot, and a traumatic car wreck with brain and spinal trauma. I don’t know why exactly, but I do know that every time the ER nurse asks when the last period was.

.

Waitaminute. I’ve been asked by medical personnel when MY last period was…but are you saying that if I show up unconscious in the ER and can’t speak for myself, the ER staff will start asking OTHERS when my last period was??? That just seems bizarre…

That said, I wouldn’t give a flying fuck if either one of my parents discussed the onset of my menstrual cycle with anonymous strangers on an internet message board. Weird that people consider that a violation of privacy.